ever doubted you were transgender?

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    • #82434

      Hello you all,

      I’m Annette a since a couple a weeks i identify myself as transgender, at the same time i started Gender Identitiy Therapy to help me, first, to confirm my gender identitiy and next see what are the step i need to follow.

      The thing is: sometimes in this past couple of weeks i start to doubt if i am really transgender, i am thinking if it is something else like a way to escape pressure, family, children, responsibilities or a life that does not completely satisfy me. I usually read about other TG’s process and the vast majority said i always knew i was a woman, i liked girls toys, girls clothes when i had 4, 5 or something like that. In my case i didn’t, i had some flashbacks but nothing else.

      Do anyone sometime have doubts if you are TG?

    • #82454

      [postquote quote=82434][/postquote]

      Annette, I have am in the same boat as you. I just realized that I am trans and I have declared my birthday to be 2/23. Similarly I am fighting the same doubt of am I trans as you are. As with you I didnt know I was a woman since I was little. I can definitely (sp check almost corrected that to effeminately) look back at a whole metric ton of events, thoughts, and feeling that confirm I am trans, but I didnt declare to myself when I was younger that I was a woman. I also take that one a step further because I am super confused right now because 2 weeks ago I was having dysphoria about my genitals and now I am not. Super weird and totally not helping with doubt.

      As far as my past goes I know that as a kid I did my best to hid my “transness” from myself. I locked it all away in a place in my mind that I couldn’t reach until about 2 years ago. Even then it only unlocked it subconsciously and I still had to wait for an event to further unlock the rest. In that time period I was so deeply in denial that I couldnt even process some of the world around me. For the life of me until 2 months ago I didnt know what ULTA sold/did, even though I know I have walked in there multiple times. I couldnt understand what transgender was. I had an acquaintance transition and I couldnt wrap my mind around it. Messed up pronouns and name left and right for the whole weekend we were at the same event. It was weird, the mind does some strange things.

      In the end Annette each one of our jouney’s is unique. Yes we can all share alot of the same or similar experiences, but the “total sum” of all of our experiences is 100% different from everyone else. Believe what is in your heart. If your heart is telling you that you are not the gender you were assigned at birth, then that means you are not the gender you were assigned at birth and that is OK.


    • #82502

      I’ve had a lot of confusion. For a long time I was sure I was non binary and bi gendered but the further I went down the road the more I realised that I was not happy with my Male body and had increasingly spent less and less time in my male guise. I eventually I took a long hard look at myself and realised that I was transgender. I still flit back now and again but I don’t actually have a male guise anymore. I know I am not bi gendered but I am probably still non binary in some way. Like I said its confusing.

    • #82505

      I know quite a few later and late and life who came to acknowledge they are transgender.  For me it was my late 20’s when I had my “lightening bolt” moment that I was TS (TG wasn’t even a word then).  Then I reasoned it away for 20 years, adding layers of doubt, impracticalities and impossibilities centered around religion, responsibilities and finance and just plane old “dude in a dress”.  The closet doors just kept piling up as the previous ones would just not be enough to repress the truth that would surface time and again.  Since finally acknowledging that it was all a huge lie to myself I’ve been at peace with myself.  The world around me hasn’t been the kindest and each setback comes with the questions of is this worth it or did I do the right thing.  But then I reflect on the lifelong struggle to be what I was taught to be that had failed and I know that it was because I wasn’t being authentic most of that time.

      Be true to yourself.  Something brought you to this point in your life’s walk.  Trust the decisions you make because no one else knows you better than yourself.

    • #82514
      DeeAnn Hopings

      No, once I sorted out how things sat for me several years ago, that was it and I haven’t looked back…

    • #82534

      Thank you CC for share your experiences with me, they are very helpful.

      I know that ultimate my inner self will tell me who really I am but when I read so many experiences of trans people who said “I was knowing since I was 4, 5, 6 etc” I start to question myself about it. I will risk so much if I go out as TG so I need to be as more sure as possible.

      Thank you again.



    • #82535

      Thanks, I know how much confussing can it be



    • #82536

      [postquote quote=82454][/postquote]
      Dear Elizka

      Thank you so much to share your doubts with me, it’s really a powerful thing to know that I am not the only one who question self about it.

      I think my troubles started in the fact that when a was a kid I was told that I need to act like a man and If I don’t I will have a lot of troubles inside my inner circle and outside. I was attending an all-male school so it was more difficult to express myself so the only way I can find to “fit” was to be a “manly person”. But this feeling never go away like I read early in a book. The problem is I hide so much time this feelings that I don’t know how to stop myself and embrace they now.

      I will continue to share with you all my journey.



    • #82538
      DeeAnn Hopings

      [postquote quote=82434][/postquote]

      A question:

      How would being transgender, or not, change the difficulties that you mentioned? It would seem that they would exist either way…

    • #82539

      Personally I think that is quiet natural to have moments of doubt on many levels when you chooe this path. After realising or having decided that is who you truely are, you may go through a great emotional shift that you have unlikely experienced before or ever will again.

