Spring is in the air…

Or is it?

Looking out my Iowa window, I see a group of Robins pecking through snow to find something to eat. This time last year, I was playing my first round of golf. I hope April Fools this year isn’t one for the ages. Every day I am reminded of where I no longer fit in. Sadly, most of those who matter to me don’t have a clue. I’m not talking about immediate family (my father has no clue, and my daughters can only speculate,) but the friends and acquaintances that I put up a front for.

En Femme Style

It’s a matter of perspective; mine and theirs. Last night, I bowled with my team. I had on my pretty panties and if they got close enough, they might have caught a slight whiff of lingering perfume under the cover of my male cologne. On closer observation, they might even wonder why my eyebrows are so neatly cultivated compared to most others, or that I’m one of the few (midwestern bowlers) who are cleanly shaven and don’t wear a ball cap or baggy-butt jeans. Mine is a woman’s brand that at least tries to give me the appearance of having a rear end.

What would they think if they knew that only that morning, I was fully immersed in who I believe I really am? Of the group that I golf with and bowl with, I’m guessing one, maybe two would keep me as a friend and only one that would be seen with Brina (he’d even love it I could tee off from the lady’s tee in our best shot tournaments.) The other team I bowl on is a mixed team with three women, all of whom would support me, and one who just lost her wife to cancer. Is it my perspective, or theirs, that is truer? Would someone disappoint me, and another surprise me?

In every situation, we are guided by our personal beliefs, and how we perceive others will react. It would be safe to say that the majority of the time we are correct in both, but still have those exceptions—some more sad and others genuinely positive in the outcome versus expectations. If I take fear out of the equation, then I must judge potential consequences solely on perspective and experience. The expected reaction to the unexpected. As much as I’d love to rant about politics, I don’t need to. We all feel it and know that it’s broken; with no hope (soon) of getting fixed. Common sense has become a blurred happenstance rather than a purveyor of accommodation. In a world where we are supposed to be getting smarter, it feels as if we are becoming much dumber instead. It would be easy to blame technology, and it deserves its share of the blame. Not that there aren’t good people, families, and citizens, but those with the loudest voices seem to have the least amount of common sense.

Perspective… Is it just me that sees this or is it true to all who can take notice? Those who we elect to guide us, are they a reflection of our support, or did they morph into something else? What drives them? Who is it that wears the rose-colored glasses? I’m way past the glass is half-full or half-empty. I’m not even one of those who says, “At least I have a glass,” or “As long as it doesn’t have a hole in it.” Truthful perception has been severely skewed by those who exhibit the most agitation… until… they become one of those they condemn. What would those who attempt to control do when those they seek to limit become the loudest voice? I’m of course talking about the silent majority where common sense, manners, and understanding mostly still reside.

Out of work would be the answer. If the majority ever truly stood up and spoke, their lines forming for miles behind them, our leaders would back down and fade away. Please, by all means, Google away for yourselves. The US population as of 2021 is roughly 332 million 59% White-non-Hispanic. Latino-Hispanic make up 18.9% and Black 12.6% (both slightly up from 2010). Does the percentage surprise you? In the same token, those who now state they identify with LGBTQ are currently at 7.1% and that doesn’t include us Crossdressers… hmmm. Which group do you think had the biggest increase over the last 11 years? What if the choice were simply, “Traditional Male (identifies as male, sexual orientation towards traditional female)” “Traditional Female (Identifies as female, sexual orientation to traditional males)” and “Other (identifies as a version of either female or male, sexual orientation is open)” my how the numbers might explode and tell the real story. Truthfully, I think both assessments should be scrapped and put into the “Who cares and why should it matter” garbage bin.

All rights, all benefits, should foremost be constructed to individual rights as humans, secondly for being a citizen of the US.  Anyone who is within our borders deserves a certain level of dignity and respect, but that doesn’t guarantee you American benefits. Becoming an American has meaning, as does and should it be being an Iowan, Mississippian, Californian, or other. Next comes the communities and then anything smaller. An application for work will list the criteria and nothing more. Must be able to lift 50#s, be certified in accounting, have previous experience in catering, etc. Age, sex, orientation, race, etc. shouldn’t matter. Maybe all applications should be assigned an anonymous number and then processed based on matching work criterion with experience. Imagine if we elected all our officials and politicians this way… (***This is true if I were a citizen outside of the US. The world should recognize individual human rights first.)

