What age did you know you were transgender?

At what age did you know something about you was 'different' with you and your gender?

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  • Under 5 years old
  • 6 to 10 years old
  • 11 to 20 years old
  • 21 to 30 years old
  • 31 to 40 years old
  • 41 to 50 years old
  • 51 or older

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    • #86157
      Carly Holloway
      Participant

      GOLD

      I was way too young to know how old I was when I knew.  For as long as i can remember, I knew I wasn’t put together right.  Of course, I had no words or context that could help me understand what was “wrong”, until some years later.  I was caught and shamed frequently by my  parents for wearing my sister’s clothes, and that drove me deep underground, and I internalized their rejection as being a “badness” within my character.

      It was not until my late teens when I heard about Virginia Prince and Christine Jorgensen, and I began to understand the situation.  Of course, adolescence led to sexualizing the dressing up, and brief bouts of pleasure followed by guilt and shame.  About age 30, I began to explore my real self in Northern California and the Bay area.  Hormone treatment was rare and extremely expensive;   not an option at the time.

      After some years of this, followed by almost 2 decades of increasing addiction issues, I moved to my current location in Oklahoma.  I put aside all TG activities when I met my SO and raised a wonderful family.  I was happy to do so, but also was conflicted because I knew I was not being my true self.  Still, I kept my commitment with her and in hindsight, I am glad I did.

      When she was stricken with terminal cancer, she was wonderful enough to let me know that she knew I was not completely happy, and that she expected me to live the life I needed to live.  I slowly began to, but respected her wish not to be part of it.  Now, I am on the way home to the life I should have been born into.

      So in answer to the main question, I have always known that I am Carly.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #86089
      Sonja Strouse
      Participant

      FREE

      I remember at the age of 4 asking, “Mommy… why do I feel like a girl?” I spent a lot of my time wearing my sister’s clothes, getting into make-up, and walking around the house in my mom’s shoes. My mother created this myth about my birth. She would tell me that in her belly I was a girl, but she wanted to have a baby boy, so she prayed to God to make me a boy. That kept my questions at bay for a while. But then when I was a teenager, I was looking through my baby album. I looked at my birth announcement and it read that I was their daughter. It freaked me out! So on came more questions. My mother and father wouldn’t talk about it. They would change the subject, get angry with me, or just pretend like they didn’t hear my questions. It also didn’t help that I was having dreams where I could feel my vagina and my penis was gone. My teenage fantasies included me as a girl with guys that I would crush on. Overtime, my family labeled me a gay man and I went along with it. Then in my 20s my family found God and going along with them I thought that would set me straight. So I surrendered everything and gave the straight life a try. Let’s just say that didn’t work out. On my 30th birthday, I met my husband and we have been together for 18 years as a loving gay couple. He has always known my transgender identity existed, I was honest about that with him and over the years it would appear that I would never act on it. However, I feel like it’s time to transition. He’s not thrilled with the idea, but he’s not running away either. We are working through it. He was really upset about it until he spoke with my therapist. So we shall see how it goes.

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    • #85793
      Seren
      Participant

      FREE

      This is very recent for me. It was only March this year when I came out to my wife as a lifelong CD at the age of 49. This then coincided with 10+ weeks of no work, no travel and no dressing during the COVID-19 lockdown; cue a very intense period of self discovery, reading, listening, researching, finding CDH and then this place and then therapy. Conclusion: maybe there were signs earlier, but I now have very little doubt that I am transgender.
      So from closet CD to trans with an appointment with the endocrinologist in < 4 months. It’s been a pretty wild ride… hold on to your hats, there’s still a way to go 💕👗

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #85738
      Abigail Majors
      Participant

      SILVER

      I wasn’t aware of it as a young child, but there were some signs that I ignored when I was younger. I was always a more emotional child, and I still snuggled with my stuffed animals when I was 14, only giving them up because my dad forced me to. In tv, movies and video games, I always had an affinity for female heroes, and not for sexual reasons. I also had an affinity for toys aimed at girls. I asked for the “old-style” GI Joes in order to “play with barbies” without appearing “queer” I never really thought there was any difference between boys and girls growing up. I thought it was something we were labeled as a child, and there was nothing I could do about it.

      Around the age of 12, I started thinking I’d be happier as a woman. But I thought there was nothing I could do about it. I cared more about fitting in with classmates than expressing myself. Part of me was worried that anything beyond having a successful job was disappointing my parents. I focused on the academics and refused to take any classes that were “unproductive” I did my best to hide my feelings from the world, but by the time I went to college, I struggled to keep my emotions repressed. In secret, I explored gender transformation fiction and lamented my (growing male) changing body.

      After I came home from college (2013), I started seeing a psychologist for depression. He did his best to have me open up, but I was too scared about what society would think of me to truly open up to him.

      It wasn’t until 2019 that I grew enough courage to try to be myself. I met another person who was transitioning, and began to talk about my own issues with her. I had a place where I felt safe to try being myself.

      April 14, 2019 was the day that it all really clicked for me. I was 24 going on 25. My friend and I got a bra, and another supportive friend taught me how to do makeup.

      When I saw myself in the mirror for the first time, everything suddenly made sense.

      So, in short, it depends on when you define when. I was 12 when I started thinking I wasn’t who I should be, but it wasn’t until I was 24 when I pieced it all together.

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    • #83441
      Nikki McGuirk
      Participant

      FREE

      I guess that I was not as “aware” as most at an early age. I answered “6-10”, but that was when I first started to realize that I thought, and acted, differently than I was “supposed to”. I always had an affinity for my mother. The way she carried herself. The soft spoken, yet straightforward, character that she was. I would sit and watch her put on her makeup every day, and we would chat. I would get up at 5am (what kid gets up that early without a cattleprod?!) when she was getting ready for work and I would join her at the kitchen table to drink coffee and watch the sun rise. She would chuckle and pour me a cup. It felt so right to emulate her, and not my father. I did not see a difference between us…I didn’t think in terms of male/female…and I wanted to learn from her. To be like her. I was a kid trying to be an adult, and she was my role model.

