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Many of you know my marriage has been on shaky ground since I came out to my wife a little over a year ago. At that time, we both thought I was “only” a part-time crossdresser. I didn’t know anything about gender dysphoria or the genetics involved in my gestation. Once I did come out, I began exploring more and researching more. I started therapy with a gender counselor. The marriage was rocked, but we were hopeful we would adapt and be able to move ahead somehow.
A couple of months later, I came to find out my need to be more feminine was more and more pronounced and two therapists within a week of each other, confirmed what I suspected – I am transgender and my male exterior was a “birth defect” that starting HRT and moving towards socially transitioning was the best (only, really) treatment. Again, the marriage was rocked, and my wife moved from cautious acceptance to grudging tolerance. I became more anxious about body hair, wanted to do more “primping and pampering”, and spent more and more time in feminine mode. My wife married a man with hairy arms, hands, and legs and she was turned off by this new version of her spouse who was becoming more feminine by the day.
In January, “we” decided to move into separate bedrooms so that she could have more distance. We had quite a few other pressing issues besides my changing body and attitude. I agreed, but it caused me quite a bit of anguish. I sensed the beginning of the end. The tolerance was getting thinner and thinner. She said she wasn’t comfortable around Brielle, that she cringed when Brielle tried to hug, lean in for a kiss on the cheek, or even sit watching TV next to each other. I hurt for her – she didn’t know about this 40 years before when we vowed “in sickness and in health”. We had no road map and no way to really cope.
I was wrong not to admit when we were engaged in 1980 that I was a part-time crossdresser, and I compounded that wrong every day for the next 40 years. Even though I didn’t feel safe to talk about it to ANYONE, she deserved better. Fast-forward to May this year. My wife abruptly determined separate bedrooms wasn’t separation enough, so we moved into separate apartments in mid-June. Since then she also told me unless we have an emergency or are required to interact, she wants virtual non-communication. We will never work out anything this way, but I can’t blame her nor fault her needs, anymore than she should mine. The worst part of it all is we know we still love each other deeply. But she will never allow herself to love another woman, whether cis or trans.
I have emotionally distanced myself in self-protection. If she wants to reconcile, she has to make clear she wants me as a mate, and not just a roommate. We both deserve better than that. As I said, I can’t fault her for how she is working through all this, but it stings that she will only be my mate if I look, dress, and act in a way she prefers. That being said, I really can’t say what my response would have been if she told me she wanted to take testosterone, wear men’s clothes, wear a prosthetic in her pants. Maybe even get breast reduction surgery. Would I still want to be intimate if I remained solidly male through her changes? I honestly don’t know.
Those of you who have not come out to your SOs, do NOT use my experience as your model. I did most of it wrongly. I do implore you to find a way to open up to them somehow. The longer you wait, the stronger the hurt they will feel that you could keep such a momentous thing secret. They will not thank you for waiting years to be honest with them, trust me!
I must say that overall, I am feeling optimistic about my transition plan. I am not sure it’s been worth all the damage, but considering I’m fixing a medical problem that threatens my life and health, did I have a choice? I think not.
Hugs,
Brie
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Hi Brielle:
My best for both of you!
I told my wife everything, about the same time as you. We’re still together. She realized that no matter what I wear, or how I fell and behave, I’m still the same person she married over 30 years ago. Oh sure, it’s a little weird at times, but it’s just a dress… and heels… and nylons…
What we are cannot be undone. I spent my entire life, like you and everyone here, wishing I was someone else. I finally found Barb only a short while ago and I ain’t letting her go.
And I’ve never be happier!
Barb
From my observation, there seems to be A LOT of variability as to what happens after someone transitions, or at least, comes out. As time goes on, for some it gets better and for some, it gets worse. As is said, Your Mileage May Vary.
That said, I do advocate for purposefully coming out rather than being outed by someone. When that happens, it becomes very difficult to tell your story, your way. I believe it always helps to explain what you feel, what you know and what your history is in your own words. If you are outed, someone else’s prejudices and misinformation is likely to come into play and that is never a good thing.
Everyone has to balance their own needs against family considerations, employment considerations and whatever else. We all have to solve that equation for our own unique set of circumstances, for ourselves. We may listen to the thoughts and suggestions of others, but in the end, it is our decision…
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Hi Dee Ann, as usual you give a sensible, logical reply! Thank you for your comments. I totally agree – and I’m taking measured steps I can assimilate to come out. First to close family, next to employer, then extended family and friends, and finally socially out and ready to move forward. It has worked well for me so far. I’ve been able to be active here and on a couple of other social media sites while avoiding accidental outting.
I hope I didn’t come off as too “preachy”, I just know how our relationship drastically changed becuase I didn’t feel safe until 40 years passed to come out. If I can save one couple from that level of trauma and pain, I want to try. But in the end you are right. This sort of cahnge can only come when one is ready for it and it should be their decision and not come from anyone else.
Thanks!
Brie
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Thanks!
To me, the key phrase is Conscious Thought. That is how we prepare ourselves so that we can take the next steps.
Quick story:
When I was in high school, I never really worked very hard. I didn’t have to. I had an excellent memory and other things would just stick regardless of whether I was trying to remember them or not. College was a different story. After a number of missteps, I finally began to understand what I needed to do. What I discovered was that the better I was prepared, the more relaxed I became. Now some may thing this is obvious, but note that I used the term “discovered”. Anyway, the point is that when we put effort into conscious thought, we see things more clearly, we understand the risks and rewards better and that makes it easier to move forward.
