Nothing scares us more than the erratic pattern of our crossdressing lives; sometimes forced by situations such as vacations or extended guests staying at the house, or even the Pandemic. The most worrisome is the break that happens when I can but don’t dress, even more so than the extended dressing when I really start to believe that transition is the next logical step.
Such is the life of being more than just a crossdresser. If I’m being truthful, I think we all are, but we don’t want to wear the label. I don’t mean this as an affront to those who strongly state their heterosexual maleness with a passion for dressing in women’s garbs as more of a fetish. My comments hereon in hopefully speak to those of you who question your place on the ever-evolving gender scale.
I’m going to skip the science lecture on genetics and DNA. Let’s just talk about it in a commonsense way. We are equally (other than our male Y chromosome) parts of our mother and father. That small Y puts us on the path toward being male, but it doesn’t preclude us from inheriting traits from our mothers. My point is that when you take away only the “sex” component, we are a product of the historical evolution of men and women. It has produced all humanity and its versions, forever being blended together as the purity of containment disperses worldwide. There are still pockets where iconic traits still hold, but for how much longer? We are by nature an ongoing mutation toward…
Our deviancy isn’t genetic, it’s social, religious, and construed by those who wish to suppress it. Who we love, how we look, the color of our eyes, our health, etc. are all products of inherited traits. Having or not having the Y chromosome in the simplified meaning enforces determined sexual characteristics. It doesn’t wire our brains to align with as much as we might believe. That is what culture, society, and religion do plus all the other genetic input. I can’t speak to this, as I am not on HRT, but the effect of testosterone and estrogen balance clearly alters perceptions. Do I have the desire to be feminine because I’m naturally inclined with more estrogen? If they shot me full of testosterone, would I cease in my desire to dress? This is the battle raging in the political arena. Their major determination for being male or female is the presence of the Y chromosome and the produced or lack of physical traits. Common sense should abound, but it rarely does. We know better.
Open mind or closed mind? No middle ground? The world is this or that, with me or against me! The truth is that certainty is the minority, and the grey area is the majority, as it is in most things. Otherwise, we’d never have fuzzy math or the invention of new words. Science adapts, so why doesn’t culture? It does, but only when dragged out of the dark ages by the masses who overthrow the established order. Our history (worldwide) has been shaped by war and counterwars, similar to what we find going on today.
So where has my woman gone? Nowhere! She ebbs and flows with the moments and the expectations of what is needed. When I go a few days and haven’t dressed, I guarantee that I’ve thought about it, wanted to, and sometimes said, “Nah, not today.” If that turns into a week or a month, is it significant? Is something changing and I need to reassess? That’s where the anxiety of being who I am likes to rear is ugly head (the voices of doubt and society trying to sway the grey.) The last three weeks have been one of limited (for me not on vacation) dressing patterns. When looking at it backward with thought, it isn’t what I might have tried to make it out to be; a changing attitude toward myself and what I think I am. No, it was really nothing at all. Like many of you, my femininity loves to be expressed by long nails, hair, heels, dresses, the full experience. I get by most days or the rest of my day by the simple pleasure of wearing “typical” women’s underwear (cotton even and plain colored). I had an estate sale to get ready for, outside yard work that needed to be done, household cleaning projects, several consecutive days of events to attend, a get-together with my daughter and her family, and dealing with a major bout of poison ivy. None of those things screamed, “Put on my dress and heels,” let alone artificial long nails and makeup. If I’d transitioned and had my own long hair and nails, I’d be mad because of the damage done to them, and I most assuredly wouldn’t have had my makeup on while weed-whacking (catching my usual case of poison ivy) or digging up the garden.
I am allowed to feel as I feel for the situation that I am in. It isn’t and doesn’t need to be black or white or pertaining to be male or female. If I were on the female side, I’d put on my garden gloves, tie my hair back in a ponytail, throw on my grubby clothes, and go to work. Is that male-oriented? See… society and culture thoughts getting in the way. We do it to ourselves; this is what I think is female and what is male; why? Because I’m always looking for justification. Being a blend of male and female isn’t bad, it’s actually pretty basic within all of us. We place too much emphasis on the outliers, the things we see as pertinent points, such as that which only a male or female has or would do. Not long ago women couldn’t vote and only men could be members at Agusta National Golf Course. Perceptions change, albeit very slowly, but change is inevitable. With inevitability, there is also hope. With hope there is the possibility of attainment.
