My first wife (of 38 yrs) found out early (by catching me dressed) in our marriage that I crossdressed. This was the early 70s so there was no internet and very little information about being transgender. What might have been available made us to be some fringe spectacle person much to be gawked at or ridiculed. At that time I had no idea that I was trans, but I did know that crossdressing didn't help me because it couldn't make me a woman I felt I was. Looking back I see I was trans but didn't realize it at that time.
My first wife couldn't handle the idea that her husband wanted yo be a woman. I stopped dressing but as partners do often sense, she understood something was mot right. I did my best to keep "it" hidden while attempting to talk it out with her. She wanted nothing to do with "it". Her response, "that's your gender thing, you work it out yourself." She finally divorced me because of my "gender thing."
My second wife knew about my gender brokenness before marriage. She accepted that I was such, but even today doesn't understand how much being a woman means to me.
We had a very revealing talk about 4 years ago. I did my best to explain who I was inside. She listened intently and floored me with her response. "OK, so what can I do to help you be the woman that you want to be." For a short time I was able to be myself enough to meet my need while still being man enough to meet her needs for s man. In those 'man mode" times much of my femininity bled over. This made her noticably uncomfortable so I stopped my feminine growth and expression. She was thankful that I did so. The reality of the depth of my femininity scared her I believe. She could see plainly how at home I was as a woman.
We are now working with a therapist toward meeting both our needs, mine to be myself as needed while managing being my male self for her needs and her to be able to support the masculine me while she grows comfortable with my feminine self.
Certainly not sn easy dance.
Kindly,
Charlene
Hi Barbie,
My wife and can talk about anything except this lifestyle. When I came out to her about need to crossdress, I was completely transparent with her at first and had every intention of keeping it that way. Unfortunately, this is a subject she clearly wants no part of. Her tone of voice, her short, snappy answers, and her body language all make me feel very uncomfortable bringing up the subject. The openness and honesty has gone out the window. It's more a DADT type of relationship. This really goes a lot deeper than crossdressing and as much as I want to be open and honest, I feel it's better if I don't say anything.
I was already out and fully living in my truth before I had met my now-fiancé, who is also a transgender man. My existence actually cracked his egg, if you will.
Before him I was young and dated multiple cisgender people. Most of these relationships were on the shallow side since we were all young (a couple were not and ended disastrousously, as teenage ones do). But still, I find that my cisgender partners that I only had for a brief time disrespected my trans identity that I have had since I was 13. I have been open and honest going into all of it, and they'd date me and still treat my transness like trash.
Of course, it's possible that they have grown since then, but I hear it's very common for much older cisgender people to lust after us and hide that affection like it's a dirty secret. I've been lusted after like that by older men in my adult years, including those who wanted to hurt me.
So I am tired of it. I have no patience for it. I have an open, honest, and fulfilling relationship with another transgender man. When we explore new things, we don't get fussy, scared, hide things from each other... no. It's exciting and fun, and it's just a normal element of our relationship. It's messed up to me that cisgender (particularly the heterosexual variety) people are conditioned a certain way so that intimate communication is sometimes a tense game, for some people. You see so many straight people making jokes about how bad their relationships are for a reason.
Obviously not everyone is out by the time I'm out. But people deserve dignity and support when they come out so they can at least get their "New You" in the world together. Because face it, yes, you are still the same person, but you are stepping into a new public-facing social role by transitioning... and I think it's worth it. Forget these people who don't like it.
I have recently come out to my wife, and we have had so many conversations over the past weeks. Thankfully she is becoming more and more accepting of me - in fact she recently talked about renewing our vows (we'll be married 33 years in August) and said she didn't want me to wear male clothes! That said, I hold back on some of the communication - yet every time I speak with her she accepts it...eventually.
what a great uplifting story. I hope that your comment inspires other girls to live.
My vote of yes comes with an asterisk. I can’t believe it’s been nearly three years since I came clean with my wife. Many things have changed since then but many things have not. My wife has accepted things within her limits. I follow these limitations because of our wanting to stay together. We will occasionally talk about it but not much. I am always wearing a bra and panties, always... lately I have started to push the limits showing more chest. She has allowed this and several times we have shared a nice long hug which just gives me so much validation.
The people that now know has grown somewhat, my wife’s friend knows and accepts me completely. She is great and I enjoy our time with her.
Still I’m limiting myself, I would start transitioning tomorrow were things different. ❤️ Love to all, Katie
Dear Katie. Thanks for sharing your story. Our lives can be like walking the high wire hang in there
I’ve been out for over 8 years. My wife and I have been married for close to 19 years. She knows essentially everything about me. Early on we had some extended conversations as she wanted to understand how things sat for me. Sexual orientation and gender identity were never a problem for her. She just wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling. I retired at the beginning of 2016 and we relocated to Southern California. I present as DeeAnn 95%+ of the time and that is who I am known as across all of my civic, political and non-profit activities.
