What age did you know you were transgender?


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    • #25456

      When I was little I just figured I’d grow up to be a little girl and things would be fine. By the age of 4 or so I was getting the impression something had gone horribly wrong with that assumption.

      How old were you when you knew ‘something’ was going on?

    • #25524

      I can’t remember honestly. I don’t have many memories before my grandmas passing in November of 95. I was 5 years old then. I do remember around late 5 or 6 wanting to be Ariel for Halloween. I found my moms old costumes in our attic from when she was a little girl in and fell in love with them. Unfortunately I had to go as a cowboy or something like that…

    • #25555

      A great struggle for me over the course of my 69 years. When I was very young I would play dress up often with my sister and her friends, and when alone. I had “boy” toys, but most often had play-time with two older girls who lived close, and we played “House” and “Dressup” routinely, until we moved farther away, about the time I was about 7. Living in a different area, I was somewhat discouraged from girl-play, and any time efforts to wear anything feminine would result in my being redirected to something more appropriate, and I soon learned that desire for things feminine needed to be kept in secret. There was a school play in second grade, and both boys and girls were required to wear lipstick and mascara so so our faces would be more visible, apparently. I vividly remember how wonderful I felt, being made up, and with our costumes, I felt like I was one of the girls. My enthusiasm did not go unnoticed, and I was severely shamed and teased, and although I knew what I wanted, I was also clearly aware that no one else approved. After that, all of my desire for dressing up or feminine play was done in secret, but my underlying desire was ultimately revealed, and I was known as a sissy. I, like many others, I’ve learned about,  attempted to conform to what I was told to be, while having the fantasies that somehow, I might be able to either turn into a girl, like all my friends were. I even remember once asking a much beloved young teacher if she has always been a girl, and if someone who didn’t want to be a boy, could change into a girl if they wanted to badly enough? She was very sweet and gently thought I was just being silly, and that I would love being a boy growing up, and be able to have a lot more fun than if were a girl, as boys get to do more fun things in life.

      She was partially right, as I did “Learn” to enjoy some male activities that were just somethings I had to do, in order to get along in life, but I never lost that fantasy of someday being able to a girl/woman.

    • #25567

      I would have to say around 5ish, getting dresses in female costumes at kindergarten that were available with high heel shoes too, during play time, and from time to time the other students would make fun of me but oh well I did it anyway, it wasn’t till I was 19 or 20 then I started “going out” we’re talking 1979 or so, and it was still pretty dangerous back then, but of course I did it only in safe areas of Hollywood an LA, and there we not many resources back then, most was all by word of mouth, if only we had the Internet then with all resources we have now, Oh my thank you for the subject 😊


    • #25575

      I was torn between being terse, being thorough and simply not replying at all. I chose thorough. I apologize for the length.

      I’m new here. I learned the truth about myself at the age of 59. Looking back at my life, I can see indications, including the devastation wrought by an unrecognized gender dysphoria; but, at the time, I was clueless.

      When I was in college, a fellow student, a cis woman, told me that I was “really in touch with my feminine side.” That comment stayed with me. Over time, I came to recognize that I had a strong feminine side; but, all cis men have a feminine side, and I thought I was simply more in touch with mine.

      Sometime around 12-13 years ago,perhaps more, I came to the conclusion that I would have preferred being born female. I knew next to nothing about what it meant to be transgender; I had only stereotypical notions, and they weren’t favorable or complimentary. As a long-time fan of lesbian cinema – the legitimate stuff, not the stuff made for cis men – I had encountered the term “male lesbian”; and after reviewing the characteristics I decided that that came closest to describing me. Of course, there was nothing to be done about my situation; so, I put this information on the back burner and pulled it out from time to time to review it.

      One day, about 11 years ago, I was reviewing this matter, and I happened to ask myself, “If I could be a woman, what woman would I want to be?” The answer was there, instantly, with no thought or reflection required; and the thought of being this woman sent me into outer space, where I stayed for about four days. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had just had one heck of an episode of gender euphoria.

      I was married at the time, and shared some of this with my wife, who was a cis ally on the board of the local LGBT center. Without mentioning it to me, she shared what I had shared with her with another member, a trans man. She then reported to me that he had suggested I might be transgender. I laughed. “Not me,” I thought. “I’m not one of *those* people.”

      Early in 2017, I had been divorced a little over a year. I was in my apartment, scouting around for some new project; and I remembered my “feminine side.” I remembered that psychology teaches that bringing unconscious material into the conscious and integrating it leads to a more balanced, more actualized person; so, I thought, why not?

      There are no books for this, at least none I was aware of. I thought it would be a good idea to try to pick up some feminine habits of expression and behavior, albeit only in the privacy of my home, hoping this would encourage my feminine side to express itself. When I painted my nails for the first time, I just knew I was going to look ridiculous; but I was committed to this effort and did it anyway. I was astonished by my own reaction. I loved them. The more I stared at them, drinking them in, the more I wanted to. I would gladly have left them that way until the polish wore off, if not for fear of what my employer would say.

      But it was the panties that were the most dramatic tell. I had been spending a good bit of time online by this point, learning a lot and realizing that I might actually be transgender. I was still experimenting when I put on panties for the first time. Twenty-four hours later, every pair of men’s underwear I owned was in the dumpster, covered with used cat litter – and I could not have told you why. It was not the least bit erotic. All I knew was that it had to be done.

      I eventually reached the point where I thought there was a good chance I was transgender, and had even begun to hope that I was – because being transgender, for me, meant being a woman, which would be an answer to prayer. I knew how easy it was to convince oneself of something I wanted to believe, so I made an appointment with a gender therapist in order to get an objective opinion. I did a lot of preparation for the initial interview, going over and over what I would say. The morning of the appointment, I was sitting in a parking lot in my car, again rehearsing; and an image just popped into my mind, of myself, walking down the street in a dress. And I knew.

      Since that day, there have been many confirmations – so many, in fact, that I long ago stopped trying to remember them all. I have recently become convinced that I must have exhibited signs at a very early age, and that if I could get my mother to do so, she could tell me what those were. But she and I have been estranged for many years. One day, perhaps.

      • #33524

        I just have to say that the stories shared in this post are incredible.  All of them feel real and familiar.  It’s so reassuring to realize that we have so much in common.  Like many of you I felt stirrings when I was young.  I played putting on women’s clothes and lingerie.  I liked the way I felt inside.  It was partially erotic but mostly a heightened awareness and sense of self.  I’m 67 now and I’ve had the chance to experiment more fully and I’m loving it.  My wife has been a willing spectator.  It has changed our relationship in interesting ways.

    • #26591
      S’Nia T

      I realized I was trans when I tried on my cousins shirt when I was in 4th grade and I felt so amazing wearing and doing girly things. I was smart enough to realize how much I could get in trouble if I was caught acting femme so I would do it when my mom was at work or asleep. Skip to 5th grade the first time i tried on one of my moms wigs when she left the room then she came back while I had the wig on and that was the first of 2 times I got caught. Sje asked if I wanted to be a girl but I said no out of fear of getting in trouble bc she seemed very mad. I got my phone took for a month after that and I got better at hiding being femme. Skip to 6th grade when I tried on a gown  that I found in a drawer in the attic. I would wear that to bed almost t every night and i would wear stockings under my pants around the house. But one night I fell asleep in it and when my mom woke me up in the morning she saw me wearing it. She was so mad and I knew I had to do better at hiding it if I wanted to keep being g femme so I would start to be femme when she was at work only and it worked. I eventually got extreamly good at hiding it from everyone that I wouldn’t get caught being femme until 10th grade. Over the years I started to be a lot more girly and I started to put on lip gloss, heels, bras, and panties when I was in 8th grade. Then I would take my cousins clothes that she woulnt wear anymore and she never noticed that they were missing. I would hide them in different places around the house that no one goes to except me. Skip to 9th grade. I started asking my cousin about her thoughts on trans people. She seemed accepting and I was considering coming out to her but I was way too scared. Skip to 10th grade I was wearing a bra, tank top, and panties when she came home from us school early and she saw me. She thought I was lying to her about me being a girl for a while then she started to accept me and she kept it a secret. She was the only person I could trust to be femme around. Her sisters didnt even know bc they weren’t around em that much and one of them was transphobic. She would let me keep the clothes that she didnt want or couldnt fit and I felt so relieved to finally tell come out to someone. Also in 10th grade I made a instagram account for the real me @queen_snia, there I would text other trans people my age and i followed a lot of trans celebrities and Youtubers like Leverne cox,  sonnis, dawn marie, and amiyah scott. I was always jealous that they had big boobs, a feminine face, long hair, and a big butt I always told myself that i will be a beautiful woman like them one day. In 10th grade I tried to pretend I wasnt trans by getting a girlfriend and we dated for 6 months but being with her just made things worse bc I kept getting jealous that she got to be a girl and wear dresses. I eventually broke up with her and I stopped talking to her over time. My dysphonia kept getting worse to the point where I started getting jealous of almost every girl I saw. I eventually told my cousin to call me a girl and pretend it was a mistake when we were around the rest of my family. I also started to take transgender quizzes and I they would always say that I’m a woman. I would also pull my draws up to they looked like panties and that made me feel a little better but it wasnt enough. I was scared to come out to my family bc I didnt want them to disown me if they didnt like me being femme. This is starting to get long so I will make a part 2 soon

    • #27195
      Lana Lang

      Raised by a single mom, I was a feminine child and teased as a sissy by some.  I kind of thought some were jealous!   On starting school my feeling led me to socialize more with girls and do girly things.  Play house, with dolls (mostly dress up dolls).  Eventually trying on frocks and shoes.  Many girls were accepting, some were not!  Fortunately I made some girlfriends that accepted and nurtured me as I was, supporting and helping along the way!  Girls are wonderful!

    • #27328

      I was older then 13 and a 1/2 months when I realised

    • #27330

      I was older then 13 and a 1/2 months

    • #28077

      I was exactly 5 years old when I started to feel…. different. I know exactly when it started and why now that I’m older and can look back. But it wasn’t until I was much older that I realized what it was that was making me feel different. If I’m going to be honest, I never had a sudden realization, it all happened sort of gradually and I’m still learning about it.

    • #29129

      In a family of 5 kids at the time there was so much going on it was hard to even be myself, much less comprehend what was going on, but I do know at age 9 I did my first public crossdressing in my sisters jeans to school several times.  I can’t say for certain I immediately associated it with feeling I was a girl and the shame I had received actually put me into a self repression that lasted until my early 20’s and stunted my exploration to just enjoying underdressing.

    • #31395

      It was before school when I had my first trigger events for crossdressing, but it was starting primary school that really set my brain whirling (age 4 and three quarters). Girls wore different uniform to boys (no stupid tie for a start). Girls were called by their first name, boys by their surname. It was always girls first, boys second. From that it could have just been jealousy that made me want to change to being a girl, but I also preferred to be with the girls at break time. None of that rushing around, kicking footballs, yelling and shooting one another type of play appealed. I preferred the chatting, skipping and making daisy chains.

      My childhood fantasy at that time: why couldn’t those aliens kidnap me and turn me into a girl!

    • #31544

      I was about 4 years old when I discovered I wanted to be female. I had told my mom that I wanted to be a girl so she knew that I had wanted to become a girl. I had started crossdressing, wearing my sister’s clothes and my mom started buying me girls clothes of my own for my wardrobe. I knew it was something I wanted to be at that young of an age. I was always into girls things like Barbie’s and playing dolls and dressing up as a girl.

