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I’d like to share my coming out story and tell everybody how and why I decided to finally transition.
I guess I should start out with when I felt I was different. It was Batgirl and The Little Mermaid that really made me question things. I was born May 21, 1989. I grew up loving comic books and superheroes. Through the magic of the internet I have pieced together the age I was when I felt different because I was too young to remember my exact age. I remember the very first time Batgirl appeared on Batman: The Animated Series. I remember it wasn’t a rerun it was the first airing. I found out the original air date was September 13, 1993 which would make me 4 years old. I thought she was so beautiful and heroic and just amazing. I loved Batman but I never wanted to be him. I wanted to be Batgirl. I would secretly pretend to be her. I’d wish I had long hair like her. Also when I was young I loved The Little Mermaid animated series. It aired from 1992-1994 which would make me 3-5 years old. I again wished I had her long hair. She wished she could live on the surface but couldn’t. And deep down without even knowing it I was identifying with her. I too wanted something I thought I could never have. I wanted to be a girl. I remember being 6 with tears streaming down my face praying to God to make me a girl.
I created a fake persona for myself after seeing and hearing from some family and kids at school that the things I liked I shouldn’t like being a boy and all. I really perfected this persona once I got to high school. I took all my feminine feelings and buried them and suppressed them and just denied them. I developed what I call extreme paranoid logic rules and guild lines for myself. I wouldn’t walk down or even look at the shampoo aisle at Wal-Mart because there are more varieties of shampoo for women plus women smell good therefor if I even look at that aisle people will begin to expect that I want to be a girl. I was nearly 30 years old before I’d go near the Barbie doll aisle. When I was about 17 I couldn’t take it anymore and almost came out but I just couldn’t because I was terrified of what my dad would say or do. He didn’t like anyone who was different than him and would make fun of them always. I told myself my feminine feelings were false and I was just feeling them because I never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl or held one’s hand or even talked to one. And not by choice either. I was always scared to talk to girls. All the kids called me gay because of that I guess. I mean I didn’t do anything to warrant being called that. I finally got a girlfriend when I was 20 and we soon got married and I buried those feelings even deeper. A few years into my marriage those feelings resurfaced and I almost came out but I was too worried I’d lose my wife so I didn’t and just went into more denial. We had a child and later divorced for unrelated reasons 4 or so years ago.
At the end of 2018 I found some of my ex wife’s clothes that she had left at my house when she moved out. Something came over me and I just had to see what it was like so I put them on and an indescribable feeling came over me. A feeling I can only describe as rightness. I felt like I was going to cry because I finally felt right. I finally felt like me for the first time.
Over the past 7 years my whole family has died. My dad, uncles, grandparents, everyone except my mom. It’s sad but I think being alone in the sense of being single for so many years and having no family made me feel comfortable enough to finally except my feelings after nearly 30 years. January 3, 2019 I said “It’s a new year and I’m going to be 30 in a few months and I can’t go the rest of my life thinking what if or I wish I have to do it”. So I told my therapist (I’ve been seeing different ones for 10 years) I think that I am the wrong gender. It was the first time I told anyone and the first time I said it out loud and then suddenly it all became real. That night I wrote a letter to my mom and ex wife (we remained close due to our child) that told them everything and that I wanted to transition. They both texted me and said it’s OK and they will always accept me and just want me to be happy. I came out to my 2 good friends just the other day and they are more than accepting and supportive.
I’m still transitioning and still live as male part of the time. My birthday was a few weeks ago and my mom gave me a daughter card. I cried for 5 straight minutes. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Sometimes I feel bad because so many other trans people have little to no acceptance and support and I have so much. I am truly grateful.
I’ll talk about how I chose my name in another post if anyone’s interested.
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