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I’ve read many posts about ladies having “second thoughts” about her lifestyle or transition path; and as a result throwing out hundreds – or even thousands – of dollars worth of beautiful clothes, makeup and accessories…only to IMMEDIATELY regret the decision and begin anew. My question is: is this something that every girl does at some point in her life? Is it a necessary – albeit DIFFICULT – life lesson in helping to define who we are to ourselves – with the lesson ultimately being that purging the physical things doesn’t purge who we really are?
Your thoughts and opinions would be very interesting to me.
Hugs!
Shawna
I’ve come close, a couple of times, Shawna– but my wife beat me to it. This was back when I had very few items of feminine attire– mostly lingerie. I know that she was trying to get rid of me (Dawn) for the sake of the marriage, but I don’t think the purging had an impact, one way or the other except that I got resentful of her. Why should she get to be the only one, in our relationship, to be pretty & express her femininity? Now, I have more clothes, shoes, (makeup) etc. than my wife & my male persona put together. And I’ll be darned if I’m going to dump any of it.
Look I may not be a regular member. My home is Crossdresser Heaven. But as a CD I spent many times shopping then guilt hits and then I’m purging everything.
I think it was my way of coming of coming to terms and battle many years of guilt.
I come to you as a crossdresser that been fully open since about the age of 30. I not going tell my age now, because a lady never tells their age. But I’ll you this I’m no spring chicken any more.
And my purging days are long gone and in the past. Now I have the problem of owning too much.
I’m Hippie Here and I’m Hippie on CD Heaven
Purging happens because people think that Out Of Sight = Out Of Mind, but it doesn’t. MANY have said that the feeling/urge comes back worse than before, so there is no net gain; only a new loss of $$, €€, ££ or whatever…
For the record, over 8 years, I have never purged…
I don’t know that purging is ‘necessary’ – it is common though and I know I’ve done it on several occasions.
The odd thing is, I don’t really know why? I mean, I told myself it was to avoid any possibility of getting ‘outed’ when I really had to have people in my flat while in ‘male mode’. But, in reality, I could have easily sequestered my stuff where folks wouldn’t have seen them and it wasn’t as if they were going to conduct a forensic search of my home!
All I do know is that I usually only lasted a day or so before I started building up my collection of lingerie once more and after that a steady stream of clothes and make-up would find their way to me.
I guess Shawna’s last point might be true – in the end, the cost of replacing the items and the sadness it brought me in those periods when they were gone really stopped the purging and made me accept living as woman wasn’t something I had any real control over. I guess, many years later and in a slightly different stage of life, I’m learning that lesson all over again.
Thank you for a thought provoking question.
Rachel x
Maybe we purge because we find ourselves in the wrong situation to take our dressing/transition to the next level. When I was younger and I purged it was usually because something made me feel guilty about dressing in private as the real me. Possibly I heard a person of authority talking about how men dressing in women’s clothing were perverted. Or possibly because a significant other came to close to finding my cache of female clothing.
Gender dysphoria became so strong at the age of 60 that I was forced to come out to my family for the sake of my sanity. After that I chose to never purge again.
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I never ‘purged’ in the traditional sense because I didn’t start my journey ‘crossing’. What DID happen though, was/is that every milestone I make in my physical transition, the more of my ‘male’ wardrobe gets purged. I’m pretty much full-time femme nowadays and only have a small fraction of my ‘boy’ clothes left. It’s a huge liberating feeling to let those old jeans and shirts go to make room for cute new things…
Hi ladies , i purged once and hated i did that ever since , and i will never do it again . Like said here only some male stuff , not leslie’s things , she would get very mad at him . By the way , him is getting weaker all the time , its Leslie’s life now , stand back and here her purr . Love to all and lets live to the fullest and happy Thanks Giving girls . Leslie
The only purge I did when I started transitioning was getting rid of my “guy things”. I have never looked back.
I feel zero impulse to ever present as male again.
Now, I have culled my closet a few times to clear out stuff that didn’t fit me well or were early poor choices in style or color. But I don’t think that’s the same thing.
I did have some nice well worn button down guy shirts with great patterns that looked good on me en femme. I’ll confess that I regret getting rid of a few of them.
