Fear and Loathing in Texas

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  • #102242
    Halie Hamilton
    Participant

    I will start off by saying this will probably a be long and jumbled mess so, if you don’t want to read it I completely understand. I have been working on this in my head for a week or so trying to think about the things I would like to say. I just hope it is not an unbearable amount of whining.

    Like I said in my introduction post I came out in December of last year, the relief I felt was overwhelming, I no longer had to wait for Halloween or to go to an RHPS showing to dress up.  I was ready to shout from the rooftops. I got myself some makeup and some nail polish and then some cute black camo leggings (they didn’t have purple in my size meanies) I always had my Ms. Valintine (my nickname for my wife yes I am a Jennifer Tilly fan I wish I could sound like her) by my side for the trips to the store, but I still felt guilty inside buying clothing and makeup for me. It took a month to be able to put on my leggings around the house.

     

    I spent my life hiding who I am, I love to laugh, I love to be silly. I tried to be that person who is larger than life, always accepting you for who you are, willing to talk to you about any and everything. Well, almost anything I draw the line at non-consensual sex, pedophilia, drinking, and driving, and harming people I consider to be my family, anything else you are okay in my book. Yet when it comes to seeing myself, well I see a huge pile o crap, ranking somewhere near pond scum. I feel so guilty being the real me. My friends and chosen family have accepted me but that little voice in my head says oh come on Necro you know better than that they are just all waiting for you to get to the punchline and when they see there really isn’t one they’ll all be gone and you’ll be alone like you should be.

    I have anxiety problems and they have gotten worse over the years but I have been a little better since coming out when I go to Walmart I have my eyes done up (badly still trying to get it right) but hidden behind my sunglasses. Today I had to run out real quick to get the mail and I almost ran out in my skirt I made it to the gate on my deck before it hit me I was in my skirt, and I ran back in to change and spent the next half hour crying about it. All I could think about is what if seeing me like this pissed someone off and they decide to cause problems what if they deface my house, what if they hurt my family, why couldn’t you keep this to yourself, you are going to get them hurt.

    I want so badly to go out as the real me, but I am so terrified that it will end up being too much for my friends and family or all the bad things that could happen. Some days I feel so so good and forget about all the problems and then like a ton of bricks they hit me and I can’t do anything but think how many things could go wrong. Hell even now trying to get this out of me I have been writing and rewriting it for two hours. I just feel so stupid and pathetic, and would not blame one person for telling me to shut up and go back to hiding.  I just feel like crying and crawling into bed and never coming out. I see myself when I shave and hate myself for not looking like a girl, for having so much hair everywhere but my head.  I hate myself for not being the real me and lying to my friends and family for so many years. I hate myself for coming out and risking their safety if someone decides to be a jackass and go after them because of me. I hate that I can’t even go out on my deck in the morning to have my first cup of coffee and watch the sunrise unless I am in my Icky outfit  I hate myself more and more I don’t know what to do. I want to be brave and know that it will get better but that little voice in the back of my head assures me that the train crash is coming and the real show will begin I am so tired I want to be free I want to be me I am so afrade.

Viewing 5 reply threads
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    • #102599

      Darling… move to New Zealand! Nobody will care in the slightest! Bring your family over too… so long as you have marketable skills you’ll be welcomed! Or Scandinavia, Spain… all with high percentages of CD/tg people!

      Hugs Polly

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    • #102580

      DeeAnn, Timmie and Lukcia
      Thank you for your kind words during my meltdown. I know I am a crazy girl getting all that crap out of my head and on paper or a form helps me deal with it I know it sounds like the rant of someone who is about to go over the edge. If I don’t put it out there then I can’t get mad and fight and I have to fight. I have to be me. You gave me the courage to post my profile pic. That is the first photo of the real me ever. You gave me hope that someone out there other than my friends and family could give a damn about me. And thanks to this place I have been able to make it to my deck in the morning to have my coffee and watch the sun come up as me.

