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Hello everyone,
I’m really looking forward to speaking with you all. This is my first time talking about this to anyone besides my wife and cousin. I’ve always felt bisexual/pansexual but never acted on it besides my first kiss, which was a boy at 6 years old. My dad saw it and I learned not to do that anymore. I used to run a business but fell 30 ft in August of 2021. Since then I’ve been on disability. I’ve come from a wheelchair to now walking with a cane but am physically healed as much as possible now. I was married to a cisgender female for 18 years and we have 2 teens. After splitting up, I met another woman that has been wonderful. We were due to be married 3 weeks after my accident. Even through all of my injuries, I still did it. I was so happy. Six months later, depression came along with a real desire to be a woman. That was 1.5 years ago at the time of this writing. I finally told my wife last week and she’s surprisingly partially supportive (I told you that she’s wonderful). She was ok with me shaving my body and even painting my fingernails! I did it that night and have never felt so happy in my life. Now, I feel like I can’t leave my house. I live in a smallish town that is not accepting and I know way too many people. I also feel that I can’t tell anyone besides my wife. I’m pretty sure that no one else including family would ever speak to me again. I really just want to move far away where no one knows me and live a new life including HRT. This isn’t really an option because I won’t abandon my wife and kids (The kids don’t know about any of this). I’m just trying to navigate my new normal and figure out what to do, if anything. 💅🦵❤️✌️
Kacey,
If the picture is real, you look very young and look female. Besides that, do you think a county, not a town, of 50K is large or small? That is the county size I live in, and the town is overall conservative-minded. I’m older, but I came to a point where I could no longer resist coming out and presenting as a woman. You need to decide for yourself whether you can live a lie to yourself and others or whether you need to express your true spirit. Before I came out, I solidified who I truly was by seeking a gender therapist, one who I told to tell me whether my feelings were real or if I were crazy.
For your sanity, it wouldn’t matter where you live. If you really are the woman you say you are, nothing will hold you back and you may find as I, there may be more acceptance than you imagine. You know change, and a dramatic change such as this in our day and age, does take courage. Are you courageous? I caution you though, you may get incensed by some people’s nonacceptance. For myself, I let them be and don’t allow them to bother me. You don’t need negativity if you want your life to be positive.
JAKe/Jeri
Hi,
Yeah, I should change that picture. It’s from a gender swap app. I didn’t think about how young I look. It’s my face but not my hair and it made me look really good. 🤣 I’m 44 and had a 30 ft fall that broke a lot of bones in my face a couple of years ago. It’s not horrible but I’m a little shy about it.
I’ve made an appointment with a gender therapist as well. I’m really looking forward to it. I couldn’t imagine transitioning in a county that small. I’m courageous but cautious. This is all really new so I’m trying to take baby steps. I’ll get there.~Kacey
Hi Kacey, glad to hear that you are recovering. I too live in a small rural community and it feels as though everyone knows who I am even if I don’t know who they are. LOL!
Yes, coming out is scary and I started with nail polish just as you are doing. Yes, there was gossip after I started openly wearing dresses in public. But there was no animosity, no hostility, nothing that made me feel uncomfortable. I realized that most people don’t care what you look like or what you are wearing because they have other things on their mind. Nowadays I present as androgynous when going somewhere for the first time in public. I was mistaken for the older sister of my daughter at one place. LOL!
Kind regards, Rowena 👩🦳
Hi Kasey!
I only came out myself recently. I can tell you that everyone’s comfort level is different. I was hid for 60 years and ended up depressed and anxious. I didn’t think anyone would be there for me. I did lose two daughters and two brothers but I gained a whole chosen family members. My best friend didn’t support me at first but now is my biggest cheerleader. I live in a red conservative town and state but I was able to find a supportive church which is very important to me.
The only advice I can give you is to do and be what you think is best for you. Cis females I’ve found are usually more accepting.
