In my mid Elementary years I had a muse called JoAnn, but this muse was also a role model. When I saw her happily play in our apartment complex in the cute dresses with darling bows her Latina mom dressed her in, I felt left out and jealous. I would leave my brothers to do their bike riding and look for her. My hopes were always that she would invite me to play barbies again. Whenever she didn't ask I felt a deep sense of being let down and of immediacy - as if I knew my favorite part of the day - "barbie time" - could vanish any moment. Still, I would not ask to play, cause boys couldn't do it. Instead I stood around hoping she would ask. Story of my life. My fear of being and doing things integral to my identity - my desire to play in a safe place like a little girl, instead of feeling ever present pressure and bullying with the boys - kept me from fully embracing my developing gender identity and setting it aside for the perfect moment. Well, sadly I moved to the other side of town where I had no girl to befriend and consequently give me the chance to simply be a girl with her. Without an outlet for practicing my true gender identity anymore, I began to secretly dress myself up and make myself up in my late elementary years when my parents were away. At first, it was just the quest for that feeling of being the "me" I really was - the "me" that didn't feel constant distress in the boy setting. I was finding myself. Puberty, a bit later on, united it with a distinct nascent feminine sensuality. It became more than just dressing up. Now it was fantasy. I never realized that my female gender identity was not mere fantasy until fairly recently. I pushed my true self aside by labeling myself as gay. Ironically, these were the last vestiges of the socialized masculinity my dad had put me through. Three recent events made me realize I can no longer put the little girl inside me that wanted to bring back the wonderment within me - those butterflies of femininity in my stomach whenever I got the chance to be a woman. My doctor suggested transitioning. I felt so honored and elated, but declined thanks to many excuses I made to myself. A few days ago I notified my doctor of my true gender identity and of my interest in transitioning. I simply can't wait to begin.