Thank you all for sharing your responses to this question. Reading your replies has left me feeling a sense of empowerment. I’ve never considered purging any of Autumn’s clothing. I began purchasing clothing for her online and have never looked back. For me, it has always felt really good to buy the type of clothing I’ve wanted to wear for so long. It feels even better when I put it on. This past year I purchased more items for Autumn than ever before, and I know that this trend will continue into the new year. One of the gifts I bought for Autumn for Christmas was a pendant consisting of three different colored maple leaves bunched together on a long gold chain. I came across it while shopping for jewelry and knew I had to have it. When I put it on…I can’t describe it. How good I feel being myself, what that piece of jewelry represents for me and who I really am in my heart. I love it so much that when I go to bed, I hang it from a thumbtack holding a small poster of Freddie Mercury on the wall right next to where I sleep. Freddie is sitting on a ladder, and the caption reads, “Be Yourself. No matter what people say.” The multicolored maple leaves hang to the right of Freddie and the caption. I glance at it as I drift off the sleep, and when I wake up I look over at that symbol and smile. The symbol of Autumn. Who I really am in my heart.
I don’t know that purging is necessary, but it is probably common. I base that on my own experience as a CD (I purged twice. Fortunately, both purges were done early on, before I had accumulated much in the way of feminine clothes, shoes and accessories.) and comments from many others who also purged at one time or another.
Hello everyone, to purge or not to purge that is a question that most of us had? But why?
Personally I think it stems from shame or at least mine was from that. Shame of not fitting in? Shame of not being a manly man? Shame of criticism? All these and more. But what stems the shame? My guess again is fear, because with out fear there can be no shame.
Now I have also purged lots of things and not all related to my female self. I actually purged all my Role Playing stuff in an attempt to move into the real world, but was it shame? Maybe a little as I really knew I needed to grow up. But did it work? Not really as I still play games with the kids and sometimes think longingly of my old roleplaying days. But why??? Maybe a regret or guilt from the loss of so much of self and things? But why be guilty? Is fear once again at the root? Fearful on giving up on one’s self, dreams, etc?
Can it be that fear is my issue? Your’s as well? But how to get past the fears? or to remove them? We all know fear is sometimes useful. The person who was not afraid of a gunman never lived to tell the tale. Should we even get past them? I recall the old StarTrek movie where Spock’s brother brain washes people by removing fear and pain of one’s past. Of course Kirk saves the day by needing his pain and fear as it make’s him who he is?
Fear it self seems to have power when it involves trauma. Any PTSD person can tell you this. There are some ways to cope with PTSD, the eye thing, drinking, maybe cognitive therapy, even the crazy Scientologists might have the cure. Could the same help people like me who has shame based fear? Personally I am a bit crazy and believe Qi Gong and witchcraft hold my answers. But who really knows and I am sure there are as many answers as there are people in the world.
Well that s my rambling thoughts for the day.
Miriya
Hi everyone,
Purging, I can’t count the number of times I have purged, because my wife would find my sash or
catch me in a pair of panties. I did it to save my marriage, and then I would hate myself even more then
did already. I move and play being happy, and I happy in my life, at least with my wife and kids, not
realizing how unhappy I was with me. I played this game a lot of years to many until late 2019, and that is long story for another time. But to answer the question I purged a lot of time and came regret it every time.
Love and hugs
Timmie
This is a good question. I’m not sure if it is a necessary stage, but I’ve done it a couple of times. I think I mainly did it because I believed “it was just a mid-life stage” I was going through. Well, I was wrong in that assumption, and maybe that was something I had to do to get where I’m at now. I’m seeing a therapist who is helping me with these issues.
There are so many good replies to this query!
I think that “Purging” happens, whether it is because of shame, fear, denial or even a thoughtless act of loyalty. In happening, “Purge” highlights a problem or is a sign of the big transformation to come.