I had to fill out a few questionnaires recently. One, I still marked male, the other I bravely used one of the other descriptive categories-non gender conforming. I’ve noticed an increased selection option with many requests instead of just Male, Female, other, or prefer not to say. That’s a positive step. I type this in my usual Brina dressing style sans makeup and nails. Later today, it’s painting outside in my full male on, but Brina will be smiling inside, even smirking because someday she might actually be doing something similar while having her (or wig) hair in a ponytail… not that it matters because who we are is more than just a Y chromosome or lack of.
Until next time, be happy in the moments you find peace and breathe deeply when you feel the anxiety rising. You got this!
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AB aka AnnaBeth
I ask myself the same question, looking for tidy closure. Fortunately life happens and selfacceptance creates a path. Secrets once reflexive are empty without merit. My life works as Tamara, under construction.
I enjoyed reading how your journey developed, especially shopping without fear. I too went through similar growing challenges, but my congenital desires of being just another girl wouldn’t fade away, thank goodness.
I don’t want to be confused by this philosophical wandering, or even scientific, clinical explanations! Honestly, I just want to be a Lady; a feminine entity in love with life! I wish I were brne a girl, but I will have to make do as I am. Skirts, dresses, makeup all help, but creating a feminine soul is what I want. Let me BE a Lady, and my world will become wonderful! Let me feelings of love and care pass out of me and envelop a sweet, handsome partner for the rest of my life! Yes, let me be Roxanne,… Read more »
I know that feeling. I wish I had a magic pill (no; many magic pills to share with others) that would make it happen! Thanks for commenting 🙂
Brina, unfortunately I can’t really relate to your issue. Since I came out I’ve never had to play one role one day and a different one on the next. One of the things I learned in many years of therapy and more years of studying psychology is hiding things, essentially lying, will make you crazy. I’m so sorry you have to deal this it. Regarding your comment on people that define sex solely on chromosome pairs, those same people don’t understand it’s possible to have XY chromosomes and bear children and it’s also possible to be XX, have a working… Read more »
Elli,
Thanks for adding some more insights! I agree with you that the possibilities within genetics and biology in general are fascinating. (If we could only find a cure for the gene that creates idiocrasy and blind analysis). It really seems (throughout history) that excessive periods of narrow thinking suddenly and usually are forcibly overthrown to allow way for momentary idea expansion. Then the next war starts as those ideas are fought against. Kind of the 2 steps forward, one back approach. Change is never easy, but not impossible. I’ll keep pushing for the impossible… Thanks for commenting.
Hi Brina, They found the cause over a decade ago. It’s all tied to the amygdala, the so called fight or flight center or the reptilian brain. They can scan your brain and predict with better than 95% accuracy if you are on the conservative right or the liberal left. They can do this with kids that haven"t even developed an understanding of politics or liberal vs conservative thinking. The larger your amygdala, the more fear hormones your body produces. The only thing I know of is an education that encourages you to investigate on your own and shows you… Read more »
Information and the ability to own it, use it, or manipulate it has been at the forefront of all human history. It is the same today, only in many cases it is the ability of those to churn and misdirect the information today (social media, politics, and general advertising) away from what they wish to hide Get caught, no problem, create a new diversion. Thanks for some more good thoughts!
Hi Ladies, I’m just beginning my transition at 63. No I didn’t cross dress when a boy, too chicken sh#$. I remember the violence against blacks, gays and women in the ’60’s and ’70’s. I digress, I was just thinking further along your lines Brina. About the y chromosome. If you look at the physiology it pushes out the same sex organs and changes their chemistry. The ovaries become testes, which are outside of the uterus. Which turns inwards encasing the " balls" and becoming the scrotum. Do I need to continue? My point is in agreement. Does the y… Read more »
Excellent points! Thank you for responding and commenting 🙂 I’m there with you on the crying. It only seems to be getting more so the older I get. Happy, triumphant, sad, empathetic to be sure, but boy (sorry-girl) they flow easily. I think some of that is letting go of the need to consider crying a female thing. Society has long tried to program us, and the real question we need to ask is, “Why?" How much safer, better, fairer, truer, etc would the world be if they focused on individual rights versus the labeled rights of specification?