      From my parent’s eyes, that was just a kid trying to act all grown up. The lipstick incident at 5 may have been the first telltale. The stocking incident at 5? 6? was probably the second sign. (Why did I just imagine hearing a man with a country accent say, “There’s yer sign!”?) There were tea parties with my sisters which I absolutely loved btw. Playing house with them I always got shafted into being “Dad” or “Husband” which irritated me to no end. How come I couldn’t play the “Mom”, or the “Wife”? More signs. Still no idea that I was “weird”. My sisters were just unfair, lol. Mom would gently coax me (sometimes with the useful end of a broom) to go outside and play with the boys from across the street. I didn’t want to. They wanted to box which basically meant hurting me and I spent all day with a headache. Or they wanted to play football which meant hurting me and I spent all day with a headache and sore ribs. Or they wanted to play BB gun wars which meant we all went home hurting….lol cuz I was always a crack shot! But I didn’t have any desire to do the things that the boys did. I did enjoy what the girls were in to. So I would always stray back into their world.

      Until my father saw. I won’t get into detail about exactly HOW my father explained that my actions had embarrassed him and revolted him but I knew THEN that I was wrong/broken/weird/unwanted/freakish. I still didn’t KNOW that I wanted/needed to BE a girl, a woman, feminine. Just that I didn’t want to be like him or the boys and that I wanted to be like the girls and Mom.

      The “Barbie” doll incident was fun. Aunt buys big brother a Barbie camper with “Ken” doll for Christmas, and bought me same Barbie camper with…yep…”Barbie”. (Think maybe Auntie saw the true me?) I LOVED IT! Gawd I thought she was so pretty. She had big blue eyes like mine! Then Dad walked in….BLAM! BOOM!! KeRpOW!!!! “What the (expletive) are you doing with that (expletive) doll?! No (expletive) son of mine is gonna be no (expletive)(expletive)(expletive)!!There were many incidents where my actions brought the wrath of masculinity down upon my head and I began to learn how to camouflage myself in the “mask” of masculinity. I became exceedingly good at hiding her inside. I fought a lot as I grew up…not out of bullying or anger…but out of defense. “Don’t back down, don’t let them see your weakness.” I got good at fighting. I got a reputation as being “tough”, which to me translated into “omg it worked and they don’t realize you’re not like them.” Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong.

      Long story short, this went on. I joined the military and got really good at hiding in plain sight. I did my job with empathy and a nurturing methodology that earned me scorn from many other male leaders, but with results that they couldn’t deny. SHE was there every step of the way but acting from the shadows. After 25 years I retired, I had never married, and all of a sudden with nobody around to “prove” myself to…I let her out (or she broke out?). It was THEN that I started to look at everything and realized that I have always been her. That I wasn’t broken/weird/whateverignorantscalledme. I was just me. Feminine, girly, sissy, emotional, sympathetic, empathetic, and fun loving, me. The signs were always here and there, but truly the realization came at 50. The mask is off and it’s never going back on.

      I apologize…I’m still so (expletive) emotional and this was just supposed to be a quick note to participate but somehow I told my life story. There is so much more but I think that I went a bit off the deep end already. I so wish I had had the level of insight that some of you have indicated at such early ages. I was oblivious to gender, or sex, until I was a teen. There are many events mentioned in this post that echo, resonate, with me though. Thank you all so very much for opening your hearts and sharing with such courage. It bolsters me to be sure. (As evidenced by this verbose note lol!)

      Much love and admiration,

      Nikki

    • #83437
      Alexis Tresse
      Participant

      FREE

      At age 4 my main playmate Jean wore her hair in long braids almost every day. Jean was a tomboy and often visited me with my bigger play yard and possibly for my more interesting toys. I don’t remember that I was envious but I could not have helped but notice that when her mom braided Jean’s hair she was getting attention of a kind that I couldn’t.

      At age 6 in school in England I noticed that a boy classmate had bobby pins in his hair to hold his cap, and envied that he was wearing definitively girl things. When we returned to Canada own hair was for me, long. Left with my grandmother, I asked her to put bobby pins in my hair, which she did. I couldn’t sense them in place, nor that they fell out. Shortly later on a rural vacation I put hay on my head and told my parents that this was how I would look as a girl. I wasn’t clear that this was how I wanted to look. Instead my dad cut my hair military-short for years. During age 7 I often daydreamed that some magical machine would give me long braids and a dress; not of becoming a girl, only of looking like one. This daydream ceased. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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    • #83321
      Xan
      Participant

      FREE

      I have to be honest, this is a topic that I find I badger myself over often. For many years I’ve coveted those that knew (without a doubt) so early on. I honestly can’t say “I Knew” so young but I think that’s because I never allowed myself to go there. I was raised in a very religious family. I do have a faint memory of being in the kitchen with my mom and sister and pressing a hairbrush against myself and saying “Look I have a peepee!” and getting a spanking for it after. I was known as the tom boy and I LOVED sports and running with the boys. The one thing I can surely state is that I’ve always loved girls lol but thats a separate topic. But I guess at an early age I denounced all thought that God could be wrong in creating me. I didn’t fully realize until I was in my early 20s. I think I was just at an age to understand the complexity of the world and those that interpret it. The truth is, we can beat ourselves up about pretty much anything now so I try to let it go. But I truly think it was always in there.