In early forms of medicine, taking care of toxic conditions associated with digestive stagnation or ingestion of “bad” food was often in the form of purgatives (they make you force it out one end or another). In our transformations, including our unfolding of our truer selves and that gender form, I think it is those moments of reaction to pain, fear or what have you that we reject or throw away a symbol of ourselves or our feelings in hopes that disassociating with it will make the uncomfortable or even traumatizing things stop. When it becomes clear that it no longer works, we mourn or regret hurting ourselves in that way and appreciate the innocence and beauty that those things really represented. Perhaps, sometimes those things weren’t fitting but we attached a meaning to them, all the same, and it took panicking and tossing them out before we could find a better suited medium to takes it’s place.
Perhaps this is why “Purging” is needed. Perhaps we let go to be shown our truer selves and the things that may symbolize more accurately our happiness.The answers in this thread really make me think. I have purged 3 times if you don’t count the first, where sadly my wife stumbled across my somewhat limited wardrobe. For me I think each time I have purged, my urge to replace what I have lost has just become stronger. BTW I have always used clothes banks, which somehow makes me feel better knowing that the clothes I am losing are going to benefit someone else. I wonder if the increased desire and urgency to replace what I have lost is in fact confirmation that I need to move forward and begin a more permanent life as my female self??
ive purged i think2 times i did it just before meeting my future wife when i came out to her she asked me what happened to my fem wordrobe and stuff i told hrt i got rid of everything she said that i should not have done that then started getting fem stuff for me.the second time was after she passed away front leukemia. i lost my mind and everything i owned i so regret it.
Necessary? Absolutely not. I have never purged which is why Narnia(aka Cyn’s boutique,aka my wadrobe) is so extensive. but is purging commonplace? Absolutely yes.
CynYay Cyn (and Dee)! I was beginning to think I was all alone, I’ve never purged either. Probably two things in my favor:
1) I knew who I was early on, just not what I could/would do about it
2) I came out to my future wife a few months into dating in my early twenties, so nothing to hide from the only person I cared about.
Note that not purging hasn’t exactly helped anything but my wallet. Still struggle with the what I’m doing about it part. Certainly would have helped to pare down my closet and hide the poor fashion choices in the past, my only real source of shame. 😉
Kate:
I’m a retired engineer and I often consider things in terms of cause and effect and what is really going on. If I had purged at some point, it would provide an interesting data point to learn how quickly and strongly the desire came back. That would be an important piece of information considering the underlying idea was to distance one’s self from the desire to dress.
You can run, but obviously, you cannot hide…
I have purged twice, like many here, and regretted it. The reasons were out of fear that family would find those clothes and it would confirm, in their mind, I am gay. I’m cis, but in the 70’s and 80’s, there was only gay and straight. Every time they threatened to abandon me if I came home gay I knew I must not be faking masculinity well enough. My kindergarten teacher decided it would be a good idea to mention my gender dysphoria issues to my mother, so thanks to that teacher, I am enduring a lifetime of skepticism from my parents that I am still not prepared to turn into a certainty. My father is more assertive against transgenders than ever these days, making me withdraw even deeper. I love him too much to lose him over something that shouldn’t even be an issue. I don’t plan to purge again, though; just pack things up out-of-sight for a while if necessary.
Danielle,
So many similarities in our stories. The 70’s and the 80’s were not progressive thinking years. I was born in 1952, and by 1957 my father regularly taunted me as a mommies-boy. Maybe my kindergarten teacher told my parents I was girl-like, because I was, and only played with the girls. Very early on my mother started protecting me from my father; which I am not sure helped very much. My brothers and sisters taking my fathers lead shunned me, taunted me, and literally never played with me.
I best decision I made at the time was to avoid my father. He was fresh back from WWII shortly before my birth, and he held daily line-up inspections of the 6 kids. He was a decorated war hero, and spent a winter behind enemy lines in the Ardennes. I came to understand that he was as broken as anyone and had serious PTSD.
Early on I had to stop looking to both my mother & father for any type of validation. I turned 18 and was in the military 2 weeks later; this was my first big purge. I purged every family member from my life for many years to come. Over the years I have on several occasions purged friends and residence by performing a snap-move. Overnight I would be in another city and / or state, never to seriously look back. This would usually happen following a “discovered” event, one that spread through my community. With regular social interactions, like at a gas station, becomes a demonstration of disapproval of me…SNAP-MOVE!!