    • #31559

      My coming into consciousness I thought I was like my dad and brothers. Unfortunately I soon realized they saw me as like my mom and sis. I tried to tell my mom when she put me in girl clothes. After a while I gave up telling her… she didn’t get it?…she didn’t believe me? well, whatever it was I just didn’t wear them. She got tired of fighting to put them on me only to have me take them off immediately. So I could just wear jeans and t shirt and be somewhat comfortable. Since then it has been trying to balance myself with what other people see me as. I am close to fifty years old and I am pursuing hormone therapy to change how my body looks. I think it will be the proper puberty I should have gone through and become as close to the guy I see myself (as and was meant to be), in my opinion. Thank you if you read my answer.

    • #31916

      When I was almost five I was dressed up as an angel to accompany my two older sisters at a fancy dress parade.  I can still remember the lovely white silky dress plus wings I wore along with one of  my Mums  blonde hair extension. My Mum has since told me that she had trouble stopping me from wearing the dress afterwards and had to dispose of it. I think this was the beginning of my gradual realisation that I was really a girl.









    • #32166

      I remember asking the 7 year old girl next door after playing doctors and nurses if next time I could be the nurse, she freaked out and told her family,I didn’t see her again. The earliest memory was sitting at my mums dressing table in the bedroom trying on her stockings (I must have been 4 or less). I remember telling her when I was about 7 that I wanted to be a girl but settled for being an occasional transvestite most of my life. I came out to my wife recently and now in the autumn of my years yearn desperately to be a woman.

    • #32181

      Hi all, i really didn’t know about being trans or gay or any certain label , i was preschool and liked wearing my mom’s under pants and being girlish. My aunt was a year older and lived next to me and we both had dolls and doll clothes to play with, purchased by my mom and gram maw . My mom kept my hair at shoulder length , curled like Shirley Temple, i had red hair, and this is how i stayed until i turned 6 years old and had to attend grade school. My dad , bless his heart,put up with this and finally put his foot down and told mom it was time to boy me up for school. I remember when they cut my hair i cried like a girl , so did my mom , i liked the way i was and wanted to stay like that. As years passed i never got over feeling like a girl inside , and would on some occasions dress up a little, a bra,panties and would have self induced sex. I couldn’t under stand why i needed to do this and felt ashamed at myself for it. I fought this feeling all my life , dressing sometimes , wishing i wouldn’t purchasing clothes only to toss away later and deep inside wished i had kept them. Finally 2 years ago i started keeping a journal of my feelings toward , about , the woman inside me that had been trying to come out ,to contact me , to put me at ease with myself , the real me, and yes,to take over. I love her and love being and looking like her, the male me is the one that is staying inside now , showing up only when a man is needed, like out side work, things my neighbors see me doing . Yes i am still in stealth mode for a while , but i hope not forever, Leslie is here and here to stay , shes not ever leaving . Having this place to hear everyone talk about their journey was what i needed and am very grateful to you all . Listen to the little woman inside she knows whats best for you. Thanks for this , Love Leslie

    • #32185

      I had difficulties when I was at the age 7, my parents would take me to therapist and I would remember today all the questions and my parents telling me stop sitting, tslking or walk like a girl,  and all my friends were all girls and I would have the guys ask me how , but today I get asked if I’m gay , but now I just say I’m a TF . Now I just have to get out of the closet.

      • #32188

        ~See, That’s The Messed Up Thing,

        Feeling Like You Have To Answer

        To Somebody, Feeling Embarrassed

        Like You Have Some Reason To Feel

        Ashamed Of Yourself!

        ~That’s Such B.S. /

        ~You Have Absolutely No Control

        Over Your Individual Design, And

        That’s FINAL, No If, And, Or Buts!


    • #32325

      I voted 6 but I may have started wearing my Mom’s girdle and bra a year younger. I have been crossdressing off and on all my life. And all my life I had the feeling of being a girl into womanhood. For whatever reason, I did not think about being transgender. Of course I never heard the word, Transgender. I grew up in the 50s and ’60s. I do remember every once in a while wanting to cut off my dick cause it did not belong there. I wanted a Virginia and breast but I did not get what I wanted so I kept crossdressing up to this day. I also came to the conclusion that I am a Lesbian. I have no desire to mate with or date any type of male person.
      My best guess is that I will not make the Full Transition to female. At 72 it is a bit late for that and the money that is would take to make it happen. I do feel that in my heart I m Female all the way. It would nice to find a Lesbian who would except me as a woman, but does not have all the right parts or extra parts.
      Well that’s it in a nutshell. Life does go on. Love you all.

      Vicki E.

    • #32330

      I guess I was in First Grade…probably 6 years old. I can remember looking at a little girl in the back of my class and wanting to be her. I wanted to have her beautiful hair and wear her pretty dress.

      Do you know, I still remember her name!

    • #33365

      I am not entirely sure, but it must have been at latest around the time I started school. At the time Swedish kids used to start school the year they turned seven, but due to special circumstances I was allowed to start a year early at six years and four months.

      At seven, I think, my three years younger sister went to a masquerade dressed in my mom’s short ballerina style lace wedding dress from 1963, that was a full length gown on sis, and I remember being so jealous on her.

      I didn’t know anything about being transgender or transsexual, but I knew I desperately wanted to be a girl and often I prayed to God to let me wake up as a complete girl in the morning.

      It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I lernt about the possibilities to transition between genders and change your body with hormones and surgery. At that time I was starting a family as a husband and later on father, so I reluctantly kept to the crossdressing I’ve been practising since age 11 or 12.

      I now want to be a woman more than ever, but never seems to get the chance to go there.

    • #33502

      Around 4 years of age.  I WANTED to be a girl.  I wanted to wear pretty dresses and ribbons in my hair.  I wanted to wear dainty and silky undies.  I wanted to be the one all the adults fussed over and pampered.  I wanted to be the one everybody said was so cute, darling, precious, pretty.

    • #35449
      Rami Love

      I never really gave my gender identity much thought until last year. I enjoyed wearing women’s clothing off and on again my entire life, starting at age 10. That was until last year at age 65 when my wife of 30 years came upon pictures of me dressed in her clothing. My wife did not want me dressing in her clothes so I purchased my own women’s clothing. She also had many questions which I could not answer so then came much research on gender identity.  7 months ago I came to the realization I am more transgender than not transgender. Just recently, I have come to terms with being a transgender, being myself and allowing my femininity to blossom.

    • #35474

      I did not notice anything ‘in that context’ until later in my teens. But as a child I just thought it part and parcel of being a boy to go around liking girl things, and that is what love was between a father to the mother. I didn’t seem to wonder what my mothers reasons for love were because I always thought boys and girls were different and so I could not know anyway. And I always preferred to play with girls, they were my best friends for example often times (I went to many schools) – even to the extent I was ostracized occasionally by boys for not fitting in with their abandon for details and refinement. So despite reverence and adoration for feminine things from the 6-10 range, I didn’t ‘realize’ someone was not ‘normal’ until I picked up my sisters clothes and tried them on for no reason other then it seemed right, until in my later teens. I wasn’t sure why I was attracted to her skirts and wearing them because I was not aware of transgender or crossdressing concepts, culture or history – it just felt right so I did it. But because it was not ‘normal’ I did it in secret (still do). I hope to change that part of course! Thanks to those who have for leading the way.

    • #35485

      I started putting on my moms panties and lingerie when I was 7. I knew I didn’t feel bad about wearing the items in fact I felt great, like I was wearing what I was meant to wear. I felt different, like I wasn’t me, who I should be but I couldn’t get the words right. In 1967 the words didn’t exist in the vocabulary of a 7 year old. So I envied the clothes the girls wore and their long hair and pretty shoes. I didn’t stop being envious and still didn’t have the words even in high school in the 70s. Fast forward to 2018 in May and I had an epiphany and knew who I was and the words to describe me! I am a Trans woman! I’ve learned so much in the year since and I learn more each day. My goal is to lose 30 Pounds or so, and get electrolysis on my face, chest/tummy and back. This way I don’t need to shave😁! I love shaving my legs and privates, I will epilate if I begin to dislike shaving my legs. Anyway I love who I am, I wish I had figured it out when I was in my late 20s but I wouldn’t have met the love of my life and my current wife. TTFN
      Danielle 💋👠👗🦋

    • #35619

      This a a tough one as I still am not sure what I am, I look in the mirror every day and see a women, I under dress every day and wear ladies pants 90% of the time. My family is the only thing that is stopping me from coming out  to the world, If I had the knowledge that I have learnt from CDH and here before i had a family I think things would be different for me, I have been questioning my gender since i was in high school, but always thought that i was a freak till I met all you amazing girls here. thank you ladies for being here these two groups have saved my life XXX

    • #35841

      Always played dress up with my sisters felt right dressing in there clothes but parents didn’t like it much was alway kind of what you call a sissy boy I guess you would call it dad was always pushing football and baseball and I want to play barbies with my sisters and draw…but in teen years you didn’t want to be a queer or faggot so went on being a boy now older wish I would have found out what I know now could have saved me a couple of marriages Life just simply got in the way of my journey I guess with kids and working now retired and looking forward to the changes even if the wife probably won’t but not gonna worry about her she will do whatever she wants to do and can’t change that….Just looking forward to me the real me

    • #35849
      Josie Jay

      Oh my God…what wonderful stories! I had no idea there were so many who had these feelings as young as I did. I always identified as feminine…I felt I was the same as my mom, sisters, and aunts. I loved the knee-length cotton dresses of the 60’s…the way the girls ran their hands down the back of their legs to hold their dresses tight as they sat. I loved the way they sat with their legs together, or with their legs crossed; and, I did my best to emulate them. I started putting the feminine undergarments on at age four. I loved it when adults called me cute or pretty and I was into moms makeup constantly…(her red lipstick fascinated me).

      I was befuddled by the toys I got. My brother and I always got pop guns or little cars and tractors. The guns frightened me…I did enjoy the cars in the sand but after I built my roads it was all about driving my imaginary kids around. The dolls…I wanted so very badly to play with my sisters dolls, and I did. My parents didnt seem to mind until I reached the age of seven or eight. I kept a Snoopy doll under my bed in his own little bed…I would reach down and pet him when I woke during the night.

      I do wish that things had been more open back then. I would have loved to have been able to be the girl that I am. I do love my wife and children and grand children with all my heart and I wouldnt change a thing concerning them. They are just going to have to get used to a lady named Josie who loves them all very much.

    • #52253

      Hi all,

      Age 4, all the way through early childhood thought at puberty the body would change, It did change the wrong way. The other thing is that my family and just about everyone that has crossed my path in life, have always said  “I was weird or there is something wrong”. The something wrong turned out to be what they called back them Transsexual (this confused me as it indicated that it was sexual, never has been, Only discovered this after intense reading biology, chemistry, phycology and, child development and health.

      Love you all

      Lucy Liz

    • #62433
      Riley R

      I think most of us know who we are at a very young age and the idea of being different is a process where you realize that there is a contradiction between your sense of yourself and the reactions to you, from those around you, family, and society in general.  When I was extremely young, I didn’t think in terms of gender, or especially birth assigned sex or gender.  I thought in terms of boy or girl.  I do remember my family discouraging me from being myself at a very young age.  In fact, those are some of my earliest memories and they are indelible.  I suppose that was when I started to realize that something about me was different.  I’m not sure exactly what age I formed these memories, but it was before I started school, so 3 or 4 yrs of age I guess?

      Anyway, I do think this is a good topic of discussion and it’s something that I talked about with my counselors when I was young.  Since this was a time of confusion and hurt, it’s a good thing to talk out, because such memories stay with you. Keeping such things bottled up inside can affect you the rest of your life and affect your well being.

      • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Riley R.
    • #62481

      Hi everyone. It was about age 4 or 5 for me when I knew “something’s wrong”. Then I just had cascading confusion up to about age 10 or 11, when I also started to have sexual feelings and fantasies about being a woman, and having sex with a man. And then realised how difficult my life was going to be.