      I assume that arriving at that point is not one made lightly and often after many years of self exploration, re your identity, attempting to resolve inner conflict. The later a result of being raised and educated in a gender orientated way that does not sit well with your inner self. Social stigma, media, family etc., can all contribute to keeping you in that place longer than desirable. Hence we can find ourselves later in life feeling we have been trapped inside oursleves. Possibly causing all kinds if issues and truama throughout our lives
      I reached a point in my life when I just knew that it was a path that I had to take. However, that did not prevent me from having thoughts of self doubt on many levels. But my committment and self need were much stronger than my doubts. The doubts I had were short lived, the more my life continued those ideas never surfaced again.  It can takes different things for each of us to be able to discover our true self.

      Mine was just learning to love myself and be able to accept who and what I was. It sounds so simple when I read that back, but it took me almost a lifetime to discover it.
      In my heart, I know now who I am and who I have been all my life.
      I hope you can find that too.

    • #82547
      Stacy Ann

      I think I understand where you’re coming from. I think it is natural to wonder the reasons that are truly driving us on our journey.

      I’ve tried to convince myself I wasn’t transgender, many times over many years. I believe if it were possible for me to convince myself that I wasn’t, it would have happened. Even after all this time there is still an occasional temptation to question it or evade it in some other manner. The pattern of repression and denial is easy to fall back into. It’s all I’ve ever really known.

      All I could do was examine all the gender related things I had thought or experienced in my life and carefully examine them. Recall them, write them down, and consider them as dispassionately and objectively as possible. After that, I concluded that I wasn’t being honest if I didn’t admit it to myself. I also realize that being uncomfortable about it is unfortunately part of this experience for me, and something better acknowledged than struggled with.

    • #82570

      Hi… not really in doubt since I was 19 (when I first read Caroline Cossey’s autobiography, and realised “that’s me”). But I’ve tried to deny myself, repress myself, or just live ignoring my needs so much over the years. And sometimes I almost forgot.

      At the moment, my really massive doubt is whether I should be transitioning … the timing just seems absolutely, bizarrely, terrible. How could I possibly have picked this month and this year, of all my years, to come out and start to transition? I must be absolutely insane … the medical, therapy, and social support has just vanished all around me as soon as I needed it. And loads of people are dying; how could I possibly be this vain and this selfish?

      Paradoxically, transitioning to womanhood just seems such a selfishly “male” thing to do … “Hey, look at me, I don’t care about anyone else; it’s all about me”. Something that a loving, caring woman would never do now. So I’m stuck.

      All in all, I think a bit of self-doubt right now is perfectly natural. For any of us.

      Love, Sophie xx


    • #82598

      Hi there and yes. Like you I never had never experienced feeling like a woman in my life, I didnt crossdress or even try it. I was your stereotypical all male. Excelled at sports, joined the military, was married early, children the whole thing. I was bi/pan sexual and always felt something just wasnt quite right. But being busy with career, marriage, and children I just never devoted any time to discovering what it was. Flash forward to today, 6 months on HRT. I still look in the mirror and just see a man, I refuse to say I am transgender. Not because I am not, but rather because I think its unfair to say I am until I start to look transgender. I always say I am transitioning to transgender. But then I look at my body, and realize my boobs have got a decent start. I practice makeup, and am getting better.

      The point is I am changing, and although the mirror still see’s the old me, the new me is excitedly coming out. Better late than never! I realized that just because I never crossdressed or admitted her existance didnt mean she wasnt always there in the background waiting for me to find her. I have, and yes I am now transgender.

      Traci Lynn

    • #82603

      Hi , I voted NO , i’ve always known i was different , i liked girls clothes , and would sneak my mom’s panties once in a wile . I was always very quiet , low key  , always afraid of any confrontation , i would leave , i was very submissive . I had no liking for a boy friend , and was afraid to ask a girl out ,so i just hung out with boys . I dreamed about being a girl , it seemed girls could get dates easier than boys , and i thought being a girl would be easier and quite wonderful . As the years progressed i became more into the fem style of life , purchased my own clothes , had my own apartment , dressed at home never out . Then i met my wife , fell in love and married , purged all my girly things , life was wonderful for a while . I would still get the urge to dress , admired how women dressed , and yes even still tried on my wifes things once in a while . My wife and i finally split up and went our own ways , i stayed male only for a year of two , and finally started purchasing my own girly stuff again ,and its never quit , i have never changed , i know who i am and i will always be this woman for ever . I can’t change , its like a permanent stain on me , it will not go away . I’am happy to be her , she and i have came to be in peace with each other and thats how it shall stay . Leslie is a great girl ,  she’s fun , soft , sexy and always in a fem style of life , i’am going to enjoy her for as long as i live . I hope i answered this question in a lady like style , i will always be a lady . Love you all , Leslie

    • #82622

      Hi Tiffany, I relate to this so much. I’ve lived half my life in the wrong body, and can’t bear the thought of living the other half like this as well. But still “all about me”.

      I’m struck my the number of trans women I’ve talked to (here and elsewheee) who have become loving, selfless carers, and then find themselves trapped by their love. Feeling utterly selfish if they transition; feeling utterly miserable if they don’t.

