- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 11 months ago by Andrea Moss.
- April 16, 2022 at 6:02 pm #129878Crystal SpringdayParticipant
My wife wrote this for someone struggling with a non-supporting spouse. It makes me cry every time I read it.
Please feel free to share with your non-supporting spouse.
She Likes Wearing Dresses
Dear wife of a trans woman,
Welcome to a wonderful opportunity to expand yourself, your expectations, and your compassion.
Congratulations. First, for choosing such a dynamic partner. Second, for being someone they trust with such a treasure of information.
This is a time for growth, for yourself, for your partner, and for your relationship.
You may be asking yourself questions, but before you do, try to remove the filters of society and hidden expectations.
Try to remember the person that you are partners with has had to have a half life, unaccepted sometimes, neglected and abused. You have the honor of meeting them as a whole person, who really wants nothing more than to be seen by the person they love the most and accepted by them.
Please try to meet your partner as a whole person yourself. Seek advice from professionals if that might help because the effort you put into acceptance and compassion will return to you in a true, deep, intimate relationship that will be more fulfilling than ever before.
The proud wife of an trans woman
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- April 19, 2022 at 12:58 pm #130016Andrea MossFREE
Hi Samantha, thank you for sharing your story. Once you cross that line and tell your partner, there is no going back. So many of us face this decision, and feel the sense of relief that we no longer have to hide, or keep a secret. But it can be so costly. I really feel for you, it is so painful to have someone you care about try and shame you, even if the initial response appeared to be one of acceptance.
I faced some difficult questions, and answered as best as I could. My wife was very supportive for a while, but then out of the blue ended our relationship. It is unfortunate that your ex didn’t want to see your psychologist, who would have helped her gain insight from a professional. Sadly, most of the advice they get ( my wife included) is from friends and work colleagues; people who are speaking from their own misguided and ill=informed prejudices.
We do have a fantastic support group right here, and I am thankful that members are willing to share their stories , offer support and advice, and speak from experience. At least we can benefit, and gain strength from it,
Thank you also for the link to the book, it looks like it will be an interesting read
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- April 18, 2022 at 3:11 pm #129998Samantha PetersSILVER
Hoping anyone who has a non-supporting spouse that that spouse will accept reading it vs casting it to the side. I was in a marriage from 1995 to filing divorce December 2019, and still in the divorce mess, but I both came out as well as started my immediate transition in September 2015.
Back in September 2015 my now ex-wife came to me because she saw me distancing myself further and further from her and she asked me what was wrong. I said to her that if I was to share with you what I was to share with you it cant be forgotten and are you sure you want to hear why I spend time online and away from you with greater amount of time and frequency and she said yes… and you could see it in her eyes that she was thinking i was going to say that i was cheating with another female or something like that. But what I said was a total surprise to her.
I said that I have been in the closet for most of my life and I am bisexual and I have relationships with other guys online, as well as I feel as though I am transgender and a woman who is trapped in a male body. The first part of that of me being bisexual she accepted even though it was a shock to her as i hid it well and there were times people joked around about non hetero people and I stayed silent and she was like why didnt you get angry about that and show that you were bisexual then and I said its not worth the fight to try to change someone who is a biggot or makes fun of others. Once that way, always that way!
The part she couldnt handle was when I said to her let me show you my secret life of being a female to which for years I had it hidden. I would be my female self when no one was home and I had the home to myself. I dug out my hidden stash of lingerie and clothing and I said I wear all of these items and I love being my female self in them.
She then switched to OMG your into extreme kink and I was like…. NO… You dont understand… Yes when I was 12 years old and put on my mothers items it was exciting that way, but I have become desensitized to it ever being something that is that. Its no different than wearing mens items, just that they are female items. But they reflect my identity that I want to live as and so its not some sort of kink or fetish.
This then switched to her asking me if I ever wore her items and I said Yes… Why? She freaked out that I wore her items without her knowing. She completely freaked out and was disgusted that I wore her items and said that I will no longer be wearing any of her things. All my womens items need to be washed separately so that there is no confusion as to whos panty etc is whos. I had to take a black sharpie marker and make a mark on them by where it says size 9 with my first letter of my name so that if she picked up a pair she would know that she wasnt accidentally putting a pair of my panties on as we both wore size 9.
But while this is extreme and odd to have to have my stuff separate it worked out well for me doing my laundry and having my own things. We came to what i thought was going to be a balance and something to work around. But she said she doesnt want me wearing any of the items around her and our daughter. And so I said I understand your worry in that it would somehow be seen as something sexually expressive if i was in a skirt and somehow seated my panty show etc. And so I said I will wear boxers or shorts under the skirt so that nothing improper ever shown to our daughter. This was met with resistance but she didnt have anything to say when i said see if skirt moves in any way only shorts or boxers shown and thats not a panty and doesnt show anything wrong.
