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Hi! I am a 23 year old man that potentially suffers from gender dysphoria. I’m not entirely sure if it is gender based or whether it’s something else, as I’ve read lots of other MTF stories and thoughts and don’t entirely relate to them. They would always mention that they constantly felt at odds with their physical attributes and the social implications of their born gender, often making a point that everything about being a man felt wrong. Whereas in my own experience it is not constant and I don’t hate everything about being a man. I do enjoy some typically ‘masculine’ pass-times and enjoy hanging out with guys.
However there’s always been this aspect of me that makes me feel awful for being masculine, for being a man. When I look back, its always been there. As a kid I enjoyed playing football (soccer) and hanging out with the boys, but I also had a lot of female friends and sort of preferred their company and the games we used to play. Over all I would spend more time with the girls outside of school. Playing with baby dolls pretending to be mums or dressing up us princesses or doing fashion shows. I suppose I was pretty lucky my friends were understanding enough to let me play with them and not thing I was weird. I just thought it was relatively normal until puberty hit. It was then I realised the difference. I acted more like a girl than a traditional boy, everything from my mannerisms, personality, voice and even my hygiene. People started to assume I that I must have been gay because this. Which wasn’t the case and didn’t really bother me so much at school. But if my family found out, I would be basically be disowned.
I still had guy friends and did all same things I did before with them, but I was different. I put it down to hanging around with the girls for too long. And around the age of 14-15, made a decision to cut everything female related in my life. I still talk to girls, but not in the same way as before. It would be either in a general or flirty sense, as apposed to girly best friend like before. I focused on embracing my masculinity and becoming a man, which worked for a while. In fact, this probably worked for a round 3-4 years quite effectively. I would still have blips here and there, but nothing significant. I started partying and drinking with friends, having girlfriends and a few 1 night stands, played football for a local team, took up boxing for a little. Life was good! I eventually settled down into a more serious relationship and began to move on with my life.
Then maybe a couple of years ago, it came back. That feeling I had suppressed for so long had come back, and in a big way. I was all over the place for around 6 months. I was either really depressed or angry. I started having to find outlets for it again for the first time in years, I shaved my body and face because I developed a hatred of my body and facial hair. I would look a women and get jealous because of the way that they looked or because of what they were wearing. I started playing video games with female characters, gaining a sense of relief in imaging I was that character. The excessive feminine hygiene schedule started again; previously mentioned hair removal, growing out and styling my hair, clipping and shaping my nails and even sometimes painting them, the odd light application of make up and even sometimes wearing an inconspicuous pair of jeans or a top from my girlfriends wardrobe.
Things eventually calmed down a bit, but since then I just haven’t been able to shake it the way I did in my teens. As I’ve said, I don’t hate every aspect of being a man and sometimes I don’t noticeable hate any aspect of it. And I think that its nothing, because a transgender person surely wouldn’t feel this way. But other times I feel completely trapped.
Either way I decided a long time ago that if I was transgender, I’d never come out or transition, as I would loose too much in my personal life. But maybe if I could get some advice and understand it a bit better, I can learn to live with it.
Sorry for the massively long story, but if anyone has any advice or suggestions on what to do it would be very appreciated, thank you.
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I’m sitting here wishing I was, say, 23 right around now so I could have the rest of my life to look forward to being my correct gender instead of trying to get there in my late 50s. My personal experience was it got harder to fight the older I got.
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My story is much the same. Only I’m born female. But from a small child I knew i was different I was a tomboy then and still am, I played lot of sports fought with boys for the right to play often told your a girl get lost. My nic back then was sport a name my grandfather called me. And I like it. I was never a bully but I got into lot of fights protecting the ones who need protecting from bullies. Witch earned me the name scrapper this i didn’t like to much, because it made me feel like kids saw me as a bully. Funny thing is years later, I found so many people form old school days, who have made comments to me on face book, Hey I remember you man you were awesome never took sh”t form anyone all ways looking out for the little ones. I know all that doesn’t make me trans male, Just saying, I knew back than I was more male then female. So all you wonderful people there is hope and love for everyone HUGS to all. OH got distracted. I am dealing with dysphoria, its been a battle in me for years with no fault of my own I’ve had to struggle with it not knowing just what it was till recently. I am now getting help.
