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I am sorry for the length of the post, but I will have to give some background about myself to put all of this into context. I am a 39 year old biological male, and I have only recently begun expressing myself to some degree, as I am currently still living with family due to some stupid financial decision I made several years ago before I got sober. My family is composed nearly 100% of pseudo-Christian far right Republicans. Anyone who does not look, think, and act exactly like they do is a lower life form as far as they are concerned. I have known I was different as far back as I can consciously remember. I remember not being able to understand why I couldn’t wear a dress like the girls, even as a young child. As I approached my teenage years and began puberty, I just felt completely out of place and out of sorts. I had no understanding of it at the time, at least until I was 13 years old and became aware of the fact that transgendered people existed. I remember spending the night on the internet reading everything I could find about transgendered people, and something just clicked for me. I wore women’s clothing for the first time right about the same time. I thought there was a sexual component to it until I actually put the clothes on. I wasn’t turned on by it, but I just felt comfortable and at peace. At the time, I was a devout Christian, so I was immediately repulsed by the fact that it felt so right. Without getting into unnecessary details, I also started to realize that I might also be bisexual. I eventually talked to the pastor about it and was told unequivocally that I would go to hell. After that, I began praying every night and didn’t dress again for a couple of years. When I realized that God wasn’t going to change me, I left the church and began dressing again, though I still attempted to convince myself that I was a totally straight crossdresser. Around the time I was 19, I discovered drugs, and spent the next 20 years in a drug induced stupor. I began wearing women’s undergarments exclusively in my early 20’s, and bought a couple of outfits that I wore around the house. Around the age of 25, I accepted the fact that I was definitely bisexual, and began attempting to pursue relationships (though unsuccessfully) with men as well as women. As of this time, I have dated one man, though all of my romantic relationships have been with women. I have always had this weird awkwardness around women over the years that I cannot fully explain, as I am not shy by any means. Over time, I have begun wearing women’s clothing much more often, and have occasionally worn some conservative pieces in public. I would love to wear women’s clothing exclusively and live as a woman but my current living situation won’t allow it. I am also 6ft,3in tall and 230lbs. I would never be remotely passable even if I had every available surgery on the planet. As my sexual attraction has evolved over time, I am still more physically attracted to women, though I’m not sure that attraction is truly sexual or romantic in nature. I am attracted to men romantically and sexually, but only as a woman. I don’t think I could be with a man as a gay man.
I hope some of you can make some sense of this post. I am sure it is as confusing to you all as it is to me. Any help that anyone can provide would be greatly appreciated.
Lufia, wow, that sounds like you have had a tough go of it…… It sounds like you have a lot to sort out, and you may want to find a therapist and have some long chats about you and what makes you tick. Not having the ‘you’ figured out can make life not be the joy it should be. If you look in Places -> Local Places, you can search for all sorts of things that may be near you. I hope this helps. Michelle
Unfortunately, therapy is not an option for me. I have an autoimmune disorder (Psoriatic Arthritis) that prevents me from working full time. As I have been rejected for Disability status despite documentation from my doctor stating that I am unable to work full time, I have no access to health insurance due to the fact that I am only working part time. I live on less than $1000 a month (my prescribed medications cost more than that), so there is no way that I can afford to pay for any therapy at this time. I am just trying to gain some sort of insight from people that have had similar experiences. I have to figure this out on my own.
Until you can work with a therapist, perhaps a support group may be helpful. There are a couple here:
https://memphischoices.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Memphis-Trans-Resources.pdf
Also, check with OUTMemphis. They may know of some free services…
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