When did you start to suspect you needed to transition

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  Patricia Allen 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #828

    Vanessa Law
    Managing Ambassador

    Hey folks,

    I’m curious when you began to suspect that there was more to the gender journey than a fascination with clothes of the opposite gender. That perhaps transition was something in your future?

    For myself, I remember going to sleep when I was young wishing, praying, hoping to wake up in the right body. Night after night after night. Somewhere along the way I forgot this, and thought it was just a phase, or just a fascination. It wasn’t until many many years later that I was able to remember who I was.

    When did you first suspect?

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  • #3826
     Patricia Allen 
    Participant

    FREE

    I told my wife about the clothes and she was ok if I did it when no one was in. She said if it was any more my marriage would be over.

    Over the years, I’ve had many such ultimatums from my wife.  Little by little she has accepted more of my feminine nature.  I think it’s payback for my efforts in becoming a good husband.   I’m not whipped, but I am attentive.  Do your best to be the husband she needs and she’ll, more than likely, learn to accept more and more of your trans nature.  (I think it’s a matter of fear she’ll loose you to the feminine side and end up alone.)  Don’t expect a dramatic turnaround, but an incremental, step by step acceptance.

    That’s how my wife went from just where you wife is to being OK with me on HRT.  Any surgery is still up in the air.

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  • #3808
     Tara 
    Participant

    SILVER

    For me, I knew at a really young age. As a child, I was always friends with other little girls and didn’t really care for boy stuff. My parents and older brothers often chastised me for “acting gay.” One of my aunts (not knowing that I really wanted to be a girl) once told me that if I could kiss my elbow, I would magically turn into a girl.  I probably nearly broke my arm/neck on several occasions trying to do so.

    I had plans when I was 17 to run away and change my identity and live the rest of my life as a girl. But “love” got in the way… that and twisted religious views. What I wouldn’t give to go back and change it all now and live as a girl from a young age. If only time travel were possible.

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    • #3819
       Danielle Fox 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Amen Tara! Set

      the go back machine for 30 years ago and I just left the USAF and that would have been perfect for me. Even 20 years ago then it would be me who leaves the marriage, lol! Hugs and love💋👠

      Danielle

  • #3635
     Stephanie Rigoni 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Well there’s a lot of honest and hard feelings in this thread—and that’s good. But I’ll lighten it up a bit with a sweet but true personal anecdote. When I was a child I would take bubble baths. I used to push all the bubbles to one side of the tub and sit on the other. I’d pretend once the bubbles touched me I’d become a girl. I always made certain they did. That’s probably when I knew.

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    • #3774
       Vanessa Law 
      Managing Ambassador

      SILVER

      Oh I love this dear!

  • #3029
     Danielle Fox 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Hello Vanessa,

    I always got along better with the girls than with the guys. I played sports and climbed trees, rope swings, dirt bikes and some of the other things a teen does. I didn’t date often, just enough to be a guy. But something was so different between myself and the guys. I didn’t feel that I belonged. I just didn’t fit in no matter how much I tried I was just not one of the guys. 4 year letterman in HS for football and track, I was a center in football and threw the javelin and shot put in track. I was not a big body but not small either. I had quick feet, a good stance and a good arm. But no matter what, I still preferred to be around the girls and, almost all of the girls in my class were friends with me. My experience with sex was quite limited because when I did date it was more as friends than for making out. I loved to dance and admired the dresses and shoes the girls wore to the big HS dances. But as sometimes happens I had to get married when I was young. Then all thoughts of dresses and being with the girls had to stop so I could raise a family. Many years later and marriage #3 I am very lucky to have an accepting and supporting wife. I am able to wear lingerie around her and I love her so much. Lately my thoughts have been very intense when I remember HS and my girl friends and wishing I could have been born a girl. I realize that before my first marriage I would have seriously considered transitioning to a woman rather go on as a guy. But that was not how things were in the 70s. A guy was a guy and a girl was a girl and a guy who wore girls things had a mental problem. But now………. If I were 20 or 30 years younger and it was this day and age – absolutely I want to transition! Life has taken a toll on my body, mind, and spirit. I don’t think I could survive the rigors of transitioning. I am happy being able to dress as a woman and even let my hair down, so to speak, and feel like a woman around my wife. I will find a counselor to help me and to really determine if I am transgender. Just knowing will put my mind at ease. Knowing that for my whole life I have not been crazy I was just born the wrong gender will allow me to be at ease with myself as I am now. No worries and life has some strange ways of working out. I actually believe that I am a lesbian at heart because I love being with the girls and being “with” the girls😁. TTFN💋👠

    Danielle

     

    <hr />

    Hey

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  • #2542
     Ginnie Gidlund 
    Participant