       

      I am setting goals for myself every day some are small some are big but I have to start someplace to get out from hiding I just can not anymore. Saturday in Firehouse subs was the last day I will deny who I am.  I needed apples today for a pie so I made myself put on my eyeliner and went to Walmart and did not let myself wear my sunglasses into the store. I did it alone because my wife was at work and I really wanted to have an apple pie for her when she gets home. I was so afraid but I kept hearing you three telling me I could do it along with Tim Curry singing Sweet Transvestite. I went in and bought my apples and left when I got back in my car I cried and realized just running in to buy a bushel of apples took me 45 minutes.  I am still so freaking scared but I did a little something and that is better than nothing right? I am still trying to find a shrink to help me but really ladies thank you ever so much.

       

      Peace, love, and hugs

      Halie

      P.S. Ms.DeeAnn I want your lipstick

      • #102841

        Hi Halie, Well it looks like a lot of want to help you to be YOU, and that is awesome, I can’t begin to tell you how much help everyone at TGH has help me put somethings in prospective in my new life, no it’s not a new life, it’s a new journey, so enjoy every step of the way, the good and the bad, eventually everything will work out, give it time and don’t hide things from your loved one’s, because it come back to hurt you in the end… Trust is a hard thing to get back…

        Love and kisses

        timmie

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      • #102581

        Halie,

        You need to smile.  Find a mirror and practice smiling.  It’s harder for some then others.  Also, don’t worry about eye liner.  Wear a pretty blouse, maybe tight fitting jeans, wear a necklace.

        First thing I did was get my ears pierced and put cubic Zircon studs in them for 7 weeks.

        Another thing; almost everyone doesn’t care!  You go in a store…you pick stuff up…you buy for it and then leave!

        No happy girl dances in cowboy bars, but most places are “couldn’t care less” places.

        Learn to be in your own zone.  Don’t presuppose everyone else’s zone.  Be only inside you.  You are going to hurt yourself if you don’t develop a “I am me!, get over it!!” attitude.

        An elderly man upon learning I was in transition asked me what I would do if intolerant people questioned my sanity, my decision making, my being Lukcia.  I told him that right next to my heart was a big bag of: “Go Fuck Yourself!”, and that I would take one out and give it to them.

        Practice good posture, practice keeping your head up, eyes front, chest out;  now walk into your life Girl!!!

        Maybe this is bad advice…go figure.

        • #102585

          But even smiling makes my face ache Okay it’s an RHPS kind of day.  But really no not doing any kind of dance in a cowboy bar.

          I know the reality of people is they just don’t care but I am still very insecure about myself I mean something very little happened yesterday over at CDH and my mind blew it way out of proportion to the point of snot bubble crying (sorry bad image I know) I know I will get there and it will take time but some days I really really just want it to be over and done with so I push too hard and then I end up in here melting down all over you ladies. But at the same time, it feels so good to melt down and hear calm down we’ve been there you’ll get here.  Or running around on here seeing some of your stories and thinking wow I did that too.

          Hitting the chat and hearing (or seeing rather) people call me a Lady has really felt good and I so want that everywhere and I just want to sprint to it but I know if I do I will hurt myself

    • #102385

      First, let me say I apologize for my rant and the way it comes off especially to people who do not know me. I am looking for a therapist I can afford and work with.

      Ms. DeeAnn, yes please I would love to talk to ANYONE who is willing to talk to me who has been down this road, that is why I am here, and the closer they are to me the better honestly.

      Ms. Lukcia, sweetie if you ever find me in an Aggy bar know that one of two things has happened 1. I have been kidnaped or 2. the world has ended. Hook ’em Horns 😉

      Ms. Timmie thank you so much for reaching out.

      I needed all of you I thank all of you.

       

      This tread started out with the idea of I needed to get this all out of my head and journaling for someone with dysgraphia and dyslexia is bad because when we put pen to paper it ends up looking that the Zodiac wrote and even I can’t read it. But also I wanted to hear the hey you are not alone I have been there, as well as maybe if it is okay use this to layout my journey from icky Irishman to mouthy Irish Girl or dare I dream Goddess (sorry if it offends someone but I like Girl more than Woman it sounds better to me).

