I got a Letter!

I’ve spent most of my recent, and older life, thinking back on all those signs that I missed, and the ones I purposely avoided, ignored, took shots at, and begrudgingly followed. I’ve shared with you in retrospect what I hoped would be some commonalities to help you avoid similar pitfalls. I try to have fun as well as be serious when I write these blog posts. I find doing so is therapeutic for me, and hopefully, enjoyable for you. So… the person who received this letter is the young man I was at 18 preparing to head off to college, and the one who had a secret he didn’t understand.

Dear Sabrina,

                I know the name on the envelope isn’t Sabrina, but somehow you know that it feels right. You hate it, and you want it. Someday, it will be Brina and you will be the Managing Editor of two websites… it’s the internet that you’ve just started to hear about; a place of magic and availability. You can search for, look at, and buy anything you can imagine, but most importantly, you’ll learn of the millions of people who are just like you. You are far from alone, not broken, and definitely not demented, sick, or going to hell.

                I’m not going to tell you about your future because of some paradoxical twist that might endanger the entire cosmos… at least that’s what all the future movies will entail… oh how much you are going to love them. It makes today’s “Alien”  look silly.  (What a franchise that develops from that movie…) I instead, want to talk about the signs, some you have already seen, and those to come.

                The hardest thing for us to grasp is knowing the difference between identity and sexuality. Learning to see ourselves for who we are instead of how others believe we should be. It’s okay, more than okay, it’s nature and not dictated by purposely scripted explanations from all sources of so-called experts, historians, religious leaders, and dictators, all who strive for one purpose: to control the narrative and the people. You are a part of evolution and humanity. I wish that I could tell you that “Star Trek” and its message of hope will come to pass… in some respects, the world is better, but in many ways, worse.

                What the world will bring is connectivity. The instant thread that exists between similar groups, the world, and the proliferation of knowledge (some manipulated, some false, and much free) at your fingertips. The reason you feel drawn to the “Sears” catalog and the ads for the women in their lingerie isn’t “just” a sexual feeling. You already see that sign. Something feels “off”, and you don’t know what that is. You know you should hate it and want to dispose of it for good. And… something inside of you is trying to offer a calming voice against the fear. Listen to it; the voice is yours. The more you try to separate the two and silence the one, the harder your life will be. It isn’t about judgment by others, or even persecution, denial, or abnormality. It is simply the fear of being you. I know the fear is immense, even possibly dangerous. The way forward isn’t through fighting but through understanding, and in finding a balance that you can grow in, find happiness in, and thrive in.

                Secrets eventually come out. The longer you keep them, the more they eat away at you. Still, responsibilities, promises, and timing all play a part in when they are revealed, if not exposed first. My advice is to pursue the path of truth when it happens. The continuation of a lie to protect a secret will only cause more turmoil and anxiety. If you can share your truth upfront before being exposed, it may surprise you. We are our worst enemy. I look back and wish I had… but at the same time, my life is what it is now and so many parts of it I wouldn’t change. Those lessons, those signs that I saw but ignored, shaped me. I only wish to offer you more peace within yourself.

                Choice isn’t always necessary, regardless of what society tries to make you believe. Only the extreme live on their convictions of rightness with disregard for other opinions. They are the loudest voice and many times those in a position of authority. It doesn’t make them or their ramblings the truth. You may not always be able to be you on the outside, but you can always be you inside. There is a spirituality in accepting one’s true “ego.” You are more than just your name, the physical form you see in the mirror, or the intellect you have, you are the love within your heart, the compassion shown to others (and yourself), the forgiveness, understanding,  and empathy to others that makes you, you. None of them needs to be sacrificed for the other. The signs will lead you to where you need to be.

                We know, but we refuse to accept. We forgive others but not ourselves. We love deeply and harbor self-hate. We want peace but refuse to compromise. There is enough war raging outside, let the never-ending battles within you find common ground. Find your path, your balance, and your “self!” Let others come to know the person you are.

 Love,

Brina

While somber, the truths are still there. We are one person (I know some believe in the multiple spirits inside… not saying that isn’t possible) that is a major concoction of history, genetics, upbringing, present situations, and everything else. I will always promote the simple need to find your balance. I won’t, nor should others, tell you what you need to do. Instead, I will only suggest that you read the signs that are intended for you alone. It may help you avoid unnecessary detours…

Until next time…

More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish

• The Gift
• Good Intentions
• Thanksgiving
• Where has My Woman gone?
• To be or Not (No, it’s to be!)

The following two tabs change content below.

• Bio
• Latest Posts

Sabrina MacTavish

I've been on this path for nearly 50 years, beginning at age 7 when I wore my grandma's old dresses with my cousins. It felt natural. Later, I went through the fetish stage and fought with my insides. After my divorce 20 years ago, I let Brina out only to bury her away during another relationship. Now I accept that she is more who I really am and live my life in the hopes that my path will one of future happiness. Over the last 6 years, I've found out more about who I am, the path that I'm on, and what it means to be transgendered. I've also been much happier since I acknowledged and accepted myself for who I am. I'm still much in the closet as responsibilities take precedence. It doesn't help being an introvert by nature, but I will gracefully walk (mostly, ok, not so gracefully) this path as I become a better me.

Latest posts by Sabrina MacTavish (see all)

• I got a Letter! - March 9, 2024
• The Gift - February 11, 2024
• Good Intentions - January 12, 2024