After things get back to normal I’ll…
It might surprise some of you but my normal is pretty much the way things currently are. Most introverts like me are used to being stuck at home (by choice) and avoiding large gatherings (by choice) as well as doing our shopping online. When you talk about being a crossdresser who is more (me) or transgendered the word normal and afterwards takes on added meaning. We’re declared to be far removed from anything consisting of being normal. There never has been an afterwards for us. Is it about to change? For those who live in the US being transgendered is a hot topic on both sides. I think the war is going to escalate. I also believe that it may be necessary to do so.
I could spend hours discussing the political, religious, and cultural landscape surrounding us. Instead, I’d like to talk about this little world that we call Transgender Heaven. I’ve often wondered if I belong here; I’m also a member on Crossdresser Heaven, serving both sites as the Managing Editor. I used to pen articles but mostly gave that up when I took on the role. I believe it’s better to help others express themselves now. It’s that sitting in the back of the classroom mentality and collecting information that now has me wanting to share again. There are many topics that I hope to cover, and in a hopeful way I wish them to be inspiring enough that others will feel excited to share their own stories.
When the world resets and we start to venture out again I will still be in my closet. I have never been one to feel the need to be accepted by anyone other than myself, but I’m still deathly afraid of hurting those close to me. My daughters know that part of the reason my marriage failed was because of my crossdressing. Fifteen years ago, that’s what I still was. Throughout my life, I bought nylons and heels to satisfy my cravings and threw them away in shame and guilt. It took failing another 6 year relationship (not because of dressing because I didn’t the whole time) to realize there was something more to me. I’ve been single going on eight years, and though I miss the intimacy of a close relationship, I’m still not actively searching for one. The biggest reason is that I don’t know myself yet. Even at 60 I’m still in the process of figuring out who I am. I didn’t say what I am. I’m not a what.
I’ve sometimes been accused of talking about myself as separate personas. I do that because I must portray the pure male side of myself that others know rather than the blended person I know me to be. I’m not either and I’m uncertain of where I would find the most comfort. I wish that I knew. I don’t, and that’s why I’m here. To learn from the others that have felt the same. Did they find THEIR happiness at whatever point they navigated to? I’m not happy where I’m at, but I also feel the responsibility to continue on with my hidden life and visible life for now. I take care of my parents, one who is at stage 3 with lung cancer and going through dementia to boot. My father is 93. My world is bigger than just me. That hasn’t curtailed me from doing the little things to help me cope until I no longer can and have to become more direct. Will I ever consider transitioning—maybe. That’s the best I can say for now. When my parents have both left this world it will be my focus for living the rest of my life. I’m confident in my relationship with my children. They will accept me however I traverse the rest of my life.
I’ll end my thoughts today with you dear readers in mind. No matter how you see yourself there is always someone who will hold your hand and lend support. And I believe there are many more than we imagine there to be. I know that it takes a dozen to surround and hold us up to compensate for the one bad individual who tears us down. If you want to find those positive people search out the members on this site, read their stories, write your own and share it, or chat with like-minded friends. This site and CDH has made me more comfortable with who I am and where I might be headed. For now, that’s all that I can ask for. Someday, I may need that physical hand to hold on to, but I’ll never stop needing the virtual ones either.
Be well, be safe, and be hopeful!
Brina
More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish
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Sabrina, you wrote, “I’m not happy where I’m at, but I also feel the responsibility to continue on with my hidden life and visible life for now." This vibrated a chord in my heart. Tuned perfectly. Thank you. Too many reasons and time is too short at this moment to detail them. Suffice it to say that you encouraged me in this way; even after all your many years of dressing, searching, and questioning you are not yet sure which path is right for you to pursue. Furthermore, if I understand your plight properly it is because your sense of… Read more »
Charlene, Thank you for responding. I understand how for some it’s transition or possibly fall into an abyss they will never climb out of. I can also relate to those who believe they are of 2 souls. I don’t hate my male parts, wish I had full breasts and no facial hair, and could walk about how I felt at the moment. Instead, I tolerate certain things, try to adapt with others, and temper what I can do over what I can’t. In many cases, it’s not much different than having to make other life altering situations. Do I move… Read more »
Dear Brina,
This life we try to navigate is so easy and so hard, so simple yet utterly complex, so lovely and so awfully frustrating. We met on CDH some years ago and got a bit of connection but then it faded away as it so often does for me.
