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Im new to TGH, well i joined maybe a month or so ago and well really did not know where to begin. I think i know where now.
Who am I? My name is Carly and in some way or another i have known im trans for a while but still buried it down. About 3ish months ago i ’embraced’ my transness, not letting it be something i hide away or ignore. It felt so good. I was having issues in my relationship and felt that my partner would not be accepting if my ‘revelation’ so i left when we started another argument. It was difficult to say the least (we have been together for 6ish years and are currently engaged). After a week of being apart i responded to pleas to get back together. It took a lot but sent off an email that to keep it short was “yes i think we can fix a lot of our issues, but i am trans” i bawled my eyes out as i wrote it and sent it.
I was surprised by a ‘what does that mean?’ It was more directed as a personal question than a not undsrstanding what trans is. I did my best to explain but i dont fully know yet. We began to have chats trying to see what we could do. It ended with me pretty much saying ill go back in the closet. It was so soul crushing. We are doing better as a couple minus me feeling like half a person.
While we where apart i shaved my legs and under my arms and i made me feel pretty, soft more like me, even if just alittle.
The week before christmas i moved back and continued to keep up with my shaving routine. I never mentioned i was doing this but as a 37 year old in a long term relationship i figured she had noticed and just didnt say anything. Anyways she noticed yesterday and well needless to say it was not taken well. Im finding it so diffucult to leave this relationship as well i feel like she is my bestfriend and i havent stayed connected to really any of my friends (recently i have reconnected with 2 very good friend and they are priceless in helping me feel confident) covid makes leaving difficult for may reasons. I feel trapped tho i know i just need to rip off the bandaid and i feel like im making excuses.
I just dont know what to do. Im hoping that connections i make here will give me the confidence to do what i need to do.
I have left so much out of this post but i dont have the time right now and i needed to get this out.
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Hi Carly. First of all, what a pretty name you have.
I lived in Guelph for about a year and a half about 50 years ago when I was 11 or 12 (how did I get this old?😅) Lived in Toronto and Acton before that. And before that Edmonton and Winnipeg. After Guelph we ended up in the states.
Anyway, my wife expressed her commitment to our marriage and I believe her. I wonder if it will last. She has been supportive, lets me dress femme when we go out together. For that I am grateful but my love for her is such that I would minimize that if she asked. But I wouldn’t altogether. I have to be true to me. We would just have to let the chips fall where they may.
She did say that she didn’t think we could be sexually intimate ever again. I’m a woman and she just can’t do that even if I do still have the boy parts (which I do hope I will be rid of these hideous things one day). That is very painful to be told. But I can understand. I am asking a lot of her. She has the right to ask that of me.
Things have changed. They can’t be undone nor do I wish to go back in the closet. It wouldn’t work anyway. What damage there is has been done.
Anyway, you came out and you put you first by doing so. There are often compromises that can be made for the sake of a relationship but not to the point where it becomes harmful in anyway to yourself. I may have misunderstood but if you feel you can’t really talk about being trans during couples counseling then what’s the point? Your being trans is a big part of the trouble between the two of you.
I wish you luck and hope you’ll keep us posted.
Abby1 user thanked author for this post.
Hey Abby
I was going to say ‘wow you have lived in quite a few differnt places’ but just thought about all the places i have lived. Guelph is not myhome town but ivw been here now for about 6 7years.
But anyways there probably are some compromizes i could make but im still trying to figure out so much that i have so much to try and learn. The only real compromize that she brought up was that i could be a more femmin man. To me that is a no. It felt like no you cant be a trans woman you can be non binary and that is not who i am.
I completly agree with you in what is the point of the counciling. The reason we are doing was to fix the issues in our relationship before comming out. But really it should be talked about as its a big deal and it is affecting both of us.
I will keep everyone posted as i will be on here as often as i can.
Carly
Ps thank you for liking my name. My male name is Karl and growing up i was called Karli and to this date all my relatives in germany still call me karli i like it better carly tho😊1 user thanked author for this post.
Hey Brie,
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you so much for your kind words. I completely agree that it would help enormously to have someone to talk this thru with especially with my GF. Unfortunately she does not want to discuss it with a counselor she had drawn quite a line in sand. I was most certainly was doing my best to be as open and vulnerable however I caved and said I would not bring it up anymore. I feel pretty bad about myself for that, I feel like I lied bc how can I say it’s not an issue when it very much so is. I think I said what I did out of fear of losing her. At the end I think unless she can get on board I need to end things I’m just having an incredibly difficult time coming to terms with it.</p>
CarlyThat’s too bad, Carly! I can tell how much you have invested in the relationship, but unfortunately once we’ve broken trust it’s almost impossible to reclaim it. I actually did offer to my wife to try to purge, but I also said I couldn’t guarantee I could completely stop. I knew it was a risk, but at the time my marriage really did come first. I was fortunate that my wife did understand I couldn’t stop and she didn’t really want me to. As time and therapy went on, I changed my mind and decided my mental health has to come first, in order for me to be a good mate. She still agrees, but hasn’t agreed she will stay once the transition is too much for her to accept. We won’t know until we get there (although if I get vaginoplasty she will leave – and I don’t at all blame her).
