Regrets?

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #95104
    Alexis Moon
    Participant

    I have a question. As I’ve been moving away from the “I’m just a crossdresser” world and into the “I’m trans” mindset, I keep coming across stories about how amazing most seem to feel once they’ve completed the transition, or at least are living all or most of the time as a woman. It makes me so excited because I  so badly want to have that same feeling…

    But, what if that doesn’t happen? What is this is just a case of “the grass is always greener?”

    I’d love to hear about the possibility that maybe, after obsessing over the fact that you want nothing more than to live your life as a woman, can you get there and be like, “Oh, this was a mistake.”

    We put so much at risk with coming out to family and loved ones, and wouldn’t it suck to put everyone through that if it turned out to be the wrong decision?

    To be clear, I don’t have that doubt right now. I’m convinced that his has been true for me for a while, and when I daydream about starting to live life as the woman I know I should be, I get just as excited. I guess I’m just worried that I might get there and be like, “well, this isn’t what I thought it’s going to be…”

    Is it just me?

     

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    • #119757
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Historically, people had to live as their target gender for a year before they could initiate transition. The length of the duration could be argued, but I think it had some merit. Socially, women behave VERY differently from men (speaking for the perspective of trans women, but the opposite is also true). I think many are genuinely surprised when they experience the lack of male privilege. Many don’t realize that they do, in fact, have privilege until they don’t. I don’t know how one would experience this without being placed in the position of being a trans woman, but I do believe it is an informative peek in the box. I doubt if it is a deterrent, but I do think it helps people to understand some of the subtleties…

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #119776

        There’s a great article I stumbled across in Elle literally this morning on exactly this topic! I found it on Apple News. It’s about a “tech bro” that had started his own successful company and then, after that fell apart, transitioned and tried to start another tech company. She ended up running into all kinds of difficulties and challenges that weren’t there when she was a “cis white male.” It’s a really fascinating look into gender politics and marginalization in the business world.

        That said, I’ve never been one to consciously use my male privilege, but I fully recognize that it’s been an advantage whether I realize it or not. I guess my point is, it’s something I’d be willing to sacrifice in order to live more happily and with more confidence. In other words, what I would give up in terms of privilege would be more than offset by the surge in self-confidence and self-esteem that I feel as a woman. Does that make sense? As I guy, I always feel like I’ve never measured up – not strong enough, tough enough, handsome enough, smart enough, talented enough…but as Lexi, none of that stuff matters. I’m just “me.” And that’s good enough.

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        • #119804
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          As I said, I doubt that it would be a deterrent. At least, I hope that it wouldn’t. But, I do think that it might help people have a clearer idea of what transition really is. It goes way beyond the physical part, choosing clothes and doing makeup. The socialization part is very important as I think that is how people learn to fit into society in general, and with other women as well. We didn’t have the benefit of instruction and coaching by our mothers, sisters, aunts and others, so there’s a lot to figure out…

          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #119562

      Perhaps it is not my place to reply to this subject. I do finally accept the fact that I am a woman. Trans is an adjective that defines an aspect of my womanhood. However I have not completed nor started transition. I have contemplated it from every angle possible (I think) and long for full time womsnhood, as I have posted previously on other forum posts.

      So why comment here?

      I have spoken to a number of full time all-the-surgeries trans women. One is a doctor, who as part of her practice, works with trans-women at the beginning of their journey. In her conversations with me she spoke very confidently that I was trans. “Normal men don’t desire the things in your heart, Charlene. Women desire those things for themselves. Indeed you are a woman.” I had suspected such. Her thoughts helped to confirm and enable me to better embrace this life changing truth.

      Those ladies I have spoken to all have told me that you are ready to transition when you come to the point in your heart where you would rather die then continue as a male. Now, I understand that may not be everyone’s experience, but it was the experience of the ladies that I spoke to and whom I trust deeply.

      I haven’t begun trandition because I am not there yet. Perhaps I will never be, but in my mind the consequences that lay ahead of me for “failing to get this right” are too grave to “get this wrong.”

      I have heeded their litmus test. . . . “you would rather die then continue as a male.” Thus, though a woman who is trans, I live with the constant tension between my physical personhood and my inner authentic gender. To be sure it is not easy, as no doubt we all know. And I envy and admire so many here who have been able to achieve your dream of authentic personhood.

