I had the best of intentions… but… (fill in the blank with your own reasons.)
I’ll go first! There were several things that I wanted to get done after my Mom passed. Many were started, some even finished, and then Dad had his ongoing year of decline. What once seemed important to me, just wasn’t. We will always have regrets but exactly how many of them are life-changing or would have altered the trajectory of ours or another’s life (negatively or positively?) My bet is; not many.
When I first married, Brina wasn’t even a thought, only a fetish that I couldn’t shake. Still, as time went on I had good intentions, and as I learned more about her and me, I wanted to explain to the ex. I didn’t because she found out I liked women’s clothing by catching me during the first year of our marriage in her prom dress. She didn’t see me, but I had to explain. Her response was, “If I ever catch you again, we’re through!” I hid it well for 22 more years and (thankfully) she did, and we ended what was a bad relationship. The truth is that I had good intentions not to tell because of our girls. In the end, they found out the wrong way as my ex swore me to secrecy and then ranted about it to them. We talked about it once (separately with each one) and it has never been broached again… (my good intentions to try now are still being procrastinated.) Should I? Should they? They are smart, and I’m betting they have noticed and accepted our silent, acknowledged understanding. I felt more of a need to keep it as such while taking care of my parents; now it doesn’t matter unless I…
I what? Want to live the rest of my life as a woman, a crossdresser, or in between. At what point do they, or anyone that matters to me need (have, should, ought) to know about my uncertainties? How many times have I nearly blurted out to my girls or best friend what I’m going through; good intentions, but… the timing isn’t right; I’m just not sure enough to say what I want; why should I tell them. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Here is my rationale. As a single person without the responsibilities of taking care of my parents anymore, I can live my life as I see fit, not as much any longer as “They see fit!” I hesitated in the past to give in to “good intentions” and divulge for their and my sake. I could tell my girls easily enough, maybe invite one or both to go on a girl’s trip. It might be fun! It might also be the end of a relationship or the start of a better one. You supply me with the odds, and I might give it a go. I hate conflict, avoid it unless faced with it, and then I fly through it by the seat of my pants—usually coming out unscathed. How many times I’ve dreamed of opening a store (here in my conservative small town that would cater to those like us) and flaunting my femineity all over town… good intentions, which will never (most likely ever) happen here. I have a four-bedroom house that I could have guests and parties at, clothes, shoes, and accessories to share, but being an introvert, I love my space, peace and quiet… good intentions.
I can write; that I can continue to do. One good intention was to start a blog and do my best to help others! Check! As a novelist, I wrote a short novella and was ready to pounce on the opportunity to become the next great (somewhat trans, crossdressing, gender-neutral) author. I wrote a 300-page novel with a Crossdressing character… six years ago… good intentions. I’ve been through it a few times and never completed it through the editing process (before you ask; I am now.) How many in the series will I be able to finish before nodding off into the sunset depends on my “Good Intentions.” It’s quite possible that my world as an author will converge when I do so, maybe not at first, but I can see it happening. And that may be my coming out party.
All my editing of the articles here on this site and over on Transgender Heaven has helped my writing. It also fuels my good intentions. Sharing my thoughts with you in this column feeds those same intentions. Helping others express theirs does as well. This site has continued to be one of my best intentions; the place where I can share my thoughts and the occasional pictures. I can’t open the store yet, but I decided to package up some of the over-abundance of Brina’s inventory and sell it. I’ve done that in the past, mostly I give it away. The intent is to offer guidance and help along with (my best assessment of) appropriate coordination of items.
I believe the notion that I should take, and I hope you do as well, is that we all share the desire to be good. I’m not sure exactly what the proper definition of that would be… One person’s good is another’s evil. We try to demonstrate this with our good intentions. We tend to chastise ourselves (and I mean from the CD side) when we fail to follow through. I’m fond of saying “The (bowling, golf, basketball) gods had it in for me.” As a bowler just the mere mention of the 10-pin to another will cause it to rear its ugly head. Never say my round today is going great; the golf gods are listening in for such blasphemy. I think there are crossdressing gods out there, too! I know that they have saved me a few times, and equally laughed at me when they put me in precarious situations (ex came home early, couldn’t get the way too small dress back off or reach the zipper…)
It is hard to think of oneself as good or even of good intentions when we deal with the self-imposed stigma of what we are, and what society sees us as. Don’t! And I mean; don’t fall into that thought process. I was there, and it was a lonely, dark place to dwell. What pulled me out was accepting that it is okay to be this… because I am not the only one; so far from it. This site and TGH show us that; the internet bursts with others worldwide like us. Acceptance is not the same as needing to shout it from the top of the mountain or step out of the closet to prove its worth. We each have our own life to live, responsibilities, beliefs, and paths to follow. Find your balance and live the best life you can; may it be full of good intentions because that is far better than no intentions…
Until next time…
(So, before you ask… yes, I plan to have my novel ready sometime this spring. That is my intent…)
More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish
View all articles by Sabrina MacTavish
Latest posts by Sabrina MacTavish (see all)
- I got a Letter! - March 9, 2024
- The Gift - February 11, 2024
- Good Intentions - January 12, 2024
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Hi Brina,
You write: I had the best of intentions… but… (fill in the blank with your own reasons.)