I know you are not much for chit chat but if you some time feel need to talk heart to heart with someone, you know where to find me.
MarianneTornander
Thanks Marianne!
I’m not sure if there is anything else in life that renders itself into polar opposites of feelings such as you described in living our lives. It is as simple as “living your truth" to borrow the phrase and as complex as “Yeah, right…ain’t going to happen." Somewhere there is a resting place with peace.
Not much of chit chatter, nope. I’m a hermit in a cave that dangles an occasional toe out into the sunshine…lol. I will most definitely keep your offer in mind 🙂
I was my mother’s caretaker for 8 yrs. She was my only concern. I did cross dressing around the house when she would go to sleep.Before she went in a nursing home.I suppressed everything completely, guess was living a lie. When she died I went totally into transition. I got a therapist ,to straighten out my feelings.Weighing was I a CD or Trans ?After months of talks it was determined that I was trans. I’m 65,late bloomer.I dress for the most part at home.Come home from work and actually do slip into something comfortable. At night I’m totally Cindy. I… Read more »
Thanks for sharing, Cindy 😀 I can totally relate to what you described. I sometimes wish that I had that intense need to move forward, but I don’t mind living in both worlds, and that may be my ultimate path. I’ve always said that if I could move to where they don’t know me, I would live as twins…have a two cardboard cutouts handy to put in the window for nosy neighbors…lol. I see myself moving further along the path of transition once my parents are both gone. I just don’t know how far I’ll end up walking… Read more »
I think you look gorgeous,. Be proud. Would like to meet you to chat
Ivan
Sabrina, Thank you for sharing. Your story is my story. Well partly anyway. The purging. the dichotomy of identity, male and female. Taking care of an elderly parent, now bed bound, who I could not bare, at least now, to open up to about JaiymeLynne. I care for him and cherish the time I still have. But my truth won’t go away. It will be out someday. I am so grateful for you and everyone here on TGH and CDH. This is a difficult journey, full of ups and downs, grief and joy. Live we must. Thrive; I will endeavor… Read more »
JaiymeLynee,
Wonderful comments. “My Truth Won’t Go Away" could easily be a mantra for so many of us to follow. It is versatile as it fits in not only our realm but others, too. It says it all; how we run from it, try to hide it, destroy it and ourselves in the process, and come to accept it as an integral part of us, to maybe one day living in wholly.
Thanks again 🙂
Sabrina thank you again . I also belong to crossdresser heaven and I just joined transgender heaven .I was not sure if I belonged here but I am sure I do . I am also sixty and parents are still alive and I have been coming out slowly to safe friends and family . My parents knew when I was young I wanted to be a girl but they kept at me like a bad habit . My father called me names like little queer man and a few other good ones. Any ways I figured at there age now… Read more »
All so very true! I’m excited for you. I think you said it very well. We all have to find our own way to live OUR lives. There isn’t a playbook to follow and there isn’t a trophy at the end, only inner peace and hopefully many others around us who support and love us. Thanks for the insightful response. You should consider sharing your story in an article 🙂
Sabrina, Thank you for sharing about your life, which sounds exactly like mine, the only difference is I knew at age 3, been married 3 times, first ended because of this and alcohol, 2nd because of my transgenderism. My present wife of 20 years knows about me, knew when we married but dosen’t really like it, but deals and I dress unisex and i am really not into being flashy, so I’m very conservative. I also through the years purchased alot female clothing, and when I thought what I was doing was wrong and shameful I would take all the… Read more »
Sarah, Thank you for sharing 😅 There seems to be a movement these days on writing a letter to your older self and what you would have wanted to tell your younger self, either way. I’ve come across a few and most of the older to younger tell themselves to not sweat the little things and to be happy being yourself. The amount of support and information available today compared to the 70’s when I was in high school is amazing. Back then, we were freaks that needed fixing… I would tell my younger self to be less… Read more »
My Dear Sabrina, I too roll the big 60 this year, hard to believe because I feel sooo much younger in this body. I too have the experience of Dementia n Cancer, Mom, Altimeters, Da; both parents gone now. I told my folks about Char before they passed, Mom was not so pleased, Dad, the Military guy, was tickled. If you’re wearing jeans we’ll go fishin’ he said, and if you’re wearin a dress, we’ll go shoppin hahaha What a guy! I found out from a family member after both parents had passed, that Dad and at least one of… Read more »
Sorry about your parents. Thank you for all you do on this site and CDH as well. I’m happy for you and your wife being able to find that common ground. I’m still hopeful that I may find mine someday, but the next couple of years won’t be putting me at the forefront, and that’s ok. I’ve never shared with my parents and don’t see that happening unless it happens by accident. If only there were the technology of today back in the 70’s for us, what a difference it would have made in my life…
Thanks for sharing!