      I suspect that is why I come here to TGH. You all, where ever you are in your journey, help me to manage my own dysphoria until the day comes when I finally find whatever it is that one needs to find in order to cross the gender divide into authentic personhood.

      Blessings,

      Charlene

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      • #119795

        ” Those ladies I have spoken to all have told me that you are ready to transition when you come to the point in your heart where you would rather die then continue as a male. ”

        I’d go with that and add that it doesn’t fade as you transition. My HRT prescription went missing recently…the panic I went into was worse than anything I can ever remember. It felt like life or death in my mind…no option of ever going back to being male…it would be jump off a bridge for me and I’m totally serious about that.

        Never one regret, of my four sisters only one speaks to me now…but no matter…it happens. A few friends and ex’s lost but it was never about keeping what I had…it was about being me at last, at any cost. I guess that’s how determined you have to be.

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      • #119773

        This right here is the crux of my issue: “Those ladies I have spoken to all have told me that you are ready to transition when you come to the point in your heart where you would rather die then continue as a male.”

        I long to live more (if not all) of my life as a woman. But, would I rather die? No. I don’t think so. I’ve got too much else to live for. But that doesn’t mean I’m not uncomfortable on an almost daily basis. Would I be happier if was living my truth? Absolutely! But suicidal? No.

        Now, I will say that this might be a good litmus test for taking the major step of surgically altering your body in a way that be difficult (if not impossible? I never really looked into it…) to reverse. In other words, if you are going to commit to that level, then yeah, it better because it’s going to literally save your life. But, does being trans mean you need to go this far? If choose to present as female, without surgical alteration, does that still make me “trans?”

        Where I struggle is making the choice to live and present as a woman, and how that affects my relationships with those closest to me – wife, children, etc. I guess because I’m the sort of person who always puts the happiness of others before mine, and I don’t want to rock their world. So, if I’m going to do this, I just want to be really, really sure.

        There’s little doubt in my mind that if I removed the needs of others from the equation, this is the path I would choose. But again, would I rather die? No.

        I guess the most telling statement is the idea that cis-people don’t have these thoughts, and I believe that to be true. You likely wouldn’t spend your whole life questioning your gender identify if there wasn’t a good reason for it!

        Random observation: Being “trans” is a spectrum, but being”cis” is not. Thoughts?

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    • #100259
      Sharon
      FREE

      I am working on the try it and see, and take small steps.

      People can de-transition if it feels wrong later, although  only a small percentage tend to de-transition.

      Most people who get to the stage where they transition have spent some time considering it before they reveal themselves to the wider world.

      Personally I am taking small steps to keep my dysphoria in-check, removing body hair, shaping eye-brows, clothing, telling people, changing my title and pronouns, getting my ears pierced.  No medical intervention yet, unless I need it.  Next may be (semi-permanent?) facial hair removal.

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    • #99342
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Alexis:

      Sounds a bit like that Peggy Lee song: “Is That All There Is?”.

      I think everyone’s story is different to some extent. It wouldn’t surprise me that there is euphoria at one end of the spectrum, quiet relief at the other and everything in between. Anyway, I think the number of people who permanently detransition is pretty small, but some may revert temporarily for some specific reasons and then continue on their previous path later.

      There is a guy that conservatives like to bring up as someone who detransitioned. However he admits that he lied to his therapists so that they would approve his transition in the first place. That isn’t a failure of the system. That is the result of someone who blatantly and convincingly lied.

      Anyway, nothing is perfect, but it behooves us to be as straightforward with our therapists as we can…

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      • #119975

        The quoted figure on my regional LGBT today for detransitioning (this is UK figures I suspect) is 0.4% and that is largely for social, family or work pressures.

        • #119976
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          Last I heard here in the US the number is down in that range. The reasons you have mentioned are also consistent what I’ve seen and also many do restart at a later date after the problematic situation has passed…

    • #95143

      Hey  – I would love to hear more about your experience. TBH, in my mind I feel like that’s my end game. I don’t really feel the need to have “bottom surgery” (a term I’ve only recently learned about!), but to live and present every day as female feels like it would be a dream come true.