Jace
I just read my life story in your story, it’s uncanny! I mean very, very similar experiences and feelings. It’s like a flashback of my life. You’re not alone. I think there are many people who feel exactly how you do, and have experienced exactly the same things. Unfortunately for myself, I don’t have the answers, from what I’ve learned though, it’s not fake, it’s very real. I believe the trick is to determine how important it is to your life and happiness. That’s why talking a lot about it with a qualified and experienced counsellor is so important, if just to get the nagging questions off your chest. I’ve found that the answer is not out there, it’s within you, but it’s a box that has to be opened and looked deep into, to see what’s in there. And it helps to have a guide. It seems many people live a life of quiet desperation and then, when it’s too late, they look back with regret. It’s your life, you have one. Make it a happy one, but don’t let other people’s opinions or expectations of you prevent you from being the person you feel comfortable and happy being. Do a lot of research and talk to a lot of people. “And this, above all else, to thine own self be true!”
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Dear E H,
Welcome here, and thanks for sharing. I know you’ve said that the stories of other trans people don’t seem very close to yours. But to be honest, I read much of what you wrote and said “that’s me!”
Like this “However there’s always been this aspect of me that makes me feel awful for being masculine, for being a man. When I look back, its always been there.” That does sound like gender dysphoria. Especially if it”s “always” there.
And “I also had a lot of female friends and sort of preferred their company and the games we used to play. Over all I would spend more time with the girls outside of school. Playing with baby dolls pretending to be mums or dressing up us princesses or doing fashion shows. I suppose I was pretty lucky my friends were understanding enough to let me play with them and not thing I was weird. I just thought it was relatively normal until puberty hit. It was then I realised the difference. I acted more like a girl than a traditional boy, everything from my mannerisms, personality, voice and even my hygiene. People started to assume I that I must have been gay because this. Which wasn’t the case and didn’t really bother me so much at school. But if my family found out, I would be basically be disowned.” You’ve just described my life from age 5 to 15. It’s spooky.
Having said that, it’s true that loads of young boys go through a period of rather feminine behaviour and playing mostly with girls. They don’t all end up trans, but a lot of them find they are “different” in other ways at puberty and beyond. They might be gay or bi, or like fem Dom fantasy, or like to cross-dress sometimes. All of these can create difficulty for a boy accepting himself or induce feelings of guilt and fear. They will leave most boys questioning their masculinity to some extent.
Here’s a little test. Close your eyes and imagine yourself and your body as you’d really like to be. If it helps, imagine a genie appears and can make you however you wish… what do you wish for? Are you a woman in this vision? Is she a pretty woman? If so, then you are going to pass through life comparing your actual body to this vision of how you’d like it to be, notice there is a very big difference, and feel really unhappy about it. That’s gender dysphoria.
If your ideal vision is as a more masculine kind of man than you feel yourself to be (taller, stronger, fitter, straighter, more popular, higher status with other men, gets loads of girlfriends etc) then you don’t have gender dysphoria as such. But you might still have dysphoria of a different sort.
Hope that helps you xxx
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My advice is dont wait as long as I did to work through your challenges. I waited until now to deal with my gender identity. I grew up much like you. Playing the male role. I played sports hung out with my guy friends all the while hiding that I wore women’s clothes. I never hated being male but I always felt something wS off, wrong. Shame and guilt kept me from confronting my issues. In retrospect I now know that I had so many very good friends that were girls is because I could relate better with them. They would tell me I’m not like the other boys. I thought I was being a nice guy. I5 was always the woman inside me. Now that I’ve accepted that I am a trans woman my challenge is more difficult. I have to come out to my wife and family.
