It wasn’t until I was into my 30 something stage of life that this paradox became an understanding of a truth for me.
You see, most of my life to this point had been a steep downward helix of codependent behaviors and drama; I so desperately wanted to be loved and treated with respect, but it seemed that the harder I tried to be the perfect person for someone, anyone, the worse things got.
I did everything I could think of to earn the respect and love of others, especially my partners yet the drama, loneliness and of course the self-inflicted suffering continued relentlessly.
Self inflicted? Yes, I say that because of what I now know to be a truth. As I sat in the police station explaining the situation that had gotten me assault charges, the cop who had arrested me said “I was married to a woman like that once too”; I left.
When people show you their true colors, believe them the first time.
I just wanted her to stop hitting me and smashing my things. The abuse hurt so much that my rage would fly as I punched holes in walls but never hit back. I spent an awful lot of money fixing things and I got incredibly good at doing drywall repairs.
Then one hot midsummer afternoon, amid yet another shouting match between us, something different happened; something in me shifted. Prior to this moment I was not aware of feeling hurt inside, all I felt was the anger and I was not even aware of that until it was red lining, then I too would lash out; that is called –
The Drama Triangle.
This day though, I noticed my feelings, and I changed my mind. I decided I would no longer allow the abuse to continue. I said to my partner, “I am no longer going to allow you to hit me and smash my things. I was taught to never hit a girl and I never have, but I have changed my mind. Just so you know, and I have been clear, from now on if you hit me, I am going to hit you back.” Obviously, this was not the best course of action to take, however, the point was, that I was no longer going to allow myself to be abused. I had had enough of being hit and hurt.
I have since learned that we do not stop doing anything until we have had enough; whether its eating ice cream and chocolate cake or allowing ourselves to be abused. It took me over a decade of being hit to say, enough, I will not allow this to continue. One quote I had read around that time helped me.
“Don’t run back to the thing that hurts you”
But I did, time and time again, until I decided I had had enough.
I decided to learn the life skills of Self-approval, Self-love, and Self-care. The abuse was self-inflicted, because I stayed in that violent relationship and allowed the abuse to continue for over a decade.
The Magical Paradox
As I began to practice taking better care of myself and learning to love and respect myself, the need to “get” love or respect from outside of my-Self, became increasingly less important in my life, and the more respectful and loving “I” treated me, the more others automatically did as well.
I no longer needed or cared if others loved me because “I did,” and the more I did, the more they did.
Others will treat you the same way you do,
so treat “you”, kindly, with love and respect.
This holiday season, or any season really, give your Self a gift only you can give. Learn about codependency and begin to practice the Life Skills of Self-care and Self-love.
A wise person once said, “of all the people on this planet, you are the only one that you will never lose, and never leave, so learn to love your Self. Then teach that to everyone you know improving your own life, and theirs as well.
Make this a Happy and Safe Holiday Season dear souls; thank you for reading Your Weekly Reset and thank you for being exactly who you are!
More Articles by Charee
- Happy Holidays?
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- Getting back to normal?
- Something to Celebrate
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Hi Char I mostly recognized myself in your story. I have also been in a violent relationship. My wife did the verbally abuse and her son did the physical abuse. We had cops at our house at least once a week, an everybody treated me as the perpetrator, once they took me to the police station and locked me in for the night. I can absolutely not hurt anyone, not even if I’m physically abused. That marriage ended some twelve years ago and I have not recuperated fully yet. Now I’m learning be myself. The girls at work says I’m… Read more »
Lily -Rose, my heart reaches out and wraps a big warm huggle all around yours Hon. One thing I have learned is this Hon; The more I imagine my-Self as “being” confident, courageous, proud even, but never arrogant, the more I become that. It’s so amazing, just sitting quiet, like meditating quiet, and really “being” on all levels in that imagined world; feeling like its already your reality, for even just a few minutes every day, and somehow, it happens. If you do nothing else, imagine and feel grateful Hon; everything is possible in my mind hehehe Namaste’ n huggles… Read more »
Thank you Char. Loving myself has been the hardest thing to learn.
Peace and love,
omg no kidding hey? hahaha People look at me strange when I say the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to be is myself hahaha
They laugh and say, what else could you be? and I say, I have a long list of character roles I have tried on in the game of self-suppression.
I have a poster on my wall a friend who was spending some time recuperating in hospital, psych ward, “Be Awesome and give no F***ks” … hahaha I love it!
Namaste’ Jaymie Hon
n huggles of course
Wonderful and touching article, Char. Thank you…I needed this today. The wise one you quote is so on target. The more I can do to improve your life, the more my life improves. Oh, so true.
Peace and love Carly
Riiight? Its such a huge understanding that so few connect with.
I love who you are Carly, what a gift you are Dear
n huggles for you Hon