      Kind of odd memory… my birth name has a shortened form which is gender ambiguous. My parents had invited over an adult friend who didn’t know me, and I was introduced just before bed-time in pyjamas, without wearing glasses. The friend said ” You’re a pretty little girl aren’t you?” I immediately replied “I’m a boy; I’ve got one of these” pointing between my legs, much to my parents’ embarrassment, and the friends, and then mine.

      But then it struck me just afterwards that “Hey I liked being called a girl”, ” Hey I liked being thought of as pretty”, then in shock “I kind of wish I was a girl” but then – with utter confusion “There is something wrong with my answer. The reason I gave for being a boy doesn’t sound right”.

      There was another moment about the same time. I’d go swimming with my mum and dad: with my mum, I’d get changed in the girls’ room and I noticed I was preferring that to changing with my dad. I also noticed the swimsuits vs ttrunks, then asked why I didn’t have a swimsuit and could I have one. When I got old enough, and was told I now had to use the boys’ changing room and bathrooms, I didn’t like it. And never have done since.

      I spent a lot of time up to age 9 playing with girls, which I preferred a lot to playing with boys. My ratio of girl friends to boy friends was about five to one, and my closest friends were girl neighbours who also went to the same school as me. They were older than me, but I was put up a year at school, so we were in the same class as me. I noticed that their lives : toys, clothes, skipping games, ballet lessons etc were pretty different to mine and my brother’s, and I preferred their way. I asked my mum and dad from time to time if I could have that, or why boys weren’t allowed to do that, and got a lot of frowns, conversation stoppers and changes of subject. I asked for a leotard, of course wasn’t allowed one, and made my own out of a long vest and a safety pin. It felt inadequate and I felt guilty about doing something I knew my mum and dad wouldn’t approve of.
      <p style=”text-align: left;”>I think if I hadn’t then suddenly been dumped in an all-boys school, I would have learned faster, but it just made mixed up further. To be fair though, my family and the state system wasn’t coping very well with my abilities (in maths and science I was put into classes 2 to 3 years ahead of my age, feeling very out of place and getting bullied). My parents and grandfather decided I needed selective education, the only way of getting it in our area was privately, and the only private schools in the area were single sexed. So that was how things played out. I didn’t like it, bit just wanted to please…</p>




    • #62482

      Hi everyone. It was about age 4 or 5 for me when I knew “something’s wrong”. Then I just had cascading confusion up to about age 10 or 11, when I also started to have sexual feelings and fantasies about being a woman, and having sex with a man. And then realised how difficult my life was going to be.

      Kind of odd memory… my birth name has a shortened form which is gender ambiguous. My parents had invited over an adult friend who didn’t know me, and I was introduced just before bed-time in pyjamas, without wearing glasses. The friend said ” You’re a pretty little girl aren’t you?” I immediately replied “I’m a boy; I’ve got one of these” pointing between my legs, much to my parents’ embarrassment, and the friends, and then mine.

      But then it struck me afterwards that “Hey I liked being called a girl”, then “Hey I liked being thought of as pretty”, then in shock “I kind of wish I was a girl” but then – with utter confusion “There is something wrong with my answer. The reason I gave for being a boy doesn’t sound right”.

      There was another moment about the same time. I’d go swimming with my mum and dad: with my mum, I’d get changed in the girls’ room and I noticed I was preferring that to changing with my dad. I also noticed the swimsuits vs ttrunks, then asked why I didn’t have a swimsuit and could I have one. When I got old enough, and was told I now had to use the boys’ changing room and bathrooms, I didn’t like it. And never have done since.

      I spent a lot of time up to age 9 playing with girls, which I preferred a lot to playing with boys. My ratio of girl friends to boy friends was about five to one, and my closest friends were girl neighbours who also went to the same school as me. They were older than me, but I was put up a year at school, so we were in the same class. I noticed that their lives : toys, clothes, skipping games, ballet lessons etc were pretty different to mine and my brother’s, and I preferred their way. I asked my mum and dad from time to time if I could have that, or why boys weren’t allowed to do that, and got a lot of frowns, conversation stoppers and changes of subject. I asked for a leotard, of course wasn’t allowed one, and made my own out of a long vest and a safety pin. It felt inadequate and I felt guilty about doing something I knew my mum and dad wouldn’t approve of.

      I think if I hadn’t then suddenly been dumped in an all-boys school, I would have learned faster, but it just mixed me up further. To be fair though, my family and the state system wasn’t coping very well with my abilities (in maths and science I was put into classes 2 to 3 years ahead of my age, feeling very out of place and getting bullied). My parents and grandfather decided I needed selective education, the only way of getting it in our area was privately, and the only private schools in the area were single sexed. So that was how things played out. I didn’t like it, but just wanted to please…

    • #62534

      Actually, I didn’t know what I was….but as a very young child…in my very earliest recollections…I knew I was attracted to feminine things and evidently it was noticed, because some of my other very early recollections were feeling of disapproval.

      Many decades later I learned the words and learned that it wasn’t a defect, a perversion or a crime.

    • #81728
      Dee Stroya

      I was about 5 when I was told in no uncertain terms that I was a boy and boys didn’t do this, that and whatever else. After that discussion I wasn’t allowed to play with the girls that I had been playing with for as long as I could remember.

      I figured at some point I would most likely become a girl. Still surprised that didn’t just happen. Lol.

      I was about 9 or so when I saw transsexuals on the Phil Donahue show and 20/20. Great, now I knew who and what I was and how family and society would react to me.

      Fast forward 40 more years and I’m here. Society has changed, family has changed. and I am far less fearful about moving forward. I am glad to be here.

    • #82652

      I knew when I was just 5 years of age. There was a little girl who lived next door and we were friends. I loved trying on her dresses and I once dressed up and went to tell my Mom I was really a girl. My Mother freaked out telling me how wrong it was for me to wear girls dresses and never to do it again because I was a boy. Needless to say I felt terrible and believed there was something wrong with me because of the way I felt. That was 54 years ago, I am now 59 yrs old and Mom is 86 and she still refuses to accept me as I am. I live and work 24/7, 365 as myself, hiding it from no one. I am now a very confident, pansexual transexual woman who is proud to be who I am and I will never hide who or what I am ever again.
      And for those of you considering “coming out”, I found that the more confident I became, the more I presented myself as I felt, the more I was just me, the more acceptance I received by everyone everywhere. Strangers treat and respect me as a woman and my days of looking “pretty”, have passed leaving me in a cloud of weight problems, scars and a wonderful ” bowling ball figure”, but I am all girl, inside this part male, part female body, but I am so, so happy to be able to be myself and not feel the need to hide from anyone!!!
      I am always here to help anyone who has the desire to live as themselves but are too afraid. Message me and lets talk!!

    • #82743

      I guess i knew about age 8 but did not know the word to describe me.  I played with boys and did boy thing but i never felt comfortable doing it either.  My best memories of growing upwas when i played with the girls.  I ENJOYED PLAYING HOUSE, ENJOYED BEING THE nurse in doctor nurse game, enjoyed playing with Barbies.  I ENJOYED LEARNING TO COOK, SEW AND IRON AND TAKE CARE OF HOUSE INSIDE.  Those are happy memories for me.  I finally learned i was trans when i met a trans woman  in high school.  We never had sex but she still taught me the art of being woman.  I was16  she was first person i was ever *out* to.  Being trans and learning yourself is not easy at any time  and it still goes on.  It always will.  I live as woman  but am still  learning myself.  I am happy and comfortable.  We may take long time tolearn the term for how we feel but that is only the start  it is NOT the end step  only the first.

    • #83321

      I have to be honest, this is a topic that I find I badger myself over often. For many years I’ve coveted those that knew (without a doubt) so early on. I honestly can’t say “I Knew” so young but I think that’s because I never allowed myself to go there. I was raised in a very religious family. I do have a faint memory of being in the kitchen with my mom and sister and pressing a hairbrush against myself and saying “Look I have a peepee!” and getting a spanking for it after. I was known as the tom boy and I LOVED sports and running with the boys. The one thing I can surely state is that I’ve always loved girls lol but thats a separate topic. But I guess at an early age I denounced all thought that God could be wrong in creating me. I didn’t fully realize until I was in my early 20s. I think I was just at an age to understand the complexity of the world and those that interpret it. The truth is, we can beat ourselves up about pretty much anything now so I try to let it go. But I truly think it was always in there.

    • #83437

      At age 4 my main playmate Jean wore her hair in long braids almost every day. Jean was a tomboy and often visited me with my bigger play yard and possibly for my more interesting toys. I don’t remember that I was envious but I could not have helped but notice that when her mom braided Jean’s hair she was getting attention of a kind that I couldn’t.

      At age 6 in school in England I noticed that a boy classmate had bobby pins in his hair to hold his cap, and envied that he was wearing definitively girl things. When we returned to Canada own hair was for me, long. Left with my grandmother, I asked her to put bobby pins in my hair, which she did. I couldn’t sense them in place, nor that they fell out. Shortly later on a rural vacation I put hay on my head and told my parents that this was how I would look as a girl. I wasn’t clear that this was how I wanted to look. Instead my dad cut my hair military-short for years. During age 7 I often daydreamed that some magical machine would give me long braids and a dress; not of becoming a girl, only of looking like one. This daydream ceased. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    • #83441

      I guess that I was not as “aware” as most at an early age. I answered “6-10”, but that was when I first started to realize that I thought, and acted, differently than I was “supposed to”. I always had an affinity for my mother. The way she carried herself. The soft spoken, yet straightforward, character that she was. I would sit and watch her put on her makeup every day, and we would chat. I would get up at 5am (what kid gets up that early without a cattleprod?!) when she was getting ready for work and I would join her at the kitchen table to drink coffee and watch the sun rise. She would chuckle and pour me a cup. It felt so right to emulate her, and not my father. I did not see a difference between us…I didn’t think in terms of male/female…and I wanted to learn from her. To be like her. I was a kid trying to be an adult, and she was my role model.

      From my parent’s eyes, that was just a kid trying to act all grown up. The lipstick incident at 5 may have been the first telltale. The stocking incident at 5? 6? was probably the second sign. (Why did I just imagine hearing a man with a country accent say, “There’s yer sign!”?) There were tea parties with my sisters which I absolutely loved btw. Playing house with them I always got shafted into being “Dad” or “Husband” which irritated me to no end. How come I couldn’t play the “Mom”, or the “Wife”? More signs. Still no idea that I was “weird”. My sisters were just unfair, lol. Mom would gently coax me (sometimes with the useful end of a broom) to go outside and play with the boys from across the street. I didn’t want to. They wanted to box which basically meant hurting me and I spent all day with a headache. Or they wanted to play football which meant hurting me and I spent all day with a headache and sore ribs. Or they wanted to play BB gun wars which meant we all went home hurting….lol cuz I was always a crack shot! But I didn’t have any desire to do the things that the boys did. I did enjoy what the girls were in to. So I would always stray back into their world.

      Until my father saw. I won’t get into detail about exactly HOW my father explained that my actions had embarrassed him and revolted him but I knew THEN that I was wrong/broken/weird/unwanted/freakish. I still didn’t KNOW that I wanted/needed to BE a girl, a woman, feminine. Just that I didn’t want to be like him or the boys and that I wanted to be like the girls and Mom.