Best of luck in whichever direction you choose, but don’t expect your femininity to go away because it’ll catch up to you in the end. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. You’re lucky in that you have your wife supporting you, many people do not. I agree with Jack, maybe you should talk with a therapist.
Sincerely; RaquelHi!
I totally feel you. I wish I would have done this sooner too. I’m working on going into the public eye the way that I’d like to. There is a really nice small Facebook group here that meets on Thursday’s at a very small bar. I’m going to start there. You’re not expected to drink and most people don’t look super young. There are all ages there. They play games and have dress up nights. It doesn’t seem to be a hook up type of meeting as I’m not into that. Families of everyone attend regularly as well. It’s about community. I’m planning on going this week if possible. As for my kids, I’m sure that my daughter would be totally fine with it. We had a great conversation coming home from her band competition not long ago. She told me that she likes both girls and boys (she’s an early teen about to be in high school). I told her that I’ve always felt the same way and we had a nice talk 😊. My son will be a senior. He has lots of health issues and has been bullied up until 10th grade. I’ll have to wait until he’s out of high school to tell him. I don’t want to cause any more problems for him. He got into a special school and life improved dramatically for him. He’s now with his type of people. Kind of like I feel here and I’d never mess that up for him.
Also, I have a potentially great therapist lined up as I know the importance of my mental health. I’ve been in dark places before and never intend to go back there. Thank you for suggesting to see one.
It’s been nice speaking with you. I’m sure that we’ll talk again soon.
~Kacey
Kacey:
Happy that you found us and I hope that being here will be useful as your journey continues.
There are some interesting parallels regarding our 2 lives. I also identify as transgender and non-binary. Eventually I came to the conclusion that my gender identity was never completely male nor, for that matter, completely female. I am an amalgam of male and female thoughts, likes/dislikes and perspectives. When I sorted that out, a number of things about my life began to make sense. In the early 90’s (early 40’s for me) I began to think of myself as gay. I did act upon it, and to my surprise, there was no hesitation, doubt or regret. It felt very comfortable. About a year later it occurred to me that I was still attracted to women. My thought process shifted a bit and I thought of myself as bisexual. The woman I was seeing at the time, who would eventually be my 2nd wife, talked me into going to an event where the admission was free if you crossdressed. I resisted, but she wore me down.
Similar to my first intimate experience with a man, I didn’t feel odd in the clothes. I had a bit of anxiety because even though we were in another town and 45 miles from where I lived, there was a possibility that I might be seen by someone that I knew. But, excluding that, I felt very comfortable and that was a revelation. For the next few years I thought of myself as a crossdresser. However, as time went on, it seemed that something else was going on. Eventually it became clearer that I was transgender. These days I present as DeeAnn at least 95% of the time. I hold office in 5 organizations and DeeAnn is the person of record for all.
My social transition is essentially complete, but I have no plans for any medical procedures as I have never felt that I was in the wrong body. The male aspects of my body are not a source of distress for me.
I worked in Taiwan for 6 years. My wife would come over and stay for most of the winters. 16 years ago, a few days before she was to return to the US, she had a bad bicycle accident on our wedding anniversary. The result was a spinal cord injury and she has used a wheelchair ever since. I think we both have been lucky. You can die from a 10 foot fall, let along a 30 foot one. Further, my wife could have easily died in that crash. Even though your life and ours instantly became much more difficult, it could have been much worse.
Often when people are near to the beginning of their journey, I will tell them that many here have worked with a therapist and found it very useful. The problem is that our minds work to protect us and try to lower our stress levels. However, thinking about our gender identity and the significant changes that might be needed in our lives is very scary stuff. We tend to not want to think about this at any length, even though we need to. What a therapist can do is work to keep us focused on what we need to think about and help work towards a better understanding. But, as was stated, it needs to be someone with experience in gender issues. Not everyone has that interest and background.
I think it is important to realize that our journeys are not a sprint. They are marathons. Conscious thought will always be helpful and haste is our enemy.