      Perhaps the only way out is to tell our loved ones exactly how we feel, and beg for their help. It’s another sort of validation really. But what I’d love to hear from my children and my friends is something like this.  “It is your life. Do what you need to be happy; we’ll cope. You don’t need anyone’s permission to be yourself, let alone ours. But you do have our blessing”.

      That would make me feel better I think.


    • #82729

      [postquote quote=82538][/postquote]

      Yes, you are right, this kind of things will exist no matter the path I follow but I question myself if looking for a radical change is a way to scape of all this things, as can be alcohol, drugs or extreme sport just to mention ones.

      Thank you for take the time to analyze my question, you made me think and give me another point of view.



    • #82730
      DeeAnn Hopings

      [postquote quote=82729][/postquote]

      I am reminded of an old saying:

      How do you eat an elephant?
      One spoonful at a time!

      Complex issues rarely have quick decisions. If they do, quite possibly it may not be the correct one. What’s important then, is to consider all of the pieces that come together to make the entire problem. By working through those bits and pieces you eventually arrive at where you want to be.

      But, overnight?

      No, not at all…

    • #82732

      [postquote quote=82729][/postquote]
      Hi Annette,

      I guess these feelings are something you should discuss honestly with your therapist. Doubts snout what you are considering doing are perfectly natural, and it’s certainly better to discuss them now rather than a few months or years down the line.

      A key question might be whether you have felt over and over again that you are in the wrong body, that you are (or might be) transgender, and have simply not been able to deal with it or talk about it until now. Or have you felt more simply “something’s wrong, very wrong, but I don’t know what” and only recently thought that it is being trans?

      We simply can’t tell, but it might be that you are non-binary or gender fluid rather than simply (hah!) trans, or that you have realised you like cross dressing but aren’t sure you want to live as a woman full time. Or you might be trans through and through (you just know you’re a woman) but really really scared about it. These are all perfectly fine – by the way – there are simply loads of gender non-conforming people of all sorts, shapes, sizes and inclinations, and we are all wonderful and unique in our very special way.

      I’m sure you will find yourself, hon, and whatever you find is going to be OK. You’ll have friends and supporters to talk it through with.

      Take care, and stay safe! Sophie x






    • #82741

      You are not alone nor are you “abnormal” for being doubtful.  I used to teach my Marines that courage is not the absence of fear but instead the acknowledgement of it.  Fear focuses the mind very well and motivates even better. Doubt helps you weed out the irrelevancies and discover the truths in your life thus making your decisions that much more laserlike and pure.

      I have so many days where I wish I could let go of the need to be Jemma.  It would be much less lonely, costly, and easier on my loved ones, but then I would be doomed to finishing my life locked in the lies I have had to live with for too many years.  I need to be Jemma, I have to be Jemma, and if that means I have to spend the rest of my life alone, then so be it.  At least I will finish with honesty as the woman I was always meant to be.

      Will I ever stop doubting?  I doubt it!

    • #82770

      Just a couple months ago, from being ‘lonely’, I took a ‘dare’ and signed up on several local dating sites, none of which welcomed transgender.  I had posted a photo of myself before transition to my profile and filled out the statistics as needed.  And then…OMG!  My email inbox was flooded with notifications of ‘interested’ women!  On each site I read the messages of those notifications and their profiles and was quite amazed.  Many said I was the best looking “man” on the site and wanted to meet up!  I shared my results with a close friend.  She told me “Well you were a very attractive guy, I’m not surprised.   But how can you hide what you really are, or how will you explain your feminine qualities if you do meet with them?”  She was right, very right.  I don’t own any prominent male clothing anymore, not even male underwear.  I had to accept that I could not go back to what I was, not even physically.  I deleted each of my profiles.  Luckily, I never responded to anyone on them as well.  I am transgender and I even if I was able to ‘go back’, I wouldn’t be happy as I presently am.  I never wanted to be an ‘attractive guy’.

    • #83195

      I have now realized that I am a woman trapped in a man’s body.. At the age of 70+, married, father, and grandfather, I cannot realize my true self…counseling helped me accept my true self and express it outwardly whenever I can .. Thank you for listening and continue to be my friends and all your support

    • #83530

      [postquote quote=82741][/postquote]
      Thank you thank you thank you (yes, three times) you’re words are so inspiring, it’s so great to know we are not the only one who think things like that.


      • #91443

        No doubt fear plays a big role in putting up barriers to movement. Knowing the loses you may experience can accentuate the fear as can shame and guilt which a lot of us have. All this can cause you to question at many points whether you are trans enough or at all or whether it is worth the pain of transition. Regardless, there is something which propels us forward. Your analogy to Marines facing fear in combat is spot on. As an ex FMF corpsman it was easy to observe that fear wasn’t absent and what become the focus was not letting down those in the “same foxhole and each having the other’s back. Semper Fi.

    • #83964

      I haven’t simply doubted it, I’ve denied it for around 40 years. It’s still all new to me, but already I feel much happier, having simply acknowledged it. I expect I’ll keep on having doubts along the way, but hope that I’ll be able to get past them & get to be who I’ve stopped myself being for so long.

