Gender Questioning

[Stephanie Mac]

I would love some advice or insight on how you read my situation or thoughts.

I started being envious of girls and their clothes when I was 13 or 14…and then turned to being excited wishing I was a girl.

When I was 7 or 8, I do however distinctly remember my mom that if I was born a girl I would have been named Stephanie (hence the name) and i brushed it off but also made me feel numb.

These feelings have never subsided…even though I tried to repress them…now I am 38 with 3 kids and a wife.  When my wife and I were dating or engaged I would cry after a fight…and distinctly remember her asking one time if I was going to transition (apparently I exuded some femininity and although I said no…it made me feel really good in hindsight.)

I can definitely 100% tell you if I died and came back to life I would want to be a woman.

I am still very envious of women’s clothing and when I see an attractive woman (even in the most mundane tasks like at target or walking the dog) I think how much I wish I were her…the feelings are even worse when she is dressed up.  Even we watch TV shows I am wishing I was the woman.

I have put on some of my wife’s clothes from time to time and love how they make me feel…but I then feel shame afterward as well as pleasure myself but still get excited when I tthink of being a woman.

Now that I have so much to loose (wife, kids, house, family) I am very nervous of even seeing a therapist and actually being diagnosed with gender dysophoria.

And if that happened and went on hrt…would it actually help and would i feel better…I just don’t want to make a mistake and be wrong and loose everything…I am ok being a guy, but like the thought of embracing feminity!

Any insight would be most appreciated!

Confused and Questioning.

Thanks,

Steph…gender confused

[Heather Harrison]

Hi Steph,

This is something that we all go through, and it IS difficult. Having a wife, kids and career/job make it even more so.

In reading your post, it seems like your wife has an idea of what is going on. It’s easy to put issues on the shelf when both of you are busy making and raising a family. I’m an old gal, kids are grown with their own kids, it makes it easier for me now.

I will tell you from personal experience that keeping secrets from your spouse doesn’t work out well. I am fortunate to have a wonderful wife, ( 3rd marriage), who knows about Heather and is somewhat comfortable with discussing HRT. I suggest sitting down with your wife at some point, and being honest with her. The children are a separate issue, but your wife’s input is crucial.

After years of dealing with gender dysphoria, I have finally found a therapist that specializes in this area, and I have found relief in being able to share my feelings with a professional and actually get some insight and advice.

This weekend I found a documentary on YouTube that I really found fascinating and could really relate to, which I watched with my wife. Look up The Gender Code on YouTube. This really explains where people fall on the gender spectrum. I suggest watching it with your wife, which may be a great opening to talk about your feelings.

Wishing you the best,

Heather

[Anonymous]

Hi Stephanie.

It is such a strain isn’t it. Wanting something and knowing that to try to take possession of what you want, it is possible that you could lose what you have. It is our perennial problem. I did not have a wife and children to lose but my extended family now numbers all of three people. My outlook was that if I was important to them then they would accept. Seems I wasn’t that important. But I wouldn’t choose any other life than the one I have. Why? Because I am happier now than I have ever been. I have my home, my work, my friends and the small community I am part of.

I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, or what the outcome of any choice will be. Would you like to be a woman? Or do you HAVE to be a woman? Does wearing your wifes clothes give you a thrill? Or do you feel like you have finally found yourself? Have you thought about “the equipment”? Any change brought about by HRT is permanent. I mean that if you develope breasts it means that, even if you stop the treatment, you get to have the breasts for the rest of your life.

Please believe me when I say that I am not trying to put you off, just giving you one or two things to consider before you make a lifetime choice. It is also possible to give vent to your femininity and remain a male.

I have been Jenni for longer than the male I was before. I have lived a fuller, richer and more meaningful life than I could have as a male, but then the choice I made was the right one for me. Only you can decide for you.

I hope this helps, sorry if it hurts, but I ask you to be as sure as you can be before you step into our fabulous world.

My thoughts are with you, and my best wishes too.

Jenni xx

[Anonymous]

Hi, Stephanie.  Welcome.  I too am trying to figure things out for myself.  Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

[Kim Floyd]

Hi Stephanie, Your post is heart rending. I’m sorry for your pain. I started to realize my gender wasn’t working for me at around age 50. The things you write are very familiar to me as I have felt them too. It took ten years of thought and struggle for my future to become clear and now just past my 60th birthday I’m starting over with a new life. My gender transition was too much for my marriage. I can’t imagine having kids to think about in that that decision making process, you have my deep sympathy. I guess its up to each individual to decide how high a price they’re willing to pay. From age 12 to my mid 40s my gender confusion/dysphoria was so buried even I didn’t know it was there. Like a dark planet in a solar system it did however have an effect. I was bitter depressed and angry. I wouldn’t presume to give advice to you but know that even though I don’t know you I wish you peace and will think of you.

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Stephanie:

It sounds like you have many questions and few answers. It can be very difficult to work through these issues by yourself. The problem is that the mind has all kinds of tricks in order to resist change. The human mechanism does not like change and that can work to limit your progress. It is usually helpful to link up with a good therapist who has experience with gender issues (not everyone does). What helps is that often a therapist can sense when you are not being honest with yourself about what you are feeling or when you might try to avoid facing an issue.

[Anonymous]

What your talking about sounds a lot like me. I still have a few moments where I dream or wish I was a female. Even with my big beard and all. Right now I am happy staying a man, that wears girly things. But who knows what the future holds. Maybe down the road my views my change and want to go all the way.

This is not a easy answer and no cure all.

Only you can really answer these kinds of questions. Just like I do did, but sometimes people need an outsider hear them out.

I may be only a crossdresser, but I still have the same thoughts and battles over gender identity.

Its just who we are. From the crossdresser to transgender and everything in between. We are going to think it, and we have to question it.

 

Hippie

 

 

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