      So the story continues last night was date night. We are both gamer girls that in fact is how we met was playing Star Wars: The Old Republic so our date nights are we pick something to eat and then spend the evening watching binge-watching a telly show (currently Under the Dome) or me subjecting her to bad bad movies like Hobo with a shotgun or Nude Nuns with Big Guns or Toxic High, oh and who could forget Zom-Beavers and cuddling. So anyway last night Tiffany wanted Firehouse Subs so we went placed our order and the kid behind the counter asked for a name for the order. I locked up I finally said the ick name after a very noticeable pause. We went home ate watched Under the Dome.

      The whole time I am sitting there this thread is playing over and over in my head as well as the name thing in Firehouse. We ended up in the shower as we do and we’re talking and all of a sudden I broke I cried I screamed I hate myself she grabbed me held me until I calmed down, we talked a bit more about what happened she told me if I want to use her name for stuff like that I can so I don’t have to use my icky name she does not want me to hide to protect her, she wants me to be me and if I don’t want If bad things happen they happen and we will figure it out.

      So I woke up this morning made my coffee checked my email and saw I had replied, and again it has taken me more than an hour to write this because I want to get it right and I don’t want to make Ms. Vos have to work more than I am sure I will since I use all the words and don’t think before I open my mouth or in this case type.  So I am here the start of this thread and last night was rock bottom.

      So as of 15, May 2021 Eric I thank you for being my shield for 40 years, but it is time I stood up on my own two legs. I know there will be some bad days coming, but you can not have good without bad. I will not retreat I will not surrender, no matter how scared I get. William Congreve said Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, well he never saw a pissed off Irish Girl. I may cry I may yell and scream but I will not go back to hiding behind you Eric, I am Halie Quinn here I come world ready or not because I damn sure am. I can not and will not go back to hiding if I do then I will never be able to make it.

      Again thank you all for your support I am not going anywhere and I do hope you don’t mind my pity parties from time to time. I am a mess but I will get there, with help, and I am glad you are all here to lend that help.

      Halie

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      • #102389

        Oh Halie Quinn,

        The hard part is over now!  It took forever for me to declare: “I am Lukcia!”.  Things started falling into place from then-on.  I am on estrogen therapy, and the two “stop-the-balls” drugs, but I found that I cried a lot.  Crying became critical to my approaching the prior 67 years (I wish only 40).

        I just got back from the supermarket in my small home town where almost everybody knows almost everybody.  I wore a short pink patterned skirt with a deep pink sleeveless-T, plus a oversized white shirt called a boyfriend shirt.  My legs were freshly shaved, my nails polished with pink and glitter.  I walked up and down the aisles, did my shopping and then checked out.  It was so liberating, but it took a little time to get there.

        I had to go to my town office the other day to have my official change-of-name documents notarized.  They all know me…I have lived here in the same house for 22 years.  They were professional and accepting (that is actually their job).

        Halie: Take your time and find your truths.  Become Halie more and more every day, every good cry, every “Stepping Out”.

        Lukcia

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        • #102392

          Two brave things today one I am sitting in my nightgown on my deck having coffee I am on my second pot and neighbors be damned if they don’t like it it is my deck they shouldn’t be looking over here anyway. Number two I changed my profile pic first time in 18+ years I have let a photo of me show up online and first-ever as Halie

    • #102366
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Halie:

      While the human mind is an extraordinary machine that runs/controls a very complicated device (the human body), we must also be aware of how it functions.

      For example, there is the concept of Flight or Fight. If we are in a burning building, we will run out unless there is some particular reason not to. The idea of assisting someone else is such a compelling reason that can get us to override our natural thinking. There is a shift in our thinking, in this case from an internal focus to an external one, but events have to conspire to bring about that shift.

