Afterwards and Afterthoughts

After things get back to normal I’ll…

It might surprise some of you but my normal is pretty much the way things currently are. Most introverts like me are used to being stuck at home (by choice) and avoiding large gatherings (by choice) as well as doing our shopping online. When you talk about being a crossdresser who is more (me) or transgendered the word normal and afterwards takes on added meaning. We’re declared to be far removed from anything consisting of being normal. There never has been an afterwards for us. Is it about to change? For those who live in the US being transgendered is a hot topic on both sides. I think the war is going to escalate. I also believe that it may be necessary to do so.

I could spend hours discussing the political, religious, and cultural landscape surrounding us. Instead, I’d like to talk about this little world that we call Transgender Heaven. I’ve often wondered if I belong here; I’m also a member on Crossdresser Heaven, serving both sites as the Managing Editor. I used to pen articles but mostly gave that up when I took on the role. I believe it’s better to help others express themselves now. It’s that sitting in the back of the classroom mentality and collecting information that now has me wanting to share again. There are many topics that I hope to cover, and in a hopeful way I wish them to be inspiring enough that others will feel excited to share their own stories.

En Femme Style

When the world resets and we start to venture out again I will still be in my closet. I have never been one to feel the need to be accepted by anyone other than myself, but I’m still deathly afraid of hurting those close to me. My daughters know that part of the reason my marriage failed was because of my crossdressing. Fifteen years ago, that’s what I still was. Throughout my life, I bought nylons and heels to satisfy my cravings and threw them away in shame and guilt. It took failing another 6 year relationship (not because of dressing because I didn’t the whole time) to realize there was something more to me. I’ve been single going on eight years, and though I miss the intimacy of a close relationship, I’m still not actively searching for one. The biggest reason is that I don’t know myself yet. Even at 60 I’m still in the process of figuring out who I am. I didn’t say what I am. I’m not a what.

I’ve sometimes been accused of talking about myself as separate personas. I do that because I must portray the pure male side of myself that others know rather than the blended person I know me to be. I’m not either and I’m uncertain of where I would find the most comfort. I wish that I knew. I don’t, and that’s why I’m here. To learn from the others that have felt the same. Did they find THEIR happiness at whatever point they navigated to? I’m not happy where I’m at, but I also feel the responsibility to continue on with my hidden life and visible life for now. I take care of my parents, one who is at stage 3 with lung cancer and going through dementia to boot. My father is 93. My world is bigger than just me. That hasn’t curtailed me from doing the little things to help me cope until I no longer can and have to become more direct. Will I ever consider transitioning—maybe. That’s the best I can say for now. When my parents have both left this world it will be my focus for living the rest of my life. I’m confident in my relationship with my children. They will accept me however I traverse the rest of my life.

I’ll end my thoughts today with you dear readers in mind. No matter how you see yourself there is always someone who will hold your hand and lend support. And I believe there are many more than we imagine there to be. I know that it takes a dozen to surround and hold us up to compensate for the one bad individual who tears us down. If you want to find those positive people search out the members on this site, read their stories, write your own and share it, or chat with like-minded friends. This site and CDH has made me more comfortable with who I am and where I might be headed. For now, that’s all that I can ask for. Someday, I may need that physical hand to hold on to, but I’ll never stop needing the virtual ones either.

Be well, be safe, and be hopeful!



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I've been on this path for nearly 50 years, beginning at age 7 when I wore my grandma's old dresses with my cousins. It felt natural. Later, I went through the fetish stage and fought with my insides. After my divorce 20 years ago, I let Brina out only to bury her away during another relationship. Now I accept that she is more who I really am and live my life in the hopes that my path will one of future happiness. Over the last 6 years, I've found out more about who I am, the path that I'm on, and what it means to be transgendered. I've also been much happier since I acknowledged and accepted myself for who I am. I'm still much in the closet as responsibilities take precedence. It doesn't help being an introvert by nature, but I will gracefully walk (mostly, ok, not so gracefully) this path as I become a better me.

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Charlene V
1 year ago

Sabrina, you wrote, “I’m not happy where I’m at, but I also feel the responsibility to continue on with my hidden life and visible life for now.” This vibrated a chord in my heart. Tuned perfectly. Thank you. Too many reasons and time is too short at this moment to detail them. Suffice it to say that you encouraged me in this way; even after all your many years of dressing, searching, and questioning you are not yet sure which path is right for you to pursue. Furthermore, if I understand your plight properly it is because your sense of… Read more »

Marianne Tornander
Marianne Tornander(@marianne65)
1 year ago

Dear Brina,
This life we try to navigate is so easy and so hard, so simple yet utterly complex, so lovely and so awfully frustrating. We met on CDH some years ago and got a bit of connection but then it faded away as it so often does for me.

I know you are not much for chit chat but if you some time feel need to talk heart to heart with someone, you know where to find me.