Thank you for this. I know when I step away from my female side, I get all tense. And when she returns I am all content again.
It’s a wonderful feeling
Hugs Sabrina
I think that is common for most of us, especially those who accept this side of themselves. Thanks for the comments.
I’ve gotten to the point where there is so much mixing of my wardrobe… I just. don’t care. A quick visit to my barroom would raise eyebrows for sure. I do need to say that there is information that there is probably a genetic component. Slight divergences in male and female brain structures. And the discovery that most human beings are chimeras… all cells in our bodies do not have the same genetic information. Research is ongoing. It’s entirely possible that this could be true for genes that contribute to the feelings for a desire to be female.
Thanks for the comments. I believe it is so much more complicated than our glorious leaders wish to acknowledge. I could go off on so many different tangents. Because of evolution and technology, the world is vastly different than 200, 2,000, or 200,000 years ago. Trying to justify today by something established 5,000 years ago makes little sense. Even science evolves as what was once accepted is no longer viable. Like I said… I could go on and on!
You have invaded my mind, sweetheart! I so want my femininity, but, as you described, there are times when my maleness simply controls the issue! But i hope, one day, I too will be in that ponytail and let Roxanne be completely in charge, controlling my reactions, my gender, and my pasion for existence! I know I can even wash and wax my car in skinny jeans, a light foundation, and some beige lipstick! Yes, I want to be a Lady no matter what! And then, maybe a male as a partner, a love interest? Who knows, but of such… Read more »
I think about my mindset if coming from the other side. For now, I still have to pose as the man when I feel more like the woman. What if I were on the other side, living as a woman and having to pose as a man. How much of what I consider man would be incorporated into my daily woman? Quite a lot I suspect. Thank you for the comments! 🙂
I had my partner ask me the one day if I was switching back because I don’t wear as much make up as often as I use to and don’t dress up as frequently as i use to and so she thought that i was dressing up more male than female. I told her that I am not ever going backwards to being a male, and that its just sort of that like when life gets crazy and some people let themselves go and their appearance, well for me its me still showering regularly and all that to be cleanly… Read more »
For me, I think there is a settling point where the understanding of being more female begins to take away from the CD excitement of dressing. If you can dress whenever you want, the need to “steal" moments to dress and sneaking around loses some of its luster. Truthfully, we are just being us in the situation that we find ourselves. Women who come home from work take off the nice clothes to dress in the grubbies. CDs come home from work and put on their finest women’s clothing. Those of us in the middle try to wear what we… Read more »
Brina – I wrote about something very similar years ago. And the funny thing is, my dressing desires actually increase as my testosterone goes up! I think that may be because “sexuality" of any kind is heightened by hormones – also any kind. When my T is very low I just don’t seem to care as much one way or another. When it is higher my latent desires come to the forefront.
In any case, great article!
Hugs,
April
Thanks! We are, like so many things, impossible to define and forever being misrepresented by those who think they know. I have one of those interesting combinations of traits. I love the analytical side (do puzzles and Sudoku) and have a very creative side that loves the grey areas. Talk about polar extremes! And yet, that is what the world tries to contemplate on so many things. How can I make something black or white instead of compromise? Someday… hopefully! Thanks for commenting. 🙂
Brina, thank you for your thoughts. Do you think the ebb and flow of our femininity is a common experience. I too ebb and flow though no matter how great the enb of my feminine essence the desire to be a woman is ever present. That desire never leaves nor do I want it to.
I wonder if the ebb is a coping mechanism that helps me make it through those times when authenticity seems well nigh impossible.
Good question and thanks for the comments. I believe we all develop coping mechanisms in our lives. It could be for staying in a job we hate but feel is necessary. I see the similarities. The first realization that became focal to me was the need to emulate being female rather than the attraction to things like clothing that females wear. That first sign of possibly being more trans than a CD? It was likely there the whole time for me growing up, but I went through the normal progressions that many of us have until realizing that this was… Read more »
I feel ya, Brina!
Thanks, Dawn!