      When we have a difficult problem to deal with, our minds will often try to put it off or divert our attention to something else less threatening. This is one way in which procrastination occurs. As long as our attention is diverted, we don’t have to consider something that can potentially be a source of a lot of stress. Our minds will usually default to whatever will cause the least stress. The way a therapist works is to recognize what it is that you are trying not to think about and work to gently keep your mind focused on what has been avoided. We know what it is that we need to think about, but often we just can’t bring ourselves to do it. That’s why we need someone else to help.

      Sadly, I fear that you will remain stuck where you are unless something happens that will allow you to thoughtfully consider what’s happening for you and how to move forward. It is infinitely better to approach this in the near term and defuse the situation by dealing with it rather than doing something destructive later. The analogy is treating a disease in an early stage rather than having to move heaven and earth to treat a much more serious situation later.

      https://www.transcendint.org/

      https://www.pride214.com/
      Click on MEDICAL and then COUNSELING

      https://dallasgaycounselor.com/transgender-affirming-counseling/lor.com/resources/

      Also, I have a friend in Dallas that you could talk to. After many difficult years she transitioned several years ago. Let me know if you would like to do that.

      Get started…

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      • #102595
        DeeAnn Hopings
        AMBASSADOR

        According to my friend:

        The two best gender therapists in the DFW area are:
        http://www.feleshiaporter.com
        http://renee-baker.com

        At: http://metroplexmentalhealth.com
        Wes Parks or Melina Wikoff

        So, go forth…

         

        PS: I did ask if she would be willing to talk, but she didn’t respond to that part. My message was fairly long as we had not communicated for a while, so perhaps she just missed that part. I’ll try again later and we’ll see what happens.

        PPS: I have no idea about the lipstick as the photo was taken in the Fall of 2015. I’m using MAC products these days but I don’t remember from back then. I know I was using DERMABLEND makeup back then, but they don’t do lipstick. Current MAC faves are (both brilliant reds):

        Cremesheen – Brave Red (A28)
        Retro Matte Liquid Lipcolor – Feels So Grand (DA7)

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        • #102596

          That is kind of funny I have been on Renee Baker’s site a few times looking for groups in Fort Worth Dallas seems to get all the Trans love what sadness. But the great thing for a person like me who hates leaving the house and is possibly borderline agoraphobic is all of this Pandemic has made it so more people are willing to do stuff over the net or phone.

           

          I really want to learn more about the Trans side of Fort Worth I mean I know there are 7 places listed here as friendly but I want to know more maybe it is silly maybe I am overthinking it.

          I really want to try MAC I have been on a Sugar and NYX kick but most of my makeup has come from Walmart so have a fair amount of Loreal and Revlon

          As to the friend talking, I am not worried really it is a thing of really wanting to meet more trans people in Texas especially Fort Worth I mean then I would get to find out things like oh yeah they are trans-friendly but don’t go on this day because a retirement home goes then and everyone pays in pennies so you’ll be waiting to check out for two days.

          • #102598
            DeeAnn Hopings
            AMBASSADOR

            What kinds of trans friendly places were you looking for?

            At the moment, I would guess that the priority would be on getting started with a therapist or at least a support group. I think the key is about reasonable progress and not about rapid progress. When we attempt to move too fast, things get missed and ignored. As my grandmother always reminded me:

            Act in haste, repent at leisure…

            Regarding makeup, I had a bit of a circuitous path. I did a couple of sessions with a semi-retired makeup professional. She had many years of experience with movie and theater companies. She used Mary Kay products at the time and that’s what I started with. That worked fairly well, but then I discovered DERMABLEND. They are known for their coverage of imperfections.While it is a bit messier to apply, it works as stated. However, what eventually led me to seek something else is that at the time they didn’t have any products for very oily skin. For me, oils would bleed through in an hour or two. Weird; my face and scalp are very oily but the rest of my body is very dry. Living in the desert didn’t help either. Out of curiosity I went for a makeover at a MAC store. That was December 2017. They did have  products specifically intended for oily skin and I’ve been a customer ever since. The highest level in their loyalty program is MAC Obsessed and I’ve been at that for the last 3 years…

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          • #102622

            Trans friendly places right now more places to go shopping the places I see here are a bit pricy for me.  Due to other problems I have, I can not work so money is tight, and as we all know it’s expensive being a pretty pretty princess. As well as other places I feel like there is a whole world out there I have never been a part of and I want to be. I mean am not looking for what Lukcia is hoping I am looking for a Cowboy bar to do a happy girl dance in I haven’t been in a bar since my 21st birthday (oh crap I’m old that was 19 years ago) and I don’t think I could even squeeze my calf into a pair of Rockies.