Perspective: how the world could work instead of how it does, and why we’ll never be able to change it. The American heritage has always been in finding their excellence at achieving that which couldn’t, allowing for the individual to rise up, and for enabling freedom for all. Is it still? Has it turned into I deserve, and you don’t. It starts at the top in every aspect and in every manner in which they try to claim and preserve power. They play on ignorance and fear, propagate falsehoods, and outright lie for their own benefit. It’s not just Americans, it’s happening everywhere.

Quote by Abraham Lincoln: “Every man’s happiness is his own responsibility.” Has a saying ever morphed into a more disingenuous meaning? Some take it to mean that I should do what makes me happy regardless of how it affects another. Today, the mantra is: “Only you are responsible for your own happiness.” I’m sorry, but those people never met my ex-wife. She literally sucked happiness out of the room the moment she walked in. My daughters would both attest to this. How does one choose to be happy in that situation? Can they? I could speculate on how it might have gone, and all I see are worse consequences for everyone. Leave… I get it, the most common answer, but what about the aftermath done to family, money issues, etc? How do you weigh the choice? See what I mean? You might think that I am a pessimist, but in reality, I’m an optimistic realist. (Happy to have a glass and happy to put most anything, mostly nutritious in it.) Leaving her didn’t instantly make me happy. I seriously tried to do and be everything that I thought would make her happy, that was my worst mistake, as I believe that what the phrase really means is that you can’t make someone happy who doesn’t want happiness, but you can surely make them miserable.

My perspective, when closely looking at this crossdressing lifestyle, even while trying to determine exactly what I am if more; I once thought I was broken and unworthy of love or understanding. I still am scarred by the detrimental effects it had on my first marriage and other, or lack of current, relationships. In the tradeoff, I’ve found an aspect of me that I’m at peace with, admire, am surprised by, and now fully accept. I don’t know what my future will hold or how others will perceive me, but I will live it with the glass full of wine or a tasty craft beer, never to run empty for long.

Until next time… see yourself in the best possible light, learn to be kinder to yourself, and you will find kindness to others and from others easier to give an accept. Allow your perspective to grow and see beyond the reflection in the mirror.




More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish

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I've been on this path for nearly 50 years, beginning at age 7 when I wore my grandma's old dresses with my cousins. It felt natural. Later, I went through the fetish stage and fought with my insides. After my divorce 20 years ago, I let Brina out only to bury her away during another relationship. Now I accept that she is more who I really am and live my life in the hopes that my path will one of future happiness. Over the last 6 years, I've found out more about who I am, the path that I'm on, and what it means to be transgendered. I've also been much happier since I acknowledged and accepted myself for who I am. I'm still much in the closet as responsibilities take precedence. It doesn't help being an introvert by nature, but I will gracefully walk (mostly, ok, not so gracefully) this path as I become a better me.

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Toni Floria
Active Member
Toni Floria(@mustangtoni)
1 year ago

I so identify with you Lady Chiffon and appreciate your insight s mis Sabrina

Kacey Smith
Kacey Smith(@kaceybythesea)
1 year ago

I enjoyed your well written article. I agree, the politicians are horrible right now, especially here in Florida. I don’t believe that we’re all doomed but at the moment, it’s not good. There was a time not long ago that African Americans couldn’t even eat at most restaurants. I know a man that used to deliver linens here locally when he was young. He won’t eat at a certain restaurant to this day. He told me his story of the owner not letting him try a burger out of the back door (it was a whites only drive in). Just… Read more »

1 year ago

Hello Brina, I really enjoyed your article. I have been a crossdresser most of my life. By wanting to explore my feminine side it has destroyed 4 marriages along with name calling and abuse. My last marriage of 25 plus years was brought to an end when my darling lady suffered a massive heart attack. My Lady accepted my crossdressing to a point but never objected when my enfem self Lady Chiffon wanted to come out of the closet. Now being a widower I become my feminine side more often and love every moment. I dream of doing yard work… Read more »

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