Thoughts about “Passing”

Hey they, girlfriends.  It’s great to be with you again.  Happy Christmas season to you.  You are all beautiful heroes.  Never forget that.

I’ve read many stories, posts, forums and articles here about “passing”, and I wanted to add my 3 cents worth (everything costs more, now, thanks to COVID).  I have begun to wonder about exactly what “passing” means to our community.  So, bear with me as I explore my labyrinth of thoughts.

“Passing” as a Goal

The desire to appear as a naturally feminine person seems to be a rather universal goal for us.  when our goal is to pass, our lives become enriched in many ways.  My own experience shows me that I have drastically improved in my own self care.  I have learned many new skills in caring for my skin, hair, hands, feet, nails….you name it.  I learn a new make up twist each time I sit at my mirror.  I continue to mine the internet to develop different hair styles, fashions, and (previously) esoteric feminine skills.   With each passing day, I enjoy greater satisfaction in what I have accomplished, as well as notice ‘just one more thing’ that I want to improve.  So, the goal of “passing” had become a vehicle for self confidence, personal empowement, and a sense of accomplishment.

“Passing” for others

 Exactly how many times have I wondered if anyone will mark me as transgender?  And what will happen to me if they do?  And how many times have I avoided going out because of what others will think or say or do?  I have spent the vast majority of my paltry 68 years hiding from my true self, and trying to act such a way that nobody will ever, EVER suspect who In really am.  Of course, I never want to be the focus of adverse or negative attention…who does?  I want to be my natural self without a lot of stress and anxiety.  DUH!  But the thought of being clocked is a powerful deterrent.  Anxiety, nervousness, fear, hyper-vigilance, body and emotional tension, and awkward behaviors in public are the result.  So I wonder if that result is more noticeable to others than the way I dress?  I think that we are lead down a harmful path if we concern ourselves with how others will receive us.  While I fully admit that I want to appear as a natural woman, I also want to be healthy and comfortable in myself.  So I’m not going to overlook the everyday common sense idea of knowing where you are, just like visiting any strange location– don’t venture far into unfamiliar territory and stay in the safe zones.

“Passing” for self

Ah, here is where I get disoriented in my thought corridors.  Exactly WHO am I trying to impress by “passing”?  Could it be that I am projecting my own insecurities and dysphoria onto others with efforts to pass in their eyes? Just what is it that prevents me from being okay with myself just as I am?  After all, 5 years ago, I never gave thought to what somebody might think.  Some people just like me,  and take me as I am.  Some people just don’t   It has always been that way.  In the past, I chose to associate with likes and to be politely distant from the don’t likes.  What is so different now?

Well, I can’t overlook the terrible attacks on members of our community just for being real.  I would be foolish to ignore the possibility in my life. But in the final analysis, is that danger really much different that the odds of being mugged in a park or city street?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I didn’t let It interfere with my life in the past.

What I conclude is that my real aim in “passing” is to pass in my own eyes.  It becomes my own evaluation of how I’m doing, an academic grade, if you please.  I work hard to be excellent in what I do,m and when I judge myself as having that excellence, I have passed the course.  I think I am a very good parent. I think I am very good at my job. I think I am very accomplished as a musician.  I don’t really mind if you think I could be better; I’m satisfied with my abilities.  Sure, I welcome critical feedback and use it to my benefit if I see fit. I can always improve.  “Passing”, to me, means developing the same sense of competence and self approval in my current adventure.  I am working toward being passable for myself.

“Passing” as anacronism

Hmmm!  Is that a light up ahead in this maze of thoughts?  I wonder if the concept of “passing” is a remnant of my early life conditioning about gender, male and female roles, sexuality and sexual stereotypes, etc?  I the past few years, I have observed an obvious increase in the presence of our community in society at large.  Just look at YouTube, television, media, politics, even just this site and our sister site, CDH.  We’re everywhere!  Where were you way back then?!  There is an entire generation that is growing up with gender issues as a relatively common thread.  Very young folks don’t even bat an eye at us, unless to gain our attention and conversation.  Jazz, Laverne, “Drag Race”, some elected officials, vastly improved services specializing in our needs and issues….we are not so slowly becoming mainstream.

 

For those of us who grew up without the digital world, we were only exposed to socially edited and censored information about how to behave in public and in private.  Conform to the norm or be outcast.  That conditioning runs deep, affecting our thoughts and self concept to the core.  I was conditioned to respect others, and I just can’t bring myself to neglect that conditioning to this day.  It may be so regarding my early conditioning about gender issues.  But, the bright side is that I am not required to act on that conditioning, or accept it as being my reality.

As I work my way through my adventure, I find that I am working to please myself.  All I really need to do is be confident in passing for myself.  And it isn’t even “passing” any more.  It’s about being confident, and competent, and strong, beautiful and genuinely me.  And, as I progress, the quotation marks disappear;  the spelling changes, the idea loses power, and I can blossom into the rose I really am.  I don’t need to pass.  I only need to be me.