Are there any guarantees about how things will turn out? No, and I don’t think there will ever be. We can only do the best we can with what we have to work with, at any point in time…
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I’m so sorry to hear this Brie. As Lauren said, I see so much of your life in mine. Right now my wife and I are still together but I fear that may not be the case as time goes on. My dysphoria is becoming more intense and so I’m taking medication to try and manage my depression and anxiety. My wife has known for a long time but not until after we were married. She has told me that she married and man and that she can’t be married to a woman and so for many years I’ve worked to be that for her. My fear now is that I’m just not sure how much longer my mind and body will allow that to happen before something major breaks.
I wish you all the best and that your journey through this transition will be a wonderful success.
Huggs,
Claire
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Hi Claire, and thanks for your reply. As I just said to Dee Ann, I do not want to pressure anyone into things they are not ready for. If I cause anxiety to others, that was not at all my intent. I’m relieved that at least your spouse is aware. It is hard to face that the person who knows and loves you most can only stay and be happy with you when you present the “image” they want, rather than what is best for you.
That being said, i can in no way criticize any spouse or SO for feeling like they need to protect and care for themselves also. It’s the dilemna we all face – be completely true to ourselves at our core, or lose family and friends that just won’t ever understand what goes on inside us. Are they better off with having half of us present? Can we handle presenting one way to some and another way to others? Many can, and honestly I wish I could have done, had the medical pressure not been so overwhelming.
I hope you can reach some middle ground, I truly do. I would never tell someone their individual pursuit of happiness should be more important than marriage and children.
Hugs,
Brie
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Oh Brie, tears are falling, we’ve had this discussion before, it seems we are on parallel paths. I told my wife about crossdressing and she was struggling with that, then, after my heart surgery pointed me to the truth that I am a transgender woman, I had another conversation that didn’t end well.
As of June 1st I have been separated from my wife and living in another place. The only difference is she says she still wants to be friends, but it seems to only work over the phone or by text as she says she doesn’t want to see Lauren in person. I really can’t see the relationship surviving, and, like you, should have told her before we got married. I have transitioned as completely as I believe I can at this point, as medical issues restrict HRT. I am seriously looking into breast implants as I already have substantial ‘moobs, and possibly an orchiectomy which would cancel the effects testosterone has on body hair. I am going to recommend watching today’s video by Dr.Z, I found it very helpful with regards to dealing with all the various people we have in our lives and their reactions to our being trans women. It’s called “Motivational Tip | How to Attract Right People Into Your Life!
I hope you’re doing alright, I know that by living as a woman fulltime and changing my gender identification to female, I feel as if I have, almost literally, been reborn and it is truly an amazing experience! The people who are now entering my life are so genuine, supportive and encouraging that I don’t feel I’m missing the past connections who seem to have already vanished from my life.
That’s all for now, I know we will talk again. Best wishes girl friend.Big hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
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Hi Lauren,
I’m sorry if I made you cry! I am getting stronger by the day. And you have given me so much inspiration, GF! I have a You Tube playlist with dr. Z’s videos. I aslosubscribe to Cindi Grace’s vids and blogs as well. I have had overwhelming support and affirmation so far, in and out of the forums and social media. I KNOW I’m on the best path FOR ME. But that may not be the right path for anyone else. If you have the gender dysphoria diagnosis from 2-3 providers, insurance usually covers the orchi, and many cover BA. The spironolactone has really helped with the body hair, but I’m consulting with a urologist for the orchi this week. As much for stopping a medicine that makes your potassium levels see saw, as for the body image.
I really feel like the true, caring friends and family will still be there, and ones who are more interested in their hang-ups or mistaken ideaology will distance themselves. I’ve already developed many times more true friends (like you!) in the last year than I’ve had my entire life before that.
Keep moving forward! I admire you for not letting even medical issues keep you from living your authenic life!
Major hugs and kisses!
Brie
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Hi Brie, I’ve dried my tears and now I’m smiling, and giggling! At work they all start laughing when I start giggling. This is something entirely new for me as I’ve never giggled before, it is so great!
I also subscribe to Cindy Grace, was one of her first subscribers, great encouragement!
Another source of encouragement with a definite positive Christian view is a trans woman in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada, named Kimberley Beregrove, check her out, both of these and Dr.Z have been such a help for me.
I had an amazing coffeebreak with a lady at work who wanted to tell me how amazed they are at how much I’ve changed since officially becoming a woman. She said “Nobody will ever see you and think you’re a guy, you are a beautiful woman!” I know it’s that validation that has been such a boost in my confidence. My dear sister, real sibling, says it’s now time to walk tall and proud, shoulders back, chin up and a great big smile. I think I can do this…:)Love, talk again soon,
Ms. Lauren M
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I KNOW you can, Lauren!
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I don’t know that it’s a curse that has been put on us.
But I do know the pain because of separation, last month would of been 29 years for my relationship. But the effects of coming out last year made it finish soon after we saw 28 years.
At least we have been able to work and find ways to reach out to each other, and find new ways for building friendship and caring. We both now feel that in some ways we have come closer together than we were before, even though there is no relationship between us. We have been able to find sisters.
I know that is only my story to add, I hope maybe it can help.
Peace and love
Shiloh Rose 🌹
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Hi Shiloh, yes your reply means so much to me! I am sorry for the ending of your partnership. I am heartened by your ongoing work to keep the relationship intact as friends. I know my wife and I will get there eventually. After all, we stayed in the same apartment for nearly a year to try to work some of this out. I would theorize that cross dressing or even transtioning is not the only reason for a breakup.
Once the proper distancing and boundaries are defined and honored, a friendship can be the best outcome. We all need to go through the various areas of grief – a marriage, family ties, friendships, losing your previous gender identity, there are a lot! And we all ahve a unique way to get through each one.
Hugs!
Brie
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