      The “Barbie” doll incident was fun. Aunt buys big brother a Barbie camper with “Ken” doll for Christmas, and bought me same Barbie camper with…yep…”Barbie”. (Think maybe Auntie saw the true me?) I LOVED IT! Gawd I thought she was so pretty. She had big blue eyes like mine! Then Dad walked in….BLAM! BOOM!! KeRpOW!!!! “What the (expletive) are you doing with that (expletive) doll?! No (expletive) son of mine is gonna be no (expletive)(expletive)(expletive)!!There were many incidents where my actions brought the wrath of masculinity down upon my head and I began to learn how to camouflage myself in the “mask” of masculinity. I became exceedingly good at hiding her inside. I fought a lot as I grew up…not out of bullying or anger…but out of defense. “Don’t back down, don’t let them see your weakness.” I got good at fighting. I got a reputation as being “tough”, which to me translated into “omg it worked and they don’t realize you’re not like them.” Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong.

      Long story short, this went on. I joined the military and got really good at hiding in plain sight. I did my job with empathy and a nurturing methodology that earned me scorn from many other male leaders, but with results that they couldn’t deny. SHE was there every step of the way but acting from the shadows. After 25 years I retired, I had never married, and all of a sudden with nobody around to “prove” myself to…I let her out (or she broke out?). It was THEN that I started to look at everything and realized that I have always been her. That I wasn’t broken/weird/whateverignorantscalledme. I was just me. Feminine, girly, sissy, emotional, sympathetic, empathetic, and fun loving, me. The signs were always here and there, but truly the realization came at 50. The mask is off and it’s never going back on.

      I apologize…I’m still so (expletive) emotional and this was just supposed to be a quick note to participate but somehow I told my life story. There is so much more but I think that I went a bit off the deep end already. I so wish I had had the level of insight that some of you have indicated at such early ages. I was oblivious to gender, or sex, until I was a teen. There are many events mentioned in this post that echo, resonate, with me though. Thank you all so very much for opening your hearts and sharing with such courage. It bolsters me to be sure. (As evidenced by this verbose note lol!)

      Much love and admiration,


    • #85738

      I wasn’t aware of it as a young child, but there were some signs that I ignored when I was younger. I was always a more emotional child, and I still snuggled with my stuffed animals when I was 14, only giving them up because my dad forced me to. In tv, movies and video games, I always had an affinity for female heroes, and not for sexual reasons. I also had an affinity for toys aimed at girls. I asked for the “old-style” GI Joes in order to “play with barbies” without appearing “queer” I never really thought there was any difference between boys and girls growing up. I thought it was something we were labeled as a child, and there was nothing I could do about it.

      Around the age of 12, I started thinking I’d be happier as a woman. But I thought there was nothing I could do about it. I cared more about fitting in with classmates than expressing myself. Part of me was worried that anything beyond having a successful job was disappointing my parents. I focused on the academics and refused to take any classes that were “unproductive” I did my best to hide my feelings from the world, but by the time I went to college, I struggled to keep my emotions repressed. In secret, I explored gender transformation fiction and lamented my (growing male) changing body.

      After I came home from college (2013), I started seeing a psychologist for depression. He did his best to have me open up, but I was too scared about what society would think of me to truly open up to him.

      It wasn’t until 2019 that I grew enough courage to try to be myself. I met another person who was transitioning, and began to talk about my own issues with her. I had a place where I felt safe to try being myself.

      April 14, 2019 was the day that it all really clicked for me. I was 24 going on 25. My friend and I got a bra, and another supportive friend taught me how to do makeup.

      When I saw myself in the mirror for the first time, everything suddenly made sense.

      So, in short, it depends on when you define when. I was 12 when I started thinking I wasn’t who I should be, but it wasn’t until I was 24 when I pieced it all together.

    • #85793

      This is very recent for me. It was only March this year when I came out to my wife as a lifelong CD at the age of 49. This then coincided with 10+ weeks of no work, no travel and no dressing during the COVID-19 lockdown; cue a very intense period of self discovery, reading, listening, researching, finding CDH and then this place and then therapy. Conclusion: maybe there were signs earlier, but I now have very little doubt that I am transgender.
      So from closet CD to trans with an appointment with the endocrinologist in < 4 months. It’s been a pretty wild ride… hold on to your hats, there’s still a way to go 💕👗

    • #86089

      I remember at the age of 4 asking, “Mommy… why do I feel like a girl?” I spent a lot of my time wearing my sister’s clothes, getting into make-up, and walking around the house in my mom’s shoes. My mother created this myth about my birth. She would tell me that in her belly I was a girl, but she wanted to have a baby boy, so she prayed to God to make me a boy. That kept my questions at bay for a while. But then when I was a teenager, I was looking through my baby album. I looked at my birth announcement and it read that I was their daughter. It freaked me out! So on came more questions. My mother and father wouldn’t talk about it. They would change the subject, get angry with me, or just pretend like they didn’t hear my questions. It also didn’t help that I was having dreams where I could feel my vagina and my penis was gone. My teenage fantasies included me as a girl with guys that I would crush on. Overtime, my family labeled me a gay man and I went along with it. Then in my 20s my family found God and going along with them I thought that would set me straight. So I surrendered everything and gave the straight life a try. Let’s just say that didn’t work out. On my 30th birthday, I met my husband and we have been together for 18 years as a loving gay couple. He has always known my transgender identity existed, I was honest about that with him and over the years it would appear that I would never act on it. However, I feel like it’s time to transition. He’s not thrilled with the idea, but he’s not running away either. We are working through it. He was really upset about it until he spoke with my therapist. So we shall see how it goes.

      • #90911

        I´m new in this world.

        But pretty fast I found out that:

        Gay´s don´t like trans. (they are to much like girls)
        Transes willl fuck anything with a dick or maybe even girls. (that ‘s me)
        Hetro´s will fuck transes. But they won´t talk about it.
        Bisexuals will fuck gays, girls, transes and some of the letters that I hav ‘nt found about yet.

        I guess this post is gonna roast me!!

        • #91072

          Wow, and I thought that I was cynical sometimes. My experience with lesbians has been different. I have many lesbian friends, probably more than trans friends. All of my lesbian friends have been very sweet and supportive and helped me with my transition. However, I will acknowledge that I don’t know any feminist lesbians which is where I think the problem is.

    • #86157

      I was way too young to know how old I was when I knew.  For as long as i can remember, I knew I wasn’t put together right.  Of course, I had no words or context that could help me understand what was “wrong”, until some years later.  I was caught and shamed frequently by my  parents for wearing my sister’s clothes, and that drove me deep underground, and I internalized their rejection as being a “badness” within my character.

      It was not until my late teens when I heard about Virginia Prince and Christine Jorgensen, and I began to understand the situation.  Of course, adolescence led to sexualizing the dressing up, and brief bouts of pleasure followed by guilt and shame.  About age 30, I began to explore my real self in Northern California and the Bay area.  Hormone treatment was rare and extremely expensive;   not an option at the time.

      After some years of this, followed by almost 2 decades of increasing addiction issues, I moved to my current location in Oklahoma.  I put aside all TG activities when I met my SO and raised a wonderful family.  I was happy to do so, but also was conflicted because I knew I was not being my true self.  Still, I kept my commitment with her and in hindsight, I am glad I did.

      When she was stricken with terminal cancer, she was wonderful enough to let me know that she knew I was not completely happy, and that she expected me to live the life I needed to live.  I slowly began to, but respected her wish not to be part of it.  Now, I am on the way home to the life I should have been born into.

      So in answer to the main question, I have always known that I am Carly.

    • #89377

      I was born in the early 70’s so I wasn’t very old when I heard the news report about the first transexual operation in Tiland and thought wow they have a way to fix me some day ( still waiting on that day ). Needles to say my mother wasn’t none to happy to put up with my alternative life style of wanting to be a girl and crushed it into the ground to the point that I subconsciously bared it for 30 plus years tell I had that ureka moment and it all came back now I know who and what I truly am.

      By for now

    • #90882

      I am not sure of the age, but was fairly young probably around 8 -10. I was always fascinated by the woman’s section of the Sear catalog, i remember reading everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask. First  time i ever heard the term TV or Transsexuals’, from that point i couldn’t get enough info on the subject. I was also during this time sneaking into my mothers room and trying on her clothes  and always loved it, but back then reassure my self i was only doing it to get myself excited. But time went on and i tried to deny it and like most but it would come back with a vengeance.

      Now at age 61 i started HRT and i finally feel right.

    • #91085
      Liz K

      I knew when I was 4 or 5 that I was different. It took another 5 decades for me to admit I was trans. Better late than never!

    • #91097

      Wow! What a lot of response to this question.

      Hello! Everybody. I only Knew I was transgender late in life at 54 in fact. Yes! I Crossdressed for many years from going to Secondary School in fact but had earlier instances and leanings well before that. My gender dysphoria got worse after my mothers passing and my partner could see this and actually took me to a regressive hypnosis session. It highlighted I was Female when I was last reincarnated here last. Many of us have ten reincarnations on this earth she said.

      We have energy that overlaps from one regeneration or incarnation to the next. This is why I expect that so many of us have felt locked into the wrong body and have or thinking of transitioning.

      Would  I change anything? In many ways I wish had transitioned many years back but my circumstances where well different to now but my transition would have been easier.

      Lots of Love! Jessica R.

    • #91103

      well at 4 i just knew something was different i started to play dress up and that when the dreams started about me waking up and being a girl like the other girls

    • #91302

      know i was trans? no. that was a journey…. but i did know puting on my moms nighty, made me feel amazing and curios. at 6 years old.


    • #91310

      Like so many others have mentioned, I did not know that I was “transgender” at the age that I began experimenting and playing with gender, but I did know that I felt more female than male.

      I have vivid memories of dressing up like Stevie Nicks when my parents would watch her concert on video and when I was 4 or 5 that was all acceptable and I thought nothing of it. Up until I was about 8 or 10 I regularly played dress up with my older sister and wore women’s clothes and heels and it felt totally natural. At 10 or so was when members of my family began to tell me, “boys don’t do this.” And all of my favorite shoes and dresses from the box disappeared mysteriously.

      As a result of the criticism, I regressed for many years and tried to ignore my true gender identity, but in college when I was finally free and alone to experiment again, did I begin to realize that this was not a phase or something I could ignore.

      There were many more years of going back and forth but now I feel committed to myself and want to feel like I am in the proper skin at long last.

    • #91327

      to be honest i did know anything about being a Transgender at 4 the only thing i knew was like being a girl it was how i felt i was i would get dressed in girl clothes and mother and father had film of me dressed up and i did it on my own and as i got older i keep doing it but not openly as i did at 4 and when i was a teenager my mother told me to buy my on clothes if i was going to continue wearing women clothes and i did buy them i never felt depressed when i was dress as a women it is how i felt as myself in women clothes

    • #91681

      Like many of you I realized I like wearing my mom’s clothes playing dressup with my older sister when I was 4. We got caught by my mom enough times that when I was 6 they started having counseling for me and one thing led to another with counselors and therapists who at first thought I was just a crossdresser, but eventually my therapist thought it was more complicated than that. He had no experience with anyone being trans, but his partner had one trans patient so switched me to seeing her. So through therapy with her we kinda figured all this out together that I was trans. She talked to my parents about this and once they realized this was serious for me they said they loved me and supported me. All this happened happened when I was like 8-11. So when i was 12, I started on blockers and later hormones and let my hair grow long. I was mostly dressing as a girl at home and one day when we were on vacation, they decided since no one knew us, it was a chance to see if I could pass in public. I did. At at 15 we moved across town and that was the summer we moved across town where no one in our new neighborhood knew us. So that is when I went full time. A layer my dad knew got my name legally changed and I started high school in the Fall as a girl. Not always easy, but I never been so happy. At least until the pandemic hit and school closed. Hope this gets over soon so I can go back to school, see my friends and graduate this spring.