      Mind if I DM you? Thanks!

      xxoo,

      Lexi

      Me,this inner woman wanted out and age 18 I was suffering during my senior year of high school.Lot of my good friends were concerned and I knew they were there for me.Mom,she saw I was falling apart.Good thing is she love me as a daughter with a much happier life.Knew I would be happy as a pre op.I learned about the estrogen very well,emotional mood swings at times

    • #95139
      Anonymous

      Hi Alexis , nice name !

      I have no regrets at all on making the transition to become a post op woman . Every day is just as beautiful then as it is now .

       

      Terri-Alexis

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #95110

      No regrets when I decided to transition and not to have the GRS.I am completely happy as a pre op transsexual to this day.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #95140

        Hey  – I would love to hear more about your experience. TBH, in my mind I feel like that’s my end game. I don’t really feel the need to have “bottom surgery” (a term I’ve only recently learned about!), but to live and present every day as female feels like it would be a dream come true.

        Mind if I DM you? Thanks!

        xxoo,

        Lexi

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #95145
          Anonymous

          Alexis ,

          There are no guarantees in life that it will be fun and all in it’s glory . We all have to make sacrifices throughout our lives .

          True friends will support you in your life even if they disagree , they will always be there for us . If not so be it , this are people you don’t want in your life . Negative breeds negative .

          Family it can be hard , but like anything else in life we can chose who we want for our family to be . Doesn’t matter whether we are born into it .

          If you are having self doudts on moving forward and are comfortable where you are , then why the question ?

          I could have not gone for my bottom surgery , but would have I felt complete … more then likely not . I know myself all to well and it would have been filled with depression .

          Friends come and go , we change who are family is through out our lives . When we are ready to leave this earth and start a new journey , if you can count at least 5 true friends  , then we are truely blessed

           

          Terri-Alexis

          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #95109
      Anonymous

      I’d love to hear about the possibility that maybe, after obsessing over the fact that you want nothing more than to live your life as a woman, can you get there and be like, “Oh, this was a mistake.”

      Although, I have zero regrets personally (five years post op this summer), everyone’s circumstances are different.

      I can’t tell anyone that this is the right or wrong decision for them personally.

      Everyone has to decide for themselves.

      Likewise, I can’t speak for everyone who does medically transition, but most of us don’t feel that we are “giving up” anything by being our authentic selves.

      If you feel as if you would be “sacrificing” something by transitioning, then maybe its not right for you?

      Or at least, maybe now is not the right time?

      We put so much at risk with coming out to family and loved ones, and wouldn’t it suck to put everyone through that if it turned out to be the wrong decision?

      By the sounds of it, you want some guarantee of acceptance by others before going into the process?

      For me, it was more a case of “this is who I am”. If anyone decided not to accept me, then they messed up.

      In my case, my mother messed up. But the rest of my family were fine. So were most complete strangers!

      • #95141

        Thanks for your thoughts. I think the guarantee that I want is that if I end up sacrificing relationships, I want to know that that won’t make me regret my decision! That I’ll still feel confident that I made the right decision, no matter what. I realize there are no guarantees, though…

        Coincidentally, I did come across a Twitter thread last night on a very similar topic, and one reply really stood out to me. It was something along the lines of, “cis-people don’t ask themselves these questions.” In other words, if you spend every hour of every day over many years asking yourself if you’re trans, well…that’s probably your answer.

        • #95142
          Anonymous

          I think the guarantee that I want is that if I end up sacrificing relationships.

          Transitioning isn’t a test of you. Its a test of your friends and family.

          Are you concerned that some of your friends and family will fail the test?

          I won’t lie, they might fail.

          You might also be surprised at who succeeds and who fails as well.

          But if they do fail, then you didn’t “sacrifice” anything. You just discovered one of two things :

          1. That friendship was 100% situational, and rather shallow as well. People grow apart. Its no loss!

          2. Your “friend” was actually not a friend at all. Getting rid of their false friendship is actually a blessing.

          Coincidentally, I did come across a Twitter thread last night on a very similar topic, and one reply really stood out to me. It was something along the lines of, “cis-people don’t ask themselves these questions.”

          I don’t agree with that at all. Cis people have these “honesty dilemmas” all the time.

          Only instead of “shocking revelations” about gender, they don’t know if they should spill the beans about something else involving reality.

          Sexual orientaion, secret crushes, confronting people about bad behaviour etc.

          Honesty can kill shallow friendships in an instant. But are shallow friendships worth much in the grand scheme of things?

          No. Because they are very easy to replace!

           

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