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There was a time in early grade school when I looked in a mirror and saw a woman looking back at me. I looked closely in shock and stared, but she did not leave. From that point on I became an observer in this world, not understanding how I fit in. I would watch others and I would try to adapt. Despite my effort there were not many times in my life that I truly felt I belonged where I was, and I can pretty honestly say that even the times I did fit in I was not being authentic to myself. I dwelled in the worlds of family, straight vanilla friends, gay and gender bending communities and BDSM relationships as a submissive to women. Through this all the woman was inside of me, but she was so scared to show her face. I felt like a ghost. I was a simple flesh costume walking through a world that I did not belong in.
This was a lifelong journey that had severely traumatized me. I knew I suffered as hard as anyone with PTSD yet I could not pinpoint an event. I was in denial and hiding the real issue. Dennis was a facade and inside me was a woman that wanted to come out. I would not and could not accept that. Yet I would enter worlds and try to open myself to people in hopes my inner self would be exposed, but it never happened. The transgender women I would encounter throughout my life were so accepting and caring to me. I suppose I was regarded as an empathetic and kind spirit who liked some similar activities, but I would not let out my secret. My mind would not let me from the experiences I had through life.
I can look back on my life now and see that I opened up every opportunity I could think of to be the woman I should be but I held back and developed very early on what I now know to be a bad case of gender dysphoria. I look in a mirror now and still I do not see the person I am except through my eyes, the rest is just a show. I have most likely heard the term gender dysphoria before given my life, but for the life of me I can not recall hearing it. I stumbled on it the other day while doing a search on body issues and self-perception. I saw the brief description which prompted me to look at what it really meant. I hit every checkmark on the list and was blown away. I saw just about every action of my life explained. My entire life has been a reaction to the woman I am inside and the body I was handed in this world.
Today I began looking back on the past year of my life. It is as if my subconscious saw yet other openings to let me be the woman I am. There is a clear progression of occurrences that happened from decisions I had made. This all led to this point and I must seize the day. I can no longer live in a prison cell. I know this is the beginning of an incredibly challenging and difficulty journey, but I have already gone through one war and have come out victorious. I can not hide anymore. I am going to let the woman I am out of her cell and set her free. That woman I saw in the mirror as a child never left. I am that woman. Anyone who does not like it better step out of my way, because I am ready to fly.
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