I wish I knew of a way for you to be true to yourself and do everything your SO wants. To be fair, what if she said she wanted to dress and look like a man and take testosterone? What would your reaction be, assuming you did not crossdress or have any thought of transitioning yourself?
If you two do try to talk things through, I can’t stress enough how crucial it is for you BOTH to be totally, brutally honest with each other. It may hurt terribly, and you may elect to go your separate ways, but holding anything back will just hurt her worse later on. I wish you good chance and all the best!
Hugs,
Brie
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Hey Brie,
I think i ws ying to do something similar where i said ‘sure i will not act on these things’ but truth be told i cant stop thinking about it and since i left the closet for a few weeks i feel the need to make a plan and start to affirm my feelings.
I can most certainly understand how the situation you are in where your SO will leave if it gets to much can be very saddening and scary even, tho i feel you two would still remain in each others lives and that is in my opinion very big and has some sort of compromise.
I think if the roles were reversed i would be supportive. I would say im a pretty open minded person and as much as that would change things my commitment and love would prevail tho im sure as the transition there would be bridges to cross and those should be dealt with as they are approched.
I think this conversation needs to happen and sooner rather than later as you are right the longer it goes the harder it will be for her. I think its such a terrifying conversation as im scared of the unknown and of not having my friend anymore (this would happen she is not friends with any ex and she has expressly told me that i would be completly cut out.
As much as things are difficult with your situation, not really knowing what will be too much until its discused or happens i am happy that your SO is supportive of you.
Carly1 user thanked author for this post.
Hi Carly, I’m so sorry you are going through this. If you read my bio, you can get a little sense that we are going through a lot of the same issues right now.
I can’t speak as to whether you should try to stay or leave, but before you do anything irreversible, see if your GF will go with you to couple’s counseling. The therapist needs to be experienced with CD and trans relationships, if possible. In addition, you will benefit tremendously from indivdual counseling with a gender therapist. Many offer telehealth so they don’t have to be with someone close by. If your employer has an EAP service, they can get you several free visits with an in-network practice.
Good luck, and remember your GF will want your full honesty and vulnerability. I am still fighting for things I could have told my wife if I had known I needed to address it. I thought I was a PT crossdresser, but learned I do need to transition for my mental and emotional survival.
Hugs,
Brie
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Carly:
Glad that you found us! I hope that you will enjoy being here.
While I’ve never been to Guelph, I have been in the area (Branford, Collingwood, Oshawa and Toronto), although it was quite some time ago. The woman who leads our Chat Group (here in Palm Springs, CA) is originally, but ‘way at the other end of the country in British Columbia.
A number of members here are, or have, experienced what you are going through presently. What happens, or doesn’t happen, with our relationships clearly is a part of the situation as we come to an understanding of our gender identity. Many have enlisted the aid of a therapist to help work through the process as these things are difficult to sort out by ourselves. Some have also included their partners and see the therapist jointly or independently.
I encourage you to complete your Profile page. It helps others understand your situation and what you are dealing with. The page will always be readily accessible and can be updated at any time.
Also, if you want to search for other members in your area, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.
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Hey DeeAnn,
Thank you for your nice reply. It feels as tho my relationship is the only thing holding me back. I can only imagine how difficult it can for others who are married or in much longer relationships than I.
My GF and I have started couples counseling however the topic of me being trans was made to take a side bar so it is not something that we/I have brought up in our sessions. I have had an intake session with a counselor that specializes in those questioning their gender and I am anxiously waiting to book a session with them.
I do know I need to finish off my profile I just have not had alot of time and as this topic is pretty much off limits it makes it difficult to do at home. I will be plugging away at it tho. I am very excited to become more active here and meet all of the beautiful people.
Carly
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No pressure; just a reminder.
A few years back, my wife decided that we should go to see a therapist. The question in her mind was whether or not we were drifting apart. I didn’t think so, but I agreed. The bulk of the sessions were together, but we also did some separately. We did spend some time on my situation as a trans person, which was fine with me. I took that as the therapist needing to understand if that had any bearing on the relationship, and if so, to what degree. To me that is just due diligence…
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