I’ve spent most of my recent, and older life, thinking back on all those signs that I missed, and the ones I purposely avoided, ignored, took shots at, and begrudgingly followed. I’ve shared with you in retrospect what I hoped would be some commonalities to help you avoid similar pitfalls. I try to have fun as well as be serious when I write these blog posts. I find doing so is therapeutic for me, and hopefully, enjoyable for you. So… the person who received this letter is the young man I was at 18 preparing to head off to college, and the one who had a secret he didn’t understand.
Dear Sabrina,
I know the name on the envelope isn’t Sabrina, but somehow you know that it feels right. You hate it, and you want it. Someday, it will be Brina and you will be the Managing Editor of two websites… it’s the internet that you’ve just started to hear about; a place of magic and availability. You can search for, look at, and buy anything you can imagine, but most importantly, you’ll learn of the millions of people who are just like you. You are far from alone, not broken, and definitely not demented, sick, or going to hell.
I’m not going to tell you about your future because of some paradoxical twist that might endanger the entire cosmos… at least that’s what all the future movies will entail… oh how much you are going to love them. It makes today’s “Alien” look silly. (What a franchise that develops from that movie…) I instead, want to talk about the signs, some you have already seen, and those to come.
The hardest thing for us to grasp is knowing the difference between identity and sexuality. Learning to see ourselves for who we are instead of how others believe we should be. It’s okay, more than okay, it’s nature and not dictated by purposely scripted explanations from all sources of so-called experts, historians, religious leaders, and dictators, all who strive for one purpose: to control the narrative and the people. You are a part of evolution and humanity. I wish that I could tell you that “Star Trek” and its message of hope will come to pass… in some respects, the world is better, but in many ways, worse.
What the world will bring is connectivity. The instant thread that exists between similar groups, the world, and the proliferation of knowledge (some manipulated, some false, and much free) at your fingertips. The reason you feel drawn to the “Sears” catalog and the ads for the women in their lingerie isn’t “just” a sexual feeling. You already see that sign. Something feels “off”, and you don’t know what that is. You know you should hate it and want to dispose of it for good. And… something inside of you is trying to offer a calming voice against the fear. Listen to it; the voice is yours. The more you try to separate the two and silence the one, the harder your life will be. It isn’t about judgment by others, or even persecution, denial, or abnormality. It is simply the fear of being you. I know the fear is immense, even possibly dangerous. The way forward isn’t through fighting but through understanding, and in finding a balance that you can grow in, find happiness in, and thrive in.
Secrets eventually come out. The longer you keep them, the more they eat away at you. Still, responsibilities, promises, and timing all play a part in when they are revealed, if not exposed first. My advice is to pursue the path of truth when it happens. The continuation of a lie to protect a secret will only cause more turmoil and anxiety. If you can share your truth upfront before being exposed, it may surprise you. We are our worst enemy. I look back and wish I had… but at the same time, my life is what it is now and so many parts of it I wouldn’t change. Those lessons, those signs that I saw but ignored, shaped me. I only wish to offer you more peace within yourself.
Choice isn’t always necessary, regardless of what society tries to make you believe. Only the extreme live on their convictions of rightness with disregard for other opinions. They are the loudest voice and many times those in a position of authority. It doesn’t make them or their ramblings the truth. You may not always be able to be you on the outside, but you can always be you inside. There is a spirituality in accepting one’s true “ego.” You are more than just your name, the physical form you see in the mirror, or the intellect you have, you are the love within your heart, the compassion shown to others (and yourself), the forgiveness, understanding, and empathy to others that makes you, you. None of them needs to be sacrificed for the other. The signs will lead you to where you need to be.
We know, but we refuse to accept. We forgive others but not ourselves. We love deeply and harbor self-hate. We want peace but refuse to compromise. There is enough war raging outside, let the never-ending battles within you find common ground. Find your path, your balance, and your “self!” Let others come to know the person you are.
