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So much attention is paid to the clinical definition of gender dysphoria and how people deal with it that I thought it would be nice (and helpful) for people to share experiences with what it feels like.
I always knew something was wrong for as long as I can remember and never saw myself in mirrors. For years I went weeks keeping my head down in bathrooms. I cringed when i had to see my own face. Around 10 or so I had my first experience with a transgender person. A transwoman on some talkshow sharing their story. I remember thinking “I can do that?” I didn’t know how to put it in words but I meant transition. I’ve never forgotten that moment. Years later I started actually thinking about it. Now post-depression, a very brief flirt with alcoholism, and suicide ideation later I have begun transition. I always felt goofy in public…like a half man. Im 39 feeling this way. Recently I’ve come out and begun transition. Before doing so I had no recognizable dysphoria. A lot of things that in retrospect I now know where the symptoms of it though.
So, when I get dysphoria it comes in waves. I have the usual my hands are too big and I hate my stubble moments but those aren’t so bad. Every so often it hits hard and I feel like a fraud who’s wrong about everything and lying to everyone while pretending to be female (AMAB here). Horrid shame, like I’m a laughing stock. I feel like a dude in woman’s clothing and like I should detransition. I’ve stopped transition twice and was always glad I did…for a while. Then I’d start feeling like I have to transition. I’m making it happen. I deal with it by reminding myself there’s no set rules for knowing you are transgender. I am because I know I am. I get to decide how it feels to know I am. It’s not a choice and even if I don’t like it I still am. I tell myself I’m doing this even if it sucks sometimes because I’m so very very tired of having the feeling that I need to figure my gender out and always coming back to transgender. I would rather transition even if it’s difficult getting used to a new way of doing everything than thinking about what my gender is all the time. I already know.
So, how do you guys experience it and deal with it?
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