             

            Yes therapist is high on the list of stuffs I need to get on with, in fact, last night I when on my insurance app and saw there are two close by me that will only cost me 10USD to visit I am going to call them in a few hours and see what can be done as well as taking Lukcia’s suggestion and am going to call the Woman’s Clinic and see if they can make some recommendations. I know your friend recommended Renee Baker and I did see she is willing to work with people on her prices I am going to call her as well but I also saw she is going on holiday soon, so that call is one I was gonna put off until around the first.  Because that is today’s Brave Halie goal is to call the peoples and tell them I need help.

            Oh and I have always wanted to do a MAC makeover since I heard about them in 2000 just always been too chicken and well was still in hiding (which is guess is another way of saying the same thing I was chicken) so that is going on the list not the top somewhere further down the line but it is going on it. Ms. DeeAnn I get the strongest sense you are a Momma Bear all of the things I read from you just really seem like it (I hope you don’t take that as an insult it is meant as a very high compliment)

            Okay Princess Halie needs more coffee (yeah okay the 3rd person stuff is never funny)

          • #102740
            DeeAnn Hopings
            AMBASSADOR

            Be sure to check out the officemate, Feleshia Porter. There was also a similar message about a degree of flexibility with pricing. Often there is also similar pricing flexibility with therapists at an LGBT center.

            I suspect that I approach my function here at TGH a bit differently from most. I came out publicly on October 10, 2015 in front of about 130 people. I was 67 and about 4 months from retirement. My wife knew everything about me and continues to be supportive. Different from what many experience, there was no thought of losing my career, my home or my family. I relocated from New York State to the Southern California Desert and began life essentially as DeeAnn. However, there are certain situations where I do present as Don. Most recently, I presented as Don when we went to get our vaccinations. I have no desire to change all of my documents, so they all still say Don. However, I didn’t want people to get weird while trying to figure out who I was. Also, I never take my car for service when dressed. Often women have less than optimal experiences, so it avoids that. It also keeps me from having to get testy with folks and doing a smackdown by informing them that I am a degreed mechanical engineer with 43 years experience. I’ve also been a car person since childhood.

            If you don’t start none, there won’t be none…

            I also live in an area that is pretty sensitized regarding LGBT people and issues. While my social transition is essentially complete, I have no plans to do HRT or to physically transition. I have little or no dysphoria. But, what I eventually figured out is that everything I do, say, believe or feel has always been from the perspective of both genders. It isn’t situational and that is one of the things that led me to think that I wasn’t a crossdresser. I don’t have a male persona and a female one. There is only one persona, and while it is made up of Don and DeeAnn, it is a constant. It has always been like this. Since I relocated, I’ve probably met well over 300 people here. I doubt is even 10% of them know that Don exists. For all of my many community and volunteer involvements, DeeAnn is the person of record.

            Over the past 5 years I’ve run across a number of trans people who are putting up a mighty struggle to just be who they are every day. Since that isn’t my situation, it was much easier for me to advocate for them. Unfortunately trans people don’t have a good reputation as far as general society is concerned. There is a lot of internal BS as well as external. Because I’m old, in a stable relationship, financially stable, etc. I am perceived differently. So, I try to use that to good purpose. But, sad to say, there are MANY trans people in very precarious situations. This is why it is such a sore spot for me to see folks turning their backs on the community after they have transitioned. The only way this is going to get better is if we are visible, doing good work, trying to lift up ourselves and in turn, the LGBT community.