    FREE

    bout 5 years before the real transition. I had a terrible night when I had terrible dreams for about 3/4 hour and cried 1/4 and then it came back the same again.In the mrning I went to the acute meical station here and told about the terrible dreams. I really thought this was because stree in the job, but the doc gave me internet adresses to the TS organisations here in weden after a shoert time I tried to go back to the job, but that did not work so my employer sent me to a spyc doctor and he sent me home and that kept me off my job for about 5 months. Slowly I decided to lollow the first advice. After some time I found that there was possibly some truth in the first diagnoseA,d after about four month I got the psy doc to refere me o a TS/TG specialist. I send my paper but nothing was heard from the hospital.After two months or so I got a mesage that tole that on doctor that had helped TSTG persons earlier, bud he would return from his reriement to help me. By now it had passed 2 years since I firs had some ideas of what was to happen. And then Ll went along the standards of care from WPATH. Just a mall problem with the op that forced me to stay 2 weeks in the hospital instead of the 8 syas that ws normal.
    Ginnie

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  • #2514
     Anonymous

    What Jenn said is so true. My mother feminized me between four and six and I loved it from that first moment she put lipstick on my lips. She was also crossdressing my biological father. However it alienated my grandfather. And the other men in my family so she dad split I manned up. Then she married a sexual predator who raped me and my brother for seven years. This cemented the dislike of men I have had since and fueled a spate of fully dressing in my mother’s clothes and makeup from fourteen to sixteen when my brother caught me and outed me. This was the early seventies and the reaction was counseling which I barely managed to sidestep by suddenly amping the man juice by taking advanced SCUBA training and various dangerously manly pursuits which turned it into experimental behavior only, yeah right. High school social pressure kept the man juice going into my twenties and I married and worked high pay dangerous construction and demolition projects but as that marriage ended because she said I was to feminine my dressing cane back. But as I lived in a tiny rural town as a single dad it HAD to stay hidden. Then I met the woman I am in love with. She had had a lesbian relationship and is attracted to my softer side. But now that I have shed the male mask and want to physically feminize I am fearful of her reaction.

    god I apologize for going on and on. Like I said truly the floodgates are open in my heart

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    • #3815
       Tara 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Maria! You are such an amazing woman. Your story is much like many of us who have suppressed our true selves and emerged ourselves in hypermasculinity to try to hide (military career for me). In the end, I think we all still have to face the truth that we can’t hide or run from our true self. I’m so happy for you that you have someone in your life who’s accepting and loving.

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    • #3817
       Anonymous

      Bless you my dear Tara your kind words humble me.

      💋💗

  • #2280
     ‘Eave 
    Participant

    FREE

    When did I know? I would say sometime between 6 and 8. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have both. I have always wanted to be both since the first time I can remember sing a person of the opposite sex nude. I think I even asked my mother and her reply was there are differences between girls and boys. I wondered why, may have even asked why but I never got an answer that I could believe in. So, when mom was away, I played with her makeup and clothes.

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  • #2234
     Vanessa Law 
    Managing Ambassador

    SILVER

    Hi Venessa… I think I knew since I was young that something just wasn’t right, I really didn’t know what it was but I just never really got along with the boys and their interests just didn’t interest me. As I got older I stuck around the house and Mom taught me how to cook,bake and everything else. This really did nothing for the father son bonding and was told over and over by him that I had to “act like a man and stop acting like a sissy”. I prayed every night that God would fix me and make me normal. I tried so hard to be the man my father wanted, I ended up getting married and having two wonderful boys but that ache was still there no matter what I did.

    It wasn’t till we got internet that i learned about Transgender but when ever I did a search 99% of the time would come back with porn and I knew that wasn’t me. When I turned 50 is when I had enough,my deepening depression caused the marriage to break up and I had ended up in the hospital a few times,it wasn’t till my Doctor told me that what ever I was running from I had better turn and face it is going to kill you.I sought counselling and with the counselor’s help I started my transition at 54 years of age. Most Everybody has been really good my Boys and good friends just told me that they knew and were glad that I am becoming my authentic self, which is pretty awesome.

    So if anybody says they are to old to transition I say you are never to old to be you!

    Love I am so glad you found your authentic self <3 <3

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  • #1046
     Alana Wood 
    Participant

    FREE

    I am really struggling with this. What started as a bit of a sexual fetish if I am honest now has changed and I’m in a nightmare of a place. I am 40 , married and have 2 young children but I now know that I want to transition. I told my wife about the clothes and she was ok if I did it when no one was in. She said if it was any more my marriage would be over. I’m now struggling to deal with everything . Hope everyone else is ok too xx

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    • #1075
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Alana, reaching out is a good step in helping deal with the struggle.  In retrospect I wish I had sought professional counseling when I reached your current state.  I’d be happy to talk to you about it.
      Hugs, Cloe

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  • #919
     Jaime P. 
    Participant

    FREE

    When I forced myself to be honest about who I was, I felt that wearing women’s clothes was a start and not a destination.  When I allowed myself to behave naturally, it was in a feminine way.  Before transitioning, I would always have to act like a man.  Now, I never question that anything that I do is not feminine.  Right now, I am on HRT.  I am looking forward to getting surgery.