    • #92111

      When I was 3 (In 1969) I got to go play with other kids on the block. It just so happened that I chose girls to play with. Heck, they thought i was just another girl anyway. I looked like one with short hair. Yep, I got in trouble for not finding boys to play with.

      When I found boys to play with it wasn’t fun.

      After bedtime, I would wrap a bed sheet around myself and pretend it was a dress. It was the best I could do. When my adoptive parents put on beauty pageants on TV, the dysphoria hit hard. I could only wish I could grow up to be like them.

      It got even worse by the time I got into Kindergarten. By then, the school was calling home because I played more with the girls than the boys. The boys only wanted to beat me up.

    • #92206

      When I was 11 I would try on my sister’s clothes.  It was thrilling for me to wear lingerie and dresses and I longed to go out dressed as a girl.  My sister found out what I was doing and she threatened to tell our Mom if I didn’t stop.  I guess she took pity on me and she gave me her old clothes if I would promise that I would wear only what was in the two lower drawers and the things in the very back of her closet with tape on the hangers.  I was ecstatic and I finally got up the nerve to ask her to help me with makeup.  She said she would if I bought my own and she gave me some of her old mascara, eye shadow, an old eyebrow pencil and I gave her money to buy eyeliner, lip gloss, lip liner and foundation.

      Well, needless to say I was now dressing whenever I could.  Because I couldn’t drive yet, I asked her if she would take me shopping at a mall near us and I went with her dressed in a wrap skirt, sweater, opaque tights and mules.  She told me not to talk out loud and I would probably pass.  She let me use one of her purses and a car coat and told me if I sat down to keep my legs together , cross them at the ankle or knee and to keep my hands in my lap unless I was doing something.  She also told me to take little steps and to keep my shoulders back.  Now I wanted to go out dressed as a girl whenever I could, which, sadly, was not that often.

    • #92391

      When I was around 6 I thought that I was meant to have been born a girl.

      When I was a teenager I tried to block it out and pushed it into background. I spent most of my life doing this, I often when alone would dress feminine. I couldn’t block it out completely ever. After I turned 50 or around there, I couldn’t block it out anymore. I created a second wardrobe for the other me and dressed as a woman more often as each year passed.

      I dress fully as a woman often now’s and only wear woman’s undergarments. I did start to grow small breasts.around 5 years ago. But I stopped as I became fearfully of what others would think.

      I think most of the t me now, everyday that I should have.keot going and would like to have a feminine figure and live as a female. But too scared to do it due to my thoughts of what others will think. Am struggling a lot now as to what I should do.

      • #92508
        Cassie Grey

        I think your experience is about as common to many of us as it can get. Know your feelings are not alone.

    • #92582

      Before I was 14 there were times I enjoyed or joined in usually feminine gendered activities or stuff, but it was around one winter when I was 14 that I remember feeling envious of girls.  I even lay awake one night literally praying to God to turn me into a girl in my sleep so I would wake up and be able to live life as a girl.
      Because it didn’t happen, I got depressed and found things to distract me in life.  A little bit of that feeling came out every year to 18 months but I lumped the feeling in with other things, other stressors.  I continually felt disconnected from guy culture and felt worse for being held at a distance around girls, except the few brave and accepting souls that became my friends.
      My friendships with guys were usually more or less comradery masked with common interest in the same activities, no real connection from their end.
      My first year after graduating high school, one of my “friends” went as a drag queen for his Halloween costume (not a real drag queen, mind you) and I asked one of my other friends (a young woman) if I could dress up like a woman and we (a mutual lady friend of ours) could go on a “ladies’ night” out.  Despite that idea being shot dead, I started to really feel something connecting with it all.  By the time I reached 20, I was certain that some miracle was going to happen and I would be a woman (I seriously had no clue about the trans community at that time; very sheltered in 1999).  But, even after getting a purposefully woman’s hair style done with my hair and dying it the same color as a gender-bending anime character in the hat tip to their ability to change into a woman at will, I was left to return to the cycle.  But, before I knew what transgender or gender dysphoria was, I had an idea, just not a reality where anyone else felt like that.
      Thank you all for welcoming me here!

    • #93341

      Well to be honest I didn’t know what transgender meant till I started to come online. I fall somewhere in the trans line someone, Just don’t know where, nor do I care to know. It’s just another name to call another human.

      But If I had to pinpoint down to a time I would say somewhere after my first wife left me. It didn’t sink in right away, I remember denying it, lying to myself, and just contently beating myself up.

      It got so bad, that depression and heavy drinking was starting to take hold. Then one day something inside me snapped, and I started to put the pieces together. I’m running my life though my head and I came to realize. That I have been doing this a very long time and I matter what I was not going to stop.

      When I finely crawled out of the bottle, The new Hippie was born and came to terms with it. So with that said I guess I would say I was about 26 years old. I’m not 100% sure on the year. For two years I was a big drunk and trying to kill myself though drinking.

      Back then I never heard of the term Crossdressing or Transgender. It wasn’t till I got the Internet and started to look stuff up. This was in the late 90s and the internet was new. That when I found out about these words and labels. I always thought I was sicko and weirdo, before then.



    • #93510

      Actually I started realizing at the age of 7 that I was was a transgender my mom tried to get me dolls I did not like them I wanted to play with trucks action figures and stuff then when my mom put a dress on me I would take it off and wear my bros old clothes then try to join all sports did not care if I was a girl the girls would make fun of me and stuff they would call me a boy when I would play house I would be the dad or brother

    • #93518

      I knew that I wanted to be a girl by the time I was in Kindergarden. When I was in Junior High I was trying on my mom’s clothes and I was secretly hoping to become a girl.

    • #93774

      i was in a school play at age 12 and had to wear green tights. i was hooked from there. wanted to  try on more female clothing and soon i was hooked all the way. but my x dressing went away for a few years and came back stronger. so now i have my own collection of nylons, bra’s , panties, dresses, skirts blouses, make up, perfume, ear rings, all colors of nail polish and some heels, but hard to find the right size for me in woman’s heel department.

    • #94939

      As soon as I heard Renee Richards being talked about on the radio, I had the word for it.

      I knew it wasn’t usual to stuff a teddy bear under my pajamas and pretend I was pregnant, or to be fussed at for using markers to put makeup on my teddy bear.   But I didn’t have the words for it until then.

    • #94943

      In mothers 6″ heels at age 3 (photograph)… in mothers silky panties at 5… didn’t have a clue at that point. Wearing mothers bras at 10 y/o (Developed Gynecomastia). Knew something was a little different at that point. Wore wife’s bras for the longest time…

      Separated in 2014 (not dressing related)… started to develop my Gen Persona. Clothes, makeup, nails/polish, wig, shoes…

      Pesent day… 57 y/o TG. Has been quite the Journey so far.


      Gen ❤

    • #95859

      At the age of 4 before going to school, I was in my mom’s wardrobe and imagined myself wearing my mom’s green dress. My mother was looking for me and found me in my wardrobe. Strangely since that moment I feel awkward even though she didn’t know anything about it … Soon after at the same age, I was at my grandmother’s house and I was playing with boys from the neighborhood and they were disguising themselves as girls for fun . There was a crate of old girl’s clothes and I was in a panic about dressing like a girl. As if I already knew it was not accepted. For me it was not a game. To this day I still have this feeling.


      • #124184

        Hi Sophie, I know this is an old post, but I can relate to the sheer terror of being found out when young. I don’t know what age I was, but my sibs and I were getting ready for trick or treat. Someone (older sis or my mom) thought I should dress up as a girl or ballerina or something. I remember screaming and crying as they tried to put some white opaque tights on me. I doubt I wore that outfit – I don’t remember anything else but that one scene. I do know that it was because I didn’t want to be found out – that I already liked girls’ clothes and wanted to be a girl. You see, my parents were hyper-religious and made Archie Bunker look like a liberal. So I would have endured much pain and shame to “cure” me.

        It took 60 years to shed all that BS and begin my transition journey!

    • #95877

      Hi, I’m new to all of this but I feel that I should share my limited experience as best as I can. I voted between 6-10, but realistically it is difficult to pinpoint. I remember always playing with the girls in my junior school days, making daisy chains on the school green with them and at this point I didn’t think anything of it. I was just doing what I was doing and that was it really. It was only after ALL the boys in my year group and beyond cooking up to me one by one and teasing me mercilessly about how wrong it was of me to be doing that.

      ‘You should be playing football with us, not this wussy stuff ‘

      Eventually I gave in and joined the boys, I couldn’t take the harassment anymore. My teachers tried to reassure me that it was ok, but I wasn’t buying it. But I carried on anyway, and joined in with the boyish antics of the school yard and it never felt right. I didn’t fit in, no matter how hard I tried. But by this point it was all I knew, and so I carried on. All through high school it was the same. Teenagers have a nasty habit of picking up on the fact that someone is different (even if they don’t know what that difference is) and tormenting that person (me in this instance). Again, I had my little group of girl friends and that was the only thing that kept me same three those years. Throughout it all though, I knew someone was wrong…terribly wrong. But I couldn’t figure it out. After high school and into college, things went from bad to worst. I became nervous, anxious, just wanted to be alone all the time. That was until I meet to oddest group of people I have ever met. The self-proclaimed rejects of society. I seemed to fit here pretty well as it turned out, but the hurt inside didn’t go away. Eventually I found myself in the Alternative/Metal scene. It was the perfect outlet at the time. I channelled all my hurt, pain, sadness and suffering through the music. I think that that’s the only reason im still standing. But many years later (after a semi drink/ drug problem), the penny finally dropped, and this realisation bit me like a truck.

      I’ve been back and forth in my mind of this for so long, that I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel like there was something up. But I’m here now, taking things one day at a time.

    • #96219

      I think I first knew when I was about 6 years old when my older sisters dressed me up in girls clothes often for fun. I never objected and I actually enjoyed it. When I was 12 I went to a Halloween costume roller skate party dressed up as a girl and one of my older sisters applied the makeup (I actually won the contest). I greatly enjoyed the feeling of being in girls’ clothing and the attention I received from it. It felt so comfortable and like it was displaying who I really was inside. Fortunately, I never received any crap about it from my male friends because I was also very involved in guys activities through school. Funny, posting this is kind of therapeutic! Thanks for letting me share this little bit! ❤️

    • #96245
      Jess Mor

      This is an old post and probably sure no one is going to read it. Me I knew before 5 I was a girl. I felt it, I knew it and I had no doubts. However, by 1972 all the girls my age and I decided to go to the pond to go swimming. I was the only one that did not look like the rest but it did not matter. We had fun just playing in the water and being ourselves then our parents showed up. Yep after that the beatings started I was going to learn how to be a man because I was different and I could not hang out with my friends anymore. I did not know what what was wrong but I was in trouble for it. I remember spending a lot of time getting reprogrammed to be the man everyone expected me to be. When I would not conform I was taken to a special site to be hypnotized and possibly an extended stay if I still thought I was a girl. It is amazing when you add pain to the learning process how fast you learn what to do and how to act and how to read others. Anyway, I did not do well in school I had no friends and I was afraid to hang with the girls. So the wonderful school system decided I needed to be under another microscope. I got tested through out the year and put in the hall while they talked with my parents. They could not understand why a person with a 160 IQ could not do good in school and why I had NO friends. Well the reprogramming started again lmao. I passed and moved on and in high school did not fit in there either. All my friends were girls and I identified with them and they accepted me. Well the high school beatings began by the boys in the school this time. I just got really mean and hateful and somewhat a legend in the worst way possible I returned the beatings but slightly more brutal and not on a 10 to 1 scale like they did to me but a 1 to 1 scale.  25 years later I was talking with my mother, dad and my mothers boyfriend. Odd but they all got along and we started talking about when I was growing up. It was the good times not the bad ones and there were some good ones. I mentioned the hospital room I was born in what I could see out the window. What the people were wearing and what they said. Where it was located and where you could see it from the road when passing. My mother mentioned how can you possibly remember this? My moms boyfriend started calling BS and my dad asked me pointed questions that I answered correctly. After proving that I did remember everything in detail they got quiet. However by this time I had a wife, son, career and a house so I was the man that I was expected to be. They were floored when I finally mentioned to them Yes, I am still a girl I have always been one. Fast forward again I have been married many years I have a son that is 27 and I am finally free to be me and my wife of 30 years is helping me be the woman I always was but could never be. I guess the point I am trying to make is knowing your gender is one thing being able to live it is another and NEVER give up trying to be the person that you know you are EVER.

