What am I?
This is the question I've asked myself many times over the years.
The easy answer is; I am a NOBODY. Let me explain this answer.
I am not a celebrity nor am I an actor, singer, painter, author, or journalist. I am not a social blogger or vlogger; I am not a prominent volunteer or a politician. It's not likely that I'll paint a picture that people line up to see, or write or perform a song that people will rush out to buy. I will never invent an item or discover a cure that will change the world. I am not a parent, nor am I someone that family comes to for support or advice.
I have never done anything those around me will remember after I am deceased. I blend into the shadows and stay out of the public eye; I am the person you walk by without notice in the crowd. Some say that I am a natural leader, but it is never by choice, it is always circumstance that thrusts me into the role. I am more comfortable with my pets then I am with most people, and I am content with that.
Truth be told, I am a liar, deceiver, and most certainly a coward.
I've spent my time telling myself and the world around me that I am something I'm not and never was. I portrayed what those around me, my family, and society expected me to be and not what I felt inside. I knew I was different but never let the truth be known. I never had the courage to let those I care about know the real me. I let the world see the person they perceived acceptable, doing the jobs and playing the societal role expected of my status and gender. I lived a lie for all those years without taking the opportunity to let my true feelings be known or to live the life I felt that I should have. While never initiating it, I was that guy who would join in the joking sessions at others expense, harassing them for their clothing or other personal choices.
I was blessed to find someone who accepted me for who I was and also accepted all my little quirks and odd traits. My current wife was open when I told her of Winter; the other self I'd hidden from the world up to that point. With the help of my one and only love, I slowly came to accept my two selves and become more comfortable with who I truly was inside. With my spouses support, I further explored my desires and needs, and was better able to grow and develop Winter into the person I envisioned her to be.
For many years, despite the love and support I got from my wife, I was still afraid, still a coward who feared developing my femme persona in case it cost me my relationship. Despite the support, despite her willingness to buy me clothing, cosmetics and other feminine trappings, I still held on to a deep fear of rejection and ridicule from the only person I truly cared about and also from others I cared little about.
Due to unfortunate circumstances beyond our control, my wife and I moved back into my parents’ home to help support them as best we could. This living situation curtailed me from being able to embody Winter, and my stress levels climbed. Combined with my employer folding their local office, it increased my personal stress and increased tension within our household. I sought the assistance of a therapist, who helped me to understand that the stress was of my own doing and was greatly increased by my denial of the steps I needed to take to be whole.
My father passed and my wife and I decided to stay with my mother to help her financially and emotionally. I have finally told my mother about my dressing, not going into detail, but letting her know I did “crossdress.”She was surprisingly ok with it as long as I did not “freak her out.” In other words out of sight out of mind. One day, I will develop the courage to tell her the full truth about her son.
Through all this, I've finally begun to accept my alter ego/other persona. I'm still afraid to take the next step required to live the life I would choose for myself. So, I guess for now, I will continue to lie to myself and the world; I will carry on deceiving those around me as to my true self, and I will continue to be the coward who fears the opinions and reactions of others in this life.
I am sure that many, if not all of these comments are familiar to those who take the time to browse this. This struggle with dual identities/personas is common amongst our small, but growing community. Many of us fight this struggle daily. Be strong and seize the opportunities that present themselves to further your goal to be the person you wish to be. If you are lucky like me and find a partner who accepts you for who you are, treasure and love that person and accept their support.
I cannot speak for others, but I can make the following statement with a loud voice, if only to myself right now.
I am and will always be Winter, a woman, and one day before long, I will let the world know just who I truly am.
Where's the rest of the article? 🤨
The piece at the end ends with "The LGBT community of Wyoming th..." Sokay I found the rest of it. Being confused is my normal state of being.