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    • #82743
      Dennis Herdina
      Participant

      FREE

      I guess i knew about age 8 but did not know the word to describe me.  I played with boys and did boy thing but i never felt comfortable doing it either.  My best memories of growing upwas when i played with the girls.  I ENJOYED PLAYING HOUSE, ENJOYED BEING THE nurse in doctor nurse game, enjoyed playing with Barbies.  I ENJOYED LEARNING TO COOK, SEW AND IRON AND TAKE CARE OF HOUSE INSIDE.  Those are happy memories for me.  I finally learned i was trans when i met a trans woman  in high school.  We never had sex but she still taught me the art of being woman.  I was16  she was first person i was ever *out* to.  Being trans and learning yourself is not easy at any time  and it still goes on.  It always will.  I live as woman  but am still  learning myself.  I am happy and comfortable.  We may take long time tolearn the term for how we feel but that is only the start  it is NOT the end step  only the first.

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    • #82652
      Breanna Leigh
      Participant

      FREE

      I knew when I was just 5 years of age. There was a little girl who lived next door and we were friends. I loved trying on her dresses and I once dressed up and went to tell my Mom I was really a girl. My Mother freaked out telling me how wrong it was for me to wear girls dresses and never to do it again because I was a boy. Needless to say I felt terrible and believed there was something wrong with me because of the way I felt. That was 54 years ago, I am now 59 yrs old and Mom is 86 and she still refuses to accept me as I am. I live and work 24/7, 365 as myself, hiding it from no one. I am now a very confident, pansexual transexual woman who is proud to be who I am and I will never hide who or what I am ever again.
      And for those of you considering “coming out”, I found that the more confident I became, the more I presented myself as I felt, the more I was just me, the more acceptance I received by everyone everywhere. Strangers treat and respect me as a woman and my days of looking “pretty”, have passed leaving me in a cloud of weight problems, scars and a wonderful ” bowling ball figure”, but I am all girl, inside this part male, part female body, but I am so, so happy to be able to be myself and not feel the need to hide from anyone!!!
      I am always here to help anyone who has the desire to live as themselves but are too afraid. Message me and lets talk!!

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    • #81728
      Jen Lienert
      Participant

      SILVER

      I was about 5 when I was told in no uncertain terms that I was a boy and boys didn’t do this, that and whatever else. After that discussion I wasn’t allowed to play with the girls that I had been playing with for as long as I could remember.

      I figured at some point I would most likely become a girl. Still surprised that didn’t just happen. Lol.

      I was about 9 or so when I saw transsexuals on the Phil Donahue show and 20/20. Great, now I knew who and what I was and how family and society would react to me.

      Fast forward 40 more years and I’m here. Society has changed, family has changed. and I am far less fearful about moving forward. I am glad to be here.

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    • #62534
      Kim Dahlenbergen
      Participant

      FREE

      Actually, I didn’t know what I was….but as a very young child…in my very earliest recollections…I knew I was attracted to feminine things and evidently it was noticed, because some of my other very early recollections were feeling of disapproval.

      Many decades later I learned the words and learned that it wasn’t a defect, a perversion or a crime.

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    • #62482
      Sophie Bourne
      Participant

      SILVER

      Hi everyone. It was about age 4 or 5 for me when I knew “something’s wrong”. Then I just had cascading confusion up to about age 10 or 11, when I also started to have sexual feelings and fantasies about being a woman, and having sex with a man. And then realised how difficult my life was going to be.

      Kind of odd memory… my birth name has a shortened form which is gender ambiguous. My parents had invited over an adult friend who didn’t know me, and I was introduced just before bed-time in pyjamas, without wearing glasses. The friend said ” You’re a pretty little girl aren’t you?” I immediately replied “I’m a boy; I’ve got one of these” pointing between my legs, much to my parents’ embarrassment, and the friends, and then mine.

      But then it struck me afterwards that “Hey I liked being called a girl”, then “Hey I liked being thought of as pretty”, then in shock “I kind of wish I was a girl” but then – with utter confusion “There is something wrong with my answer. The reason I gave for being a boy doesn’t sound right”.

      There was another moment about the same time. I’d go swimming with my mum and dad: with my mum, I’d get changed in the girls’ room and I noticed I was preferring that to changing with my dad. I also noticed the swimsuits vs ttrunks, then asked why I didn’t have a swimsuit and could I have one. When I got old enough, and was told I now had to use the boys’ changing room and bathrooms, I didn’t like it. And never have done since.

      I spent a lot of time up to age 9 playing with girls, which I preferred a lot to playing with boys. My ratio of girl friends to boy friends was about five to one, and my closest friends were girl neighbours who also went to the same school as me. They were older than me, but I was put up a year at school, so we were in the same class. I noticed that their lives : toys, clothes, skipping games, ballet lessons etc were pretty different to mine and my brother’s, and I preferred their way. I asked my mum and dad from time to time if I could have that, or why boys weren’t allowed to do that, and got a lot of frowns, conversation stoppers and changes of subject. I asked for a leotard, of course wasn’t allowed one, and made my own out of a long vest and a safety pin. It felt inadequate and I felt guilty about doing something I knew my mum and dad wouldn’t approve of.

      I think if I hadn’t then suddenly been dumped in an all-boys school, I would have learned faster, but it just mixed me up further. To be fair though, my family and the state system wasn’t coping very well with my abilities (in maths and science I was put into classes 2 to 3 years ahead of my age, feeling very out of place and getting bullied). My parents and grandfather decided I needed selective education, the only way of getting it in our area was privately, and the only private schools in the area were single sexed. So that was how things played out. I didn’t like it, but just wanted to please…

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    • #62481
      Sophie Bourne
      Participant

      SILVER

      Hi everyone. It was about age 4 or 5 for me when I knew “something’s wrong”. Then I just had cascading confusion up to about age 10 or 11, when I also started to have sexual feelings and fantasies about being a woman, and having sex with a man. And then realised how difficult my life was going to be.

