Apologies for the clickbait title, but let’s be real: this topic remains a preoccupation for most non-cis-gendered folk whenever leaving the house is a consideration. The prevailing wisdom these days generally stresses the importance of “you doing you” and not giving a rat’s ass what the rest of the world thinks…easier said than done, I say.
I hear and understand all the arguments for just getting your girl on and getting out of the house, as I’m sure many of us do, and I’ve tried valiantly to steel myself for anything. But the fact remains that when I walk out that door, I want the world to see me as female. Indulge me here for a moment while my inner psyche spills her thoughts out onto the page to explore this phenomenon with a tad more depth.
First and foremost, my perspective is based on the fact that I’ve only recently started going out as Lexi in broad daylight – shopping, to the library, whatever. Largely, I found the courage to attempt this because local indoor mask mandates give me an extra layer of “protection” from suspicion. Of course, this feeds directly into my need to pass as female. So the question remains – why does it matter? For some, it’s fear of physical harm – that being recognized as a genetic male in female attire will lead to violence. And though this is absolutely a concern, my sense is that the risk of coming to physical harm, if one is careful, is perhaps not as great as one might fear.
A very common fear is just a general embarrassment. Typically, this is where the advice to just not worry about what people think comes into play. People may recognize you, most likely won’t say anything though, and as long as you’re feeling confident, who cares what other people think? Let them think whatever they want, you’re fabulous!
And yet…and yet…I still care if I pass as female. In the handful of times I’ve been out, I’ve been misgendered (based on how I felt I was presenting) twice. I’m not going to lie, it stung. Not because I was embarrassed (I wasn’t, really), and not because I was scared (just a store clerk, both times, who were probably more confused than anything). It stung because I put a lot of time and effort into trying to put forth the most convincing female image possible.
If I didn’t care what the world thought, I would just stay indoors, where I can take pictures and pose in front of the mirror, content in my own little fantasy world. Why take the risk otherwise? But inevitably, the better and more confident I feel in my look, the more overwhelming the urge to get out and be seen. At a certain point, if it’s practical, leaving the house is almost a foregone conclusion. So after all this effort and build-up, you’re out there in the real world, being the woman you want to be, and some idiot calls you “sir.” How can that not be a buzzkill?
In the grand scheme of things, if the worst thing that happens is someone slips up because your gender presentation confuses them, we should be grateful. Many have had to deal with far worse consequences. But there’s no substitute for the validating euphoria of being acknowledged as female. On my most recent outing, I crossed the parking lot of the local strip mall and was addressed as “ma’am” by the solicitor trying to sell candy bars outside the Gap Outlet – something that under normal circumstances would irritate me instead became a wonderful, affirming experience. One simple word was all it took.
Does passing as a female in public matter? When all is said and done, I submit that it’s up to the individual. In reality, for many non-gender-conforming individuals, it may not matter at all. But it does to me because this is how I want the world to see me. However, I am a realist and acknowledging the likelihood that I may be read as a genetic male will always be there. For me, that simply means that even though I may not always “pass”, I won’t let that be a deterrent from exploring the world in my chosen gender.
Ultimately, when I’m out in public, and I catch a glimpse in a mirror, if I see the woman I know I am reflected there, then that will have to be enough. I know that I can’t control how the world sees me, but that doesn’t change how I want to be seen.
How you want to be seen does matter. Just don’t let the fact that others may not see you that way deter you either. You are beautiful.
More Articles by Alexis Moon
View all articles by Alexis Moon
Latest posts by Alexis Moon (see all)
- Why Passing Matters - January 4, 2022
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- Are We Born, or Made? A Coming of Gender Story - February 20, 2021
Hi Alexis (and all)! I have been transitioning for all of three months now. Living 24/7 as Dana. On blockers presently, have dropped 20 pounds, orchi tentatively in the works for early next year, name/gender change petition filed in court and effective (barring catastrophe) on Oct. 7. Safe to say that I am in this thing for the long haul, and NOT simply as a crossdresser or some other “feminine male" type. “Passing"? Yeah, it’s important, if one assumes that “not passing" means all sorts of unpleasant things coming your way. That likelihood probably varies from place to place.The gold… Read more »
hi bb
Hey I read your article with great interest. I am 8 months into my transitioning and really struggling with the whole ‘passing’ issue. In turn its made my anxiety really bad, to the stage I have an eating disorder and hardly leave the house. I KNOW I am female but all I see is a male face in the mirror. I literally live behind my covid mask. Even if someone comes to my house I won’t open the door without putting my mask on. Here in the UK you still have to wear masks in public but that’s soon going… Read more »
Passing is a losing game. However, a big part of passing is inside you. Not in the outfit your wearing, not in the hairstyle you’re sporting nor in the immaculate make up you have applied. It’s in the ability to look and feel like you belong where ever you are. In the last house I rented before I bought the one I’m in now, I used to go to the same grocery store in drab and en femme. I never gave it any thought as to whether any of the checkers realized the my drab presentation and my en femme… Read more »
Yes it does Alexis. Partly because a persons perception of reality is dependent on the interaction between the viewer and the viewed. You are as you are perceived to be by others. Won’t go into the psychology of the ‘self’ and reality but it’s in there. The notion of being yourself whatever others think isn’t possible. Human beings don’t function that way. The balance lies between how many see you as how you see yourself and those who don’t is the point. I’m always Alex, out and about or in any situation…I don’t think about it anymore. I ignore misgenders…even… Read more »
Beautifully said Alexis.