Angela
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Thank you everyone for the advice! Its a lot to deal with emotionally after suppressing these feelings for so long, and I honestly wasn’t expecting any responses to this post. But your replies have been so helpful and the support means a lot to me. I think I need to take some time before and figure out where to go from here. Maybe looking into a gender therapist as Brenda suggested. Hearing all of your stories has really helped me to put my own in better context.
Thank you so much ladies x
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Hi Hon,
everyone’s experience is different and there’s not one single way to define it your transgender. In many ways you sound like me.! As a very young child I told my parents that I was really a girl, not fully understanding what was growing between my legs. They scolded me for wearing a dress and I forgot about it for some years. Around puberty I began crossdressing, not for sexual thrills but because I liked it and felt comfortable. Often, I felt shame and embarrassment after I cross dressed so I eventually vowed to stop and be a man and it worked for about 20 years. Then, Bam!! My girlie feelings returned with a vengeance consuming my very being. Never in my life was I so aware of my feelings and what I needed to do. Now, one year later I am on the road to transitioning, I have been on HRT for 8 months, and live 24/7 as a woman , and I am so much happier. You have gotten some great advice from the Marie’s here but only you know for sure. One thing, don’t stereotype male/female roles in life. Lots of woman never played with rolls as a kid and you don’t have to play baseball to be a boy. There are lots of different kinds of people in this world with lots of different interests. Go see a “Gender Therapist” and discuss how you feel and don’t wait until your my age to deal with it. How I wish I had the support that you have today. And, there is nothing wrong with feeling as you do so screw anybody that tells you it’s wrong. Good Luck!!!!
Hugs, Breanna
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Hello E.H.! It’s true that the down side of being good at a number of things is that it can make it difficult for us to choose the one which is right for us. I wonder if you have tried going “en femme” for a while to see how that may suit you and how comfortable you feel (bearing in mind that you will be uncomfortable and embarrassed at first with an overblown fear of being “outed”). Perhaps you may find that you’re best suited for part-time cross-dressing than for full-time transition. I would caution that, if you chose to inhabit your male identity, you would need to share your “Two-spirited” nature with your potential SO upfront. Understanding spouses are rare to find and many (like my first and second wives) will either immediately take off or they will hold it against you like a gun to the head. My personal experience and observation also tells me that this never goes away and tends to become larger in our later years, until it explodes out of the tiny space where we thought it was safely contained. At that point in our lives, between family, children, friends, colleagues and a job, we have a lot to lose and it is more difficult to start over. So don’t expect this to ever go away. My advice is, the earlier you deal with this, the better. But my advice cannot compare to that of a professional counselor experienced with these issues, which you should consider. It’s not an easy path, but it is yours and you must embrace it wherever it leads. Above all, please never lose hope or underestimate the important and unique contribution you can make in this wonderful, diverse, confused and ever-changing world where everything is possible. Big hugs, Annie
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Elegant and constructive, Annie. Thank you for that.
Steph xo
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Your story is very familiar to me, very much mirroring my own experience. I have my guy life, which I very much enjoy, and I have my female/feminine side, which I can truly appreciate now.
The term that rings true to my ear, used by Native Americans, is Two-Spirited. In some tribes, this was highly regarded and valued, for it’s greater insight into and understanding of human nature.
Personally, I don’t feel the need to choose one or the other with any finality. That is social pressure talking. I need to be patient, understanding and accepting that this is simply the way I am made.
Some people I am open about it with, and others who won’t get it, I simply say nothing. It’s really none of their business, and nothing I could say, no matter how reasonably, will change their attitude.
I don’t know if this helps, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in these experiences, confusion and struggles. I would suggest looking around the site, see what you might get out of it.
Cheers, Love and Light,
Stephanie xo
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