I started to push my way to wearing more and more around the home as I was transitioning but not ever look sexually improper around anyone. I wore items that weren’t pushing any limits of decency however the one day when i came down for dinner wearing pantyhose that was seen as going too far. I said its just a leg covering and I still have shorts on and a skirt so nothing is being shown that is wrong. My ex wife said you need to see a psychologist and i said ok I will see a psychologist.
I found a psychologist who specializes in gender identity as well as anxiety disorders and she quickly with with the biggest of smiles said you are exactly as you say you are. “Your Normal” and hearing that i was normal made me feel like YES!!! Now I just need to share this with my wife and she will have from the psychologist that I’m normal and shouldnt have to be seen anymore for my gender identity. However telling my wife that, she yelled out that that psychologist is a quack and you need to find one that sees your problem as a problem.
I was like but i have no problem, your the only one with the problem. She then yelled out at me that she did not marry me to become a lesbian and will not be seen with me in public and by no means I ever go out in public as I am or else its an embarrassment to our family as we will all become the talk of the town.
I went back to my psychologist and shared this problem of my now ex-wife not accepting the news that I am “Normal” and my psychologist suggested that I invite her to a session so that the psychologist can communicate with her and maybe we can fix your failing marriage and find a way for her to accept you as your self.
I got home that day from that session and the minute i walked into the door it was her asking what was talked about as if I am being interrogated of what i said about my situation and her, and I said my psychologist really wants for you to come to one of my sessions so that they can help you to better understand me, because you dont understand me and you keep putting up this wall of unwilling to accept the real me. My ex-wife completely refused to go to a session because she felt as if it wouldnt be in her favor and she is unwilling to change. She yelled out that i want my normal hetero husband back and not this transgender freak that you are.
Texted my psychologist about what happened and she suggested that i get a book ” My Husband Betty ” https://www.amazon.com/My-Husband-Betty-Love-Crossdresser/dp/1560255153
I bought this book and dove into it with excitement to read it and i found so much of it was like my life and I dove into it reading it mainly so that when handing it to my now ex-wife that she if she had any questions I would know the content of the book to answer to how that related to me.
However she completely refused to read the book she threw it and said you need to find someone who will change you back to being a guy and I said… do you remember that day when i said.. .are you sure you want to know why i am distanced from you…. she said yes… I said I am not ever changing to being something i am not. I am done pretending to being a guy, and I am 40 years old and I lived most of my life in fear of how others would look at me knowing the truth of who I am. And I saw a video of this transgender child who fought with peers and a school system to defend their position as a transgender female and here I am 40 years old and weaker than that child. That video showed me that I needed to break away from my fear and if that child can do this so can I. And so I said I was not going to throw my life away not living it as myself. I have done that way to many years, and now i am going to live it as Samantha and not my male name.
Her and I came to an agreement to live in the same home as room mates and raise our daughter; however the toxicity increased towards me. She was making fun of me to try to get me to not wear things. She would intercept my mail and throw items away that I bought requiring me to pay to get myself a PO BOX in order to be able to receive items that I buy for myself. And it came down to just after Christmas 2019 her telling me that she wants a divorce and of the millions of times she said she wanted a divorce prior and I tried to keep us together, I realized that there was no point in trying to get her to adapt to me and accept me and I am done with the stress that had caused me to have to drink lots of alcohol nightly to be able to sleep and not have the stress of her on my mind. 7 months later I moved out into an apartment and had us both sign an agreement of what will and wont happen at the home that we share together buy I dont live within. That within the first 90 days she tore up and i had to take legal action against which started the nasty divorce process that i am still currently going through because the court system is slower than ever.
In closure to all that was shared. I so truly hope that all couples/relationships that they dont want to fail work for them by finding some sort of acceptance and balance that works for both without the transgender individual feeling as if they cant be themselves because of so many restrictions. I know a few who they made deals that they felt were like deals with the devil with their partners to only be transgender in private and in public they cant be themselves and they have to act hetero and/or look the gender they were labelled as at birth. To me that isnt living feeling trapped like that to not being out if wanting to be out, and so I didnt settle for an agreement to hide who I am to the public and all the many rules within the home that additionally restrict me from being myself.
But I have learned that while there is hope for some to accept a transgender partner in life, most find themselves on the same path i was on with being unaccepted as transgender and they either leave that person right away or its lots of tension with the other not willing to accept you and trying to change you can into what they feel you can be changed back into.
I so wish that i found my current partner years ago and didnt have to go through the mess that i am in. And that being said anyone not married yet who have a partner who isnt accepting of them. I would advise avoiding marriage as its been extremely financially costly to get out of the failed marriage and the stress a price cant be placed onto other than how much it beats down your health and if of weak mind and in a state of depression it can eat at you badly.
Anyone ever needing help have all of us here to care about them and assist the best we can. Your never alone in your transition as well as in life. Caring friends are everywhere, especially at this site! And anyone I ever see here needing help I will try to help out the best that I can remotely because we are all part of the transgender family where we have each others backs and when possible we will aid others in getting back onto their feet when they are down.
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