      Kind of odd memory… my birth name has a shortened form which is gender ambiguous. My parents had invited over an adult friend who didn’t know me, and I was introduced just before bed-time in pyjamas, without wearing glasses. The friend said ” You’re a pretty little girl aren’t you?” I immediately replied “I’m a boy; I’ve got one of these” pointing between my legs, much to my parents’ embarrassment, and the friends, and then mine.

      But then it struck me just afterwards that “Hey I liked being called a girl”, ” Hey I liked being thought of as pretty”, then in shock “I kind of wish I was a girl” but then – with utter confusion “There is something wrong with my answer. The reason I gave for being a boy doesn’t sound right”.

      There was another moment about the same time. I’d go swimming with my mum and dad: with my mum, I’d get changed in the girls’ room and I noticed I was preferring that to changing with my dad. I also noticed the swimsuits vs ttrunks, then asked why I didn’t have a swimsuit and could I have one. When I got old enough, and was told I now had to use the boys’ changing room and bathrooms, I didn’t like it. And never have done since.

      I spent a lot of time up to age 9 playing with girls, which I preferred a lot to playing with boys. My ratio of girl friends to boy friends was about five to one, and my closest friends were girl neighbours who also went to the same school as me. They were older than me, but I was put up a year at school, so we were in the same class as me. I noticed that their lives : toys, clothes, skipping games, ballet lessons etc were pretty different to mine and my brother’s, and I preferred their way. I asked my mum and dad from time to time if I could have that, or why boys weren’t allowed to do that, and got a lot of frowns, conversation stoppers and changes of subject. I asked for a leotard, of course wasn’t allowed one, and made my own out of a long vest and a safety pin. It felt inadequate and I felt guilty about doing something I knew my mum and dad wouldn’t approve of.
      <p style=”text-align: left;”>I think if I hadn’t then suddenly been dumped in an all-boys school, I would have learned faster, but it just made mixed up further. To be fair though, my family and the state system wasn’t coping very well with my abilities (in maths and science I was put into classes 2 to 3 years ahead of my age, feeling very out of place and getting bullied). My parents and grandfather decided I needed selective education, the only way of getting it in our area was privately, and the only private schools in the area were single sexed. So that was how things played out. I didn’t like it, bit just wanted to please…</p>
       

       

       

       

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    • #62433
      Riley R
      Participant

      FREE

      I think most of us know who we are at a very young age and the idea of being different is a process where you realize that there is a contradiction between your sense of yourself and the reactions to you, from those around you, family, and society in general.  When I was extremely young, I didn’t think in terms of gender, or especially birth assigned sex or gender.  I thought in terms of boy or girl.  I do remember my family discouraging me from being myself at a very young age.  In fact, those are some of my earliest memories and they are indelible.  I suppose that was when I started to realize that something about me was different.  I’m not sure exactly what age I formed these memories, but it was before I started school, so 3 or 4 yrs of age I guess?

      Anyway, I do think this is a good topic of discussion and it’s something that I talked about with my counselors when I was young.  Since this was a time of confusion and hurt, it’s a good thing to talk out, because such memories stay with you. Keeping such things bottled up inside can affect you the rest of your life and affect your well being.

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    • #52253
      Lucy Liz Taylor
      Participant

      FREE

      Hi all,

      Age 4, all the way through early childhood thought at puberty the body would change, It did change the wrong way. The other thing is that my family and just about everyone that has crossed my path in life, have always said  “I was weird or there is something wrong”. The something wrong turned out to be what they called back them Transsexual (this confused me as it indicated that it was sexual, never has been, Only discovered this after intense reading biology, chemistry, phycology and, child development and health.

      Love you all

      Lucy Liz

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    • #35849
      Josie Jay
      Participant

      Oh my God…what wonderful stories! I had no idea there were so many who had these feelings as young as I did. I always identified as feminine…I felt I was the same as my mom, sisters, and aunts. I loved the knee-length cotton dresses of the 60’s…the way the girls ran their hands down the back of their legs to hold their dresses tight as they sat. I loved the way they sat with their legs together, or with their legs crossed; and, I did my best to emulate them. I started putting the feminine undergarments on at age four. I loved it when adults called me cute or pretty and I was into moms makeup constantly…(her red lipstick fascinated me).

      I was befuddled by the toys I got. My brother and I always got pop guns or little cars and tractors. The guns frightened me…I did enjoy the cars in the sand but after I built my roads it was all about driving my imaginary kids around. The dolls…I wanted so very badly to play with my sisters dolls, and I did. My parents didnt seem to mind until I reached the age of seven or eight. I kept a Snoopy doll under my bed in his own little bed…I would reach down and pet him when I woke during the night.

      I do wish that things had been more open back then. I would have loved to have been able to be the girl that I am. I do love my wife and children and grand children with all my heart and I wouldnt change a thing concerning them. They are just going to have to get used to a lady named Josie who loves them all very much.

    • #35841
      Annie Riggle
      Participant

      FREE

      Always played dress up with my sisters felt right dressing in there clothes but parents didn’t like it much was alway kind of what you call a sissy boy I guess you would call it dad was always pushing football and baseball and I want to play barbies with my sisters and draw…but in teen years you didn’t want to be a queer or faggot so went on being a boy now older wish I would have found out what I know now could have saved me a couple of marriages Life just simply got in the way of my journey I guess with kids and working now retired and looking forward to the changes even if the wife probably won’t but not gonna worry about her she will do whatever she wants to do and can’t change that….Just looking forward to me the real me

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    • #35619
      Paul Kisvarda
      Participant

      FREE

      This a a tough one as I still am not sure what I am, I look in the mirror every day and see a women, I under dress every day and wear ladies pants 90% of the time. My family is the only thing that is stopping me from coming out  to the world, If I had the knowledge that I have learnt from CDH and here before i had a family I think things would be different for me, I have been questioning my gender since i was in high school, but always thought that i was a freak till I met all you amazing girls here. thank you ladies for being here these two groups have saved my life XXX

