During the holidays, a friend asked me how my marriage was going. I gave the regular answer (I mean normal, not in a dismissive tone. I love my wife, and we are very happy, but I don’t want to bore anyone with it) and continued talking about the weather and clothes. She admired my ensemble and was very curious about how it was that I always managed to do stuff in high heels. At the same time, she is a total blob, like Bambi, every time she wears a pair of 3″ (I usually wear anything between 4″ and 5″ for everyday stuff, except walking, which is a no-go and my trusty flats are in charge of that task when I am commuting on the train or subway), this seems a recurrent topic when a cis-woman finds out that I am a transwoman, other topics go to makeup (they are always surprised that I am good at it) or clothes (how I manage to get my size or where they can get my size.)
It’s that low-key surprise that a “not” girl can do “girl stuff” better than “they would do.” *Here is where yours truly takes a deep breath and says: “Yeah, it’s just practice. makeup, walking in heels, putting together a look, hundreds of mag flipping, YouTube/TT/Insta beauty tutorials and the will -and enough dysphoria LOL- to put on the hours)*
Disclaimer: End of the rant. Back to the topic.
Then the conversation turned a little more into more curious topics, and she asked me if I had ever been interested in marrying a guy, or at least someone who identified as such. And THAT sent me down a rabbit hole of why am I like this? As a transwoman, we are very good at doing it. I mean, how many of you have not spent an entire afternoon at work, commuting, or in the middle of a meeting lost in those thoughts only to find out that the thing has ended, and we have no idea what anything was about.
Of course, that inner turmoil also triggered my second fear: Is my wife happy? Is she OK with me? Has she ever had second thoughts about us? Is there anything I should change? Yes, I must take more care of… The fear was put to rest when my wife answered in her incredible practical way: “Yes, I love you, and we are together. The only time I don’t feel comfortable is when I see our bathroom cupboard and a new box of eyeshadow alongside the other four that are still quite new,” and laughed about it.
This conversation gave me insight into why I was with her, why I have always gravitated towards female friends more than males, and later with self-identified women. And that is the ease with which I find myself in a peaceful, pleasant conversation with zero drama. Hollywood and soap operas usually portray women as drama-prone. But believe me; however, I have always found talking to males and male-oriented folks an easy type of conversation. Only with female-identifying people have I always felt fulfilled, like the interaction and the emotions always get in sync. There is an inner form of communication underneath all the blah, blah, blah that happens outside.
And there, my dearest readers, is where all this train of thought began. Do I identify myself in a fluid way or more in a binary way?
Non-binary, queer, and gender-fluid have a different conversation to which I don’t think I am informed or identified enough to talk about knowledgeably, despite being friends with many people that identify as such, and that is because my own journey has landed me on a kind of binary situation.
When I started my transition process, I had zero idea where I was going to land, so I embraced my fluidity and the fact that I was not part of the binary world; I know, in reality, I am and will never be binary, but hear me out, please. After struggling with becoming a woman, I put all my effort into going all the way to the other side, and I ended in a “most of the time” convincing and “few times questioning” female-presenting form.
I know that female passing is a privilege and that living in an accepting society plays a significant role in that. If the country or city that you are living in is relaxed with queer folk, you get more chances of practising, training, and accessing resources that cater to women, and that is an advantage. Stana, from the world-renowned “Femulate” website, frequently mentions that the state where she lives (on top of her fabulous wife) is so friendly she has been able to go shop “en femme” and the people are OK.
Disclaimer: If you haven’t poured a nice cuppa or some wine, I don’t know what we are doing here because this is a girl talking, and I am spending a nice moment with my friends.
So, back to the topic. The fact that I identify as a woman (transwoman) and that I have a visible lesbian relationship puts me in a very well-known box according to societal standards, and I would not like it otherwise. The changes I have gone through have pushed me so much that after starting as a fluid person, I ended up in an established box where people can see and understand me in a way that makes our lives easier.
Let’s tie the loose ends: Have I ever wanted to date a male/male-identifying person? No. As I was going through the process of understanding who I was, I could identify my attraction to women; I mean, I like women so much that I became one, right?
Did I date guys? As someone on the search journey, I would say the answer is yes. But that was not entirely OK. It was kind of awkward for me, hence the previous “I would.” I needed to understand if I was in a different place regarding preferences, and then I found that, no, guys were not my thing. So my journey became two thousand percent more difficult (Also, it is very awkward when the blue prince asks what shoe size you are and if he can try your heels.)
It is not easy to explain the difference between Identity and Expression to a binary world, so I usually use my Gender Unicorn to put it in a way that is easier for somebody else to understand themselves or other people: I Identify as Female. My Expression is Feminine. I was Assigned Male at birth. I am Physically Attracted to Women and also Emotionally Attracted to Women.
