Is this “baby steps”

[Anonymous]

In a number of posts by various ladies mention has been made of “baby steps.”

Circumstances have given me the opportunity to dress at my apartment during the last week. Never have I had this much freedom to learn about myself. It has been so enlightening.

I have never considered myself a crossdresser because in my heart for my lifetime (since 5 years old) I sensed an extremely overpowering draw to the feminine.  I have always wanted to be girl; now woman. My soul passion was to simply be the-girl-next-door. So crossdressing, what little I did it, always left me empty, let down, etc. since in my mind I was just a “male in a dress.” Also many times the dressing had a strong erotic element which left me wondering if it was a fetish or perversion.

But this experience is vastly different. I dressed, sans any eroticism at all. It seems my mind shifted. I was not male me in woman’s clothes (my wife’s. She has much that fit me very well). At this time I was a woman. I was around the apartment doing chores and work as a woman. I chatted on line with two different very gracious assistants, identifying myself as a trans-woman, at Bare Necesities about purchasing the right bra for my size. I had no shame or embsrrassment. My mind was totally in woman mode; what was there to be embarrassed about? We were simply two women discussing appropriate lingerie. I believe I was experiencing me “in real”, though to be sure this was a very controlled environment.

Being controlled notwithstanding I went from feeling guilty and ashamed to feeling at peace, in harmony, very much in total person alignment. This is all in spite of my strong Christian faith with which I have always battled.

My faith is still there. I don’t see me ever abandoning it or my practice if it, but somehow I seem to be in harmony with it and it with me as the woman I believe I am.

The opportunity to give expression to my self through dressing will soon be ending. That brings sadness to be sure and not because I can not dress, but because I can not freely be authentic.

Though I have never seriously believed I could ever live authentically, now I am not so convinced. I have thoroughly been blessed by expressing my femme self. I am finding in my heart  I truly want to continue that blessing, but I want even more so to grow it to greater degree.

What I would really love to do, if it is even possible, is to be a blessing to others as Charrie. I believe I could be if I could successfully and properly navigate transition. Or perhaps I will find that is possible without being Charrie full time.

My question is for many of you further along than myself, are these the “baby steps” referred to? Am I reading more into this than I ought or truly can I look at this as a precious gift and be joyful over the progress toward a growing understanding and eventually public revelation of my inner femme self?

Thank you all for being here to help and encourage each of us in our journey to authentic self revelation.

Hugs,

Charrie

 

[Angela Ramirez]

Hi Charrie,

I’m not much further along but yes those are baby steps. You are starting your journey. We all have different journeys. Some are faster or slower, they take all types of different paths to our ultimate goal of being a woman. I don’t know about everyone but I understand your comment about the erotic element when dressing. I used to have the same feelings of shame and guilt and thinking I was a pervert. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve accepted myself now but when I dress I feel like my authentic self And comfortable in my own skin. I’m happy and that old erotic feeling is no longer there.

Since you are a woman of faith I hope this will make some sense. My daughter and I were having a conversation about transgender individuals. One of her friends has a trans sister. My daughter said she believes God put transgender people on this earth to test others to see who are the good people. Who will treat transgender individuals with love and respect. Those are the people God has a place for. My daughter doesn’t know about me… yet. But I hope she will be accepting.

Hugs,

Angela

[Therese McKnight]

Charlene-

Baby steps are good steps too. Everyone transitions at their own pace.

I have an idea about the erotic sensation that a lot of us feel. Our nervous system rules our ‘being turned on’ or not right? If a person is tense it’s harder to get into the moment. Well, I don’t know about anyone else but when I am dressed I can feel my nervous system completely relax, because it feels right. That’s why I think I get turned on when I dress, because my nervous system has relaxed and I am feeling safe to be me.

I don’t know it’s just a thought.

Therese

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