Introspection

[Carly Holloway]

Hi, all.  I’m pleased to be with you now that I’ve discovered this site.

I like to think of myself that I am willing to look rather deep inside, and try to find honest answers to life’s questions and predicaments.  Self reflection, you know.  I’d doing this, I seem to have discovered some amazing and thrilling things about myself, for example, admitting it was time to quit hiding and live my life in a way to make me happy and sane.  So, I’m making the transition.

I have discovered that, while keeping my true self submerged, I also hid from other traits, such as the ability to fully enjoy life, being open and expressive, being outgoing.  I thing that I am soooo much more outgoing and personable as my real self.  Before transition, I was quiet, reserved, rather aloof, friendly, but not a “friend”, so to speak.  As such, I was told that I often seemed unapproachable and maybe intimidating.  Sadly, in early stages of transition, I haven’t make a lot of connections to talk this one over.

I wonder if anyone else has had this experience, and what you might think about the process.

This is my second day on the site, and I am really liking it so far.

Carly

[DeeAnn Hopings]

It takes a lot of energy to suppress very powerful feelings. It is energy that could be put to much better use.

There are 2 parts to this. One is admitting to yourself that you are different from what you originally thought or different from the expectations placed on you.

The other is hiding in such a way as to avoid additional scrutiny in order to prevent being found out.

The less you invest in trying to keep the lies in place is very helpful. You are not living under the weight of posturing in order to try to please others and maintain the facade. However, as you begin to jettison that baggage, most wonder why they didn’t do it sooner.

The choice is very clear. Continue to put effort and worry into who knows what or begin to live the life that you are destined to live.

As a byproduct, when you come out on your own terms, you get to tell your story, your way. If you get outed by someone, you lose the narrative; you lose the ability to tell your story. Rarely will others know enough to tell your story as you would tell it. Instead, people fill in the blanks with whatever BS  that pops into their minds.

Done there, been that…

[Seren]

Hey Carly, thanks for sharing

I was talking to my counsellor yesterday wondering why I’m suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of dysphoria at 49. She suggested that the various states of lockdown folks have been dealing with have lead many to spend way more time than normal inside their own heads. Certainly this seems to be true for me; 10+ weeks of no work and thus a LOT of time to self analyse, watch YouTube videos, read books, read blogs……

take care

Seraphina xx

[Dee Stroya]

Carly, I think you are spot on when it comes to hiding yourself from others. I assume we all do this to some extent mostly to our detriment. I did not start recognize this myself until about a year ago. It is still a struggle as I am only out to about a dozen friends and family members.
What I have found recently is that now I am aware I am not engaging 100% with friends that don’t know about me. This presents a new conundrum as I am not yet ready to be out 100% nor do I want to alienate those close to me.
I assume as we work on ourselves and become more comfortable in our own skin, our comfort will radiate and bring us closer to our friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Hello Carly, I think that how you described yourself would be characteristic of all of us. If we had good friends we would have to expose ourselves and most of us older trans girls have learned very well how to be cautious and survive.

Everyday that I live as a female I rejoice in my life of how good it is. A lot of women have issues with society and how women get paid less for the same job and find it hard to break the glass ceiling. That is good for them but I am just so happy to be able to live as myself . I don’t worry about any of those items.

Sometimes I get emotional and cry when I am sad and other times cry when I am happy. It is so freeing to be able to be a female and be able to cry and know that it is my right and how freeing it is. Society does not allow men to express emotion. What a wonderful life it is as a female.

[Author]

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