The military was surprisingly nice. I was stationed overseas during Vietnam, and while on station lived out of a foot locker. My bunk, my locker, a gun rack, and a ruck sack: no girls clothes in there. I didn’t try to hide girls clothes, but I never could hide that I was girl-like in nature. But that wasn’t the nice part: the nice part was 30 days paid vacation a year. I would save up my time and money and go somewhere, usually tropical. Hawaii was a great place to get girled up, so is the Caribbean. Once I spent most of a month in a hippie commune on the Big Island in Hawaii. GIRL…GIRL… I GAVE IT SUCH A WHIRL!! That was in 1973. This time and every time before and after: out went all the clothes, sometimes just a few pairs of panties and a skirt or two, but sometimes some really nice stuff.
After Vietnam I went to college and joined ROTC. I had the GI bill, but college was expensive even back then. Over the years of undergrad, graduate, and medical school I had a few friends that didn’t understand, but were tolerant. I always asked them for girl’s cloths or make-up for any present they gave me. With time these things would also be purged.
I left ROTC, graduated from medical school, got married, and re-entered active duty as a Captain (O-3) all in one month. Now is 33 years later. I maybe had three pairs of panties all during that time; which eventually were purged, not out of fear of discovery, but I just wore them out! Panties: the closeted girl’s go-to garment. Again as in Vietnam, I couldn’t really not have a girl like personality; but I always really liked that part of me. My wife withdrew from me. She called me a pervert. She scheduled sex with me on a calendar. For three years I was allowed to have sex on Wednesdays at 3 PM. Years later; that was more sex then I have had since. On multiple occasions I tried to purge my wife: when I got back 1997 after a year in Bosnia; I threatened her with a divorce if she didn’t get a job, she got a job. When I returned in 2004 from a year playing Iraqi-Freedom, I asked for a divorce. I never realized how hard it is for a medical professional to purge a wife.
PURGING: I have purged so many things; friends, family, home-towns, jobs, whole communities, even furniture if it starts to carry sadness as part of what it experienced with me.
I came out in 2019. I only purged once since then, and that was because the clothes weren’t what I wanted any more; So I brought all new clothes right away: That was the most beautiful purge of my life.
Now I spend too much money on clothes. Interestingly enough: when I came out, I came out like a rocket ship. I hid my Transgender-woman status for less then one month prior to coming out. I then came out to my wife, put on my prettiest girls clothes and visited all my neighbors, all my local stores and gas stations, my favorite bars & restaurants, the bike shop where our bikes are repaired; introducing myself as Lukcia every time. NO MORE PURGING!!! I no longer feel a need to purge my wife; but that’s OK, she is soon to purge me!
So, purge forum participants: EMBRACE THE PURGE!
How about: MAY THE PURGE BE WITH YOU!
I have come a long way from “Fear Purging”, through “Social rejection purging”, all the way to “I need new clothes purging”
I really enjoyed writing all of this to you. These forums make me think about who I am and how I got here. I often feel like I stepped into being Lukcia a little bit more after I share something of myself.
LOVE
Lukcia Patricia SullivanHi,
Lukcia again. My earlier post is from June the 8th. On June the 10th my wife purged me.
She got a lawyer, a mediator, and a list of what stuff is hers when she leaves.
She informed me that she didn’t have time right now to divorce me, but to consider us divorced.
Do you know what I did?… I cooked her a fabulous dinner; Mediterranean Lamb Shanks with eggplant tajine.
She can’t live with Lukcia, and I can’t live without Lukcia.
Hi Lukcia
Just read the June 10th post. I hope you are still doing OK and the shock had dissipated a bit. Sometimes Girl you have to seem selfish and put yourself first if you don’t then things break often badly. I’ve been there.
My advice is to come out and embrace Lukcia for as much of the time as you can. The longer you take the more painful it becomes – I’ve heard this and my ‘coming out’ was telling people to going full-time socially in six weeks. Work was longer as the Company had a policy in place so colleagues knew but I presented male until I could present female without looking (and feeling) stupid. Get working on your voice early and it’ll make everything else easier.
Good luck to you girl I don’t regret my change one bit.
Natasha xx
Purging is not necessary. However, for those who have doubts and questions about themselves and what they should or should not do, it can be part of life’s journey.
