Thinking back over my life, I remember a strange attraction to girly things as early as age four. I would go to family gatherings, wishing my hair was long so I could wear pretty hair ribbons and barrettes. I wanted to wear a pretty dress and cute shoes. My mom made her own clothes. She would comment to her friends about how she wished she had a little girl whom she could make clothes for. I always secretly wished that she’d make girl’s clothes for me to wear.
I was attracted to girls sexually, but I also wanted to do and wear what they did. As puberty raised its ugly head, I felt the urges of a young male, but I also started to develop boobs, which was a kick in the pants. I wasn’t a fat kid and I wasn’t skinny either. I felt self-conscious, believing they were huge, and did everything I could to hide them. I hated taking off my shirt to swim or when I played “shirts and skins” basketball with others.
I always kind of knew that my situation wasn’t right. It wasn’t until many years later, and after I was married, that I had a test to find out. It revealed that I had super low testosterone. Gee… a full 38 C chest isn’t normal for a guy…go figure. Because of the low testosterone, my sex drive was low and nearly non-existent. My wife swore that I was either cheating on her or gay. And yet, I still secretly stare at myself in a bra and wonder who or what am I. It affected me physically, as I lost length and volume to my genitalia. One day, when I sat on a metal chair, it felt as if I slid on something. I stood up briefly to look before sitting back down, noticing a squishy feeling when I sat that I hadn’t noticed before. I became all too aware of it from then on; it seemed my behind had added a few layers!
Long hair, makeup, painted nails, dresses, and skirts don’t make you a woman; it’s simply what society views as being female. These are the things that I desire most of the time. I truly believe hormones can sway your feelings and your mood, but is it still possible that you’re supposed to be male but with estrogen being more dominate. You know, if it had given me a feminine voice or a more girly figure, then I might be more accepting. For me, I ended up with what everyone associates most with being female and is also the hardest to hide–boobs!
For those who are thinking take the testosterone, I’ve done that, and it made matters worse. The doctor’s explanation is that my body has a set level of testosterone that it will accept. When there is excess, it converts it into estrogen, in a similar manner as to what happens to a body builder who overuses steroids. As I age, my chest seems to be slowly growing again. I worry about what will happen when male hormones naturally start to drop as it eventually does in aging men.
I feel as if I don’t fit into many of the norms. My mind goes back and forth with male and female thoughts. I don’t just think “Oh my, that’s a cute bikini; I want to be a girl now. It’s more the issue of what the lack of testosterone has done to me, and how it’s impacted my body and mind. If I had started looking and feeling like a girl, then I wouldn’t have any reason to doubt what I am. These strange feelings and urges, and how I might look good in that bikini wouldn’t be happening. There are no ready answers on what to do, or how to be normal or right. This feeling of being caught in the middle of two worlds is killing me slowly. It’s not like I can just flip a coin and choose one or the other. I’m literally trapped; unsure of what lies down the road and what my outcome will be.