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    • #35485
      Danielle Fox
      Participant

      SILVER

      I started putting on my moms panties and lingerie when I was 7. I knew I didn’t feel bad about wearing the items in fact I felt great, like I was wearing what I was meant to wear. I felt different, like I wasn’t me, who I should be but I couldn’t get the words right. In 1967 the words didn’t exist in the vocabulary of a 7 year old. So I envied the clothes the girls wore and their long hair and pretty shoes. I didn’t stop being envious and still didn’t have the words even in high school in the 70s. Fast forward to 2018 in May and I had an epiphany and knew who I was and the words to describe me! I am a Trans woman! I’ve learned so much in the year since and I learn more each day. My goal is to lose 30 Pounds or so, and get electrolysis on my face, chest/tummy and back. This way I don’t need to shave😁! I love shaving my legs and privates, I will epilate if I begin to dislike shaving my legs. Anyway I love who I am, I wish I had figured it out when I was in my late 20s but I wouldn’t have met the love of my life and my current wife. TTFN
      Danielle 💋👠👗🦋

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    • #35474
      Karlia Ferrier
      Participant

      FREE

      I did not notice anything ‘in that context’ until later in my teens. But as a child I just thought it part and parcel of being a boy to go around liking girl things, and that is what love was between a father to the mother. I didn’t seem to wonder what my mothers reasons for love were because I always thought boys and girls were different and so I could not know anyway. And I always preferred to play with girls, they were my best friends for example often times (I went to many schools) – even to the extent I was ostracized occasionally by boys for not fitting in with their abandon for details and refinement. So despite reverence and adoration for feminine things from the 6-10 range, I didn’t ‘realize’ someone was not ‘normal’ until I picked up my sisters clothes and tried them on for no reason other then it seemed right, until in my later teens. I wasn’t sure why I was attracted to her skirts and wearing them because I was not aware of transgender or crossdressing concepts, culture or history – it just felt right so I did it. But because it was not ‘normal’ I did it in secret (still do). I hope to change that part of course! Thanks to those who have for leading the way.

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    • #35449
      Rami Love
      Participant

      FREE

      I never really gave my gender identity much thought until last year. I enjoyed wearing women’s clothing off and on again my entire life, starting at age 10. That was until last year at age 65 when my wife of 30 years came upon pictures of me dressed in her clothing. My wife did not want me dressing in her clothes so I purchased my own women’s clothing. She also had many questions which I could not answer so then came much research on gender identity.  7 months ago I came to the realization I am more transgender than not transgender. Just recently, I have come to terms with being a transgender, being myself and allowing my femininity to blossom.

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    • #33502
      Cristie Baumann
      Participant

      Around 4 years of age.  I WANTED to be a girl.  I wanted to wear pretty dresses and ribbons in my hair.  I wanted to wear dainty and silky undies.  I wanted to be the one all the adults fussed over and pampered.  I wanted to be the one everybody said was so cute, darling, precious, pretty.

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #33365
      Marianne Tornander
      Ambassador

      AMBASSADOR

      I am not entirely sure, but it must have been at latest around the time I started school. At the time Swedish kids used to start school the year they turned seven, but due to special circumstances I was allowed to start a year early at six years and four months.

      At seven, I think, my three years younger sister went to a masquerade dressed in my mom’s short ballerina style lace wedding dress from 1963, that was a full length gown on sis, and I remember being so jealous on her.

      I didn’t know anything about being transgender or transsexual, but I knew I desperately wanted to be a girl and often I prayed to God to let me wake up as a complete girl in the morning.

      It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I lernt about the possibilities to transition between genders and change your body with hormones and surgery. At that time I was starting a family as a husband and later on father, so I reluctantly kept to the crossdressing I’ve been practising since age 11 or 12.

      I now want to be a woman more than ever, but never seems to get the chance to go there.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32330
      Dawn
      Participant

      FREE

      I guess I was in First Grade…probably 6 years old. I can remember looking at a little girl in the back of my class and wanting to be her. I wanted to have her beautiful hair and wear her pretty dress.

      Do you know, I still remember her name!

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32325

      I voted 6 but I may have started wearing my Mom’s girdle and bra a year younger. I have been crossdressing off and on all my life. And all my life I had the feeling of being a girl into womanhood. For whatever reason, I did not think about being transgender. Of course I never heard the word, Transgender. I grew up in the 50s and ’60s. I do remember every once in a while wanting to cut off my dick cause it did not belong there. I wanted a Virginia and breast but I did not get what I wanted so I kept crossdressing up to this day. I also came to the conclusion that I am a Lesbian. I have no desire to mate with or date any type of male person.
      My best guess is that I will not make the Full Transition to female. At 72 it is a bit late for that and the money that is would take to make it happen. I do feel that in my heart I m Female all the way. It would nice to find a Lesbian who would except me as a woman, but does not have all the right parts or extra parts.
      Well that’s it in a nutshell. Life does go on. Love you all.

      Vicki E.

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32185
      Danielle
      Participant

      FREE

      I had difficulties when I was at the age 7, my parents would take me to therapist and I would remember today all the questions and my parents telling me stop sitting, tslking or walk like a girl,  and all my friends were all girls and I would have the guys ask me how , but today I get asked if I’m gay , but now I just say I’m a TF . Now I just have to get out of the closet.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #32188
        Seniko Usenia
        Participant

        FREE

        ~See, That’s The Messed Up Thing,

        Feeling Like You Have To Answer

        To Somebody, Feeling Embarrassed

        Like You Have Some Reason To Feel

        Ashamed Of Yourself!