    • #83965
      DeeAnn Hopings

      [postquote quote=83964]

      That is due to your beginning to put down a burden that you do not need to carry. The more you let go of what has been suppressed, the better it gets…

    • #87373

      This happened recently. My best friend is totally against my transition. You would think I joined a cult. He pulled out all the stops trying to get me to reconsider. We had weekly zoom conferences . He brought everyone from my 1st girlfriend to a pastor of a church and many of my friends. They bombarded me and guilted me so much I was ready to throw in the towel. I thought, maybe I am not trans. If not for my therapist and my own soul searching. I would not be Cindy today. So glad I stuck to it. I am proud to be a transgender woman!!!                                Cindy

    • #87645

      Thank you for this question Annette.

      I voted no, because I’ve never experienced doubt about my psychological sex, i was just grateful to find out i could do something about it that aligned with my self image.

      However, many trans people do experience doubts about transitioning, and that doesn’t make you any less trans. Transition is a BIG DEAL. you should question your motives, you should analyze your feelings, and you should be sure you are doing the right thing.

      You stated you might be doing this to make your life easier. It won’t. It will make your life much harder. Society expects more from women than it does men, and you lose the privileges men enjoy- like being taken seriously by men, or feeling safe walking alone at night. You also receive the stigma related to being trans if you are read as trans.

      Before I started my transition i asked a ton of questions about what i could expect if i came out, and the answers i received indicated that i had to be prepared to give up everything- not just stuff, but my job, possibly my home, people too- family, friends, coworkers.

      I couldn’t transition until these losses became acceptable, when the dysphoria outweighed the possible losses. But i was already at the point where i had a gun to my head because i thought i could never really be a woman and it was transition or die. I was encouraged to choose life.

      I lost my job, and therefore my home. I lost friends. I was lucky when it came to family and they stuck by me even though they didn’t understand. was it worth it? HELL YES! It was worth it in every way- toxic people dropped out of my life to make way for new relationships, and i was faced with a world i had never imagined possible.


    • #88872


      Doubt. Wow. I have it almost daily. I have the same experience as you. I don’t remember ever “wishing to be a girl.” I loved being with girls; I had friend when I was 4 or 5 who played dress up with me. And later I sneaked wearing moms’s bra, panties, whatever.  Never had a girlfriend in high school, always felt different, though. Was married, 28 yrs, no kids, widowed. Now at 63 gender dysphoria comes back, although it never left. I had this “secret” always. Now, I’ve accepted myself, trying to love myself. I do, most days. But will it all be worth it. The cost of hair removal (a practical thing I know, but…). The cost of loss of family and friends (maybe). So some things, the doubt, are in my head. Some are to far out in to the future. One day at a time, right?

      So many insightful and heartfelt comments to this post. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I cherish all of you.

      Peace and love, JaiymeLynne

      • #91541

        Thats so so lovely I felt the same way xx

    • #88901


      Thanks for your response, as your experience mirrors my own. Like you, played dress up when I was young, snuck my mom’s bras and panties to wear, and no dating during high school. I was always more comfortable with girls than with guys, and hated sports.

      I’m currently in therapy with a transgender counselor in order to find out if I’m truly transgender or not.

      I have a question I’ll just throw out there: How many of us were abused as children? Sexually or otherwise? I’ve been wondering if that has a bearing on why I am the way I am.

      • #139279

        Whew, how to answer because this is something I am exploring.


        You see, my problem is that I have huge holes in my memory of my younger years and I have a host of triggers that look like trauma responses.

        I no longer talk to my mother (who I think is the cause of most of this) and my father divorced and left when I was 3 so he can’t shed light on what I went through.

        I feel so lost and have no idea what to work on. 😢

        • #139294
          DeeAnn Hopings


          This is what makes working with a therapist important. It is very, very difficult for us to work through this by ourselves. While we likely know the questions, the answers are shrouded in shame and guilt and remain just beyond our grasp.

    • #91458
      Cassie Grey

      Transgender is a relatively new term. All my life I heard the discribed as transsexual.

      I new I was different when mom got me out of a bath and told me to get dressed while she went to make lunch. Prekindergarten.  And of course I walked into the kitchen in a very pretty dress. I was promptly taken to her room and told to take it off and scolded.

      Even at that age this was a secret to be hidden carefully and I spoke to no one about it for 25 yrs. It DID NOT keep me out of her closet and dresser when home alone though 😄. I’m jealous of those of you that had sisters.

      I really didn’t understand why I had these feelings until 9th grade when I found a book by a woman who had had a sex change and than EVERYTHING made sense.


      My plan through high school was to just leave and get it done because I knew I would never get any support from family or friends. And by coincidence at the time I would have had the money to do it. But life has a way of getting in the way. I never had any interest in boys but girls. I only dated a couple of times before I found the love of my life. But a wife and child didn’t change what I felt inside.

      In my early 30s I did decide to transition. My body loved premerin and for 6 months it blossomed only to be blind sided by the therapists and dropped. And as much as I want to still transition I’ve got a couple decades of anger and mistrust of the sociological community. I’ve actually learned from family, friends and doctors to not trust ANYONE. Sorry for being so cynical.