            I am fortunate that the vast majority of problems that face most trans people have not been visited upon me. What I came to realize is that I have learned a lot about myself as a person, learned a lot about the trans community and also about the LGB community. But, what is most important is that we all grab a rope and help pull this barge down the river. It doesn’t work any other way.

            Regarding presentation…

            While I can shop at department stores, I mainly shop at thrift stores (in person and online). Definitely my money goes further, but it is also about the thrill of the hunt. I just find great fun in that and sometimes I have been very lucky. I was in the jacket section of a thrift store and found a very nice suit jacket by Le Suit with the original tags. I passed on it because there was no matching skirt or pants. A little while later I was in the dress pants section and saw a pair with tags from Le Suit and the tag said “2pc”. I took it over to where the the jacket was and they MATCHED!! Evidently when placed on the racks, the pieces got separated. Anyway, I got a new skirt suit that retailed for $225 to $250 for less than $40!! THAT gets me excited!?!? Maybe close to 90% of my wardrobe is from thrift stores. The only things that I always by new are shoes and hats.

            In spite of all of the difficulties involved in transitioning, there is one extraordinary part. Out of necessity significant parts of our lives have to get redone. We get to revisit certain decisions and perhaps we just might make better choices the second time around…

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          • #102749

            Okay Ms. DeeAnn, you have yet again given me a lot to think about and reply to but first and very importantly THERE ARE ONLINE TRIFT STORES?????? I must google (yeah that still sounds dirty). Any links you want to pass on I will be happy to take.

            My mechanic is a rare one he is a good ol’ boy and feels more like a shade tree mechanic than anything but he is in a shop and does great work he has always been honest and “treats people the way he wants to be treated like his momma raised him too and women always get a fair shake with me because momma would have beat my ass till it bled if I did not” And I have seen him talk women out of stuff others have told them to do even if it cost him some easy money.

            As for the town I live in I don’t know am sure I will be fine if not well then I will deal with it. As for HRT part of me wants to at the same time I have heard some really really bad things and don’t want to but that is a later Halie problem I think.

            Feleshia Porter I did see the same message and she as well as all the others I called yesterday have not called me back so tomorrow is calling again day.

             

            As for community well no matter what there will always be those few who get self-centered and become jackholes it is a fact of life and the human race, or maybe I just see the world darker than it should be. At least I have gotten better about waiting for everyone I meet to hate me after a short time (yes it is still there but getting better)  I like you have been lucky with my partner in fact date night this week is taking me shoe shopping I will probably still go as Eric because I don’t have anything but a single skirt and two nightgowns but so what I am getting some heels well I hope I am if they have my size.  I have been spending time in chat and my heart bleeds for the ones who have not been so lucky I can only think you fell in love with them not their plumbing what is the problem? But again I am lucky and on the other side of that.

          • #102753
            DeeAnn Hopings
            AMBASSADOR

            One of the things to remember is that thrift store shopping is hit and miss. You may find an interesting piece, but not find something to compliment it for a long time. It’s just the nature of the beast. Have a look at rustyzipper.com. I used to visit there quite frequently, but over the last 3-4 years the majority of my shopping has been with Etsy and Poshmark. Also others like Nordstrom Rack, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s, Sierra (the previous 3 are all the same company), 6pm.com (the clearance part of zappos.com which is owned by Amazon these days), DSW.com, Blair.com (great sales) and also the Sale and Clearance sections of department store sites like Macy’s. I try very hard not to pay list price for anything!

            Regarding having my car serviced, and other situations for that matter, is that the best way to avoid an untoward situation is to not let it get started in the first place. That’s all. An ounce of prevention…

            Yes, some have experienced some nasty side effects with HRT.  As I understand the probabilities are low, but stuff can happen. They do a lot of testing before and during to make sure that things are going will. As always, people are different so things have to be adjusted for the best outcome with minimum issues.