        ~That’s Such B.S. /

        ~You Have Absolutely No Control

        Over Your Individual Design, And

        That’s FINAL, No If, And, Or Buts!

         

        4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32181
      LeslieAnne
      Participant

      FREE

      Hi all, i really didn’t know about being trans or gay or any certain label , i was preschool and liked wearing my mom’s under pants and being girlish. My aunt was a year older and lived next to me and we both had dolls and doll clothes to play with, purchased by my mom and gram maw . My mom kept my hair at shoulder length , curled like Shirley Temple, i had red hair, and this is how i stayed until i turned 6 years old and had to attend grade school. My dad , bless his heart,put up with this and finally put his foot down and told mom it was time to boy me up for school. I remember when they cut my hair i cried like a girl , so did my mom , i liked the way i was and wanted to stay like that. As years passed i never got over feeling like a girl inside , and would on some occasions dress up a little, a bra,panties and would have self induced sex. I couldn’t under stand why i needed to do this and felt ashamed at myself for it. I fought this feeling all my life , dressing sometimes , wishing i wouldn’t purchasing clothes only to toss away later and deep inside wished i had kept them. Finally 2 years ago i started keeping a journal of my feelings toward , about , the woman inside me that had been trying to come out ,to contact me , to put me at ease with myself , the real me, and yes,to take over. I love her and love being and looking like her, the male me is the one that is staying inside now , showing up only when a man is needed, like out side work, things my neighbors see me doing . Yes i am still in stealth mode for a while , but i hope not forever, Leslie is here and here to stay , shes not ever leaving . Having this place to hear everyone talk about their journey was what i needed and am very grateful to you all . Listen to the little woman inside she knows whats best for you. Thanks for this , Love Leslie

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32166
      Amelia
      Participant

      FREE

      I remember asking the 7 year old girl next door after playing doctors and nurses if next time I could be the nurse, she freaked out and told her family,I didn’t see her again. The earliest memory was sitting at my mums dressing table in the bedroom trying on her stockings (I must have been 4 or less). I remember telling her when I was about 7 that I wanted to be a girl but settled for being an occasional transvestite most of my life. I came out to my wife recently and now in the autumn of my years yearn desperately to be a woman.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #31916
      Sarah walker
      Participant

      FREE

      When I was almost five I was dressed up as an angel to accompany my two older sisters at a fancy dress parade.  I can still remember the lovely white silky dress plus wings I wore along with one of  my Mums  blonde hair extension. My Mum has since told me that she had trouble stopping me from wearing the dress afterwards and had to dispose of it. I think this was the beginning of my gradual realisation that I was really a girl.

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #31559
      https://transgenderheaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/woman-b14-2.jpgAnonymous
      Inactive

      My coming into consciousness I thought I was like my dad and brothers. Unfortunately I soon realized they saw me as like my mom and sis. I tried to tell my mom when she put me in girl clothes. After a while I gave up telling her… she didn’t get it?…she didn’t believe me? well, whatever it was I just didn’t wear them. She got tired of fighting to put them on me only to have me take them off immediately. So I could just wear jeans and t shirt and be somewhat comfortable. Since then it has been trying to balance myself with what other people see me as. I am close to fifty years old and I am pursuing hormone therapy to change how my body looks. I think it will be the proper puberty I should have gone through and become as close to the guy I see myself (as and was meant to be), in my opinion. Thank you if you read my answer.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #31544
      Cassandra McDaniel
      Participant

      SILVER

      I was about 4 years old when I discovered I wanted to be female. I had told my mom that I wanted to be a girl so she knew that I had wanted to become a girl. I had started crossdressing, wearing my sister’s clothes and my mom started buying me girls clothes of my own for my wardrobe. I knew it was something I wanted to be at that young of an age. I was always into girls things like Barbie’s and playing dolls and dressing up as a girl.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #31395
      Jasmine Fletcher
      Participant

      SILVER

      It was before school when I had my first trigger events for crossdressing, but it was starting primary school that really set my brain whirling (age 4 and three quarters). Girls wore different uniform to boys (no stupid tie for a start). Girls were called by their first name, boys by their surname. It was always girls first, boys second. From that it could have just been jealousy that made me want to change to being a girl, but I also preferred to be with the girls at break time. None of that rushing around, kicking footballs, yelling and shooting one another type of play appealed. I preferred the chatting, skipping and making daisy chains.

      My childhood fantasy at that time: why couldn’t those aliens kidnap me and turn me into a girl!

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #29129
      CC Webb
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      In a family of 5 kids at the time there was so much going on it was hard to even be myself, much less comprehend what was going on, but I do know at age 9 I did my first public crossdressing in my sisters jeans to school several times.  I can’t say for certain I immediately associated it with feeling I was a girl and the shame I had received actually put me into a self repression that lasted until my early 20’s and stunted my exploration to just enjoying underdressing.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #28077
      https://transgenderheaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/woman-b14-2.jpgAnonymous
      Inactive

      I was exactly 5 years old when I started to feel…. different. I know exactly when it started and why now that I’m older and can look back. But it wasn’t until I was much older that I realized what it was that was making me feel different. If I’m going to be honest, I never had a sudden realization, it all happened sort of gradually and I’m still learning about it.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #27330
      Killgrather Commander
      Participant

      FREE

      I was older then 13 and a 1/2 months

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #27328
      Killgrather Commander
      Participant

      FREE

      I was older then 13 and a 1/2 months when I realised

    • #27195
      Lana Lang
      Participant

      FREE

      Raised by a single mom, I was a feminine child and teased as a sissy by some.  I kind of thought some were jealous!   On starting school my feeling led me to socialize more with girls and do girly things.  Play house, with dolls (mostly dress up dolls).  Eventually trying on frocks and shoes.  Many girls were accepting, some were not!  Fortunately I made some girlfriends that accepted and nurtured me as I was, supporting and helping along the way!  Girls are wonderful!