Love,
Brina
While somber, the truths are still there. We are one person (I know some believe in the multiple spirits inside… not saying that isn’t possible) that is a major concoction of history, genetics, upbringing, present situations, and everything else. I will always promote the simple need to find your balance. I won’t, nor should others, tell you what you need to do. Instead, I will only suggest that you read the signs that are intended for you alone. It may help you avoid unnecessary detours…
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish
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Latest posts by Sabrina MacTavish (see all)
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Very lovely profile and pics Sabrina 🙂
Thank you, kindly! 🙂
Thanks, Brina. I think I had already read it, but it connected me more today. I felt like I was living the letter. And like the great writings it led me to philosophize about my existence. Writing from feminine points of view has been a catharsis throughout my life. Fortunately, I discovered it at my childhood and thus I overcame the difficult years of internal struggle for my desire to present myself as a woman to the world and kept my masculinity intact in the male mode of my daily life, a shell that protected me from ridicule and the… Read more »
Very well put! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Your letter was perfect for me.As I’m s just starting this journey at the age of 70.All the signs and hints all my life I refused to accept.But now im right where I should be and your letter helped me see that. I thought I made peace with myself as im a sober drunk.But I needed to do that 1st now im on my 2nd part of that journey I started 26 yrs ago.while im scared ,I’m also excited.again thank you,
Sandi
Thank you! I appreciate you saying so. I recently watched a series on Apple called, “Dark Matter." My letter could be a representation within it. A man is kidnapped by a multiverse image of himself. One who didn’t have the wife and child he did. Instead of killing the hero, he puts him in his reality, hoping he’ll find it rewarding as he was noted and very wealthy there. Just the opposite; he wants his life back so he steps back into the “Box." It is a representation of all those signs in our lives and what may have happened… Read more »
Dear Brina. Thank you for the beautiful “letter “ it was in fact addressed to me over the past year things have been coming into focus more and more you’re insightful comments are truly appreciated
Thanks for the gracious comments! I think we can all be like that kid who sticks his fingers in his ear and chants to drown out the sound of his mother trying to tell him something important. Sometimes, we just need to listen…
Thanks Brina!
Terri
Thanks! Appreciate that 🙂
Hi Sabrina! I have to say that I relate to a lot of the things you mentioned in your letter. I love the idea of writing a letter to my past self and it’s definitely something I might consider in the future.
Thanks, Jessica. I’ve found that writing helps me to see (if that makes sense) some of the ongoing issues that I (we) face. I share it to help others. I’m not the answer, but I can be a help. Thanks for commenting 🙂
Jessica it was a must for me, and it was difficult, but I wrote this letter a million times in my mind each time it made me a stronger woman, I actually put the male in his grave, he died very young, allowing me to develop into the woman I am today. That “he’s to pretty to be a boy" is no more, let go
Thank you Brina.
My reaction? A deep long inhale.
A long slow controlled exhale with a sigh, and a sadness of heart in an attempt to relieve the tension built up by the thoughts generated by the read.
“Yes, Brina gets it." (I already knew you did)
Find the balance, live the balance, be content in the balance I’ve chosen.
Such would be easy if there weren’t so many influence, including my inner incessant yearning to be Charrie is all ways possible, constantly working to knock me off balance.
Hugs,
Charrie
Thanks! I think we can get caught up in moments (going both ways) that we take as a permanent sign, but it isn’t. This life is a fluctuation that genuinely leads towards a destination. It’s coming to an understanding that the destination may not be reached and learning to live in the enjoyment of being on the journey. I had this weird dream the other night. Sitting in a chair next to (God?) or someone. They offered me a choice. I could have great health, financial stability, my hearing restored, and live a long life if I agreed to completely… Read more »
I have often been so pressed at being trans and unfulfilled. Yet I don’t want not to be trans.
I have no clear idea of who I would be as a non trans male. However I have a very clear picture of who Charrie would be if I were fulltime. And I don’t want to give up that feminine spirit as it energizes the possibilities of my future. I don’t have that same clarity of possibility about a male future.
Does that make sense?
Absolutely, it makes sense! We sometimes try to see the outer us by the feelings we have. Kind of my point above. I love the inner me, not so much the outer me. Like others, I have my vision of what I should look like, and unfortunately, it doesn’t coincide with what I wish or expect. That is where my need for balance comes from. I try to embrace (love myself) for that (soul) I have and offer patience for the body that isn’t… Thanks for keeping the string going! 🙂
I’ve had similar thoughts, as I’m sure many of us have. And not just the male or female but with many aspects that we have lived. Will I be a young woman instead of an old man? I think more importantly that the need is to look at our life today and try to live it for ourselves, whatever that may entail. I will always have fear and doubt, but at my age now… peace is what I need most. Thanks for commenting.