While I Pondered, Weak and Weary


Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—

    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

En Femme Style

As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—

            Only this and nothing more.” EAP


Oh, the times I have sat and pondered, not a curious volume of forgotten lore, but of the lore that is me; who I am right now, today, this very second in time. Affixed to a chair, on a spinning big blue marble hurtling through the abyss of space.

Who am I? What am I? Why am I? Just a subset of the questions we all ask ourselves innumerable times throughout our lives. Your questions are no different than mine. The difference is the stage, and the actors on that stage. “The whole world is a stage”. Remember?

So, who am I really? No one special. But at the same time, I am the most special “me” there is. Because there is no me, like me, anywhere near me; so, I must be “me.” Sounds quite easy and logical. Well, maybe on the face. And if it were, I’d just be a facade; of something. No, I am a very complex system of tiny things, all working in concert and harmony with one another. When one part of the system is having an off time, the other parts pitch in to pick up the slack. When the physical me is tired and worn down, my brain helps everyone get under the covers, and the brain slows the others down to help them rest, while it goes about cleaning up its own house.

What am I? Well, at a very high level, I guess you could say I’m human; given that I seem to more closely resemble other humans, as opposed to say, a petunia, or a rock, or a dolphin. I have worn many guises over the years; as I grew from infant, to toddler, to youngster, and on and on. As with all humans, I have “morphed” right along with everyone else. My guise is no different than anyone else’s guise. All human guises are unique, as unique as our eye color, the hairs on our head, or our fingerprints. Such a boring existence should all our guises be identical. If that were the case, I would probably long to be a petunia, or a rock, or a dolphin.

Why am I? Well, I do have my suspicions, and what I believe. But why ‘me’? Why now? Why here? Why; because the world needs me here, and now, and in the guise I possess. And at exactly the same proportion, that I need of each and every person roaming this big blue marble at this point in time.  As the phrase goes, ‘no one is an island unto themselves’. We all need each other. We all give and take, from each other, to help us all grow.

So, as I write this, pondering, not weak nor weary, as I gaze out my window at the tiny speck of marble visible to me, who knows how many are in their cars, or homes, or at work or play, to which may be suffering. Or maybe enjoying life to the fullest… Somewhere, a new human is taking their first breath, while another is taking their last. One has fulfilled life’s reason, while the other is just opening up their new book.

A book filled with blank pages. A book that they keep in their mind, tucked away and safe. A book that can be filled with whatever wondrous things are along the path they choose to follow. A book, while very private, will have a momentous impact on all those they come in contact. A book that will chronicle all those that they come in contact with themselves.

I wonder how many books I am in?

En Femme Style

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Michelle Lawson

Well as for the physical 'me'; I had an orchiectomey in October of 2019 and my BA in Oct of 2021. Along with that, will be a change to all of my identification; name changes and gender markers. As for the rest of the 'what makes Michelle tick', come visit the Chat Rooms, and the Forums. As a Manager on TGH, I help to make sure your experiences here are safe, happy, supportive, and educational. You are here to grow and thrive, and we are here to nurture that growth. I look forward each day to helping to keep TGH the de facto standard for support in the transgender community. I look forward to chatting with you all, and reading through what you all post. And if you come across a transgender friendly or supportive place, drop me a line so we can figure out how to add it to our Local Places.

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Gisela Claudine
Gisela Claudine(@firefly)
5 months ago

Sublime. You leave me a lesson and a reflection in this wonderful article.It’s beautiful. It is life itself. “I am myself and my circumstances," said a conspicuous Spanish philosopher Ortega y Gassett.. It’s what contributes to who we are. We are unique. I don’t think even a clone would be identical to me. You’ve found an effective st5yle to present it, Michelle. Life is complicated and you have to find a way to make the most of it because it will not happen again. We can do nothing but live the life we have been given to live the way… Read more »

andrew valentine
andrew valentine(@drewshoe12703)
8 months ago

I adore this for it has a different meaning to everyone who reads it, sometimes its good to be reminded that we are ourselves for the reason of growing and facing our unique fears and problems. EAP is a wonderful addition. Nice to see this and hope you are well Michelle- Andrew V.

Dana Munson
Dana Munson(@misstranslation)
11 months ago

Oh, I love Poe! Can you imagine a kid who asks for a book containing the complete works of Poe as his middle school graduation present? Yeah, that was me. “The Raven" is a cool poem, but not even his best. Of course, to read Poe, you need to have a good dictionary at hand. But he’s a great stimulus to expanding one’s vocabulary! And you dabble in Shakespeare as well? (“All the world’s a stage") The Bard has something for everybody, and for every mood. If you’re depressed, MacBeth’s closing soliloquy will speak to you: “…Out! Out, brief candle!… Read more »

Jonnie Bigelow
Jonnie Bigelow(@jonniebgood)
11 months ago

Lovely meditation. Who am I? An awareness, nothing more, except that “I" am connected to the awareness in everyone, and of Source! I have certain things to learn and express while I’m here. My hope is I rub off on everyone around me in a good way. I’m going on 68. On HRT for 6 months and looking forward to some facial feminization and bottom surgery results, hopefully next year. I am customizing my body to more accurately represent its operator. I don’t have to reincarnate, so I am making this life the best one ever. Blessings All.

Anna Shane
Anna Shane(@sanka)
11 months ago

I am 71, been on HRT since 11-2021. My Insurance just came through to cover my GRS. It’s never too late to live your authentic self. I’m fortunate to live in Oregon where politicians don’t try to play Doctor. Best wishes to all!

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