Who am I?
The other day I got up to go to work, hopefully, to finish up a job and get paid. I had just a small piece of trim to be installed, so I got dressed in skinny jeans, a very pretty blouse, and 2-inch heeled booties with the intention to change my shoes, but since I wear this kind of shoe a lot since I have been a woman, I just went on and worked in the heels, never giving it a second thought. I ended up doing more work than I had imagined and finished four hours later and able to leave.
Later that day I went shopping, that is why I dressed nice for work in the first place, I know your thinking, so what! I try to make an extra effort to dress up, more so when I go to work. Well I don’t work in an office or a store, I am a Carpenter and remodeling contractor, so my job is not the cleanest profession.
I said to myself later when I was out shopping, thinking it was the hormones or just the new mindset that I have living as my true-self/true-life? Being the person I have shared my life with, would he ever have dressed as nice go to work and finish a job. Granted, I would not go looking like a slob, but there are a few times like drywalling, demo, and framing when I didn’t look my best, or think much about how I looked or presented myself. I was working, and that’s what most people thought when they saw me, or when I saw myself.
Since I came out and started my new life, I try to make sure I look clean and nice before I leave the house. Like, my hair and my makeup is done — wow that sounds so weired to hear me say out-aloud — Doing my makeup? Can you imagine what it feels like to say that, or to stand in front of a mirror putting on eye-shadow and mascara and saying — why did it take so long to get here?
I think it was the time in which I was born in the ’60s, or was it? I’m not really sure of exactly what I have been feeling inside of me for a lifetime? Not understanding why I was never happy with myself, but, happy most of the time in the life with my wife and family that appeared to work for most of that time. The big problem is, I was not happy with Me, myself, him, or Timothy. I tried many different things and ways to fix Me, yes fix Me. That feels like a bad way to look at it. I underwent therapy, but unfortunately, I became addicted to pain meds and even tried to kill myself, but failed. For a long time I kept on thinking that life would be so much easier for the people around me, if I was just gone, dead, there would be no more pain and it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
On the second attempt on a Christmas Eve, I grabbed a long screwdriver and put it to my chest, telling myself it would be fast and all that pain would be gone. I fell to the ground holding the tool to my chest and crying, when all of a sudden I saw the phone number for the Trevor Project written on the edge of my wooden toolbox, yes on my toolbox. My therapist suggested that I put the number somewhere I would have it on hand if I ever needed it, so I wrote it in big black numbers on the top edge of the toolbox, always close by. I was glad to have it there at that moment in time, it saved my life!
A month or so had gone by, but I was still having problems with my wife and feeling alone, not sure if I had made the right decision with my life. I now know that I have never been happier in my life with Me before.
This is what my life is like right now, living my life as a transgender woman / woman, since women come in all different sizes, shapes, and ages. I didn’t really know what it meant to be a woman, since I wasn’t born with the right body, but I do think I was born with a female brain. Otherwise, how would I be able to feel so right now? Or was I stupid to give up a marriage, giving up the woman and love of my life for the past 40 years and hurt my family and friends? Don’t get me wrong, you will have to give up things in your life; I have learned that what I am gaining is worth every monument of the self-esteem and happiness that I’m feeling today. I am lucky that I have a family that is very understanding and an ex-wife that is getting past the anger and understanding. I am a happier person and working together on a new relationship to allow us to move forward in understanding.
So, back to the original question, Who am I? I am a woman who has started late in life, like a little girl learning how to wear a bra, fixing my hair, doing my makeup, and finding a style that looks good on me. Learning that you can walk in heels and not look ridiculous and loving heels and how they make your calves look good. I going to tell you from my perspective, that if you think putting on dress and makeup makes you transgender you are so wrong; I hope when you make this decision to come out, you know that this a journey that is wonderful and scary all at the same time. I find myself thinking differently about life and how life is worth living, sharing, and being happy in this new life. I wish to share this with you so that it may help others do the same.
with hope and love
Timmie
More Articles by Timmie Sawyer
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Timmie Sawyer
Latest posts by Timmie Sawyer (see all)
- The Life of an Older Trans Woman - July 10, 2021
- Where am I at? - May 11, 2021
- Who am I ? - April 5, 2021
I want to start off by saying hi to everyone here I’ve read a lot of your stories, you have all have given me hope for what lies ahead, I’m 31 and the last few months have be really hard for me, I’ve come to terms that I can’t keep my true self locked away any longer. I can’t even remember the last time I was happy or even smiled. But once again thank you all for giving me hope for the future as I begin this long road of becoming the person I was always ment to
You gals r wonderful. Just wish I was in a position to come out to family.