I voted yes as most I’ve met have done so at least once. A common comment is that they dress as a fetish to masturbate, feel terrible afterwards, purge, replace everything and more, then repeat it.
I sort-of purged once but that was because I’d brought overpriced tat from a well-known cross-dressing store in the UK and nothing fit or looked presentable on me. Then I had a big mental breakdown and I heard Natasha asking to be given a chance. Within a few days I went into a regular store and brought several items after trying them on. I was terrified in the queue to pay, but slightly disappointed when the assistant didn’t bat an eyelid.
Never even thought of purging since.
It is not necessary, but it is extremely common. I’ve fallen in that trap a couple of times, and I regretted it almost instantly. The only thing it really accomplished was to set me back a ton of money replacing everything. On the plus side, I got to update my wardrobe, and find even more clothing, makeup, wigs, lingerie, jewelry, etc. that I could try.
I made a decision after my last purge that I would just get a storage locker and put everything in there if I ever felt like I needed to purge again. That way I can just put everything away for a while and come back to it when I inevitably came to the conclusion that the purge was a bad decision. I lost a lot of stuff in the last purge that I dearly wish I still had- especially some gorgeous dresses I would kill to have back.
Now I have much more then I had then, and it would take winning the lottery to replace everything I have now. Fortunately I am so much more secure in my femininity now that I can’t foresee succumbing to the social pressures that caused me to purge before. I’m actually planning a purge right now, but not the bad kind. I have a ton of clothes that I no longer wear that I need to get rid of to make way for my new clothes. This purge will not be me trying to deny my femininity, but me making room for all the new stuff I’ve bought since embracing my femininity!
Purging was vital for me to have done. It was part of my figuring it out, coming to grips with it, settling my nerve. It was part of my struggle to break out of my stuffy, restrictive cocoon. I had no choice; I had to morph so as to realize my authentic self. Consider that all butterflies must experience transforming from their larvae stage so as to arrive to their authentic beings. So too maybe purging is part of our process to realize one’s fullest, happiest self. …. Hugz, Eva
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I voted ‘yes’ only because what i’ve learned from others that purging is something most who i’ve known did. Me? I purged maybe even 5 times, but that’s me, and i speak for nobody else. i purged and flipped/flopped, yeah, about 5 times.
I voted no because I think that we purge due to several wrong reasons among them: isolation, guilt, shame, fear, loneliness, confusion. I purged several times and I regret it every single one of them sooner or later, from a monetary point of view to some really cool nice clothes that went straight into the dumpster. Being a crossdresser or a transgender (or both) is not something that it will go away, and it is so much part of who we are as individuals that I believe that if I would have had the right kind of partner at the time who would have given me care, love, support, understanding, patience, etc I wouldn’t have purged. In fact, I believe that my journey of self discovery would have been way more natural, less traumatic and probably I would have found myself earlier instead of bouncing around completely lost.
Only one time, just the bras, but this was long ago while I was still crossdressing and didn’t know who I am yet. Regretted it because they were nice bras.
The other way around though, is easy for me. In my early 20s I purged all my male underwear and never looked back. I’m still early in my journey, but in the process of purging much of my previous gender clothes except the cleaner and nicer ones as required. Making room for my real self.
Living cost now is getting higher and higher, it is wasteful to be throwing away nice clothing. At least donate them.
I didnt vote because i think it depends on the circumstance. I personnaly have perged more time than i can count. And it was always because of the constant battle in my own mind about who i am “supposed” to be and how i feel inside and the fear of my secret being reveled. I say it depends becuase there are those who have understanding and supportive people around them and dont feel the need to hide who they are.
Nicely worded question!
Sure, I’ve purged. And purged…
But not for any gender-identity-self-reflection. I mostly purge because it doesn’t fit!! ARGH!!
Also, if I find something better, then I will purge the old stuff and stock up on the new. At my age, I may as well indulge in some fine clothing and accessories! Wolfords are worth every penny, but I draw-the-line just before Christian Louboutin. LOL!!
Barb
P.S., all my purged stuff ends up at Value Village, a thrift store.