Relatable on a stark and brutal level. I have only entertained this alter ego for about 8 months. I absolutely have no answer to why the Femme Bug bit me especially so late in life at 59. Neither am I able to explain why or how it has escalated so far and so fast. I cannot even explain to myself why I would risk so much to harbor myself as a MTF Crossdressing Closet Girl. Thank You for your Article. It’s good for me to keep the brutal facts that my being outed would hurt so many others. As I reviewed the opening lines of “I’m Not” but on a level “I am” It’s my hope that myself discovery will never hurt another but the unseen reality is the horrible potential is there AND YET I am compelled to develop the feminine traits I so admire. From behind my Closet door I practice and develop the movements and mannerisms I adore. The stark and brutal truth that my present life could be destroyed and many innocent individuals connected to me would be affected by My simple desire to experience the Wild wonderful world of women’s femininity from a personal perspective
Hi Davida
You need to stop worrying about hurting others. If they really truly love and care for you, they will accept you. And those that don't were not true to you in the beginning.
The hurt they feel is their own emotion. They can live feeling hurt or choose to embrace and support you. You are not hurting them, they will hurt themselves if they choose not to accept you for who you are.
Why should you suffer for the rest of your life or hide behind a closed door being scared of yourself?
I hope that you eventually can embrace yourself and be who you always have been inside, because you deserve to be honest to yourself and those around you.
Hugs
Maxine
Thanks Doll 💋 To tell you the truth This is all so new and surprising to me that I’m not sure just how involved I want to be in regards “here I am love me or leave me” I can’t explain how or why I came to trying on that first pair of Stiletto Ankle Boots. I can tell how they felt but I can’t explain why or how I’ve become a Crossdressing Closet Girl to this extreme, to come so far, this fast.... and why not when I was younger why now at 59.... I don’t see me making a stand, while I am fascinated by the intriguing venue of femininity....I really have no idea how come I been bitten by the Femme Bug so late in life
Thank you for your words. Just remember age is just a number and we have limited time on earth so do what you must to enjoy your life. If that means wearing a dress and heels then so be it.
I am learning to accept that my needs have to come before the emotions of others and to prepare to accelerate my transformation into full time Winter. As I leave my male life behind, those friend and family members who cannot accept the new me will have to be left behind with it.
Hugs, Winter
It would be nice to be able to have such chats in person. I adore your “Winter” very intriguing
Davida
I would love the opportunity to meet face to face with you, if you are ever in the great white north, please let me know. I get few opportunities to travel these days but would love to meet you IRL. Hugs
Wow ... I mean WOW .. Are you sure your you and not me. The person you described with the exception of your wife and family is something I jotted down 2 years ago and gave it to one of my closest C.I.S. girlfriends. She cried and told me she now had a true definition of friend. I mean it is almost word for word and how I lived my life before I came out of my shell, raising hell. which leads me to my next confession. She is the one who taught me moxy as well as the whens and where's to use it
The strong girl you all read about in my article is my shield. It is not an alter ego nor another personality. I am an extremely benign and giving person who loves puppy licks and puppy breath. Flower pedals in my warm bath and a very giving and helpful person to a fault. So I use it to prevent people from using me as a doormat.
I assure you she is in here and wants direly to meet a worthy Alpha. But in the meantime I have made my decision to be me, and back it up with Moxy. I hope all of you find Moxy. 😎 Good luck girl and we all have your back no matter your past. none of us live in glass houses. 😎 Thankx 4 sharing... Huggz Tracee
Tia
I felt as I wrote this article, that there are many in our community to which this article will ring true at some point or another. Never feel you are a "doormat", this is our time to shine and take the steps to tell the world who you are and either like it or lump it.
Glad you enjoyed.
Hugs. Winter
Very powerful story. I hope you find the courage to be true to yourself one day and embrace who you are. You are certainly not a nobody, you are a somebody. You are a somebody to those who love you. Never call yourself a nobody!
My partner is transgender and I love him dearly. I have hopefully helped him along the way to the point now where he is accepting himself and doesn't hate himself quite so much as he did when I first met him almost 4 years ago. We are getting there!
Find it in you to say 'stuff everybody else and their opinions'. Walk tall and proud and be you....a real somebody!
Hiya Winter,
Fantastic article and really touched my heart.