      • #91459
        DeeAnn Hopings

        These days transsexuals prefer a different term. The problem is that the general populace wants to associate it with Sex (and also related to the outdated term Sex Change). What the general populace doesn’t think about is the discordance caused by a mismatch in the indicated physical gender compared to what one believes themselves to be mentally and the possibilities for reconciling the 2.

        The problem with therapists is that not everyone has experience with gender issues. Said another way, you wouldn’t want to see a dermatologist for a heart problem. Are there any other trans people in you area who might have recommendations?

        • #91462
          Cassie Grey

          The psychiatrist was supposed to be one of the best in this field and I think the sociologist was the same one I saw a few years earlier who ran the gender studies at the U of M.  I went back a couple months later and had to bitch to see their notes and they finally relented. The sociologist was the problem. His notes discribed someone else, he heard what he wanted to.

          • #91463
            DeeAnn Hopings

            Sad to say it isn’t a perfect world. It has happened before that people in counseling positions bring their own opinions and prejudices into what they are doing. It isn’t supposed to be like that, but shit happens. Also, being a department head doesn’t necessarily mean that people have great sensitivity for your patients. Often it speaks more about how they have negotiated the minefields of academia. Searching around here will likely yield other threads where people have had suboptimal experiences. It happens, but then the next question is what do you do to deal with that?

    • #91481

      I always known i was a transgender i just. Hid it cause of my family i always had deep voice for a girl dressed in boys clothes and played sports yeah it was hard for me i got teased about it but see i was born with more testosterone then estergine even when i was small i looked like a curly hair boy i notice at a young age that i was more boy then female i liked playing with boy toy action figures and i would take my friends that where girls barbie dolls and bury them. Then when i became a teen i would love to play sports like basket ball tried. Out for 🏈 football but my dad always told me i was a girl and i could get hurt so i hid who i was after that took me twenty years to say im a guy not a girl and thats who i am. I told my youngest daughter for starters my sis and my niece and they support me and select few friends. And never had a doubt what so ever i just hid it and dreamed i was a guy and now im going for it

    • #91482
      Lina Lea

      I never ever had any feeling that I wasnt transgender as I was diagnosed a “classic case” when it comes to gender identity. I transitioned when it was not easy to legally transition, back in 2002, and it took a lot more steps before anyone would sign off on my transition.

      Im not going to lie, I’m a little baffled why anyone would just electively choose to be transgender as every amount of literature out there describes being transgender as “intense feelings” and anything on the contrary makes being transgender seem like a choice rather than being who you are.

      I’m curious though, if you brought these feelings up in therapy, I doubt anyone would sign off on transitioning medically, so did you have to lie to legally transition or are you not legally transitioning?

      Please understand I’m not trying to be judgmental but I’m trying to understand this as I’ve only come across “trans people” that questioned their identity more and more in recent years.

      • #91484
        DeeAnn Hopings

        There is a choice, but it isn’t what non-trans people think. The choice is to be who you really are or live a lie. Over time living a lie will cause more damage and is a very heavy burden to carry for any length of time. Effectively then, there really is no choice.

        Being LGBT is not something that happens to people. It is something that we are born with and doesn’t change. If being LGBT was something that happened to people, conversion therapy would work, but it doesn’t…

        • #100819

          I think it was only after years of therapy and actually going out into the community with other transgender women and men did I fully realize who I am.  I think when we are younger (I was 4), we have a feeling ‘something’ is not quite right.  It’s the way I felt, and I used to pray to God in elementary school to change me into who I felt like inside.  Back in the 80’s and 1990’s, there were a variety of MTF groups of crossdressers, not trans groups.  Triess, Powder Puffs of Orange County, etc. were mainly crossdressing groups.  They were all I had.  Alas, trans women were in the group, and some were out about it, which scared the hell out of the spouses who thought their husbands were just ‘crossdressers.’  I had one breakdown in 1990 when I came out, another in 1997, and another in 2012.  For me, it has never been about dressing, it has been about being.  I have met many wonderful people and have close friends in the trans community, but now I am beginning to believe I have no other choice but to finally transition to feel ‘whole’ and move on.  My greatest fear is losing the family I have worked so hard to build after growing up in a broken home.

          • #100822
            DeeAnn Hopings

            That is a very important point. Often we know what we need to do for ourselves, but the question is how does that play out in the broader sense for our families, our employers, etc. There are no easy decisions as something will be sacrificed. I guess the trick is to minimize that as best we can.

          • #100823

            I agree. Slow and steady.  I can only imagine the chaos that would have ensued when I was 19 with few family members who would have been supportive.  It is hard to believe our community is discussed openly now, not always with good words, but at least there is awareness and those with open minds and hearts understand our situation and what must be done.  I think, collectively, we know we will have allies now.  And some of us already do.

      • #91570

        I have memories since I was four or five, but I also denied to myself that I needed to transition, all I needed was to cross-dress. That eventually no longer worked, and I started therapy. I have mentioned to my therapist a few times that I wonder if I am on the right path or not. She has said that it is perfectly normal to question yourself on this major of a change. In my case, it isn’t that I don’t feel like a woman, but it’s about the transition process itself – and how my age, the current political climate, etc, will all have an effect on it.