Thank you Shawna,
I do not think ‘purging’ is a necessary step but I do believe it is an activity most people in the community has engaged in. How one defines purging is important for clarity. We are not talking about KonMari-ing our lovelies or making things <span data-dobid=”hdw”>disappear following the statement “OMG! When did I ever think buying that was a good idea.” Purging, I believe, occurs when we are still in that place when we are terrified that a light might be shown upon our true selves; where the societal glop that we has swallowed forces yet another scamper into the closet. </span>
The times I’ve purged I was so deep if you wanted to find me it would have been prudent to fly to the other side of the planet and start digging there. With maturing and an understanding loving wife the need to procure big black garage bags and sweating by myself late at night is over. Purging never helped and like many has mentioned above, I really regretted it afterward.
You know, something just occurred to me. There is a parallel between Purging and the concept of “Don’t Say Gay”. Both are rooted in the thought that if these things are removed from our immediate consciousness, what is feared won’t happen. However, what we have learned is that this thought process is erroneous. Being trans or being gay is part of our core existence. It is just part and parcel of who we are. This is why conversion therapy doesn’t work. Our gender identity and sexuality are innate…
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I understand some use the word Purge in the negative. Dumping your garments and accessories out of shame, guilt in the attempt disconnect from Dressing. When I say I’m purging. I’m basically clearing out my closet from having too many duplicates. Items that don’t fit quite right. Things I kept, thinking it will fit if I lose a few pounds. I haven’t purged to ditch the Dresser life style but I have purged up to 300 garments at one time. When I first started I had absolutely no idea about woman’s sizes nor the names other than the basics (dress, skirt, blouses, shoes and heels) so grabbed everything that I thought would fit my frame. After the first two years of collecting and learning I had my first PURGE of 300 garments and over 20 pairs of shoes and boots.Great topic! I responded “no”, simply because I don’t know that it is a “necessary” thing. As a few other girls have noted here, it can depend a lot on circumstances. There are many who are merely crossdressers (no interest in actually transitioning) who “purge” either because of guilt issues or because someone (parents, girlfriend, wife) forced it. I purged maybe 3 times during the years when I “thought” I was simply a crossdresser. Once – the very first time – was out of guilt . . . or at least as a result of my resolve to “be a MAN.” That lasted a few years, and then I was dressing again. The other purges were “forced”: once because of a move (no way to pack up and move the girl stuff) and once to ameliorate a conflict with my wife (she later sort of mellowed on the subject and I was able to somewhat resume dressing). At the time of the last purge, I was just starting to come to terms with my actual feelings of wanting to be a woman, not just dress up as one. That purge held for a number of years (grew a beard as a dissuasion from even wanting to dress). Lost the beard a few years ago (too much grey). Now there is no need to worry about further purging – all the male clothes are gone, my wife and I are “best girlfriends,” and I am just under 2 weeks away from my name AND GENDER MARKER being legally changed (“Dana Renee” and an “F”) by a judge of the California Superior Court.
I personally don’t think purging is a good idea. Most likely you will always come back to dressing. Unless there is some reason in your life that you know that you will never dress up again. I’ve learned from other’s about their purging regrets from the time I started dressing up myself. I have had those guilty feelings shame of dressing up and made me want to quit and purge many times. But instead of getting rid of my girlie stuff I would put everything in a box and put them out of the way. Everytime I eventually came back to dressing and was so thankful that I didn’t get rid of any of my girlie stuff. I am in a better situation than most as both my ex wife and current wife we’re and are both supportive of my dressing up. The guilty feelings still came even though I had their support. Now that I’m older and have embraced of who I am even though I’m still in the closet with friends and family, I haven’t had those purging feelings for over 10 years now. Good luck with your journey.
i think it is only natural. looking back at all the things i discarded as a child only to look to recapture as i got older. i believe every human goes through this in one way or another
In my case, purging showed me how ingrained my femininity is in me and that I was doing myself a major injustice by denying it. I probably purged about three times over the years and disposed of some clothes that I really loved. Denial and guilt were big parts of it. I did start seeing a psychologist and she helped me get over these feelings and I have now accepted the fact that I am Lauren and I will always be. After the last purge about 6 years ago, I swore to myself that I would never do it again and I have stuck to it!
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