Lexi, You don’t know how much I agree with you! I remember the first time I basically said, “the hell with this, this is stupid." No, I wasn’t referring to my attempting to be a girl. I said this to myself as I was holed up in my hotel room trying on my women’s clothing, putting on my makeup, and trying to attempt feminine vocalization by listening and singing with female recording artists. My meaning in what I said to myself expressed my desire to get real with my desire to be myself. Just minutes after I said those words… Read more »
The hotel room? Been there, done that! That urge to get out in the world and just be who you are is something that is impossible for cis folks to understand. If it was just a fetish, then yeah – stay behind the locked doors and do your thing…but when you are going through all this effort so that you can be you, you want the world to know. But 100% agree that people should be able to dress how they want. I’m so exhausted with the fact that a men wearing something feminine is cause for scorn or ridicule.… Read more »
Alexis, Thanks for commenting. As you have experienced, that urge to let go was overwhelming. I’m at times so close to the overwhelming phase on announcing who I really am to all my wife’s and my own mutual friends. I know it needs to be done, but my wife’s insistence I not do it mitigates the overwhelming urge. Oh, one day! Oh, and in regard to dressing as one wishes, male female, or other – as I said earlier, we are still kowtowing to societal norms. Would it be better we were born in a more accepting age, or are… Read more »
Hi Crowd,
I am new here and get every word written. One of my shields when I go out is to have my cis girlfriend go with. That does take a lot of pressure off. But I still feel at risk and vulnerable when I go out alone. Of course feeling vulnerable out alone is not a new experience for a girl.
One of the beautiful things about being trans or gender fluid is the ability to experience the perspective of the opposite sex. I believe it really does make us much more empathetic.
Yes, always alert when out. The same mind set for the person who will wish a cis girl harm or a trans girl harm is present.
Hi Lexi. I must have been doing something wrong but I couldn’t reply to why passing matters so… That article was amazing. You said exactly what I feel. You have a gorgeous figure btw…lol, masked up, I couldn’t see your face but I would feel confident and exhilarated going out looking like you.
That’s so sweet…thanks!
Lexi, you are so spot on. Passing does matter! I want to be seen as female, because I am. I want to be properly addressed and not misgendered. I want to look my best when going out. I, too, am thrilled and affirmed when accept me for who I am. And I acknowledge that genetics simply didn’t cooperate! I know that I will never look 100 percent female. I accept that there are goons out there who will go out of their way to be insulting. Not everyone will see me as I really am. But that is their loss,… Read more »
You are welcome, Carly! I’m so glad you liked it – and I admire your conviction.
Thank you Alexis. I relate so much to your article. I’m nine months into my HRT regimen and I still have issues with passing. When you talk about the amount of time spent to present as female, and then someone calls you “sir,” nothing hurts like that. It’s getting better for me and today I spend 100% of my life living as a female, outside of work, which at the moment doesn’t feel like a safe space. Because it feels like I’ve made this shift in my life with regard to living as a female, the misgendering doesn’t hurt as… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Alicia. I think you handled the waitress situation perfectly, and I totally agree that the continued apologies weren’t necessary, but at least she acknowledged her mistake…could be worse. I’m sorry your job doesn’t feel like a safe space. My company is launching a huge D&I initiative, and though I’m not out there, it’s good to know that should that day come, I would be supported. I hope things change for you in that regard…
Hi Lexi, the friggin clerk needs glasses as you’re beautiful. This article needed to be written as the newbies are always asking for advis, thank you and I will direct them to it as it tells a very candid story for their own doctrine.. I for one am one of those who goes about my life as I did as a male. I do not look around for approval nor do I appologise for anything. If I am mis-gendered it goes in one ear and out the other as I flip my hair back to allow the person to see… Read more »
Aww….that’s so sweet! Thanks, dear! Mask and cheap sunglasses…I guess ZZ Top had it right all along. But yeah, I’ve definitely used the sunglasses to hide that I’m wearing eye makeup if the neighbors might be around during that day…
It’s true that it’s really not as big of a deal as we make it out to be, but everyone has to get out there in their own time.
Cheers!
I assure you of one thing Lexi. Once you slam the closet door behind you, you’ll realize that the time you spent in ther closet was a waste of time. And then you’ll be like me whipping on some sweats, lip stain and tank to go anywhere and everywhere BORED. Take your time.! Your journey, your future. Huggz n much love Tia
Great read to kick off the New Year. I feel everything you said here, I’ve sat in my car for 30 minutes at a convenience store parking lot, just getting the courage to go inside. Thanks for being an excellent writer, I’ll be looking forward to your next article!
Aww – thanks Rachel! I’m so glad you like the article…and I’m right there with you. Have you ever finally gotten up the courage to step out of the car, walk halfway across the parking lot, and them scamper back to your car? Done that more than once! 😛
Alexis, Thank you so much for writing such an important and thought-provoking article. This resonated with me significantly. I spent many years — decades at this point — worrying about passing. Stopping myself from exiting the home because I couldn’t. Very late at night wee hours walks were my limit when the call to be out was present, and it was always just outside the home so I could rapidly escape back to ‘safety.’ The irony of course for me has been the idea of outrunning anything this inevitable to ‘safety.’ My gender identity is female and it no longer… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Andrea! I think our struggles with this are fairly universal, and I think therein lies the obsession with passing: if you knew you could just go out and there’s 100% chance you’d pass, you wouldn’t even hesitate. Unfortunately, this is the real world, and it’s just something we have to deal with. Like you said, we grow in our own confidence – get more comfortable in our own skin – the words and opinions of others will matter less and less…
Amen Lexi💕