     

    Also, it is never too late.  I started in my 40’s.  There is always a way.  I am in support group where people started transitioning later than I did.  Each one of them are happy that they did.

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    • #1073
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Jamie, I’m at that point of being on HRT for 6 months and with divorce about complete am finding it very hard to stop thoughts of bottom surgery.  It’s been half a lifetime since I first knew I needed to do this and finally doing something about it.  Hope to keep touch with you on our journeys.

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  • #917
     Deborah Sim 
    Participant

    FREE

    Hi Venessa… I think I knew since I was young that something just wasn’t right, I really didn’t know what it was but I just never really got along with the boys and their interests just didn’t interest me. As I got older I stuck around the house and Mom taught me how to cook,bake and everything else. This really did nothing for the father son bonding and was told over and over by him that I had to “act  like a man and stop acting like a sissy”. I prayed every night that God would fix me and make me normal. I tried so hard to be the man my father wanted, I ended up getting married and having two wonderful boys but that ache was still there no matter what I did.

    It wasn’t till we got internet that i learned about Transgender but when ever I did a search 99% of the time would come back with porn and I knew that wasn’t me. When I turned 50 is when I had enough,my deepening depression caused the marriage to break up and I had ended up in the hospital a few times,it wasn’t till my Doctor told me that what ever I was running from I had better turn and face it is going to kill you.I sought counselling and with the counselor’s help I started my transition at 54 years of age. Most Everybody  has been really good my Boys and good friends just told me that they knew and were glad that I am becoming my authentic self, which is pretty awesome.

    So if anybody says they are to old to transition I say you are never to old to be you!

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    • #1070
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Deborah, I’m happy you were able to live your authentic life.  I met a girl last night who had FFS after 70 and GRS at 75.  She was there with her wife of 51 yrs.  It’s never too late.

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  • #893
     Kerin Kelley 
    Participant

    FREE

    I think I new all along but for a million reasons chose to push these thoughts and feelings aside. I never really fit in with other boys or had common interests with them. As I got older the guys I was around would see a pretty girl and talk about how much they wanted to be with her. I played along but what I remember thinking is that I wanted very much to BE her and felt jealous of girls that they got to be who they were. I eventually conformed and married and had 3 beautiful daughters which I love but it was hard to see them grow into women like I dtsti feel I should have. I have secretly cross dressed most of my life but never feel “right” as me. Sorry for rambling and the fact that I’m not a very good writer. I am hoping to get to know some of you that have had similar experiences and see how you coped. Thanks Vanessa for the site and opportunity to get this out to

     

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    • #1068
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Kerin, my coping was done through wearing things underneath my drab clothes.  For 25 yrs, while rassing my family,  that sustained me.  I found I could limit it to a few panties and pantyhose.  The hose purged themselves and the panties were easy enough to hide.

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  • #888
     Dame Veronica Graunwolf 
    Ambassador

    AMBASSADOR

    Me…..in my mid 30’s.  Never got around to it….now too old.

    Dame Veronica

    Dame Veronica Graunwolf

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  • #849
     Dame Veronica Graunwolf 
    Ambassador

    AMBASSADOR

    Jennifer….hi sweetie!  It is never too late to go for your dream. Do the research into what is required and what you will go thru….it is expensive, painful and takes quite a while to complete. You want to be sure your body/mind can take this change and physical condition and age can have a huge impact upon whether or not this route can be taken. There are many tales about those who delayed such decisions and now live with the regret of could have, should have and so on. The decision can be very damaging to family life and to friends as well. This is not to be taken lightly….once done there is no going back. Do contact your local LGBT organization and talk to as many of them as is possible before making a decision. The more info….the better.

    I am here for you if you wish to chat more about this….my door is always open.

    Dame Veronica

    Dame Veronica Graunwolf

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  • #847
     Jennifer James 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Hi Vanessa…I think I knew that there was something more than a an infatuation with women’s clothing when I was in college. I admired girls but wanted to be like them.  I wanted to look like them.  Then of course I went through stages of wrestling with the way I was born and who I wanted to be. My experience was similar to yours. I wished that someone would invent a pill that I could take and wake up in a new body.  Now I am older and dearly want to transition.  I can’t express how much I wish I would have done it earlier in my life.

    Jennifer

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    • #2477
       Jennifer Phillips 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Hi Jennifer

      Unfortunately for most of us here, had we sought help at an earlier age we would have been subjected to horrendous ridicule, turned over to a psychologist for horrible mental manipulation or torture. There are so many resources for teens today that didn’t exist in our day. So there is no wonder that there are so many of us of our age trying to deal at a late point in our life. So don’t regret not starting earlier, it’s just happenstance that we were born when we were. If we hid it probably ended up being a life saver for us then. Thank God those days are going away and now we all have resources even though the path might be a little different.

      Jenn

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