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I am sorry for the length of the post, but I will have to give some background about myself to put all of this into context. I am a 39 year old biological male, and I have only recently begun expressing myself to some degree, as I am currently still living with family due to some stupid financial decision I made several years ago before I got sober. My family is composed nearly 100% of pseudo-Christian far right Republicans. Anyone who does not look, think, and act exactly like they do is a lower life form as far as they are concerned. I have known I was different as far back as I can consciously remember. I remember not being able to understand why I couldn’t wear a dress like the girls, even as a young child. As I approached my teenage years and began puberty, I just felt completely out of place and out of sorts. I had no understanding of it at the time, at least until I was 13 years old and became aware of the fact that transgendered people existed. I remember spending the night on the internet reading everything I could find about transgendered people, and something just clicked for me. I wore women’s clothing for the first time right about the same time. I thought there was a sexual component to it until I actually put the clothes on. I wasn’t turned on by it, but I just felt comfortable and at peace. At the time, I was a devout Christian, so I was immediately repulsed by the fact that it felt so right. Without getting into unnecessary details, I also started to realize that I might also be bisexual. I eventually talked to the pastor about it and was told unequivocally that I would go to hell. After that, I began praying every night and didn’t dress again for a couple of years. When I realized that God wasn’t going to change me, I left the church and began dressing again, though I still attempted to convince myself that I was a totally straight crossdresser. Around the time I was 19, I discovered drugs, and spent the next 20 years in a drug induced stupor. I began wearing women’s undergarments exclusively in my early 20’s, and bought a couple of outfits that I wore around the house. Around the age of 25, I accepted the fact that I was definitely bisexual, and began attempting to pursue relationships (though unsuccessfully) with men as well as women. As of this time, I have dated one man, though all of my romantic relationships have been with women. I have always had this weird awkwardness around women over the years that I cannot fully explain, as I am not shy by any means. Over time, I have begun wearing women’s clothing much more often, and have occasionally worn some conservative pieces in public. I would love to wear women’s clothing exclusively and live as a woman but my current living situation won’t allow it. I am also 6ft,3in tall and 230lbs. I would never be remotely passable even if I had every available surgery on the planet. As my sexual attraction has evolved over time, I am still more physically attracted to women, though I’m not sure that attraction is truly sexual or romantic in nature. I am attracted to men romantically and sexually, but only as a woman. I don’t think I could be with a man as a gay man.
I hope some of you can make some sense of this post. I am sure it is as confusing to you all as it is to me. Any help that anyone can provide would be greatly appreciated.
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