Timmie. I must say thank you, as another 60’s child who accepted my true self later in life, it is a true pleasure to hear a similar story to my own. I can relate to your struggles and triumphs. Nothing feels better now that putting on my makeup and feeling right in my soon to be changing body.
Once again Thank you with all my heart for sharing and letting another old (new) lady that I am on the right path and not alone.
Hugs, Winter
Timmie, thank you for sharing your story. I just made 64 and trying to figure out who am I as well. Many years of hiding. Wishing the feelings would go away; wouldn’t that be easier? But they don’t. So I struggle day by day. Finding a good local therapist is my goal this year, to help figure it all out.
Peace and Love,
Jaiymelynne
Loved the article Timmie. So nice of you to share. Stay safe. Hugs ❤️🌹❤️
Hi Timmie 💕 I’ve been asked to write an article about me coming out to the world. But after reading your story it feels like it’s gonna be an almost copy of yours, lol. There are some parts we don’t share though. I’m 63, on March 12 2021 I came out to the world. I didn’t have to leave my marriage, we’re divorced since 12yrs, so since she don’t accept I’m trans, I’ve told her that I want to see her again. Don’t pity me for that, it feels kinda good. Shoulda’ve made it a long time ago. I have… Read more »
Hi Timmie , thank you for letting us in and sharing your experiences , i enjoyed reading this post . i felt a little emotional reading about your experience with suicide attempts. we are blessed to have you here , from the time i have known you your an inspiration and a wonderful woman. i smiled when i read that part just putting on a dress and make up makes someone transgender because i agree with you that it doesn’t , i smiled because i was having a very similar conversation regarding that to my mother recently . thanks Timmie… Read more »
Master electrician, master plumber. currently working happily as an industrial custodian…I have publicly acknowledged TG and this has brought me great peace. To me, the definition of TG is the key. Hang in there!
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Loved reading about your thoughts and experiences. You are such a courageous, Sovereign and Free Being. Giving the finger to the enslavers, and making your own choices (about gender) is just the beginning of remembering the Creators that we are. I too am in my 60s, and have been stepping out in more and more femme’ attire. Will be heading out tomorrow with a wig under a femme cap, pierced ears, and a femme top over padded bra. Hopefully my magnetic lashes and press-on nails will arrive in the mail, and I’ll don them also. Soooo excited! Like you –… Read more »
Loved the article, T immie. And I agree with you 110 %…it is a wonderful and scary adventure. I think that, just like classic adventure stories, there is an element of fear, sometimes intense fear, while traveling into the unknown. “…You never know what you’re going to get." Still, the gains to be had living a genuine life without deceit, dishonesty and secrets is so liberating. Like you, I am a woman who started learning late in life. And the joy I have gained far outweighs the losses and hardships. I can not imagine, even for a moment, going back… Read more »
Very nice article got alot from it I’m 38 going to start translation need advice
thank you so much for this article. I am also a woman starting a little later in life and have been going through some of the same emotions as my marriage is ending after 17 years.
Hi Tim … Ironically I was named Tim at birth, dropped the m and tossed in an “A" and Tia I became. I am also a finish carpenter so I can relate as I restore historical sites for a tri-state area # Ohio, Michigan, and Indiana. I am also going to be 60 in June but we only differ in that I am currently in post-op for lower GRS surgery. (I did it in my downtime from work). LOL We are so much alike and I thank you for writing what I couldn’t as my penmanship just SUX. Huggz Tia
Mikayla,I can relate.Married my High school sweetheart we were together 21 yrs, married for 17,have two sons.When we were dating in highschool she used to dress me up,in her clothes,just goofing around,and she didn’t think much about it,"I loved it".I knew around the 3rd grade that I wished I was a girl,but in the 70’s I had no clue what this is called,and why I felt this way.Growing up in a Southern Baptist home,the only thing I knew for certain was ,I was sinning against God!Thank goodness I have two older sisters,so I cross dressed my entire childhood,in their clothes… Read more »