Ready to come out but how???

[Kelly Blind]

So, I started HRT about 3 weeks ago and trying to plan on coming out to family and friends. I am 66….Yikes, but I am ready to finally make the transition.

My wife of 47 years is on board and my cheerleader. So here’s where I need help:

• Coming out to my mother who is 92. She lives alone in the house I grew up in, still drives to the grocery store and drug store, and has all her senses and is very mentally “still with it”. She can surprise me with her views on different topics, never knowing how she may respond. Sometimes she will be very open minded and other times she can be very opinionated.
• Coming out to my two sons. One is 41 and the other is 44. They are both married and have successful careers.

I am not to concerned about my grandkids, great grandkids, siblings, or extended family since I have never really been that close to them. I am also not worried about friends or acquaintances. I am fully aware that I will lose most and gain some.

My biggest hurdle to overcome is my fear of losing my mother or my sons. It would crush me.

Please help, Kelly

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Kelly:

Coming out is never an easy process, but it must be done. The main reason is that you need to be able to tell your story, your way. Allowing someone else to tell your story is called “losing the narrative”. Once that happens it is very difficult to regain the narrative. You are put on the defensive and it is hard to undo that. The other thing that may happen is that if someone has a bias against trans people, your story will get distorted and it will put you in a very bad light.

So, that’s the Why. What does the How look like?

What is needed is a very straightforward approach to what you are going to say. Be very specific about how you currently feel and how things have gone for you in the past. Don’t apologize for what you know to be true about yourself. After all, you are baring your soul and telling your story. There may be questions about why you feel the way you do. There is no answer to that question and some others as well. In parallel, we don’t ask someone why their eyes are blue, do we? Our gender identities, and also our sexuality, are just part of us. We don’t change. What we do is discover or realize how things really sit for us. However, in many cases what we have done over the years is suppress or ignore our true feelings.

You may need to capture your thoughts by writing them down. That can help to crystalize things for you. However, I would advise against reading what you wrote to others. I say that because I think you may lose some sincerity in the process.

Anyway, this is the way that makes the most sense to me, and it is what I did. But, this is NOT the only way. Above all, you need to be comfortable with what you are going to do.

So, be thoughtful. Be deliberate. Be sincere. Explain terms that others may not be familiar with.

Good Luck!

[Michelle Lawson]

Kelly, from your post I’d say you know exactly what you need to do, and from DeeAnn’s reply the how seems pretty clear. It seems that all that is left is the time, place, and mood, that are all at your command. Once you have decided on those, the words will come. And I suspect, if you are anything like me, the tears will come as well. Good luck and best wishes, Michelle

[Kelly Blind]

DeeAnn and Michelle, thank you so much.

One other major thing I forgot to mention, I don’t live in the same state as my mother and two sons.

 

[DeeAnn Hopings]

The alternatives then are by phone or by ZOOM, or some other communications app. There is some sacrifice in terms of reading body language, but it is the best that you can do if you can’t be there in person.

Some people have posted about sending a coming out text message or E-Mail. That strikes me as so impersonal and would seem counter to announcing a very personal and important topic.

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Kelly:

Has anything happened in the last month and a half?

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