        I had tried to look into transition about a decade earlier than I did with my current therapist. At that time (2003-ish), the therapist I saw then definitely didn’t see me as a candidate for transition, and our sessions ended after two or three times. Things have changed a fair amount since then.

        • #91575
          Lina Lea

          Can I ask what changed between now and 2003 for her to take your transition more seriously?

    • #91483
      Jay Locke

      My family is unintentionally manipulating me into thinking that I’m not but I remember I have always felt this way. They call me immature and entitled for identifying as trans.

    • #91487

      I feel the same way. I grew up wishing I was a boy, pretending I was a boy, and acting like i was, but as an adult I’ve said I am female. But now I’m identifying as a Male and want to start the process but half the day I feel like I’ve made the right decision and the other half I’m convincing myself, no I’m female. It’s frustrating

    • #91577

      [postquote quote=91575]
      Two different therapists. But, in 2003, there was still gate-keeping going on. And, she wasn’t a gender specialist. At the first or second session she told me that I would not be a good candidate for transition. I suspect that was because I was over 6′, and not very feminine appearing as a male.

      By contrast, my current therapist is part of the LGBTQ+ community, and has worked with a number of trans clients. And, she’s not worried what the starting form is, but what the end goal is.

    • #91676

      For me it was different than any of the stories I read above. My older sister and I started playing dress up in our mom;s clothes when I was 4. One day we got caught when my mom came home early from work. that didn’t stop us from doing it while mom was at work just be more careful. Well my mom found out and when I was 6 they sent me for counseling. I didn’t know I was trans cuz I didn’t know what that was. Anyway first they thought I just liked wearing my mom’s clothes and it would probably pass. But when it didn’t and as I got older they sent me to a therapist. I think at first he thought I was just a cross dresser, but after a few months began to wonder what I was. I didn’t know. The therapist turned me over to her female partner and she began to thin I might be trans from what I was telling her. She knew of a therapist who who knew more about trans in Seattle so my parents took me up there. So I started going up there every other week for a couple of months. I remember the day the therapist called my parents and told them she was pretty sure I was trans. So I got back with the female therapist here who had been studying up on trans cuz like at first she didn’t know a lot. I was her first patient. By the time I was 12 I had become pretty sure I was trans and it went from there. They got me on blockers and later hormones and I now been living full time as a girl for 3 years. So it more like that is what the therapist told me what I was I guess that me trying to tell them what I was. I didn’t know the name, I just knew how I felt.

    • #94024

      [postquote quote=82434]
      Great believer that “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck it’s likely a duck” I believe that most people would agree that if it “Looks like a female, dresses like a female, walks like a female, and smells like a female, it’s most likely a female”

    • #94039

      Absolutely. You put it perfectly. Those thoughts that I’m using this as a defense mechanism. I think about that from time to time. I think about my gender non conforming self and how happy I am when I apply my make-up, or put on that dress, or paint my nails. How mind consuming those action are. Those things while wonderful do not make me a woman.

      What does?

      I feel it is really important to look at my doubts. To honor those thoughts. To understand that is part of my process and willingness to be transparent, and to move forward in hopes of being my most true and authentic self. I do know that only through patiently building positive self regard will I fully accept the inner self that states regardless of how I look, what my feelings are, my truth is irrefutable and undeniably mine. I am content in that knowledge and acceptance, and that is what helps me to define my gender.

    • #94040

      I have felt sensitive and feminine inside my whole life. I have no doubts that I am transgender. If anyone asks I will tell them the truth.


    • #94769
      Dee Stroya

      I knew I was going to grow up to be a woman since 1978 and then did everything under the sun to sabotage myself. I wouldn’t call it doubt but something akin to it.

      I think for me it was a matter of hoping my feelings of being would  magically align one day and I would either simply be a woman or be a man without having conflicting thoughts. I prayed that I would either snap out of it or snap into it but not sit on the fence where gender was concerned. For a solid 40 years I tried to distract myself with anything and everything just to keep from thinking about my true self. Yet every day I came to the same conclusion. The inevitability of me. I didn’t doubt I was trans, I doubted I could do anything about it.


    • #99881

      How did you find a therapist?

      • #139364
        Elli Snow

        It’s not that easy. I spent half a decade in therapy and it took a while before I found one that I was comfortable dealing with. I would suggest asking friends that have been in therapy if they liked the person they dealt with, and checking with any support groups in your area and asking if they have a list of therapists they can recommend. Call or visit every one you can. Most are willing to do an initial consult for free. Some you won’t feel comfortable with, others you will, and if you are lucky you’ll find someone that you really like a lot. You want to find someone that you will eventually feel safe sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with.

    • #99886

      I never doubted I was trans, once I knew my out of place feelings had a name. Took a while to realize it didn’t mean I had to be on Jerry Springer.

      Never doubt who I am either, just doubt what entirely I need to do about it, and doubt my strength to endure being alone.

