lost myself

  • Creator
  • #125498

    hi, im shawna

    a little about my life and maybe some understanding…. i always felt like i was a female since i can remember, i always played with girls as i was growing up i secretly dressed in my friends clothes when we was at her house then she caught me and started helping me dress and act like a girl at around 8 i always hid these things from my friends besides her and my mom, well my mother started becoming suspicious of my way i carried myself and found panties my friend was giving me that her mom bought new and some dresses and shoes, she started to take me to counseling and found i was happy being me a little dirty blonde girl with a happy smile. she moved me away from my sperm donor who never had much to do with me but only a hour and half away, when we moved to the new town no one knew anything about me i remeber the first day going to make firends at the park my mom bought me a cute white and pink dress and cute little pink sandals and as soon as i went to the park i had 2 little girls start playing with me and one turned into my best best friend…. i started going to school in that town and for 2 years i was a happy tween with good grades and tons of girl friends a couple of boys wanted to hang with me but i had no interest. i played with dolls, and playing princes and always looked brightly towards the future, going to proms in pretty prom gowns and getting married and being a beautiful bride, unfortunately all that stopped when dad who i didnt know was struggling to gain custody cause he didnt like my choice of being a girl my mo got in a bad car accident and was drunk and had pot on her well that was the key for him to get custody when he came and got me from the foster house he didnt want none of my clothes or belongings he took me straight to the barber and had my beautiful long (close to my butt) dirty blonde hair and had it all cut off to a crew cut…. i was devastated i cried as they were using that electric razor and my hair just falling to the ground, then i was still in tears when we went to sears and him and the step mother bought me a wardrobe full of boy clothes forced to go to school dressed as a boy and all my grades just plumeted then a few months later i was enrolled in boy scouts i begged not to go but i was always told me ” son you will be taught how to be a man ” well after a few camp excursions and trying to fit in a new boy came and joined and his dad who the boy unfortunately was from my old town and school as soon as he saw me he looked at me weird and when i was introduced he said my girl name out loud before they even finished my name. then he told everyone about me and my lifestyle in the old school and even brought a year book from there with several pictures of me in a formal dress to when i was in gym and even dance that started every boy there to bully and pick on me we went to campouts and other kids started tormenting me then one night we had a campout at or cabin where we held meeting and since every boy didnt want me to stay in their tent i was told i could stay in the tent with a chaperone who after we got in our sleeping bags he started touching me andhad me touch ihm i was so uncortable and scared to even say anything cause the other boys looked at me as a girl and a wuss he made me go down on him and finished in my mouth and i got so sick. this started happening at other campouts and he had a music store had sleepovers at sometimes i would be the only one dropped off i cried and begged my dad not to go anymore he ignored me and got very mad one day, then the boy who noticed me dad who was a assistant scout master was taking each boy on  walks to test their knowledge of the woods and identifying bugs and wild life plus compass skills well it was my turn he called me and went to his car and got a backpack i never seen him take one with others. well as we walked into the woods he started asking about me and school back in the old town and why i wanted to be a girl and then aski8ng if i ever been with a boy before i replied no i havent he asked why i just told him i wasnt interested in boys then he asked if i ever wore make up and i was wondering why he was asking and i never lied so i told him i just started wearing eye make up and lips gloss well his questions were getting more and more in depth about the old me and it felt like we walked for hours we were at least 3 miles from the cabin and near the train tracks then he stopped and put a blanket down and told me to get undressed i wanted to scream but i dont think anyone would hear me… he started pulling out stuff from the back pack and i saw a pistol he then laid down a wig, some lace lingerie and stockings and high heel shoes then pulled out a small box containing makeup he told me to put everything on and if a did anything to cause attention he would shoot me and if i told anyone about what we were doing he would kill my mom and my family and me afteri got all dressed and hurt my ankle trying to stand in them damn shoes he pushed me down onthe blanket tied my hands behind my back  then turned me over and put my legs on his shoulders and butually raped me he taped my mouth when i started crying and screaming it hurt!! for what seemed like hours i cried in pain then after he was almost done he ripped the tape of my mouth and forced that gross thing in my thorat til he completed his actions. then he untide me made me clean up at the lake and siad we will be doing this again i cried and he told me to not look like i was by the time i got back……since then i blamed myself for dressing like i was and thoughts that i could be a girl, well after 39 years and kids and marriage i still pee sitting i shave my body smooth daily and in the past few years secretly dressing but i have went to a hotel had my make up done by a professional and i felt so pretty andat ease with myself when i went with a couple girls i met in a online girl chat and told them about me im wanting to start hrt and start my transformation i need some backing and would love advise and help from other gurls and real girls about being a lady. well thanks for letting me vent a bit chao to all!!!!!

    4 users thanked author for this post.
Viewing 4 reply threads
  • Author
    • #125515
      Terri Anne

      Hello Shawna,

      Welcome to our TransgGender Heaven (TGH) site: A Wonderful, Accepting, Loving, Helpful Community where you can be safe and be yourself.
      The Warmth, Compaasion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
      You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
      My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.

      Glad you are here,
      Terri Anne, Ambassador

      ======= Here is a link to the MtoF Chat room: ========

      ======== TGH Membership PLANS ===================

      =========== TGH How-to Navigation ============================

    • #125511

      Hi Shawna,

      I can’t add anything to what Jessica, Abby, and Brielle have said — only echo it. Please believe them; these girls are the best. This is a good place. Feel safe.

      Love, Jane

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #125509

      Hi Shawna,

      You brave, wonderful girl! It’s hard to believe these things are done by people who you are told to trust and respect! I hope they have a special place of torment ready and waiting for them when their time comes. I’m not usually one to wish others ill, but that is just heartbreaking and should not go unpunished.

      BUT, you not only survived, but sounds like you’ve thrived – a family, kids, and now being able to be your true self. Congratulations on just being here, GF! So many like you have ended up taking their own lives or become one of society’s “castoffs”. I am so sorry you had to endure so much abuse and hatred, but you will find none of that here! I wish I could just give you a big hug, but a virtual one will have to do!


      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #125508

      Hi Shawna. I’m glad you came here. I was molested by my father but it was all by hand. Beyond that I could not begin to relate to what you went through. I buried my incidents way back in the nether reaches of my mind. For decades.
      You were violated in so many ways beside the sex abuse and rape. You were forced to “be” a girl. Your dresses and other clothes were taken from you. Your long beautiful hair was cut off and replaced with the opposite – the shortest cut possible. So many things.
      You have put decades between all that and now, but I can’t imagine that the pain is not still there. Less maybe – even much less – but not gone. You learn to cope, put it in it’s place. That’s what we try to do. I wish I could take all those bad memories away for you.
      Anyway, if you haven’t done so already it might be worth seeing a counselor. My love is with you.


      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #125500

      Hello Shawna your Story made me Cry Welcome to TGH.. this is a Safe Place to Be Your True Self…
      And Make Wonderful Friends who Understand… and are willing to Help you… on your Journey…
      We are all here for you and each other.. Be Safe..Be Your True Self
      With Love Jessica 💕

      1 user thanked author for this post.
Viewing 4 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

©2022 Transgender Heaven | Privacy | Terms of Service | Contact Vanessa | Affiliate

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Transgender Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

If you don't see the captcha above please disable ad and tracking blockers and reload the page.