This is my second attempt at writing this, but my first was consumed by technology – I think I must be a Luddite.
It’s now been 6 plus years since I started to crossdress again. 6 years of exploring who I am and who I want to be. 6 years of finally figuring out that I am a little bit of both my personas. A little bit April, a little bit Bill. My dressing desires come and go – often. There was a period of time when I thought for sure I was going to transition. Then I didn’t. Then I did again. Now, not so much. But I am learning to live with those feelings and learning that having different desires at different times is normal – at least for me.
This dressing thing, for those of us who have finally realized that we have both personas, can pose a bit of a conundrum. I’m of an age, and financially secure enough, that I don’t have to worry about losing my job, and my wife is at least accepting of my dressing, so I can pretty much dress when I want, within reason, but I still choose to live the vast majority of my life as male. Why?
Because while being April is an “experience”, being Bill is “easy”. No work needed. And while it can be boring for the most part, it’s a known quantity. Bill is safe. Bill is normal. No hassle, no worries. And at 65 becoming April (at least to an extent that I find satisfying) is more work than ever. Gravity is a harsh mistress. At least 2-3 hours of work to be “acceptable” to my eyes.
Once I’m dressed I rarely want it to end, but end it eventually does, and then inertia sets in and my male self has a tendency to hang on.
I so wished I had dressed more when I was young. I had such a wonderful face for dressing. Slight, angular, and rather feminine, if I do say so myself. And I was so thin. But alas, by my early 20s I was married with children, and I concentrated on other things. Don’t get me wrong – I love my children, and they happen to be the best thing I have done with my life to this point. Yet, perhaps I could have enjoyed my life more if I had only taken the time to see and express my feminine side. At least on occasion.
Because April takes chances and goes places that I never did as my male self, opening myself up to many new experiences, both good and bad, but at least I have the experiences and I live life. Ironically, many of the doors I opened as April are now opened to Bill too, and I have become at least a bit more adventurous and open to the new, no matter how I am dressed.
I’m not sure what it is exactly about dressing that brings out the adventurous side in me; maybe it’s the fact that I feel like a different person, or maybe it’s just the fact that once I have gotten past the fear of being outed nothing else seems nearly as frightening. Whatever the case, I’m open to a whole lot more when I’m out and about as April.
So ………after 6 years of re-exploring I’m still not sure where the journey will eventually take me, but I’m going to try to keep on listening to my inner voice, staying brave enough to take some chances, and hopefully, let it take me where I need to go.
Take care ladies.