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Today was my first therapy session with my gender therapist. It was fantastic.
Unfortunately now the fallout starts, my wife of 39yrs is not willing to give an inch. The first words from her mouth contained the word “divorce”. Maybe once she settles down she will reconsider. I doubt it. I’m past caring, so from here forward I will put myself first. I just hope I land on my feet.7 users thanked author for this post.
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Hi Katie,
a. decent therapist is worth their weight in gold.
b. go easy on your wife, remember you’ve been figuring all this out over a lifetime, while she’s just been nuked from orbit with your news and any positive movements forward are going to likely make her feel entirely dis-empowered and removed from you, in short be patient and show a little compassion and let her figure things out, maybe point her in the direction of a therapist and some YT videos in regards to being a partner to a transgender person.
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I started off going to my mom telling her that I believe there is something wrong with me. I have this strange feeling I’m supposed to be a girl, well we talked about it joke about for a bit. As time went on a couple weeks later my sister moved home and I caught her up on how I felt mom, my sister and I decided it was time for me to seek counseling and I did and what a wonderful experience. My new counselor and I scheduled visits months a head and always looked forward to them. Eventually i started hormones and started to change. I noticed i started changing like my behavior mood swings, the way I think and act. I did report reported it to her. What a grateful change to my life.
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Your Welcome!
Katie:
From all I’ve seen, there isn’t much predictability regarding spouses of transgender people. Whatever the best outcome for the situation is, I hope that is what happens. It is a tricky situation because even when couples stay together, there can be an ugly undercurrent of animosity that sometimes bubbles to the surface. Further, you never know what can set that off. It can be a minefield.
As is said: “All will become clear in the fullness of time…”.
Good Luck!
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Hi DeeAnn, thank you for your thoughts. My wife is very unbending in what she allows, unfortunately as time goes on I am less and less willing to stifle myself just to save our marriage. The fact that I sought out therapy was a red flag for her and she felt threatened. My next session is in 3 weeks so we’ll see how she reacts. In the long run I’m not hopeful, if I’m to advance in what I feel I need, this situation will not survive. It is all up to what she can live with. Hugs Katie
Hi Katie.
I had a very similar experience. The past 2 months has been the most testing our marriage had ever endured. Then one morning just over a week ago we had a very difficult talk without fighting. I stood my ground and she made her feelings very clear. Since then I allow her to see a bit more of Michelle and so far we seem to have at least crossed a boundary she was previously unwilling to budge on. As a result we are both a 100% more relaxed and for the past week she has given me space to just be me. She is starting to realise that transitioning does not change how much I love her and that is a start. Will our marriage survive this? I think perhaps not, but this is difficult for our spouses too. Whatever happens I will always love her and do my best to understand and respect her point of view, although I am no longer able to continue living as a man. I decided a while back already that if my transition meant that she ended up resenting and hating me for the pain I caused her, I would never hold a grudge or even allow it to escalate in to an ugly mess. Our spouses all react differently and mine had tons of anger and resentment towards me, but it eventually became pain, then a silent acceptance that I am not trying to hurt her. There are surely more pain and arguments and attempts at persuading me to remain as I was when we married to come, but the best I can do is try to understand her own pain in all this and continuously show her that although transitioning for me is a matter of surviving the previous depression, guilt and inability to continue functioning in society, she will continue to remain the most important person in my life. Our spouses have their own peace to find and decisions to make. We can only hope for the best outcome possible. All the best on your journey and I hope your story has a positive resolution in the end.
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Oh Katie, I’m so sorry you had a bad ending to the session. It really hurts when the one we hold dearest can’t see past their perceptions and at least give it a chance. But in your wife’s defense she thought she married a “whole” man and she feels completely betrayed. If your wife had come to you and said she wanted to start taking testosterone, dress like a guy, and get a prothtesis, how would you react?
I read an article on Medium recently that pointed out we have to own that betrayal and recognize what it does to our SOs. That doesn’t mean we heap self-guilt or negative thoughts on ourselves, but we can’t just say they need to adapt to us, or say it’s their problem. Letting them know how much we hate doing that and trying to put yourself in their place can go a long way towards a real dialog.
If she won’t go to couple’s counseling (if that’s what you both want to save the marriage) then you are forced to choose, unfortunately. My wife and I are still married and talking with a therapist, and we’ve had some brutal conversation about first my CD-ing then my need to transition.
She is making plans to move to her own place to reset (a lot of it has nothing to do with my reveal). I don’t know if we will get back together, stay separated, or divorce. Whatever is best for her (other than me not transitioning) I want to do for her benefit. Hang in there and don’t let initial anguish cause either of you to do anything rash. I hope you can both find what you need – even if it isn’t what you both want!
Hugs,
Brie
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Hi Brie, you’re right on all accounts, and I understand her point of view. I just wish she could have turned out to be a more accepting person. Right now she is not willing to do any counseling, either alone or together. Like my counselor said though, she has enjoyed the way I’ve been throughout our marriage. A somewhat feminine man. I’m still hopeful that she may come around. But the realist in me doubts it. Hugs Katie
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Hi Brie, My wife sounds like yours (in fact, I think you were the one who I asked if you were married to my wife on CDH because they sounded so much alike, I used the name Kristen Smithly on CDH). My wife actually called me “her feminine man” fairly early in our marriage. I told her I was a crossdresser when we first started dating and it was not really a sexual thing, more of need I had. I haven’t really hid it from her much. She once asked if she was going to come from work one evening and find me in a dress. I said no, but I was thinking “No way, it would be an evening gown!” I wasn’t even sure if anyone wore evening gowns anymore. Not even sure what one actually is. I kept my shut at “No”. As I am finally finding the true me, I realize this is probably not going to work for her.
My “dream idea” is we stay married (I am disabled and pretty much rely on her financially), and she accepts my transitioning self, though I know that is just a want, probably not going to be a reality, but then she surprises me and does things like “you should get that apron with the cute frog on it with the pink flower, it’s very pretty and feminine” (I am a former chef), or those are “cute” slippers. We passed a very well built buff looking man jogging down the road shirtless and she said isn’t he buff and good looking, don’t you think? (yes, he most definitely was!) and it was asked more like she was just talking to a girlfriend than a husband, or than trying to see what my reaction was. She has never seen me fully dressed, and this was at her request early on, and out of love and respect for her, I have honored the request, but things are a-changing, like the old Dylan song. I am 65, so starting over at this age is scary, but I want to finish life as who I am, and not who I thought I should be or others think I should be.
Hugs, CorrineHi Katie, yes I am in full agreement there. I had hoped that as empathetic as my wife was at the beginning, it only took a few days for her to do a 180 when she realized all the time, effort, and attention I spent on my feminine side over the years, and what I didn’t give to her and our daughter.
I offered for my wife to sit in on a session with my gender therapist, because I felt like my wife resented what the therapist might have been telling me. I was the one to accept being transgender, the therapist just confirmed what she’d observed from our discussions, and it was up to me to do what was best. My wife has yet to join.
I’d like to say I think your wife will reconsider. She may, but the relationship is changed forever and you both will have to figure out what you each have to do to protect yourselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean divorce, but if she deosn’t have a side of her open to “exploration” (as my wife doesn’t, nor do I yet, I don’t believe) already, it won’t suddenly be there.
I’m here for you anytime you need. If you want to email or chat one-on-one, PM me and we can share contact info. Take care of yourself! This isn’t something you have done wrong or can just change. I know – I couldn’t either, but I wish I could have.
Hugs,
Brie
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