So, in a nutshell, Would I say I fall into the binary definition? As you can see, probably yes, but nobody in our little corner of the Gender spectrum can be 100%.
*This is when we keep the convo going and pour another glass of… well you choose*
More Articles by (((Marianne))) ✡️ 🌈
- I have always been Wrong
- My Spirit Animal
- The case for “Passing”
- A more detailed response to a Forum question
(((Marianne))) ✡️ 🌈
Latest posts by (((Marianne))) ✡️ 🌈 (see all)
- Am I Binary after all these Years? - January 8, 2024
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Thank you for your answer. I agree with you that, in general behaviour, those may feel like microaggressions. But in the context of a group (the same thing happens when you find other people like you, i.e. another Brit, another Mexican, another Vegan or the like), they are an acceptance if made with enough chutzpah and understanding that it is welcome to someone that they didn’t think about before. Of course, if those first statements are followed by less nuanced comments about how a “not-woman" can look and act better than them, then I usually ignore them and leave as… Read more »
(((Marianne))) ✡️ 🌈 I find that there is one thing for me. I do not want a relationship with a man I only want a relationship with a woman. Yes having fun with a man which leads to sexual deeds happens. I do not know where I am on the scale. ut when I was younger in the 70’s it was against the law in the U.K. to be anything other than your birth gender. Men would be beat up for dressing or being involved with other men. When bi become a common term used it was eye opening for the… Read more »
Thank you, Coleen! What you describe is precisely what the Unicorn is trying to address: the fluidity and how that fluidity reflects on your behaviour. That is the description that you are looking for. Being fluid is also a thing, and it is to many people sometimes the scales finally tip one way or the other (Eddie Izzard, F1nnster -in Twitter), or they remain back and forth (Bowie or Asia Kate Dillon) Embrace the best of you at all times and find peace and love in that place. Love, Maya
I find your post very interesting. I must begin with a disclaimer. I’m not trying to judge but simply point out what I see. It hurt to read about the microagressions you encounter with your female identifying friends. To act surprised or make comments about a transwoman/man/person when they express themselves in a way that “only real women can". I hope you can see that these are not compliments but microagressions and if we don’t call them out on them, they will continue to commit these. I’m only half way through a book that helped me see this (He/She/They by… Read more »
When I finally figured out I was trans, I remember I used to use the term androgenous to describe myself were I was on the gender spectrum. I had longed to be seen and be taken seriously as a woman, but I wasn’t hesitant to declare I was a woman. I mean no one in my life at the time saw it in me. Overtime I came out to more people and slowly transitioned socially. At first I had a lot of imposter syndrome being out in women’s spaces. Always worried I’d be “discovered" and rejected, but I was embraced… Read more »
🦨𝑲𝒂𝒊𝒚𝒂 華伊也 𝑮𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒏𝒂𝒑 Thank you for your response 🙂 This is precisely what the article is about; since this is not a straight journey, we usually try to find our way on this winding road. The fear of discovery is more acute in places where we are more exposed to harassment or physical violence, and it affects the way we behave. I am very grateful for the community and the places where I have been able to express myself. However, I also had to “hide," especially when I started my journey, because I was still living in a very conservative… Read more »
Marianne, I had a bit of a hard time following your most recent article, but I identified with something you said. Background first; I am a bit more than two years on hormonal therapy and had my full-depth vaginoplasty almost one year ago now. Ever since beginning my journey, I’ve wondered if my sexuality would be different than it was as a guy. The fact I had a full-depth vaginoplasty may point that I was drawn to men, but I’m not certain as yet. I’m now sixty-nine(kind of funny in itself)and had it done for two reasons. The first is… Read more »
JAKe Hatmacher Thank you for your words. Yeah, I did this article, not in a classic way where you have a whole structure since it was more like talking to a friend during tea/drinks. The way it came out was how my poor brain tried to process information and find solutions and answers as it kept moving forward (or sideways), and the final product represented the turmoil of the process itself. We, as human beings, are very complex. Some would like to think that men are easy, but they are not, and women are complicated, but we are not more… Read more »
Fascinating insight Marianne. Much thought you have put in…and also I have to say, how balanced and comfortable you seem with your inner self and life. That in itself is a comfort to you I’m sure. It’s also nice to read, like a story that you know will have a happy ending.It is an interesting question though, and where we sit on the scale of M___F is a transitional one. Or is it that it depends where you are looking at it from? Down the rabbit hole with Alice eat me/drink me. Size makes things look closer/further. I might have… Read more »
I love your answer because it fully reflects what is in the article/rant/tea convo. I think that labels were made for people to have a common understanding of “what they are looking at", but if failure of convention means anything, remember that before the explosion of Grunge, all music was labelled Alternative. For us, it doesn’t need to mean anything other than how comfortable you feel at the place where you are. Maybe the balance that I kind of project comes from the years of failure to fit in one place, and I ended up just being “me". The fact… Read more »