Cindy Reborne
Cindy Reborne(@hosecat7)
1 year ago

I was my mother’s caretaker for 8 yrs. She was my only concern. I did cross dressing around the house when she would go to sleep.Before she went in a nursing home.I suppressed everything completely, guess was living a lie. When she died I went totally into transition. I got a therapist ,to straighten out my feelings.Weighing was I a CD or Trans ?After months of talks it was determined that I was trans. I’m 65,late bloomer.I dress for the most part at home.Come home from work and actually do slip into something comfortable. At night I’m totally Cindy. I… Read more »

Ivan Richards
Ivan Richards
1 year ago

I think you look gorgeous,. Be proud. Would like to meet you to chat

JaiymeLynne Rogers
JaiymeLynne Rogers(@jaiymelynne)
1 year ago

Sabrina, Thank you for sharing. Your story is my story. Well partly anyway. The purging. the dichotomy of identity, male and female. Taking care of an elderly parent, now bed bound, who I could not bare, at least now, to open up to about JaiymeLynne. I care for him and cherish the time I still have. But my truth won’t go away. It will be out someday. I am so grateful for you and everyone here on TGH and CDH. This is a difficult journey, full of ups and downs, grief and joy. Live we must. Thrive; I will endeavor… Read more »

Bobbi Waitt
Bobbi Waitt(@rosi)
1 year ago

Sabrina thank you again . I also belong to crossdresser heaven and I just joined transgender heaven .I was not sure if I belonged here but I am sure I do . I am also sixty and parents are still alive and I have been coming out slowly to safe friends and family . My parents knew when I was young I wanted to be a girl but they kept at me like a bad habit . My father called me names like little queer man and a few other good ones. Any ways I figured at there age now… Read more »

Sarah Pal
Sarah Pal(@sarahxxsis)
1 year ago

Sabrina, Thank you for sharing about your life, which sounds exactly like mine, the only difference is I knew at age 3, been married 3 times, first ended because of this and alcohol, 2nd because of my transgenderism. My present wife of 20 years knows about me, knew when we married but dosen’t really like it, but deals and I dress unisex and i am really not into being flashy, so I’m very conservative. I also through the years purchased alot female clothing, and when I thought what I was doing was wrong and shameful I would take all the… Read more »

Active Member
1 year ago

My Dear Sabrina, I too roll the big 60 this year, hard to believe because I feel sooo much younger in this body. I too have the experience of Dementia n Cancer, Mom, Altimeters, Da; both parents gone now. I told my folks about Char before they passed, Mom was not so pleased, Dad, the Military guy, was tickled. If you’re wearing jeans we’ll go fishin’ he said, and if you’re wearin a dress, we’ll go shoppin hahaha What a guy! I found out from a family member after both parents had passed, that Dad and at least one of… Read more »

Active Member
1 year ago

No kidding hey? The computer era has opened doors for so much expansion of the human mind and potential…I’m grateful it’s happening now though. I wish I had had more time to help Mom expand and more time to share with my dad; he truly was an amazing guy so all in all, I am grateful that I got to spend the time I did with both 😉 and yeah, Blessy is pretty amazing really; I am inspired and grateful daily being in her presence. She is the closest thing to God I know in this life; forgiving, compassionate, accepting… Read more »

Joann Smith
Joann Smith(@joannlynnsmith)
1 year ago

Sabrina friend me please.

Mark Lennon
Mark Lennon(@mrkc)
1 year ago

Stunning words, stunning girl😘

Lucinda Hawkins
Active Member
Lucinda Hawkins(@lucinda)
1 year ago

what a lovely post, thanks for sharing it. you look so pretty and happy. when I dress up I feel happy and relaxed. just wish I could dress up and come out of the closet so to speak. wife knows I dress up but will not let me sit in same room as her and watch T.V. talk like 2 woman. she seen me dressed up and even getting dressed up. but no help with make up. I had to learn how to apply eye shadow on my self and getting better each time. thanks for the post and hope… Read more »

Kayla Olson
1 year ago

Life can be extremely difficult and and mercilessly cruel especially to CD/TG community. This is all the more reason to value the relationships that support and guide our steps on our journey wherever that journey leads us. A great support structure here at TGH is available to all who need a caring hand to hold onto. Hold onto your faith and keep reaching for a brighter tomorrow.

Sebrina, thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story. You are an inspiration to us all. I hope you will find a sincere, sharing and caring hand to hold on tight to.

Alexis Moon
Alexis Moon(@alexismoongirl)
1 year ago

Thanks for the lovely post, Brina. I truly believe we are all there with you, to one degree or another. I often think about how many things will never be the same as we come out of this bizarre year…the workplace, social gatherings, the many who lost a loved one, and…our individual selves. That’s one of the reasons I’m here now, on the TGH side. For most of my life I told myself I was “just” at crossdresser. But for various reasons, due to things that happened during the pandemic that may not have happened otherwise, I’ve accepted that I’m… Read more »

Timmie Sawyer
Timmie Sawyer(@sawman56)
1 year ago

That was beautiful the words you expressed, I do hope one day you will be able to free all of yourself, you are so beautiful it would be a shame not let her free.
with all my love and huggs
thank you

1 year ago

Very well stated Sabrina! I too think being transgendered right now may not be as good a thing as it was a year or two ago. Thank you for your expressions! Here is to moving forward together as the women we were meant to be!

Jan Johns
Jan Johns(@jjohns)
1 year ago

Thanks for the article Brina, you look wonderful by the way!

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