I can understand many of the things you wrote about, and hope that one day ( sooner rather than later ) you can truly be yourself.
Best Wishes,
Gerri, xxx
Well said Winter! I too moved back to Mom's house after a divorce (for financial reasons and because she was older and living alone). When I told her about Cyn, she was the same as your mom-fine with me doing what made me happy but didn't want to SEE it at all. Years later(after she passed) I began exploring more of who I am and where my path will lead. Still on that journey of discovery but wherever it leads Cyn will be a part of it. I've told my sister about me-and she borrows my clothes. I've told a half dozen friends who have been supportive as well. I think the most heartwarming response to it was my friend who said he didn't care -whatever I looked like, I was still the person who would give you the shirt off my back, and he would support me no matter where life leads. (You can read a lot about my story on the sister site Crossdresserheaven.com. Thanks for sharing your story!
Cyn
Lying to yourself... a common practice, especially for the transgendered. I think our problem lies in the social construct we were raised in. As I grew up, it was a man's world and while women were respected, if you had male privilege you were on the top of the heap. There was much talk of real men. Anything less than what was to become termed "macho" just wasn't acceptable and opened you to ridicule, even from your family members.
I was and am a sensitive person. My feelings were hurt easily as a child and tears came readily to my eyes. By force of will, I learned to bury that trait, as it never got me anything but grief.
I wrote an article entitled, "Silence is Golden" for Crossdressers Haven all about this very topic.
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/silence-is-golden/
One of my favorite axioms on the subject is "Denial isn't a river in Egypt." For decade upon decade I denied, lied, to myself about the true nature of my core being. Actually, I simply refused to deal with it. When I was finally forced to deal with it, I determined the obvious conclusion was unacceptable. After all, everyone knew that men were men and that was it. Anything less was despicable. So, without considering any other options, I deemed myself, "Just a cross-dresser." Plain and simple. I was a man, all man, who happened to appreciate feminine fashion... appreciated it to the point of liking to wear it.
All was fine and good, but that left the unasked question unanswered. If I just liked to wear it, where did the urge to leave the confines of my home come from? Why did I need to go and do and be seen?
I stuffed all those questions; I was just a cross-dresser plain and simple. I wasn't gay, I was a man, all man. A woodsman's woodsman. A hunter, a fisherman, a high country backpacker. I worked physically demanding job and did it well.
All well and good, until I went to bed and had to, just had to, don the silky, nylon night gown; until the call of the world outside my house demanded I experience it. Until part time wasn't enough. I had to carry that feminine expression with me 24/7. Out went my men's underwear and a collection of panties replaced them for daily wear. But you know, I was a man, all man.
And so it progressed decade after decade. The need becoming greater and greater year after year. It was a torturous journey that I couldn't see the end of, or even the real direction it was going. At one point, I finally became dissatisfied with my flat chest. I wanted breasts. Totally frustrating. Where, in the early 70s, was a man going to find access to a doctor who would help him achieve such a goal? And at what cost?
It was time to begin stuffing again. I stuffed that desire along with the questions. It was getting a bit crowded in there. It would be decades later still when I finally worked up the courage to ask my doctor if she would prescribe estrogen for me. The first doctor I asked conferred with the endocrinologist I was seeing about my enlarged thyroid and then told me that the risk of breast cancer was too great, considering my sister had had a double mastectomy.
After that doctor retired and I got a new, younger doctor, I asked again. This time, I was referred to the Gender Pathways Clinic and another doctor there, after a physical, and questions as to my motivations and how long I'd felt the need. With all things satisfied, I signed an informed consent release and she prescribed androgen blockers and an estradiol patch.
Two years later, I'm in transition. I'll never have bottom surgery. I'm 74, I'd never put it to use. As Lacey Leigh once put it, "If you're never going to own a car, why build a garage?" However, bust development is another question all together. It's painfully slow and uneven. I'm beginning to think in terms of seeking augmentation outside of my insurance. Medicare will pay the major portion, so maybe it's in my future. Sill mulling the whole idea over.