    • #96425

      I knew that I wished to be a girl at somewhere around age 8 or 9 and secretly cross dressed but didn’t understand what that was. (1970s) and quickly suppressed /denied it for most of my life. It popped up here and there until I was 53 when I realized I couldn’t deny it any more and accepted it then.


    • #100864

      This is a complicated question for me. I’ve always known I was “different”, I didn’t well fit the mold of a boy, I was too soft, too emotional, too empathetic; most traditional boy activities held little appeal for me.

      I was always fascinated by stories of transformation, and felt very interested in any sort of gender bending or transgressive people or roles or activities I encountered.

      But I had no labels or context in which to pull all that into some kind of coherent narrative for myself.

      As I got older and learned more about trans folk and the possibilities of transition, I found the notion  of pursuing transition appealing, but balked at the potential familial, social, and employment repercussions. I also told myself I’d make an ugly woman.

      The watershed came a few years back (ca. 2015, at age 55), when in a therapy session I suddenly blurted out “You know, I’ve never much liked being a man.” My therapist, bless her, didn’t let me just sweep that back under the carpet as was my initial impulse.

      We kept exploring the issue and eventually I came to the realization that something needed to change, so I started putting things into place to change my situation and get myself to an environment that would support me in transitioning.

      I got there in April of 2018, started active transition that June, started HRT that September, and came out at my job that October and have been living as Stef 24/7 ever since.

      I have never looked back and my main source of dysphoria today are the times when I have to pretend to be him in order to accomplish certain legal or financial tasks (I haven’t yet pursued legal transition, that’s the next big hurdle on my agenda).

      And, guess what? I don’t make an ugly woman! I think I’m cute AF when I’m dolled up, and I increasingly see Stef in the mirror even when I’m not dressed explicitly en femme.


    • #100872

      I knew when I was a child I wished I’d been born a girl, I used to dress up in my sisters clothes until she caught me one day, she was merciless with the p##s taking about it, so much so that I was in my early 20s before I dressed up again and that was to see the rocky horror show, the feeling of wishing i was a girl never went away but the embarrassment of being laughed at meant I didn’t do anything about it, however as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to care less what other people think and at 40 now I’m only just starting to embrace who I really am.

      • #100882

        Hi Toni, Lukcia here.  You are doing well.  At forty years of age, you were transgender before significant social acceptance occurred.  The 1980’s were not a forgiving years except in isolated hubs of LGBT activity.  I am almost 30 years older than you, and I have always accepted who I was, but lived in an unaccepting world.  Find confidence in who you are now.  Continue to not care what other people think, but a better goal would be to fully own who you are, confidently move through your life as Toni; then you can stop not-caring what they think.  You should come to a point where people think of you as you think of you.  So, think the very best of yourself, live your truths, be proud, embrace Toni.

        Of course I won’t recommend doing the “Happy-Girl” dance in a cowboy bar at Texas A&M.



        • #100887

          Thank you Lukcia, I know what you mean about the 80s, I live in a working class town in the north east of England and things could be brutal here back in the 80s, it’s a lot better here now but I’ve lived here for 40 years as a bloke and everyone knows me as that so I’m not sure how much acceptance I’d get off people here (I’m hoping to be pleasantly surprised), I still present as male in public, a few of my close friends know but that’s it at the moment, I’m coming out to people one at a time and I’m expecting it to be a long journey and I just hope it goes as smoothly as possible x

          • #100900

            Hi Toni… Lukcia again,

            I can’t tell you I followed my own advice, but I wish I did.

            I presented myself to my father once, and he took me outside and threatened to kill me if I was queer.

            I stayed away from him from then on, that was 1978, and I never talked to him again.  I never tried to slowly have him see me.  He died in 2008 and I didn’t attend his funeral.

            I came out to my older brother Jim in 1995.  He acted tolerant, but told the family of the pervert.

            Over the years I confided my desire to be a girl with very few, and lost almost every friend I had.  I had to sit down and analyze why they all immediately ran from me.  I learned that they were never my friends, we shared the bullshit of “man-dom”.  Stupid shit we all knew we didn’t actually believe in.  Our intimacy was the “Too Frequent” high-fives.

            I waited so long to let those I thought were my friends to know about me slowly, respectfully; what a waste of time.

            Go see your doctor, come out fully to your doctor.  Seek psychological advice from an actual psychologist.  Then come out: come out modestly, tastefully: but come out.  Your true friends will stick by you, your false friend will depart quickly.

            Don’t be afraid, don’t go to cowboy bars at Texas A&M, plan on watching as your long established social circle disintegrates.  Take your time, let people come to you and express support, let a new social circle surround you with truth and love instead of bullshit and misogyny.

            It will happen.  Who you are was always there, a curtain of the girl to be.  Many already knew, more only suspected, a few that knew you truly were quietly waiting.

            Don’t make my mistake and crush the girl inside until they couldn’t hurt me any more.  I am 68, retired, safe, but really wish I had courage years ago.



          • #100907

            Thanks Lukcia im overwhelmed by the kindness and advice you’ve shown me, and I appreciate it very much, it sounds like it was a very hard transition for you, it makes my issues pale in comparison, I guess we all have worrys, I mean I dont worry about my father disowning me but he is quite old now (in his 80s ) and I’m more worried about the stress the shock would take on his health, I do fear my sister would act like your brother did and say one thing to my face and another behind my back, as far as my friends go I’ve told the ones im close too and they are being supportive so that’s one thing I’m relieved at, I think my main concern though is how it will affect my children, I’ve been go my gp and have been referred to a gender specialist however I’ve been told it’s a 2 year waiting list 😫 x

    • #100896

      Age 8,I knew I was really a girl inside and kept it in the closet.Finally came out in December of 2020 which I was glad to come out finally


    • #100911

      I knew I was different as far back as I can remember. I was unaware that transgendered people existed until I found out by accident while watching porn with a friend when I was 13. We raided his stepdad’s porn stash, and put an unlabeled VHS tape into the player, and that’s how I discovered that transgendered people existed. I went home that night and got on the internet and read everything that I could find about transgendered people. That is when it clicked, and I truly realized what my difference was. I knew I was different as far back as 8 or 9, but didn’t truly know I was trans until I was 13.

      • #110449

        I knew I wanted to be a girl at 3, but I didn’t realize how odd that was until I was 5.  And, I didn’t realize the significance to society in my culture of cross dressing and wanting desperately to be a girl until I was in 3rd grade.

        The was a bomb threat.  The whole class had to stand outside most of the day while dogs looked for the non-existent explosives.  We eventually started talking, and one of the boys started to describe what all of the other boys related to, but I didn’t.  I had a sudden sinking feeling.  I was very much NOT “normal” in a way that mattered a lot to most people.  The older I grew, the more apparently the significance of the difference between me and most boys was.

    • #110182

      I had the same dream each night starting around age 3 that I met a girl, and I wondered what it would be like to be a girl and she wondered what it would be like to be a boy; so we swapped.  And, then (in the dream) an adult came in the room and took me to fix my hair.  There I was with long curls, a dress, tights and Mary Janes.  I couldn’t go back to being a boy (both wasn’t offered the chance, and didn’t want to).

      I had that dream each night for years.  Nightly, I prayed to God that I would wake up a girl, but obviously that didn’t physically happen.  when I was 4 or 5 my babysitter asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I said I wanted to be a mommy.  she told me that I was a boy, and I couldn’t grow up to be a mommy, I would be a “daddy”.  That made me very unhappy.  It was the first time I realized that I wasn’t going to grow up to be a woman, a mom, etc..

      Then, when I was 5, my grandmother caught me (saw me wearing a dress).  She told me I was going to Hell because I was a “pervert”, and then read from the Bible to me.  That was heavy to carry around.

      I was baptized as soon as my church would let me (when I turned 6).  I prayed to God to save me from Hell, and make me not want to be a girl.  Obviously, that didn’t happen.  So, I have lived someone else’s life as best as I could.  I have considered myself to be playing the cards I was dealt.  Perhaps, playing them badly, but doing the best I can to try to make life work for me.

      The results have been hit and miss.

    • #110202

      [quote quote=100900]Don’t make my mistake and crush the girl inside until they couldn’t hurt me any more. I am 68, retired, safe, but really wish I had courage years ago.[/quote]
      On the other hand don’t go the other way unless you’re sure it’s safe. I left a conservative country town as I knew that I’d get into trouble at some stage. A few years later a suspected gay guy (he wasn’t) turned up dead and nobody knew anything about it. There was a similar incident just before Covid.

      I knew at age 6 that something wasn’t ‘normal’ but when we moved out to the 17th century shit-hole Natasha had to go in a deep dark place until I could get out. Now she is me and it gets a little better every day.

    • #110217

      I was 4 i knew it i told my mom,and I just didn’t have an outward feminine appearance, I was she all through school ,and I thought it was the worst secret I had growing up

    • #114330

      I always knew I wanted to be a woman I just never addressed it and learned the terminology until recently.

      • #124144

        A 🌹 is a 🌹 whatever one chooses to call it.  And will still smell as sweet.  Having the desire to wear female clothes from a very young age, and the feeling of normalcy doing so… probably the age of 6 or so.  The person looking back at me in the mirror was always a little girl that had grown into an older woman.

    • #122441

      I don’t think I really knew, never heard transgender until a few years ago.

      I just didn’t like boys games at school and I was never a team player. Boys never really took to me anyway, I was never one of the gang…and seen as a bit ‘odd’ and ‘girly’. I played mostly with the girls or a classmates sister…which is why I made friends with them usually. So I’m going to say 10yrs old I felt ‘not right.’
      I just kept plodding away at being a boy and wishing I could be a girl…which was a fantasy as far as I could see. I had no idea it was even possible. Gay and transvestite where the only terms I knew and the twisted view of mutilated males that society loved to preach.
      I was bi and rather naive and secretive…you had to be years ago. I always adored women and was popular but eventually realised (after they found out) the attraction wasn’t really sexual, I just wanted to be one of them. Now I am. x

      • #122584
        Toni Hill

        This is a question I find provokes a lot of thought and reflection on life’s journey so far. Really until recently I hadn’t realised I was actually trans. I have lived my life this far being unaware why I have felt so much dislike of my male exterior and never really fitted in with male company.  Looking back over the years I remember wishing I was a girl probably from about 5 or 6 that feeling has never left me but I had no knowledge of my being transgender. I repressed these feelings and got on with my male life. I have been married twice and together we raised 3 children. All my adult life I have cross dressed when alone but just thought it was a thing I enjoyed rather than being an expression of my gender. The feelings of gender dysphoria and desire to be female have increased so much over the past couple of years. I now believe the depression I have been treated for over the past 20 years is due to gender dysphoria. I’m now 60 and going through the steps to medically affirm my gender . Already taking these positive steps has helped.
        I guess my constant research on transition especially some of the content on YouTube has helped me realise my true self.
        In a nutshell, I have known something was not right with me since my childhood . I thought of myself as non binary about two years ago but now know I am transgender.