    • #100944

      [postquote quote=100824]

      That line about the miniskirt was great! I have to wear men’s clothing around the family, and I am completely miserable. The second I get them out of the house, out comes the miniskirt! I have a 12 inch Patagonia miniskirt. It is made out of a nylon swimsuit type fabric, and is so comfortable. I feel adorable in it. It feels like this huge weight is lifted off my shoulders when I get to wear it for a little while, lol.

      As for the topic, I have had my doubts over the years, and I think it is completely natural. When you have spent your life living as a man, it is difficult to make a complete 180 and abandon everything you have ever known. I am still going through that process myself. I worry about how the people in my life will react. I worry about how my life will change, and whether people will accept the new me. I worry about the new challenges that i will face in life. I worry about the extra time I will have to spend getting ready every day. I wonder if it is all worth the trouble. Though I slowly began the process of coming out a decade ago, I have greatly accelerated it in the last few months. Though I was worried about letting my guard down, I have found that I feel better with each barrier of the coming out process that I have crossed. Though it has taken me a long time, I feel that I am finally at peace with myself. Throughout my life, I have been more concerned with the needs of the people around me, rather than my own. I have carried this enormous weight on my shoulders my entire life. As I have come out more and more, I have found that the people in my life may not understand me, but they love me and will accept it in time. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I am carrying that entire weight on my shoulders.

      In closing, I have found that much of my self doubt is due to worrying about things that are impossible to control. You can’t force other people to like or accept you. My motto is: “If someone has a problem with me, then it’s their problem. Not mine.” I can’t change who I am, any more than I can change who they are. You just have to worry about taking care of yourself, both mentally and physically, and everything else will sort itself out in time. You will be happier in the long run if you do.

      • #100949
        Mia Story

        thanks. transitioning took me about 2 years after i figured out what was going on! then about two more getting used to it. i was so happy, i thought i might need a cat scan. but after a year i realized happy was the new normal. sex is all mixed up with transitioning but not in the typical way. its a vibrant sex. like when you feel sexy wearing a mini! overt sex with another person has been more about affirmation for me. i cant figure out why the straights make such a big deal about it?


        after about a decade of this i still find myself happy for no reason. sometimes i am worried or freaked but that doesnt last long. all this political stuff by the right wing is laughable. that mentality is what i grew up with, i think i can take whatever they throw at me. but always underneath i see the desperat nature of the right and i know things will get better for us.

        • #136341
          DeeAnn Hopings


          Interesting point about sex. I think the reason that cisgender heterosexual people are so focused on sex with respect to the LGBT community is the assumption that for us it is all about sex. In other words, they think that is the main reason behind why we do what we do. But, the reality is that it isn’t. Unfortunately, for many cisgender heterosexual people that thought process is set in concrete. That process begins with: “You can’t tell me…” and devolves from there…

    • #136334

      For what it’s worth, a lot of it seems to be a symptom of social conditioning. Many of us are taught from an early age that gender is linked to biological sex, and that anything other than expressing the gender you were assigned at birth is wrong.

      I remember when I was a kid in a religious school, we were told constantly that transwomen were just gay men who were trying to “trick good Christian men into sin”. It got worse as I went through the grades, and expressing any doubt or dissent got me hauled into the headmasters office for the usual round of detention and threats of eternal punishment. I tried on a skirt at the uniform store once and my parents almost disowned me.

      That was reinforced by the 90s and early 2k media. I distinctly remember an episode of one of the police procedurals of the day (Law and Order I think) that portrayed a transwoman as this lying, manipulative monster who tricked her husband into the marriage and did all sorts of things to pretend she was cis before she got murdered (which the show heavily implied was her own fault for lying about being AMAB).

      The whole experience did a wonderful job of scaring the life out of me and preventing me from even considering expressing my gender, no matter how miserable it made me to be seen as a male. I did my absolute level best to be what society expected from a male, and felt disconnected, depressed, and wrong the whole time.

      Thing is, when I came out to myself, I had a full blown panic attack over the realization, because the programming is still there. That toxic voice in the back of my mind (not a literal voice, obviously, but you get the idea) does periodically start shouting that I should just stick with the program, that it’s too late in life, that it’s not worth the effort, I’m never going to pass, I’m never going to fit in, that being miserable and towing the line is easier, etc.

      On a related note, if you have a moment, read up a bit on cult conditioning and how it causes even the most sane and reasoned individuals to avoid questioning things that blatantly make no sense (i.e. living as a male when you know in your soul you’re a female). You’ll be alarmed at the parallels between the mindset of people going through deprogramming and people who are working on coming out.

      It’s natural to question your transition when you’ve lived your whole life being told in no uncertain terms that you can’t be yourself. The kind of damage that does depends on the individual, of course. Some folks didn’t swallow the Koolaid as kids, to keep the cult metaphor going. They were strong enough to be secure in their identity, and no one was going to tell them otherwise.

      I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t that strong. I desperately wanted to fit in, to have friends and be accepted. I had bad knees, couldn’t play sports, I was a nerd, and bullied fairly constantly for being feminine and weird. It didn’t help that I’m adopted, so I was dealing with all the baggage of trying to figure out why my biological parents didn’t want me (it’s hard for a 10 year old to wrap their brain around the incredibly complicated nuances of adoption).

