After things get back to normal I’ll…
It might surprise some of you but my normal is pretty much the way things currently are. Most introverts like me are used to being stuck at home (by choice) and avoiding large gatherings (by choice) as well as doing our shopping online. When you talk about being a crossdresser who is more (me) or transgendered the word normal and afterwards takes on added meaning. We’re declared to be far removed from anything consisting of being normal. There never has been an afterwards for us. Is it about to change? For those who live in the US being transgendered is a hot topic on both sides. I think the war is going to escalate. I also believe that it may be necessary to do so.
I could spend hours discussing the political, religious, and cultural landscape surrounding us. Instead, I’d like to talk about this little world that we call Transgender Heaven. I’ve often wondered if I belong here; I’m also a member on Crossdresser Heaven, serving both sites as the Managing Editor. I used to pen articles but mostly gave that up when I took on the role. I believe it’s better to help others express themselves now. It’s that sitting in the back of the classroom mentality and collecting information that now has me wanting to share again. There are many topics that I hope to cover, and in a hopeful way I wish them to be inspiring enough that others will feel excited to share their own stories.
When the world resets and we start to venture out again I will still be in my closet. I have never been one to feel the need to be accepted by anyone other than myself, but I’m still deathly afraid of hurting those close to me. My daughters know that part of the reason my marriage failed was because of my crossdressing. Fifteen years ago, that’s what I still was. Throughout my life, I bought nylons and heels to satisfy my cravings and threw them away in shame and guilt. It took failing another 6 year relationship (not because of dressing because I didn’t the whole time) to realize there was something more to me. I’ve been single going on eight years, and though I miss the intimacy of a close relationship, I’m still not actively searching for one. The biggest reason is that I don’t know myself yet. Even at 60 I’m still in the process of figuring out who I am. I didn’t say what I am. I’m not a what.
I’ve sometimes been accused of talking about myself as separate personas. I do that because I must portray the pure male side of myself that others know rather than the blended person I know me to be. I’m not either and I’m uncertain of where I would find the most comfort. I wish that I knew. I don’t, and that’s why I’m here. To learn from the others that have felt the same. Did they find THEIR happiness at whatever point they navigated to? I’m not happy where I’m at, but I also feel the responsibility to continue on with my hidden life and visible life for now. I take care of my parents, one who is at stage 3 with lung cancer and going through dementia to boot. My father is 93. My world is bigger than just me. That hasn’t curtailed me from doing the little things to help me cope until I no longer can and have to become more direct. Will I ever consider transitioning—maybe. That’s the best I can say for now. When my parents have both left this world it will be my focus for living the rest of my life. I’m confident in my relationship with my children. They will accept me however I traverse the rest of my life.
I’ll end my thoughts today with you dear readers in mind. No matter how you see yourself there is always someone who will hold your hand and lend support. And I believe there are many more than we imagine there to be. I know that it takes a dozen to surround and hold us up to compensate for the one bad individual who tears us down. If you want to find those positive people search out the members on this site, read their stories, write your own and share it, or chat with like-minded friends. This site and CDH has made me more comfortable with who I am and where I might be headed. For now, that’s all that I can ask for. Someday, I may need that physical hand to hold on to, but I’ll never stop needing the virtual ones either.
Be well, be safe, and be hopeful!