        • #126489

          Your story sounds so similar to mine. I did things that looking back are clear indicators but I never applied the transgender label to them. I haven’t started hormones yet, but I’m seeing a therapist and I’m trying to inform my wife and grown sons, but that has been rough going. So, hopefully this journey doesn’t end too soon. Best wishes to you.

    • #126235
      Lauren Mugnaia

      I have always had very feminine leanings and desires from an early age, I remember when I may have been ten or 11, standing in front of a full length mirror wearing a bra and tucking my male parts out of sight and wishing they weren’t there. I remember with great excitement putting on my mom’s lipstick and wearing her shoes and underwear whenever I had the opportunity. I have always felt like there was just something wrong and I never did fit in with the boys, almost all of my close friends were and still are, girls.  I guess you could say I have always known I was feminine but at that time the term transgender didn’t exist.

      • #126325

        💕 this.  My experience exactly.  It’s like being alive… you didn’t know what to call it, but were aware that you are.  Thank you for sharing.

      • #133831

        Same here Lauren.  I used to come  in from playing with the neighbor kids to “go to the bathroom” and stand on the toilet bowl with my genitals tucked between my legs in front of the bathroom mirror, loving how that looked and felt. Only difference was that I was not outwardly feminine. The very first time I tried on a feminine garment, I was caught by my mother and grandmother. They made fun of me and had a good laugh at this 4 or 5 year old little boy with his mother’s girdle having slid down to his ankles. I was mortified and from that moment on hid (or thought i hid them)  any feminine feelings I had.

        Always crossdressed and always denied I was trans until a year or so ago. Gender euphoria kicked in and I just know  that I have the soul of a woman whether I am dressed as one or not.

    • #128503

      My mother had wanted a daughter as opposed to a son.  However, she was very accepting of the fact that I showed girlish tendencies from an early age and never discouraged me from pursuing my soft feminine side.

    • #128527

      I know this is a pretty old thread, but it seems like the place to start. My earliest memories of gender dysphoria go back to the second grade, around 7 or 8 years old. I remember wanting to drees up like all the cute girls, and it really hit when I met my childhood best friend. we hit it off instantly and I started getting upset when he would start getting the attention of girls down the road. As an INFP I was always a little femmy growing up and would get teased as gay often. The older I got the tougher I acted to try and hide my true self. It’s been a long road from there to here, so I’ll save that for another post.

    • #131327

      I was five. In kindergaden and although i didnt fully understand why i was always intreged by the clothes the girls were wearing. The bright vibrite colors, dresses, skirts, the way there hair was styled. While other boys were running from the girls scared of cooties i was always playing with them. Having tea parties and playing with barbie dolls. Growing up in a house hold of nothing but boys on a farm i wasnt around girls so it was all new to me. I rember the first time i seen panties i was playing barbies with a girl named Crystal. She was wearing a dress and like most girls that age not paying atention to how she was sitting. The were little mermaid panties. All i had ever worn was plan white boys underware. It wasnt long after that i was at a store with my dad clothes shopping because i had out grown the clothes i was wearing. I seen a pack of panties with little princesess on them and asked my dad if i could have those. The anger in his voice as he let me know that i was a boy not a girl terrified me. It wasnt until i was eleven when my dad got married and i had a step sister that i tried panties on for the first time. The were white with pink trim and had wednesday on the front. They felt so comfortable and natural that i never wanted to take them off.

    • #131518

      The youngest that I remember being a boy was about age four or five. I refused to wear the top to my bikini and there are photos of me, topless, with my arm around my big sister. I was her boyfriend. And I hated dresses and feminine clothes! I wanted to play with Tonka toys and trucks more than dolls but was told they were boys toys by everyone. How can a toy have a gender?! My mom let me play with the stuff in private but not around other girls.
      I dream as a guy, write gay novels, and if I could live out, after top surgery, I would date bisexual guys who like Trans guys.
      It’s complicated.

    • #133673

      I grew up in an Italian Catholic family, third of four children and only son. I had two older sisters, seven and eight years older and one sister five years younger. I became very curious about why I was different when I was six and one half years old. At that time my next oldest sister began to reject me physically by pushing me away when I wanted to be close to her. She was then thirteen and my other sister was fourteen. By the time I was nine I had been moved to the other end of the house, away from everyone else. When I was ten I had my first urge to crossdress. I was compelled to search in the bathroom hamper for something feminine to wear and found a pair of stockings and excitedly put them on. I was transformed then and there. I continued taking stockings from the hamper and would wear them to bed at night. I even tried to wear them to school under my Catholic school uniform but my mother caught me and made me take them off before I got out the door. I was in fourth grade. I don’t recall that she was angry. She didn’t say anything else or tell me not to do it and didn’t tell my father as far as I know. I think she felt the best thing to do was not confront me about it or bring any further attention to my behavior. She was sympathetic to the point that I continued to find stockings in the hamper just as before for me to wear. I was what I was at ten years old and no one could bear to deal with it at the time. I continued until I was thirteen to wear stockings. I didn’t have any interest to wear any other feminine clothing until I was in my mid twenties and encountered my first transvestite in New Orleans. She was a bartender at a place near where I lived. I was in shock when I first saw her and recognized her as someone like me. A few years later I considered becoming a transvestite bartender myself. I even went to a bar that I thought might be into that to check it out. I was wearing stockings and panties underneath but I never went any further than that. I was twenty eight at the time.

    • #133817

      So difficult to answer, it has been ever-growing, and forever, it seems. I began enjoying feminine clothing as a child, thanks to my Mother’s clothes hamper. But, after a few divorces, and now being in my 70’s, living alone, I have truly become feminine. I dream almost constantly of becoming a sweet, obedient wife to an understanding and wanting man, for the rest of my life! It would be ever so wonderful! YES! I Adore being a Lady, and want my femininity so much! Wher mI live, in semi-rural North east Georgia, I can find no one so interested in me, as of yet, but I am constantly looking. My e-mail is [email protected], for those who want to communicate with me, and make my female day! I am divorced, of course, live alone (and “lonely”), and really want a spouse in my life! I want to be his “girl”!
      I am cute, many on the internet say, and if asked, will send you electronically a photo, and you can decide for yourself!
      I Could Love You,
      Miss Roxanne Lanyon

    • #136090

      I’ve voted 11 to 20. But I  have to say that’s a  broad period encompassing a lot of life, puberty etc. Too broad.

      I’ve read through the experiences of others and certainly I  can  relate to most if not all of them. There are differences but all have a  common thread of feeling different but not always able to express it or process it. We were after all,  children.

      I first began to wish I  could be a girl around 11 or 12. I would lie in bed at night and pray I  would  wake up as a girl. Even  for a few days. Actually I still do.

      I began to wear girls clothes secretly.

      Yet going through puberty I  was attracted to girls. Very  puzzling for me. But I also was attracted to certain boys. In fact I  had a major crush on Paul Miller. I still have. He was so cool 😎 Sigh! Think  Paul Mescal.

      Now it was the early seventies in Ireland. Dublin in fact. You’d think conservative, Catholic etc. Maybe but less conservative than certain US states now.

      However my main source of information about trans issues was from British tabloid newspapers and to some extent British TV both of which were available in Ireland. Thank goodness because the one Irish TV station wasn’t exactly liberal back then.

      The Brit tabloids loved and love a sensation. ‘Men’having a ‘sex change’ was absolute ideal fodder for their readers. To be fair being British they allowed their subjects to explain themselves.

      Invariably they knew they were girls from an early age. 5 or 6. That  wasn’t  my experience. I knew I was different from an early age but didn’t think I was a girl.

      So I  rationalised it. I was, based on the tabloid experience not a transsexual according to my  perceived version based on the supposed experience espoused by the subject of the tabloid article.

      So I  decided I  was just a transvestite as was the terminology of the time. Eventually I  joined a group of transvestites in Dublin.

      BTW at the time in the eighties being  gay was a literal criminal offence in Ireland. Totally uninforced but on the books. So yes I’m a criminal.

      But the transvestites I  joined were a  puzzle to  me. Pauline, one of the  most  convincing and expert in make up spoke of Pauline as other as in ‘I’m taking Pauline to the pub. But to me  she was Pauline.????

      Of course I  now know I’m trans. But I  couldn’t understand why they separated themselves from their female side. But of course they were cross dressers. Straight men who  dressed as women.

      We went to a pub, a gay bar.  I’d  brought my sister’s suit, classic eighties, dog tooth style with my mohair polo neck top. I  had my makeup but no  wig but they had a spare blonde wig.

      I created quite a  stir and posed for  various photos. I  wish I  had one  now. I was young and cute but didn’t know it.

      In the pub, someone  bought me a  drink. It was somewhat of an  out of body experience.

      We were joined by what I know now was a transwoman. She greeted us but I  sensed a real sadness in her. She spoke to us for a  bit then, to me randomly kissed a man. I  felt a  sinking  feeling.

      You can  see I was terribly naive

      Anyway the evening ended with a  ride  back to the place. We  were all  dressed as women. Our  driver was as much as anything  a man who loved dressing up as a woman. Yet smoked a pipe He drove erratically down the street.

      He claimed that was expected of women drivers.

      I  was horrified but  said  nothing. Well  we didn’t  back then.

      I realised that it  was a club for  men playing as women.

      These days crossdressers pretend they’re trans. They’re not.








      • #136097

        Marie…yes I can relate to that, in he UK we were very, very sheltered. I didn’t know I was a ‘girl’ I was just odd…non binary they may say now. All my friends were girls…I didn’t know the difference in genitals of boys/girls until I was about 13. Even then I was just angry with what I was, you couldn’t ‘change’ gender that was  SciFi to me. Wanted too, and often said it to friends…only to receive their alarmed faces.

      • #136332

        Wow… lots to digest here and much food for thought.  I was 13 when I saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show and heard the work travsexual for the first time. I recall being taken with the concept of being freed by the act of being simply who you are.  And thought… ahh there are other people  like me. Although at that time in my understanding I didn’t consider myself trans. Thanks for sharing.

    • #136348

      I didn’t understand the difference between boys and girls until I was 6-7. Before that I would play dolls and house with a girl cousin of mine and the adults never paid attention to what we were doing. Somewhere around age 4, I was molested by a male relative but I never told anyone because I didn’t think it was bad. I loved the feeling of having silky materials against my skin. As I grew older I never fit in with other boys and was picked on relentlessly. Coming from a strict conservative and religious family, I was led to believe gays and lesbians would go to hell, but I secretly still had sexual relations with older guys. I still didn’t realize I didn’t fit in so joined the military and got married, but the whole time I had severe depression. My first suicide attempt was when I was in high school. I was married and divorced 4 times because I was never satisfied in my role as a man. After my last marriage I thought I was gay and a cross dresser because I had never heard of a trans woman. It’s only recently that I’ve realized that my inner self is female and I want to look the part. I scheduled myself for a doctors appointment to begin the process of HRT. If I don’t see the results I’m happy with I’ll have breast implants. As far as bottom surgery, I don’t think I’ll get it because of the cost and my age. That part of me is insignificant to me anyway.

    • #136361
      DeeAnn Hopings

      The thought of being transgender didn’t really occur to me until 2015 when I was 67. From childhood I always knew that there was something different about me, but by late high school/early college I thought I might be gay or bisexual. However, that notion was thoroughly suppressed and I did the traditional career-marriage-kids thing. In a way, this was reinforced when I had my first encounter with a man at age 49. There was a very natural feeling and it just felt very pleasurable Without any sense of revulsion. It wasn’t until many years later after I started dressing that my thoughts shifted. I thought I was a crossdresser until my wife commented: “You may be transgender.”. I won’t go into the detail of the story, but when she said that, instantly many things began to make sense. In a way, that was a bit like shock therapy. That one statement broke through the layers of suppression and denial that I had fabricated.