      So I accepted my role as a male and did what I thought I had to do. I was petrified that if I stepped out of line again, I would be left entirely alone. That fear scarred me deeply, to the point I still haven’t been able to come out to my parents because I’m afraid of losing them. So, yes, I question my transition often. Not because I don’t know who I am, but because I’m afraid to lose what little I have left. I know it makes me a coward, and I’ll cotton to that, but… the fears are very real, and I’ve had enough misery to last me 10 lifetimes.

      Anyway, that’s my long winded, rambling, and borderline incoherent view on why some of us question our transition and also somehow a coming out story? Sorry it got so long, it all felt relevant when writing it.

      • #136342
        DeeAnn Hopings


        No, you are not a coward. EVERY LGBT person always has to think about the coming out process in terms of consequences. For many, there can be some very serious potential consequences. It is always a balance of risk versus reward and each of us has to solve that equation for ourselves. There is no right or wrong with this. It is about what makes sense to us at the time…

    • #139291

      Absolutely! Often I’m thinking yes I am fem…and then maybe 30 mins later in thinking …but am I? I could be wrong.

      As others have said, you can’t just push away all the years you’ve spent as your birth gender. It’ll pop up again. For me thats over 30 years of male compared to 2 years since Pandora’s box opened and Lucia popped out. And about over 1 year since I realized what was going on.

      I don’t have much childhood memories of my fem side. I can only remember one that seems to fit. And when I began to research all this stuff I kept coming across “i knew since I was a kid”, which of course made me doubt it all the more.

      i am thinking if it is something else like a way to escape pressure, family, children, responsibilities or a life that does not completely satisfy me.

      Yup I had similar thoughts, like could something else have caused it? I know stress can mess your head up but I can trace my fem side back to early 20s when There wasn’t as much stress as these days so that didn’t fit.

      I read stories about de-transitioners but i found their reasons for transitioning in the first place weren’t the same as what I’ve experienced, so that also didn’t fit me.

      One thing I know for certain… Society hasn’t helped anyone going through this. (And that’s putting it politely lol)

    • #139365
      Elli Snow

      Hi, Annette. I answered NO to your poll. I dealt with severe depression issues for more than half my life and eventually checked myself into a psych hospital when I was 39. One of the best decisions I ever made. I learned a lot, including I have a couple of genetic issues that contributed to the depression and helped me learn to deal with them, learn triggers that could initiate a depressive episode and how to deal with it. I also learned to like myself and quit beating myself up over real and imagined failings. After a few more years doing a lot of gender and sexuality research on my own, I came to realize that gender dysphoria was a major contributor. It still took me a few years to accept the fact that my brain was wired as female, not male, and I moved into the closet for over a decade. I’ve been out now for a couple years and started HRT 7 months ago. I have never once doubted myself when I accepted myself and moved into that closet and today I am happy now.

    • #139761

      Not so much anymore. Occasionally but once I accepted myself as trans and I simply cannot believe that I’m a man despite my body. I often try to act like a man but it’s never very convincing.

    • #140099
      Emily Alt

      I hesitantly answered yes.  I was in denial for decades, but now know I was born trans.  Even after my egg cracked in 2016, I tried hard to not be trans.  CD, gender fluid, non-binary, etc…..they all sounded better than trans.  All those labels got discarded one by one.  Process of elimination left only trans.  Any remaining doubt was swept away by my first injection of estradiol valerate.  Profound improvement is the only adequate description for how I felt.


    • #100824
      Mia Story

      good news causes are known! during gestation in the first six weeks the female introduces a hormone which determines the body aspect. a few weeks later the female does it again which determines the brain functioning. so its possible to have a female oriented brain and a male oriented body. in fact there are numerous combinations of the above. not to mention the reverse! m2f and f2m!

      so wondering if you are trans is like wondering if you are human! i think that wondering thing is social. often i get the horrible feeling of male regret. i remember being taunted if i presented the least bit fem. i noticed my sister got to be a tomboy but if i was a sissy all sorts of retribution occured!

      i often rebel at my trans status and dress male for a day or two. then i get that drab feeling and out comes the miniskirt! i don’t think i will ever part with my miniskirt! i love it! it is the first piece of fem clothing i got that has stayed with me pretty much the entireity of my fem presentation. its a very short  black pleated cling mini with chains. yum! when i finally have to wash it i get my iron out and carefully iron the pleats all neat and presentable.

      i have had all sorts of silly and expensive fem stuff. when i discovered 2nd hand stores i was in bliss! at first i was self conscious going in there but now i’m bold. i remember the first time i shopped across the aisle at pennys. so self conscious! i still have those silly but wonderful flare jeans. i put little stars in the cuffs and they are mine mine mine!

      one of the first expensive still fem things i did was shop for shoes in iowa city. yikes! i bought some fantastic cork heel sandals. i took them home and thought i would never wear them. a decade later and i have repaired them a few times i wear them so much!

      the first dress i bought sufferer ill fate. i never wore it in public. and it was expensive! oh well.

      ya just never know when you are starting out. its like a roller coaster ride!

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