Thank you for the great response! After reading some others stories here, I see that we’re not alone. I’m 44. These feelings have always been here but after that accident, things changed. They are still changing. I have a different outlook on life. Things are sweeter. I see the beauty in everything now like I never did before. It also helped me realize that life is short and you have to take care of yourself and be true to yourself. So here I am trying to figure all of that out.
I totally agree with the therapist comment. I found a local one that specializes in these things and has been through similar experiences. I was surprised to find her here. Thank you for the kind words and I look forward to speaking to you again.
One of the things that I have learned, starting around 30 years ago, is that The Universe or God or whatever fits into ones belief system, sometimes gives us signs. Previously I tended to ignore these kinds of things, but something happened that made me take notice.
The short version of the story is this. In 1990 my employer was looking for people to transfer to a plant that we had in Illinois. I was living in Ohio at the time. I volunteered and the deal was that after 2 years I would transfer to another plant we had in California. That was my ultimate goal: make it to California. As the 2 year time period got closer, it was looking iffy as to whether or not the rebuilding of the plant was actually going to happen. My transfer was dependent upon the rebuilding.
About this time I received a call from a headhunter. We talked and I was very noncommittal, but I was a bit curious. The main problem was that I would be going to New York State, which was obviously the wrong direction according to my plans. I went back east for a series of interviews. A couple of days after I got back to Illinois, I had a call from the department manager who organized the interviews. He said the interviews went well and there was the possibility of making an offer. He asked if I would be interested. I said that I would strongly consider it, without saying Yes or No. However, my thought was that I was still hoping that the transfer to California was still viable.
At the time, I was working on finishing up a quality assurance program for the plant. Previously the plant had scored 35% and was the last of the 7 plants in the company. I was drafted into taking the project over and reworking everything, even thought I had no background in this field. Eventually, due to what I did with the program we came to be the 2nd of the seven plants at 85%.
I had purchased several copies of a special issue of Business Week the was devoted to the latest thinking around quality assurance and methodologies. It included interviews with Deming and Crosby, the stalwarts of the field at the time. I had passed out copies to the staff members and as I was preparing to go home, I realized that there were a couple of articles that I had not read. I tossed the magazine into my brief case. It sort of went sideways and opened up. The page it opened to had a photo of the CEO of the company that I had been interviewing with.
IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT I STARTED TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF JOINING THE COMPANY!
As I said, sometimes The Universe has a message for us.
I took it to be a sign from God and or the Universe when I first lost my wife of 32 years, then was laid off from work and no openings within a 75-mile radius of where I was staying in VT. I was left with only me and my little chihuahua to worry about, could collect unemployment for a year, start collecting a good SS. Telling me it was time to retire and start living as the real me. My Gerri and I had tried 3 during our marriage for me to transition but as she always said “Life interfered” so it looked like now was my time. So, I started my SS on May 1 2009, packed up all my boy clothes except a couple pair of jeans, took everything to Salvation Army and never looked back. Thanks to the 32 years of acceptance and support of me for all the 32 years together walked out the door head held high with total confidence and self esteem.
Kacey
welcome dear. my guess is your first wife was pretty wonderful too if you got 18 years together..winks.
anyway, congratulations on surviving that horrible fall n finding us n a supportive community n wife. as was said, we all do different versions at different speeds, because everyone’s situation is different.
the important things are you’re OK, you have a small but growing support network, n you found us..which I use for friendship n for education from others by old posts n asking new questions. everyone has been great. I’m sure you’ll be happy dear.
welcome
hugs
Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I’m finding a great community here and have already benefited from them. I went into public today with legs and arms shaved and fingernail polish on. No makeup as someone suggested to me. It was fantastic. I felt good about myself and surprisingly not too self conscious. It was a great suggestion to start slow like that. And as a big plus, my wife helped me pick out a super cute outfit that fits!
Thanks again,
~K
Hello Kacey,
Welcome to our TransGender Heaven (TGH) site: A Transgender Support Site. We are a wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.
You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.
Glad you are here. Looking forward to seeing you on the site.
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