    • #137705

      [postquote quote=131518]
      Curious, have you started HRT? I have been on E for about 8 months an have noticed that my attractions have shifted greatly, I’m wondering if it goes the other way for those on T. growing up, I was always romantically interested in men, but sexually attracted to women, but now I’m both romantically and sexually only interested in men.

    • #138501

      I don’t think it ever crossed my mind really until maybe twelve years ago when I came out. Until then, I just hide this ‘thing’ I had for being a female.  The euphoria I got from expressing my gender as female was over coming. I felt so honestly female the feelings coursed through my veins but alas, they had to come to an abrupt end each time because I came from pre internet times and none of us I don’t think knew any differently other than seeing people like me in porn and I was not into that. I lived rural all my life so that made it harder also. I knew I was different. I knew I got my ass whooped when my father caught me dressed and wearing makeup at around age 8. I knew I was messed up knowing I was above average in non contact sports and still hiding in my room with some nylons or a bra that made me feel complete and free. I never ever asked myself why, why did I do this stuff. I simply did it. Over and over and over each purge. Seems looking back, each purge got bigger, first a simple item, eventually large garbage bags full of everything, only to start the collection all over again. How messed up was that?
      At what age did I know? No idea. I knew I was different at probably around six. I accepted completely who I am twelve years ago when I went into a new relationship. I vowed to never date anyone without them knowing who I was, or at least who I thought I was, after all, do I still think I know who I am to this day? Not completely as the feelings and thoughts of myself seem to move like lava, slow, steady, quietly playing with my mind, my inner feelings, my femaleness and my maleness. It exhausts me at times so I try to avoid dwelling on it but sometimes the dysphoria is overwhelming. It’s ok, It’s just another day in the life of…

      • This reply was modified 11 months ago by Jill Lacey.
    • #139746

      I seem to be one of the few who didn’t cotton on till much later. In my twenties I began to wonder what I’d look like of I was female, but I didn’t know what to do about it or knew why I began to think this.
      Before then I knew I was different due to my rather girly tastes in animation. I just assumed I was weird but now know different.

    • #140492
      Charlene K

      I voted 6 – 10 but only because there wasn’t a category for “by the time I was 5”.

      There was an event (I wrote an article about it at CDH) at age 5 during which I became suddenly conscious that, “I want to be a girl; I am suppose to be a girl.”

      Various events during growing up years fed that awareness, yet in that age (mid 50s to the 80s) one just didn’t dare just ‘come out”. So I lived with the slow burn of hidden gender incongruity for decades.

      It is still a slow burn mostly hidden but never denied nor do I want to deny that I want to be a woman. But today I know why. Even as I wrote in a recently published article here on TGH. I want to be a woman, because biology not withstanding, I am a woman at my core.

      • #140497

        You know, I think I always had a touch of femininity inside me. Even from my childhood days! But not enough to exercise it (other than rummaging thru my Mother’s clothes hamper, occasionally! But after three marriages, and passing 70, I have really experienced the yearning to become a Lady, and to actually date a man. I am now with that yearning, and so want to be a woman, a Lady! I have even built a large closet, with a lock, in my basement, and have already just about filled it with my dresses, skirts, slacks, and lingerie! That is one feminine habit I will never lose – searching through internet ads for pretty clothing! I just bought two new blouses yesterday on-line! I hope, one day soon, I will simply say, “I AM a woman!”, put on a pretty skirt, and go downtown! (after I do my makeup, of course!
        I AM Roxanne Lanyon

    • #140593

      I was probably 5 or 6 the first time I remember wearing my mom’s clothes. I got caught that time and made sure I never got caught again.

      By the time I was I knew I wanted to be a girl, but in the 60’s in Texas you didn’t dare express that. I would put on my mom’s bras and pantyhose every chance I got. I stole some of my best friends sisters bras and panties, even a dress.

      Because of the times, I tried to deny it. But deep down I really wanted to be a girl. I did macho things so I wouldn’t be found out. When I was 17 I got in trouble with the law and had to join the Marine Corps. I had my 1st gay experience while I was in there. I already knew I was attracted to men, but ended up marrying a gg. I had to prove to the world I wasn’t a queer. I divorced and eventually married and had children. All the while I would dress the best I could when she was away. She had some nice things for me to wear. Well that marriage ended and I did it again. This time before I got married I told her I was a crossdresser. I didn’t dare say I was transgender. She helped me pick out clothing to buy. Vicky was on the way.

      I voted in this poll 30-41, although I knew from a very early age. I voted that way because at 38 I started hormones. At that time you could order them online. I did them for about 6 months and ended up in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs because I wasn’t seeing a doctor.

      Fast forward to now, I am 61 and still in the wrong body. The feelings have only gotten stronger to the point that it’s overwhelming.

      For all of the younger people that know, do it the right way, but do it. See a therapist, and endocrinologist and start your life, but be sure. Times are different now.  I have a lot more to say about this subject, but I have to go now. I’ll try to write more about it later.

      Thanks for letting me say my piece.

      Vicky 💋


      • #140604

        Thx for sharing.  I often wondered whether or not I would firmly be on that road earlier had the current clime exstex earlier.  Yes… doing it with counseling and educated and informed use of medications is so important.  I understand the desire to catch up with long standing desires.  But being informed of the risks is as important as it is with any other medical treatment. That’s why WPATH exists.  That said, I’m continually surprised by the lack of peer reviewed medical information out there.  IMHO that’s something we can all help to change with our advocacy.

      • #140619
        Jill Pete

        I knew something was different my whole life. At 72 I am finally coming to grips with it. Not sure where this journey is going to take me or how far I will be able to go. But someone is screaming to get out.

        • This reply was modified 8 months ago by Jill Pete.
    • #140648

      Eight Years

      My birth name is Peter. I never liked being called Peter and went by Pete for most of my life. Now I like my friends to call me Petra. At age seventy-six, I realize and lovingly accept myself and the fact that I am an effeminate gay transvestite and transwoman. I love to present myself in a feminine manner all the time. I have so much inner joy and peace from knowing and accepting that my sexual desires are at the root of all I am.

      I began my inner journey to this awareness three years ago. I had experienced gender dysphoria at various times since childhood but in 2019 it became almost unbearable. I researched my symptoms and learned about mtf transgender for the first time. It seemed that this might be the cause of the symptoms I was experiencing. I sought counseling from the VA and over a six-month period I began to accept the possibility that the truth of who and what I am is a mtf transgender.

      One thing which came back to me over and over was whether it was possible that my transgender feelings are at root due to homosexuality on my part. Now, after considerable reflection and observation of my past sexual history and current sexual preferences and desires I realize I was bisexual, but my internal homophobia prevented me from any experience. So, I went from performing in life as a straight male in order to fulfill family and social expectations, along with frequent urges to cross-dress, to a desire to be a transvestite bartender (exposure), several homosexual encounters, and the finally, to the present, as a mtf transwoman. Try as I might, in my case I cannot separate being gay from being a transvestite from being a transwoman. They all seem to feel right to me and I am comfortable being described as any of these. The one thing I am certain of is that I am no longer a straight, white, heterosexual male, nor do I desire to be. I am ok with my past, but I have no need to dwell on it.

      I began to explore my sexuality growing up with two older and one younger sister. My older sisters are seven and eight years older than I and my little sister is five years younger. I naturally looked up to my older siblings and wanted to be like them. Up until I was six years old I had no understanding that I was different from them, it just never occurred to me. In my sixth year, during our family’s move from New York to Florida I had my first hint.

      My father, my second older sister and myself traveled together by car while my mother, my oldest sister and our youngest, still a baby, traveled by train. One time during the trip I was getting tired and leaned over against my then thirteen-year-old sister to rest my head on her chest. I only wanted to feel her warmth and softness as I had so many times up till then. I was shocked when she pushed me away very roughly to let me know that somehow, something had changed in our relationship.

      We moved into our new home, which had three bedrooms and one bathroom. My two older sisters shared one bedroom and I was put in the third bedroom with my little sister. I started second grade that fall and got beat up the first day and then it seemed like every day until I got angry for the first time in my young life and fought back against my attacker. As my younger sister got older and began to talk there was a time when I asked her to show me her privates and I would show her mine. My parents got wind of my request and the next thing I knew my father was giving me a serious beating with his belt. She was between four and five and I was eight years old. I really was only curious. I had no other intent than just to see what made her and my other sisters different from me. There was no talking, no explanation, no instruction – just a beating which I have remembered forever. I learned that curiosity about sex was dangerous to pursue. I wanted to know what made me different and my parents were either unable or unwilling to tell me anything. That was the only instruction I ever received.

      But my inner desires could not be squelched so easily, and I found other ways to somewhat satisfy my curiosity. When I was eight, my older sisters were fifteen and sixteen and I had been moved to the opposite end of the house, away from my parents and sisters’ bedrooms. Our house only had one bathroom for the whole family to share and our family laundry hamper was next to the toilet. One day I was sitting on the toilet and the thought came to me to look in the hamper to see what I might find in there. I rummaged in the hamper for the first time that day and found a pair of stockings. I took them out and had to try them on. Somehow I knew how to put them possibly due to memories earlier in my childhood. I rolled each one down, put my foot carefully in, and pulled them up over my ankle, past my knees and up to my thighs. Then and there I was sexually aroused for the first time in my life. I stood in front of the mirror over the bathroom sink and watched my little penis grow hard. The exotic feeling of nylon stockings on my legs increased to unbearable proportions as I rubbed my stocking clad feet, legs, and thighs together until I ejaculated for the first time. That was my first experience crossdressing.

    • #32189

      ~Yes,Yes,Yes, Yes It Is…

      “It’s Maddening At Times!”

    • #33413

      ~I Don’t Care What Anyone Says, (re: Doctors)

      Because I Am The One Living It, And Not The

      One Poking At Me With A Pencil…

      ~So As Far As I’m Concerned, SEX Has/Had

      A Lot To Do With It, And Directing Me, And

      Clarifying So Much, (I Don’t Wan’t To Write

      Graphically, But I Know What I Love, And

      What Excites Me The Most!) Everybody Has

      Different Levels In Their Body That May Make

      Them More/Less In Either Direction…

      ~There Are CIS Woman That Like A Variety

      So To Say, And They May Prefer One A Bit

      More Than Another, But That Doesn’t Change

      Who They Are, (For Me,) I Never Grew Up

      Around People/Family That Would’ve Ever

      Let Me Be Who I Am, I Had To Always Be

      What They Expected Me To Be, But The Exact

      Age When I Knew That I Thought That I Had

      Feelings That No Other Had Was Young, And

      To Me It Was Natural/When I Was Young I

      Was Afraid To Participate With Either SEX

      Because My …At The Time, Under-Development

      So It Prevented A Lot Of Older Male Interaction

      …And When I Got Older All I Ever Did Was

      Fantasize About Them Times, And Get Mildly

      Mad, And Frustrated That They Never Imposed

      Themselves On Me, Hm,Hm,Hmph! 🙂

      ~So To Say Honestly, I HAD To Fight Down

      Any Such Feelings When I Was Young, And

      Other People Are Overwhelmed With Their

      Make Up, That They Can’t Hold It Down/Inside

      And It Comes Right Out,,, I Used To Always

      Say, Ope, Single Child, Because Me, I Had

      Aggressive/Physical, Abusive, People Around

      Me When I Was Growing Up, Now I Can Fight

      Back/And Remove Anyone Who Doesn’t Want

      To Be Around, Or Accept Me For Who I Am Now!

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