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Hi, I’m the father of a young TG person. I’ve always believed I’m very open and honest about TG issues my child has had. Apologies in advance if this question in some way disappoints or upsets anyone reading this but I’m looking for advice.
In discussion with my child about neopronouns, they said they’d be okay with having the pronoun ‘it’ but im 100% against that and said how uncomfortable I would be with referring to any human as ‘it’. I see it as derogatory and dehumanising and would refuse to call any person ‘it’.
They were upset with this and now I feel terrible. I don’t feel supportive at all and I’m worried they won’t come to me to talk anymore.
My question is simply this; what can I do now? I want to be supportive but I’m really not okay with this. Am I a bad person for not wanting to use a preferred pronoun?
sorry for my waffle
Hi Jason , You know there are still some basics that a human being has to do in a world that is very biased still – I’m M to F and older at 63 – in order to function when a person gets older you outright need a basic gender consideration of what that child feels like – ” IT ” will not work in society – a person still needs the basics to function in life with a Drivers License/Passport/Banking / etc. – this is were a child under your protection being loved / fed / and looked after by you now does not have a clue what it’s like to be on there own in the future getting employment and paying bills ( this needs to be explained as good as you can to the child and life gets way harder as you get older let alone being Transgender ) – preparation for the child to leave the nest has to be done – if the child looks and functions more Female then the pronoun ” SHE ” needs to be used and start the switch over with ID especially the child’s Birth Certificate which is the ” Holy Grail ” – this is ” CRITICAL ” without the basics your in-store for a lot of grief – you need basics to function in a biased world no matter what – XO – Old Trans – Krystal
It’s okay to be uncomfortable with the pronoun “it” in reference to your child. “It” refers to a “thing” or an “object,” which is never a good thing. I might suggest that you propose to your child the pronoun “they.” I know it’s not a perfect solution, referring to your child as a plurality is a bit awkward especially at first. However, it has the benefit of referring to your kid as something more than a “thing.” Anyway, from what I hear, all the “cool” gender noncomforming kids, do kids even use the word cool anymore, use this pronoun. Also, it is a good choice to use until a better option comes up. Anyway, I hope this will help. 🙂
Thank you Charlotte, I’d does help a lot. Exactly my thoughts with using ‘it’, seems so cold and dehumanising doesn’t it? (“Where is A?” “It’s in the garden” *shudder)
They’ve asked to use the ‘they’ pronoun before which I’m doing (mostly, but the odd accidental slip) okay with, but I can’t bring myself to say ‘it’ 👍
Jason:
Glad that you joined and I sincerely hope that it will be a good experience for you.
There is a parallel regarding gay people. Folks who are roughly 40’s on up have a strong negative reaction to the word Queer. For them, they only know the word as a derogatory term. However, younger folks have adopted the term and use it as a positive description. So, when you see LGBTQ, the Q refers to those who are either Queer or Questioning. It also pops up in Genderqueer.
In your case, I understand exactly what you mean. I would also find it very difficult to use the term It for the same reasons. To me, when having a discussion like this, two things need to happen.
The first is that your position needs to be explained and understood. This is very important so it doesn’t seem like a knee-jerk reaction. From what you said, it sounds like you have accomplished this.
The second point is that care must be taken to keep any sort of angst out of the conversation. If not, the reaction may be more about the angst than about the actual issue.
Anyway, sometimes things just need the settle a bit before the next round of discussions. Like tea, it is good for things to steep for a while…
Beautifully put, thank you DeeAnn. We’ve had more of a chat this evening and I’m feeling a tad better.
I know I won’t get things right all the time but I’ll always try my best and I’m happy to keep learning 👍
Jason:
And with that, you have covered the important part. No way we will get it right all the time. Unfortunately, because of this, some will become self-conscious and not ask. That’s a terrible situation as it doesn’t help ones learning. Folks just remain Stuck. Anyway, glad that you are feeling more positive.
So, hang in there! We’re all with you and hope for a good outcome. Many of us here are parents so we understand…
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