            Yes, I do feel sorry for some of the folks here. Some of their partners have outed them before they were ready and it’s all downhill from there. Major train wreck that didn’t need to happen. Others have turned the kids against the trans parent. Still others have been killed financially after a divorce. Just some really ugly stuff…

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          • #102625

            Halie,

            I don’t want you to go to a Cowboy bar, just the opposite!  I studied Advanced Food Sciences at Texas A&M because the school is excellent for that subject.  I hated the town.  Too many high on testosterone men driving in too big trucks, dressing like they are on the range, and their attitude permeates many of the restaurants I visited.

            I wanted to get Rainbow stickers and at night put them on all the truck bumpers.  Another idea was a “Honk If Your Gay” bumper stickers.  Of course if I was caught I would be dead.

            I also strongly believe that every one of us has to have their own “Happy Girl Dance!”  I do it in private most of the time, but sometimes in front of my wife.  Stick out your titties, wiggle your hips, and wave your arms & fingers around as girlie as you can.. It is so liberating!!

            Sometimes letting yourself be happy is the right medicine.  “I put my hand on a dollar bill, but the dollar bill blew away…But the sun is shining down on me…and it’s here to stay  Do you want to celebrate?  Yeah…Yeah.  Oh I just want to celebrate another day of living…”  Rare Earth

            Halie, Take care of yourself Girl.

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          • #102628

            Oh sweetie I know you don’t really want me to I was joking with you. However, if you ever want to go back with stickers you just let me know I’ll split the cost of gas and stickers with you and we’ll make a night of it. That sounds like one of the greatest bad ideas ever. I am so in.

    • #102358

      Halie,

      I strongly think you need to seek a mental health professional right away.  Call your local Woman’s Health Clinic, they usually have a transgender specialist on staff.  What you are doing is slowly killing yourself in order to appease others.  Because of of this you are taking half, if not quarter measures towards yourself.  Using an incremental method, always to at least partially please your perceived “jury”, will ensure you never obtain the “self” & “happiness” you desire.

      First: You need help of a professional psychologist that specializes transgender woman issues.

      There is a concept called “medical necessity”, where one’s health is in danger without medical intervention.  Your write-ups capture the essence of “medical necessity” quite clearly.  Seek help and seek help soon.

      Second: You are already describing “self-destructive” behaviors.  What happens next?  I was undoing my whole life in self-destructive behaviors, I was ruining my marriage, I was collapsing my finances, and I was dead inside.  Maybe I was suicidal, but building towards it slowly.  I could easily gone there.

      I am out now.  I have lost many long time friends that I guess weren’t really friends.  My wife is still undecided on leaving me or not.  A local contractor that was going to perform some work on my home changed their mind on availability.  EYES WIDE OPEN GIRL!!  We can’t make our local community tolerant, but we can stop being afraid.  Let those that want to hate you, hate you.  Let those that are willing to attempt to understand, take their time and learn.  Let people that love you, love you!

      Be smart, but don’t be not-out!  Don’t go to Texas A&M, find a Cowboy Bar and do the Happy-Girl Dance!  That is not smart.

      Come all the way out to your neighbors, your primary care physician, your pharmacist, your postal office people, the people at UPS (all my girls clothes go to UPS).

      Get help.  Not just here, but from medical professionals.  I have been all the way out for eight months now, and many people still don’t really believe it; It doesn’t matter… I believe it right down to my pink panties.

      I HAVE HELP!    THAT HELP HAS BEEN CRITICAL!!    I WAS ON THE WAY TO BECOMING SUICIDAL!

      Yes, my life is very different then it was eight months ago, but I am no longer dead inside, no longer suicidal, and I am happy to be me as I discover all that that me is.

      I am Lukcia Patricia Sullivan

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #102322

      Hi Halie, I came out 2020 to the world and my family, pretty much at the same time, the new who I wanted to be, I just decided one day I was sick and tired of hiding. It was hard I’m not going to lie I had a lot of the same fears, but that is all they were fears, mostly in my head, people will surprise you, You have to believe in yourself, for me I have had friends tell me that I look more com and happier then they have ever seen me.

      If you want to talk just message me, I wish you all the best in this journey.

      Huggs                                                                                                                                                                            timmie

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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