Best intention – I will write a reply to this article.
And the reply grew longer, then I thought, “This is article material."
Now I intend. . .
Thank you for your article. You provided the proverbial “grease on the skids" I needed at this time.
Hugs,
Charrie
Whoo-hoo! Glad I could be of inspiration! Thanks 🙂
Brina – Hang in there girl! I too am at a place in my life where the kids are all grown and in their 30s now. They know of April and accept her to varying degrees. They all love me though and I am pretty sure they want me to be happy. I would hope that your daughters want you to be happy too.
The main thing is to be happy with who you are. Life is really so short. We need to enjoy the life we have been given.
Hugs,
April
Thanks, April. I appreciate the support. There is a difference for me now. Instead of worrying if it happens, I’m prepared to handle it if it does, whenever that may be.
Thanks for the comments!
Hi 😊Love this article. I no longer go out as Marc and haven’t pretty much since I joined TGH. I am very happy as Reiht and like to go out and actually meet other people (relatively new for me). I go out and do some baking & cooking at our social club 3 to 4 times a week (exhausting 😅) but really fun. I celebrated Christmas for the 1st time in 30+ years and absolutely enjoyed myself. I have very little contact with family members except for 2 of my sisters who tolerate me. I will be 70 years old… Read more »
Wonderful to hear that you have found your place! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thanks for another great article Sabrina , hugs
Thanks for saying so! 🙂
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written there, I’ve had many good intentions for sure! Oh My, I have had so many and have just let them sit and go stale, for one “good" reason or another! Like right now as I write this I’m thinking I should be using my fingers to do something else, and right now it’s practicing piano. There are so many pieces I would dearly love to play, but I sit here reading and interacting with others in the CD and MtF trans community instead of doing enough practice! Writing too, as… Read more »
I always appreciate the candid comments 🙂 My point is always this: figure out what is important to you so that you have balance… for you. What another does may not be the best for you. Our lives are made up of chosen or neglected sacrifices. The best we can hope for is to end life with the least amount of regrets. Being who we are is a big one but not the only one. Thanks for sharing! Now, get back to practicing…
So right. The thing with getting older is that the longer we live, the more friends and family we outlive. So many reminisce about their lives, and the things they wish they had done. Now, in my golden years, I’ve finally decided that I’m not going to let Jennifer die alone in some dark closet and I’ve come out to my friends and family. So far, no one has shown any negativity, well, my sister says I can’t look better than she does. But it does make me regret not coming out sooner. Oh yes, I always had the best… Read more »
What great insights you share. I agree that many of us probably harbor more fear and excuses than is warranted. But… that is also something each of us must contend with in our own ways. If you find a balance that makes you satisfied and mostly (can we ever really be totally) happy then I think that matters. If we need to be more, then that is what must be addressed for the sake of health and happiness. This is something that I am learning for myself. Thank you for the comments and insights! 🙂
Sabrina, I can feel your angst in this last article. I hope your girls would enjoy having a day with you as you truly are. I’m pretty certain my only girl child would not. My feeling is she will never in my physical lifetime get use to me, her father, being a girl. This is not to say yours wouldn’t accept it fully. Please let us all know when your book is published, and do please give us a hint as to whether it is a journal or a fictional novel. Oh, tell is where we may be able to… Read more »
I agree with your sentiments… you will never know what the outcome will be, thus, how important is it to push it to happen? I’m not at that point. However, if by chance they instigate the moment, I’ll be ready. I finished my 3rd edit and will work on formatting and another edit before preparing it for distribution. It will be available on Amazon when I have it ready, I’m still deciding on just eBook or whether to offer a print, too. This is a fictional serial with a main character (Sam-Samantha) who is a very passable CD (maybe more–sound… Read more »
Sabrina, I certainly don’t wish to grab your spotlight on your new almost published book. Back in 2013 at a time when I had finished a five-year contract with a hospital for ob/gyn services, I finally decided to try my hand at writing a fictional novel, the crux of the story sitting in my mind for some 15 years spurred by my dealings with my occupation. It was a grand experience. I finished and published the second book in the series in 2016 and marketed on my own…not an easy feat. The genre probably more fits under literary fiction. The… Read more »