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Hiya peeps,
I have Type 2 Diabetes which was picked up on my HGV medical a few years back. I never had any symptoms, but they believed I became diabetic at around the age of 12. I was 30 when they made the discovery. Everythings good, I take the pills and carry on with life. They tell me I would have got to my mid 40’s and probably collapsed and if not dead, be injecting insulin for the rest of my life!
I have regular blood tests and monitoring. On one blood test I was called into the surgery after and told my Vitamin D was dangerously low. Take these pills for a month then come back for another blood test. Last Christmas Eve I was called in and told I had an emergency appointment with a chemist. When I arrived, the chemist was concerned about my Testosterone levels. Apparently I was producing less Testosterone than a new born baby girl. I was immediately offered a Testosterone injection, which I declined. I was warned of the dangers of no Testosterone and was forced to take a pack of Gel’s to take away with me. I was shocked and went back to my car and cried for the 1st time in twenty years. I can’t take the Testosterone. Its not what I want. Its the poison that’s ruined my life. I had to think hard about what I really want.
I’ve always wanted to be a Woman. I was a very feminine child and badly bullied at School, by local children as well as my family. It was decided that I was Queer (I’ve never been interested in men) and my parents threw me out of home on my 16th Birthday and after sleeping rough for a couple of weeks, took a job as a street Sweeper to survive- and managed to pay my way through college. I also made the decision at that point to “Man-up!” I met my wife when I was 21 but we didn’t sleep with eachother until I was 24. Yes I didn’t lose my Virginity until I was 24! God knows how I managed to keep my wife interested for the three years prior but all I can say is that I’m good with my fingers haha. I suppose I lived my feminine side through my wife. She did at times, moan about me treating her more as a doll than a real person… I chuckled, she had no idea how right she was. Four children later and I played the part of the perfect father, but throughout the next 10ish years I had many bouts of depression where I wanted to come out and live who I wanted to be but couldn’t. I was trapped by myself.
So, Boxing day last year I was sat in my 1966 Humber Sceptre with a hose connected to the exhaust. I couldn’t think of a better way to end it. Leather seats, walnut dash and twin carburettors that slowly pumped fumes into the cab. I wasn’t upset or emotional. Just numb. I couldnt let anyone know the truth. I had a family to think of. The engine had only been running for a minute when my phone rang. It was a call-out from work (I was a gritter driver at night and had a 30min response time and it had snowed heavily, which somehow I hadn’t noticed) and so I turned the engine off and went to work without a second thought. I seemed to running on autopilot. At work, one of the other drivers noticed I seemed a little off, and had been for the last few weeks and suggested counselling. I claimed I was fine, but realised I obviously wasnt.
After just one session I was convinced that my marriage was over no matter what decision I came too, so I may as well just tell her the truth. I did. We both cried and admitted how much we loved eachother and no matter what decisions I came to, we would always be best friends. Only other problem is that I’m sexually not interested in anything anymore. I haven’t been able to get a “rise” in 12 months and concerned that this will also put strains on my marriage so why not just quit and do what I have to do to be happy.
Apart from a Friday night makeup and pampering session, I’ve never introduced my wife to the real me. I’ve been content to have my female side recognised but it is becoming harder and harder for me to not explore further. I recently had to go back to my doctors surgery about getting bad cramps in my legs. He suggested it could be due to a lack of Vitamin D (not actually checking my records) and muscles / bone mass changing in my legs, so I’m guessing after a fresh blood test they are going to suggest Testosterone again.
Is now the time to tell my Doctor the truth and start a Transition? I do not have a lot of confidence in my Doctors, but guess I have to start somewhere.
Hey Jamie, welcome to TGH! I would recommend getting counseling, if you’re unsure of transitioning. I am in a very similar place in my life, I’m also married with four kids in my thirties and just beginning to explore the idea of transitioning. It’s a process and not one that can be rushed,
As for what your doctors have said, it’s probably not a good thing for your body if it has less testosterone than a newborn girl. Even if a body of the one sex produces more than one hormone than the other, our bodies still produce both and still need both. The doctors you’ve seen probably know little to nothing about hormone replacement therapy, and even if they do they probably won’t set you up on estrogen without a psychological diagnosis of gender dysphoria. They’ll probably want to get your body producing the hormones it needs naturally before they give it hormones it doesn’t recognize.
We all want to become the people we want to be here, honey. But we’ve got to take care of the people we are first. Please take care of yourself, and remember we’re here to support you.
Listen to Tory. You most certainly aren’t producing enough Estrogen without ovaries and with T being low too all kinds of things can be going on. I know I got very lethargic when my E dipped below 100 and that was under doctors care. Please find a counselor, particularly one that specializes in gender issues, and follow MD’s care. If it’s meant to be transition then they’ll get you on the right track.
Hugs, Ambassador Cloe
Had counselling for a year- £2000 worth. All they were really interested in talking about was my childhood and extended family, which is a place no amount of counselling is going to take me back too. I talked through 52 sessions and all I got out of it was “Mindfulness”. To be fair, my depression had lifted at that point.
I’m just dreading the conversation of why my doctor surgery prescribed Testosterone and why I haven’t been taking it. Our local surgery provides a terrible service, where you never see the same doctor twice and you wait weeks for an appointment. I live above the surgery and still had to wait six weeks to speak to someone about severe cramps in both my legs. I Advice is not something they do. Its more of a go in, examination, tick a box, go away kinda place. 5mins max.
If I go in, explain the issues, I’m going to have to do that every time I visit, to each doctor. I still have to for the Diabetes and its been 8 yrs.
*Update*
I feel so muddled and tongue-tied sometimes and have trouble explaining myself. I decided to take your advice and try the counselling again. Different place, different counsellor. Wow!
Straight away, put at ease and my current situation explained. Just, wow. Talked about my moods, panic attacks, anger, depression. my low T. I had no idea that due to low T and and the levels of natural Estrogen in my body, that I had a monthly cycle. explained a lot and made me choke on my coffee!
Things I should be doing, things I shouldn’t. Its given me some direction. I learned more in one 2hr session than I did in 12 months from my previous counsellor. It may be that the previous counsellor did all the hard work getting the information out of me, but we appeared to have spent time on matters of no concern for far too long.
Today’s tip- Find the right counsellor.
I didn’t realise that we need testosterone even when transitioning M-F! Up until the pas three years I have suffered all my life from chronic tiredness. I am now fitter stronger and with more energy than I have ever known in my life, which apart from the past few months on female hormones I put down to an “energy. band” that focusses the life force apparently and Royal Jelly. Maybe it was lack of Estrogen? Thanks for telling us your story Jamie.
I personally believe that I have to be myself no matter what the cost, a belief that will bee tested soon as my male persona is getting harder to maintain in the workplace
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