One Journey Ends and Another Begins

[Danika]

There was a time in early grade school when I looked in a mirror and saw a woman looking back at me. I looked closely in shock and stared, but she did not leave. From that point on I became an observer in this world, not understanding how I fit in. I would watch others and I would try to adapt. Despite my effort there were not many times in my life that I truly felt I belonged where I was, and I can pretty honestly say that even the times I did fit in I was not being authentic to myself. I dwelled in the worlds of family, straight vanilla friends, gay and gender bending communities and BDSM relationships as a submissive to women. Through this all the woman was inside of me, but she was so scared to show her face. I felt like a ghost. I was a simple flesh costume walking through a world that I did not belong in.

This was a lifelong journey that had severely traumatized me. I knew I suffered as hard as anyone with PTSD yet I could not pinpoint an event. I was in denial and hiding the real issue. Dennis was a facade and inside me was a woman that wanted to come out. I would not and could not accept that. Yet I would enter worlds and try to open myself to people in hopes my inner self would be exposed, but it never happened. The transgender women I would encounter throughout my life were so accepting and caring to me. I suppose I was regarded as an empathetic and kind spirit who liked some similar activities, but I would not let out my secret. My mind would not let me from the experiences I had through life.

I can look back on my life now and see that I opened up every opportunity I could think of to be the woman I should be but I held back and developed very early on what I now know to be a bad case of gender dysphoria. I look in a mirror now and still I do not see the person I am except through my eyes, the rest is just a show. I have most likely heard the term gender dysphoria before given my life, but for the life of me I can not recall hearing it. I stumbled on it the other day while doing a search on body issues and self-perception. I saw the brief description which prompted me to look at what it really meant. I hit every checkmark on the list and was blown away. I saw just about every action of my life explained. My entire life has been a reaction to the woman I am inside and the body I was handed in this world.

Today I began looking back on the past year of my life. It is as if my subconscious saw yet other openings to let me be the woman I am. There is a clear progression of occurrences that happened from decisions I had made. This all led to this point and I must seize the day. I can no longer live in a prison cell. I know this is the beginning of an incredibly challenging and difficulty journey, but I have already gone through one war and have come out victorious. I can not hide anymore. I am going to let the woman I am out of her cell and set her free. That woman I saw in the mirror as a child never left. I am that woman. Anyone who does not like it better step out of my way, because I am ready to fly.

 

 

[DeeAnn Hopings]

In any journey, the important thing is progress. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the progress is rapid or even linear as sometimes it may be swift but other times it may be almost imperceptible. But, when you look back, you can see that you were “There” before but you are “Here” now. Appreciating that fact provides fuel for the future…

[Author]

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