• Creator
  • #110172
    Rachel Montgomery

    Hi, I’m new here.  Looking for a place I fit in.

    I am in my late 50’s and a “in the closet” MTF.  For personal reasons, I cannot transition.

    I feel stuck, but my life is otherwise good.  I am not miserable, but from time to time dysphoria makes me fairly irritable, ill tempered and depressed.  Hopefully, if you see me acting that way, you will forgive me.

    I feel like I need a place where I can be open and be myself.  Maybe this will be that place?


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    • #110231
      Terri Anne

      Hi Rachel,
      Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and yourself.
      My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.
      Feel free to ask questions and we certanly love to hear your experiances and life’s knowledge as well.
      Enjoy the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
      Thank You for being a part of our community in TGH,
      Terri Anne

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #110175
      DeeAnn Hopings


      Glad you could join us!

      I suspect that there are many here who share you situation. In other words, how to make the best of things given certain constraints.

      Many of the members here have enlisted the aid of a therapist. Obviously depression and irritability are not good spaces in which to dwell. A therapist may help you reach an understanding so that doesn’t happen, or at least minimize it. One point to remember that every therapist does not have experience in gender issues, so it is important to find one that does if you do go looking for one. If you decide to do that, Psychology Today magazine has a searchable database on its web site that lists therapists (with their bio information) from all over the US and the world.

      It would be helpful if you complete your Profile page. It is a good way for others to get to know you better and understand your journey.  All threads eventually sink to the bottom of the heap, but the Profile page will always be accessible and can be updated at any time as needed.

      If you would like to search for others who may be nearby, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #110178

        OK, I updated my profile and added a picture.

        • #110188
          DeeAnn Hopings

          Very Good! Nice smile, too.

          Medical science and mental health science are always evolving as new things are learned and theories proven or disproven. And yes, all this causes definitions to change and evolve over time. For me, I identify as non-binary. I have no plans to physically transition as I never felt that I was in the wrong body. However, what I did eventually come to realize was that I have always been this amalgam of male and female energies and sensibilities. Once I realized that,  lot of things in my earlier life made sense. Also, the definitions changed as clinicians realized that all transgender people don’t have dysphoria.

          While I am not physically transitioning, I have essentially socially transitioned. In all the organizations that I have been a part of, or held offices in, since I retired and relocated here in 2016, DeeAnn is the person of record. Very few have met, or even know of, Don. The only thing left would be to have all my documents renamed, but that is a lot of work for very little benefit. On occasion I do go out as Don. The most recent times were back in February and March when we went to be vaccinated. I didn’t want people to get confused by looking at DeeAnn but seeing Don’s ID.

          One thing to remember is that only somewhere around 30% of trans people have affirmation surgery. The reasons are varied. If your medical insurance doesn’t cover it, or you don’t have insurance, many people cannot afford to self fund. Some may be poor medical risks due to pre-existing conditions. Some may not be able to leave work for the 6 or 8 weeks of recovery. Some may be caregivers for someone and can’t get a replacement for that time. And finally, some just do not want to do such an invasive surgery. Anyway, the message is that there are many that would be eligible to transition, but do not. I suspect that the general population assumes that every trans person has affirmation surgery, but obviously that isn’t the case.

          I had a good friend who was intersex, but sadly she passed away a couple of years ago. We met shortly after I moved here and it caused me to do some investigation of the subject. Once again, I think the beliefs of the general population are suspect because many probably believe that the condition is obvious. What I learned is that some people essentially show no or hardly any noticeable signs. Their intersex condition shows up at the chromosomal level. Kills the theory, doesn’t it? Anyway, she was one of the fortunate ones. She was born in the early 50’s but her parents resisted the advice of doctors and did not allow any surgeries. She grew up male, married and fathered 2 daughters. Her transition began, but only with HRT, 2 or 3 years before we met.

          Anyway, it is a complicated world and there are many roads to town. Best Wishes for your journey!

          • #110189

            I can’t have children (either way, father or mother).  I didn’t know I was intersex, but I feel sort of stupid for not knowing.  I mean, my psychologist suspected it based on what I told him.  I did WONDER whether or not I was maybe intersex, but the Endocrinologist I had seen since I was 16 never mentioned it.

            I went to a new Endocrinologist and one of the first things he said to me was: “so…you’re intersex.  I have other patients with the same disorder and I know how to treat it, so you’re in good hands.”


            Whoa!  Wait!  What?  (Not horror, but sudden recognition).  Anyway, I should have been told.  I should have known.  Now, I know.

            I suspect that my parents were told when I was an infant.  I had a surgery on my penis, and they “don’t remember why” I needed it.  Yeah.  Right.  Why ask why, right?  Sure.

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #110191
            DeeAnn Hopings

            Damn, makes me wonder about the competence and/or morality of the first doctor…

          • #110192

            Well, it wasn’t incompetence.  It was in the medical records he delivered to the other doctor.


            I suspect he made that diagnosis when I was 16-17 and told my parents.  I suspect they didn’t want him to tell me because they …were worried how so would react?  And, then the moment to tell had passed and he was on to prescribing medicine and checking blood work.

            he never mentioned that I would be sterile.  I am.  My new doctor says everyone with my disorder is sterile.  I wish I had known.

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #110193
            DeeAnn Hopings

            Ah, understood. Still sad that no one told you. That would have been a good piece of information to have. I can understand not telling you as a child, but I think it should have happened as you approached adulthood…

        • #110179

          Nice picture if a beautiful woman 🙂 I think we have similar excuses for not becomming who we really are?  ….

          • #110196

            BTW, the photo is a “filter”.  I am not actually that feminine.  But, the features are very similar.  And, the hair looks a lot like my wigs.

          • #110190

            Really?  What do you think we have in common?

          • #110218

            We should have becommed what we sre st s much earlier stage in life. I was in the transition health care, but some «convinsed» me it was wrong. Difertence is that someone fooled you

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #110221

            I don’t know that anyone ever fooled me.  I mean, I did misunderstand the definition of transgender/transsexual, but I knew I was “something” different from most people, and I knew what I wanted.  I knew I wanted a female body, and to live as a female.  I also knew that (as a kid) coming out would mean ECT.  Another kid at my school endured that, and I didn’t want to be shocked into hiding, I would just hide without the need to be shocked thank you.


            i think that child from my school still has a terrible relationship with his family, and resents the heck out of them for what they put him through.  But, it was what the psychologist at the time recommended here.

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #110290

            So sad to hear such bad treatment😡

          • #110320

            Yes, it was awful.  He told me about it a few years after it happened, but before I was in the situation with my doctor.  So, I was aware of it.

            To be honest, I was worried they would try to have me committed, and if they wanted to they probably could have.  I am not saying that I was a threat to others, but I was at times a serious threat for suicide.  It would have been enough to hold me, and they would have had the resources to make it happen.

            I had seen “One Fly Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”, and was worried I would end up locked away for life, which to me was worse than dying for sure.

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