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #26591
      S’Nia T
      Participant

      FREE

      I realized I was trans when I tried on my cousins shirt when I was in 4th grade and I felt so amazing wearing and doing girly things. I was smart enough to realize how much I could get in trouble if I was caught acting femme so I would do it when my mom was at work or asleep. Skip to 5th grade the first time i tried on one of my moms wigs when she left the room then she came back while I had the wig on and that was the first of 2 times I got caught. Sje asked if I wanted to be a girl but I said no out of fear of getting in trouble bc she seemed very mad. I got my phone took for a month after that and I got better at hiding being femme. Skip to 6th grade when I tried on a gown  that I found in a drawer in the attic. I would wear that to bed almost t every night and i would wear stockings under my pants around the house. But one night I fell asleep in it and when my mom woke me up in the morning she saw me wearing it. She was so mad and I knew I had to do better at hiding it if I wanted to keep being g femme so I would start to be femme when she was at work only and it worked. I eventually got extreamly good at hiding it from everyone that I wouldn’t get caught being femme until 10th grade. Over the years I started to be a lot more girly and I started to put on lip gloss, heels, bras, and panties when I was in 8th grade. Then I would take my cousins clothes that she woulnt wear anymore and she never noticed that they were missing. I would hide them in different places around the house that no one goes to except me. Skip to 9th grade. I started asking my cousin about her thoughts on trans people. She seemed accepting and I was considering coming out to her but I was way too scared. Skip to 10th grade I was wearing a bra, tank top, and panties when she came home from us school early and she saw me. She thought I was lying to her about me being a girl for a while then she started to accept me and she kept it a secret. She was the only person I could trust to be femme around. Her sisters didnt even know bc they weren’t around em that much and one of them was transphobic. She would let me keep the clothes that she didnt want or couldnt fit and I felt so relieved to finally tell come out to someone. Also in 10th grade I made a instagram account for the real me @queen_snia, there I would text other trans people my age and i followed a lot of trans celebrities and Youtubers like Leverne cox,  sonnis, dawn marie, and amiyah scott. I was always jealous that they had big boobs, a feminine face, long hair, and a big butt I always told myself that i will be a beautiful woman like them one day. In 10th grade I tried to pretend I wasnt trans by getting a girlfriend and we dated for 6 months but being with her just made things worse bc I kept getting jealous that she got to be a girl and wear dresses. I eventually broke up with her and I stopped talking to her over time. My dysphonia kept getting worse to the point where I started getting jealous of almost every girl I saw. I eventually told my cousin to call me a girl and pretend it was a mistake when we were around the rest of my family. I also started to take transgender quizzes and I they would always say that I’m a woman. I would also pull my draws up to they looked like panties and that made me feel a little better but it wasnt enough. I was scared to come out to my family bc I didnt want them to disown me if they didnt like me being femme. This is starting to get long so I will make a part 2 soon

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #25575
      Ann Williams
      Participant

      FREE

      I was torn between being terse, being thorough and simply not replying at all. I chose thorough. I apologize for the length.

      I’m new here. I learned the truth about myself at the age of 59. Looking back at my life, I can see indications, including the devastation wrought by an unrecognized gender dysphoria; but, at the time, I was clueless.

      When I was in college, a fellow student, a cis woman, told me that I was “really in touch with my feminine side.” That comment stayed with me. Over time, I came to recognize that I had a strong feminine side; but, all cis men have a feminine side, and I thought I was simply more in touch with mine.

      Sometime around 12-13 years ago,perhaps more, I came to the conclusion that I would have preferred being born female. I knew next to nothing about what it meant to be transgender; I had only stereotypical notions, and they weren’t favorable or complimentary. As a long-time fan of lesbian cinema – the legitimate stuff, not the stuff made for cis men – I had encountered the term “male lesbian”; and after reviewing the characteristics I decided that that came closest to describing me. Of course, there was nothing to be done about my situation; so, I put this information on the back burner and pulled it out from time to time to review it.

      One day, about 11 years ago, I was reviewing this matter, and I happened to ask myself, “If I could be a woman, what woman would I want to be?” The answer was there, instantly, with no thought or reflection required; and the thought of being this woman sent me into outer space, where I stayed for about four days. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had just had one heck of an episode of gender euphoria.

      I was married at the time, and shared some of this with my wife, who was a cis ally on the board of the local LGBT center. Without mentioning it to me, she shared what I had shared with her with another member, a trans man. She then reported to me that he had suggested I might be transgender. I laughed. “Not me,” I thought. “I’m not one of *those* people.”

      Early in 2017, I had been divorced a little over a year. I was in my apartment, scouting around for some new project; and I remembered my “feminine side.” I remembered that psychology teaches that bringing unconscious material into the conscious and integrating it leads to a more balanced, more actualized person; so, I thought, why not?

      There are no books for this, at least none I was aware of. I thought it would be a good idea to try to pick up some feminine habits of expression and behavior, albeit only in the privacy of my home, hoping this would encourage my feminine side to express itself. When I painted my nails for the first time, I just knew I was going to look ridiculous; but I was committed to this effort and did it anyway. I was astonished by my own reaction. I loved them. The more I stared at them, drinking them in, the more I wanted to. I would gladly have left them that way until the polish wore off, if not for fear of what my employer would say.

      But it was the panties that were the most dramatic tell. I had been spending a good bit of time online by this point, learning a lot and realizing that I might actually be transgender. I was still experimenting when I put on panties for the first time. Twenty-four hours later, every pair of men’s underwear I owned was in the dumpster, covered with used cat litter – and I could not have told you why. It was not the least bit erotic. All I knew was that it had to be done.

