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Hi! I am a 23 year old man that potentially suffers from gender dysphoria. I’m not entirely sure if it is gender based or whether it’s something else, as I’ve read lots of other MTF stories and thoughts and don’t entirely relate to them. They would always mention that they constantly felt at odds with their physical attributes and the social implications of their born gender, often making a point that everything about being a man felt wrong. Whereas in my own experience it is not constant and I don’t hate everything about being a man. I do enjoy some typically ‘masculine’ pass-times and enjoy hanging out with guys.
However there’s always been this aspect of me that makes me feel awful for being masculine, for being a man. When I look back, its always been there. As a kid I enjoyed playing football (soccer) and hanging out with the boys, but I also had a lot of female friends and sort of preferred their company and the games we used to play. Over all I would spend more time with the girls outside of school. Playing with baby dolls pretending to be mums or dressing up us princesses or doing fashion shows. I suppose I was pretty lucky my friends were understanding enough to let me play with them and not thing I was weird. I just thought it was relatively normal until puberty hit. It was then I realised the difference. I acted more like a girl than a traditional boy, everything from my mannerisms, personality, voice and even my hygiene. People started to assume I that I must have been gay because this. Which wasn’t the case and didn’t really bother me so much at school. But if my family found out, I would be basically be disowned.
I still had guy friends and did all same things I did before with them, but I was different. I put it down to hanging around with the girls for too long. And around the age of 14-15, made a decision to cut everything female related in my life. I still talk to girls, but not in the same way as before. It would be either in a general or flirty sense, as apposed to girly best friend like before. I focused on embracing my masculinity and becoming a man, which worked for a while. In fact, this probably worked for a round 3-4 years quite effectively. I would still have blips here and there, but nothing significant. I started partying and drinking with friends, having girlfriends and a few 1 night stands, played football for a local team, took up boxing for a little. Life was good! I eventually settled down into a more serious relationship and began to move on with my life.
Then maybe a couple of years ago, it came back. That feeling I had suppressed for so long had come back, and in a big way. I was all over the place for around 6 months. I was either really depressed or angry. I started having to find outlets for it again for the first time in years, I shaved my body and face because I developed a hatred of my body and facial hair. I would look a women and get jealous because of the way that they looked or because of what they were wearing. I started playing video games with female characters, gaining a sense of relief in imaging I was that character. The excessive feminine hygiene schedule started again; previously mentioned hair removal, growing out and styling my hair, clipping and shaping my nails and even sometimes painting them, the odd light application of make up and even sometimes wearing an inconspicuous pair of jeans or a top from my girlfriends wardrobe.
Things eventually calmed down a bit, but since then I just haven’t been able to shake it the way I did in my teens. As I’ve said, I don’t hate every aspect of being a man and sometimes I don’t noticeable hate any aspect of it. And I think that its nothing, because a transgender person surely wouldn’t feel this way. But other times I feel completely trapped.
Either way I decided a long time ago that if I was transgender, I’d never come out or transition, as I would loose too much in my personal life. But maybe if I could get some advice and understand it a bit better, I can learn to live with it.
Sorry for the massively long story, but if anyone has any advice or suggestions on what to do it would be very appreciated, thank you.
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