Once again, thanks for indulging me.  Each or you are a blessing to me, and I hope I am a blessing to you.

Peace and love.      Carly

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I started a brand new life and life style a little more that a year ago. I think I have had a wonderful time on this adventure, and I really look forward to the rest of the ride. After a lifetime of hiding, I am finally doing what I needed to do years and years ago. TGH has been integral in helping me stay balanced and healthy during this time. I am thankful and grateful to the guy that was here before me. He taught me so much that I needed to know to be able to do this with confidence. He will never be a "dead self": He will be cherished and praised for what he gqve me and prepared me to do. I hope to be able to share my life and my experiences during this adventure, and maybe even make some lifelong friends and be an encouragement or a support for other women on this journey. I wish you all the best love, peace and satisfaction you so well deserve. Carly

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Sophie Bourne
Member
Sophie Bourne (@sophiebourne)
5 months ago

Hi Carly and thanks for sharing your thoughts. For me “passing” boils down to three key things: – Being consistently correctly gendered and never mis-gendered. This is because mis-gendering is really painful to me and I want to avoid that pain. – Enjoying the social privileges that women take for granted. This especially includes being able to strike up nice conversations with other women, exchange compliments on clothes, makeup and so on. And engage in meaningful deep friendships where we share each other’s secrets and just trust each other. Avoid receiving the wary looks or eyes turned away that I… Read more »

Patricia Allen
Member
Patricia Allen (@patriciamarie)
9 months ago

To pass or not to pass, that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of being who you are, or to take up extreme measures to deceive and perhaps outrage those around you when discovered. My apologies to the Bard. My point is do we really want to pass or do we really want to be accepted and validated for who we are. I first started going out as Patricia in my 30s. (1970 something) I took great pains to try to tick all the boxes of femininity. I bought a… Read more »

Sophie Bourne
Member
Sophie Bourne (@sophiebourne)
9 months ago

One of those paradoxical things… the more passable we are, the less noticeable. Or the prettier we are, the more noticeable and the less passable. Which would you rather be? Pretty or passable? Noticed or ignored? OK, so you want both, right? That’s going to be tougher. At one level, “passing” isn’t that hard, and most of us will be able to do it well after a few years of transition, including hormone therapy. It’s about looking just female enough so that the first glance evaluation we get (the first quarter of a second) makes the brain’s gender detector flash… Read more »

Charee
Member
Active Member
Charee (@charee)
9 months ago

Hello sweet soul; I agree whole heartedly Carly, the more “I” learn to “give” acceptance, support and Love to myself for who I am and how I choose to present my body, the less I feel any concern about “getting” that from others out there.
It’s a beautiful thing really 🙂

Namaste’ Hon
n huggles of course
Char

Jackie D’Lair
Jackie D’Lair (@jacqueline1965)
9 months ago

Great article Carly. My goal when I go out and about is not necessarily to “pass” but to look as good as I can and presentable as a female would. I try to be my authentic self and exude confidence. I think most people know I am not a CIS female but that I am putting in the effort and am authentic. I have never had a negative reaction by operating this way. It has served me well.

Julie
Julie (@venusrising)
9 months ago

That was lovely Carly! I relate to this entirely and am SO OBSESSED with the idea of passing which gives me no end of stress and anxiety. I think, “What is about me that I think is failing to pass, my face, my height, my voice or something else?”, and, like you, my anxieties and social awkwardness that the fear of passing produces, becomes the thing that most people notice, which, in turn, add to the anxieties like a vicious circle. So thank you for article. It’s reassuring to hear about your experiences and feelings and makes me realise that… Read more »

Dennis Herdina
Dennis Herdina (@jinianvictoria2)
9 months ago

To begin i joined this site as male now live as female. Carly. Referencing your comment…SPOT ON! i am 72. I long ago determined that *passing* was not so much others perceptions but more WHAT I THOUGHT passing was. In that sense once i found that I was liberated. Bear with me here. Passing in the bad old days was always in how others saw us and what they thought a female should be and how to look and dress. This imposed on many a spectrum we most likely could not meet for whatever reason. For example to not wear… Read more »

Kim Dahlenbergen
Member
Kim Dahlenbergen (@kdahlenbergen)
9 months ago

Carly, thanks for the observations. As a similarly mature transgender person, I probably harbor many of the same insecurities as any from the pre-internet era. And I do think it is constructive to look at one’s presentation as a means of self expression, constructive self criticism and an avenue for personal growth. I should also add that my ideal would be to pass when I am in public, but my goal is to blend in comfortably. For me, that means having myself together in terms of my outfit, make up and demeanor. I expect to be read, but I hope… Read more »

Dawn J
Member
Member
Dawn J (@beachgirl)
9 months ago

What a wonderful article, Carly! You really nailed it.

Dawn

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