No kidding hey? The computer era has opened doors for so much expansion of the human mind and potential…I’m grateful it’s happening now though. I wish I had had more time to help Mom expand and more time to share with my dad; he truly was an amazing guy so all in all, I am grateful that I got to spend the time I did with both 😉 and yeah, Blessy is pretty amazing really; I am inspired and grateful daily being in her presence. She is the closest thing to God I know in this life; forgiving, compassionate, accepting… Read more »
Sabrina friend me please.
We already are:)
Stunning words, stunning girl😘
what a lovely post, thanks for sharing it. you look so pretty and happy. when I dress up I feel happy and relaxed. just wish I could dress up and come out of the closet so to speak. wife knows I dress up but will not let me sit in same room as her and watch T.V. talk like 2 woman. she seen me dressed up and even getting dressed up. but no help with make up. I had to learn how to apply eye shadow on my self and getting better each time. thanks for the post and hope… Read more »
Thank you for the kind words. I get it, at least I think I do. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to start sharing more. Many of the personality traits that we have (being funny, compassionate, even nurturing as a parent) come from our feminine side, not that males aren’t also so. Our spouses tend to like this and hate this about us. Mine did. What I think they don’t understand is the depression and anxiety that being “different" and not accepting ourselves is what makes us someone they don’t like. If we share this part with them, it’s… Read more »
Life can be extremely difficult and and mercilessly cruel especially to CD/TG community. This is all the more reason to value the relationships that support and guide our steps on our journey wherever that journey leads us. A great support structure here at TGH is available to all who need a caring hand to hold onto. Hold onto your faith and keep reaching for a brighter tomorrow.
Sebrina, thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story. You are an inspiration to us all. I hope you will find a sincere, sharing and caring hand to hold on tight to.
Kayla,
I agree that there is a wonderful support structure here, and we most assuredly should hold on to our faith and hope for better things down the road. I haven’t given up on finding that special hand to hold. It will most likely be there when I least expect it.
Thanks for the comments!
Thanks for the lovely post, Brina. I truly believe we are all there with you, to one degree or another. I often think about how many things will never be the same as we come out of this bizarre year…the workplace, social gatherings, the many who lost a loved one, and…our individual selves. That’s one of the reasons I’m here now, on the TGH side. For most of my life I told myself I was “just" at crossdresser. But for various reasons, due to things that happened during the pandemic that may not have happened otherwise, I’ve accepted that I’m… Read more »
Lexi, I couldn’t agree more, and thanks for commenting. For me, accepting that I’m transgender helped some anxieties and created a whole new bunch. Like you said, where that ultimately leads is TBD. It’s also the biggest reason I don’t seek out a new relationship…that and the fact I can golf or go bowling anytime I want, take a vacation from my living room to the back porch, now that the weather is better…lol. I wish you all the best as you work through your relationship. I hope to find that special person before I get too old to remember… Read more »
Brina,
That was beautiful the words you expressed, I do hope one day you will be able to free all of yourself, you are so beautiful it would be a shame not let her free.
with all my love and huggs
thank you
timmie
Thank you for the kind compliment. Yes, someday 🙂
Very well stated Sabrina! I too think being transgendered right now may not be as good a thing as it was a year or two ago. Thank you for your expressions! Here is to moving forward together as the women we were meant to be!
Anna,
Thanks for your comments. There are so many other issues to worry about than trying define what is and isn’t in a world where the lines have never been more blurred. The old ways need to go and people need to remember they have their own voice and to stop listening to all the falsehoods out there.
Be safe!
Thanks for the article Brina, you look wonderful by the way!
Jan,
Thank you for the kind compliments 🙂