      I eventually reached the point where I thought there was a good chance I was transgender, and had even begun to hope that I was – because being transgender, for me, meant being a woman, which would be an answer to prayer. I knew how easy it was to convince oneself of something I wanted to believe, so I made an appointment with a gender therapist in order to get an objective opinion. I did a lot of preparation for the initial interview, going over and over what I would say. The morning of the appointment, I was sitting in a parking lot in my car, again rehearsing; and an image just popped into my mind, of myself, walking down the street in a dress. And I knew.

      Since that day, there have been many confirmations – so many, in fact, that I long ago stopped trying to remember them all. I have recently become convinced that I must have exhibited signs at a very early age, and that if I could get my mother to do so, she could tell me what those were. But she and I have been estranged for many years. One day, perhaps.

      • #33524
        Jennifer Swanson
        Participant

        I just have to say that the stories shared in this post are incredible.  All of them feel real and familiar.  It’s so reassuring to realize that we have so much in common.  Like many of you I felt stirrings when I was young.  I played putting on women’s clothes and lingerie.  I liked the way I felt inside.  It was partially erotic but mostly a heightened awareness and sense of self.  I’m 67 now and I’ve had the chance to experiment more fully and I’m loving it.  My wife has been a willing spectator.  It has changed our relationship in interesting ways.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #25567
      Carrie
      Participant

      FREE

      I would have to say around 5ish, getting dresses in female costumes at kindergarten that were available with high heel shoes too, during play time, and from time to time the other students would make fun of me but oh well I did it anyway, it wasn’t till I was 19 or 20 then I started “going out” we’re talking 1979 or so, and it was still pretty dangerous back then, but of course I did it only in safe areas of Hollywood an LA, and there we not many resources back then, most was all by word of mouth, if only we had the Internet then with all resources we have now, Oh my thank you for the subject 😊

      Carrie

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #25555
      Carla Roberts
      Participant

      FREE

      A great struggle for me over the course of my 69 years. When I was very young I would play dress up often with my sister and her friends, and when alone. I had “boy” toys, but most often had play-time with two older girls who lived close, and we played “House” and “Dressup” routinely, until we moved farther away, about the time I was about 7. Living in a different area, I was somewhat discouraged from girl-play, and any time efforts to wear anything feminine would result in my being redirected to something more appropriate, and I soon learned that desire for things feminine needed to be kept in secret. There was a school play in second grade, and both boys and girls were required to wear lipstick and mascara so so our faces would be more visible, apparently. I vividly remember how wonderful I felt, being made up, and with our costumes, I felt like I was one of the girls. My enthusiasm did not go unnoticed, and I was severely shamed and teased, and although I knew what I wanted, I was also clearly aware that no one else approved. After that, all of my desire for dressing up or feminine play was done in secret, but my underlying desire was ultimately revealed, and I was known as a sissy. I, like many others, I’ve learned about,  attempted to conform to what I was told to be, while having the fantasies that somehow, I might be able to either turn into a girl, like all my friends were. I even remember once asking a much beloved young teacher if she has always been a girl, and if someone who didn’t want to be a boy, could change into a girl if they wanted to badly enough? She was very sweet and gently thought I was just being silly, and that I would love being a boy growing up, and be able to have a lot more fun than if were a girl, as boys get to do more fun things in life.

      She was partially right, as I did “Learn” to enjoy some male activities that were just somethings I had to do, in order to get along in life, but I never lost that fantasy of someday being able to a girl/woman.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #25524
      Skyler Anne
      Participant

      FREE

      I can’t remember honestly. I don’t have many memories before my grandmas passing in November of 95. I was 5 years old then. I do remember around late 5 or 6 wanting to be Ariel for Halloween. I found my moms old costumes in our attic from when she was a little girl in and fell in love with them. Unfortunately I had to go as a cowboy or something like that…

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #33413
      Seniko Usenia
      Participant

      FREE

      ~I Don’t Care What Anyone Says, (re: Doctors)

      Because I Am The One Living It, And Not The

      One Poking At Me With A Pencil…

      ~So As Far As I’m Concerned, SEX Has/Had

      A Lot To Do With It, And Directing Me, And

      Clarifying So Much, (I Don’t Wan’t To Write

      Graphically, But I Know What I Love, And

      What Excites Me The Most!) Everybody Has

      Different Levels In Their Body That May Make

      Them More/Less In Either Direction…

      ~There Are CIS Woman That Like A Variety

      So To Say, And They May Prefer One A Bit

      More Than Another, But That Doesn’t Change

      Who They Are, (For Me,) I Never Grew Up

      Around People/Family That Would’ve Ever

      Let Me Be Who I Am, I Had To Always Be

      What They Expected Me To Be, But The Exact

      Age When I Knew That I Thought That I Had

      Feelings That No Other Had Was Young, And

      To Me It Was Natural/When I Was Young I

      Was Afraid To Participate With Either SEX

      Because My …At The Time, Under-Development

      So It Prevented A Lot Of Older Male Interaction

      …And When I Got Older All I Ever Did Was

      Fantasize About Them Times, And Get Mildly

      Mad, And Frustrated That They Never Imposed

      Themselves On Me, Hm,Hm,Hmph! 🙂

      ~So To Say Honestly, I HAD To Fight Down

      Any Such Feelings When I Was Young, And

      Other People Are Overwhelmed With Their

      Make Up, That They Can’t Hold It Down/Inside

      And It Comes Right Out,,, I Used To Always

      Say, Ope, Single Child, Because Me, I Had

      Aggressive/Physical, Abusive, People Around

      Me When I Was Growing Up, Now I Can Fight

      Back/And Remove Anyone Who Doesn’t Want

      To Be Around, Or Accept Me For Who I Am Now!

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32189
      Seniko Usenia
      Participant

      FREE

      ~Yes,Yes,Yes, Yes It Is…

      “It’s Maddening At Times!”

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