When did you start to suspect you needed to transition

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    • #99734

      !2 or!13.I think.I remember reading a book about a man who gay and was sent to prison in Mexico.

      It was about how He was used by the other prisoners .

      I always wanted to be Him.

      I understand at least a bit, i remember in one of my worst moments how I thought that at least in prison I would be someone’s wife/girlfriend and would be given hormones but then I thought that there is no way I could do anything bad enough to be sent to prison, I just don’t have it in me……….,sigh

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    • #99723

      !2 or!13.I think.I remember reading a book about a man who gay and was sent to prison in Mexico.

      It was about how He was used by the other prisoners .

      I always wanted to be Him.

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    • #99585

      I started dressing in pantyhose, heels, bras and panties at age 11. Prior to that there was a feminine side that existed but it would remain dormant until it could nurtured and fully blossom but would not blossom. Unfortunately for me the circumstances would not be aligned until I left the navy where I could freely and unashamedly become my true self. Although I am late to the transition party at 46, I met with a therapist for the first time yesterday and now am looking forward to starting my journey to something beautiful.

      I am soo thrilled for you ma’am!!

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    • #99582

      I started dressing in pantyhose, heels, bras and panties at age 11. Prior to that there was a feminine side that existed but it would remain dormant until it could nurtured and fully blossom but would not blossom. Unfortunately for me the circumstances would not be aligned until I left the navy where I could freely and unashamedly become my true self. Although I am late to the transition party at 46, I met with a therapist for the first time yesterday and now am looking forward to starting my journey to something beautiful.

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    • #95619

      Hey folks,

      I’m curious when you began to suspect that there was more to the gender journey than a fascination with clothes of the opposite gender. That perhaps transition was something in your future?

      For myself, I remember going to sleep when I was young wishing, praying, hoping to wake up in the right body. Night after night after night. Somewhere along the way I forgot this, and thought it was just a phase, or just a fascination. It wasn’t until many many years later that I was able to remember who I was.

      When did you first suspect?

      When I was 10

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    • #95396

      Hey folks,

      I’m curious when you began to suspect that there was more to the gender journey than a fascination with clothes of the opposite gender. That perhaps transition was something in your future?

      For myself, I remember going to sleep when I was young wishing, praying, hoping to wake up in the right body. Night after night after night. Somewhere along the way I forgot this, and thought it was just a phase, or just a fascination. It wasn’t until many many years later that I was able to remember who I was.

      When did you first suspect?

      I knew I was a girl when I was 6 years old and in first grade. I used to play with the girls in recess. I was picked on by boys that called me a sissy. I really wanted to play with the girls and not the boys.

      I used to pray to God that he would change me into a girl.  I want to be a girly girl.

      💕Nicole

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    • #95193
      Anonymous

      I’m curious when you began to suspect that there was more to the gender journey than a fascination with clothes of the opposite gender. That perhaps transition was something in your future?

      In my case, I never had the slightest interest in women’s clothes.

      For me, the fascination was the possibility of changing my physiology in some way. Not my clothes.

      However, I was aware of the limitations of medical science. I was also aware that transsexuals who were read as transsexuals could have a hard time in society and the workplace.

      For those reasons, I wrote off the idea of transitioning as no more than a fantasy.

      But changes to society emboldened me to consider the idea again.

      The political umbrella changed from GL to LGB, to LGBT and since I began the process in 2012, the acronym has exploded to include the entire alphabet.

      I started with medication – not through the “proper channels” initially – and it became clear to me that I wanted to make as many bodily changes in the “female direction” as practically possible.

      The social and legal side of things scared me a great deal, but I knew that I had to present as female publicly in order to qualify for GRS on the National Health Service.

      So I took the plunge. I had my GRS in the summer of 2016.

      I have zero regrets 🙂

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    • #94159

      I have always fought the urge to transition but when I was young my brothers and father would have harmed me and then I got married and had children. I wanted to wait till they grew up especially since my children and my spouse told me about 15 years ago that they would turn their backs on me when I transitioned. I became a teacher and used my maternal instincts to help my students. Before I knew it I got old.

      Sunday I was visiting my new granddaughter and I burst in to tears! My dysphoria has never been soo bad and my feelings of panic has become alarming!! You could Say February 14, 2021 I realized that I no longer could no longer postpone the inevitable, I will be giving up soo much but the best part of me is the dear lady inside of me can no longer be denied……… and I am terrified!

       

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      • #96221

        Oh Kimmi! Thinking of you and sending you love and hugs! Thanks for sharing! ❤️ Britt

        • #96226

          ((((((((((Hug❤️🤗)))))))))))) how wonderful to hear from you love!! Am hoping that you are having a day filled with sweet memories!

           

          Love,

          Kimmi

      • #95184

        <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi, you just described my situation to a tee, remarkable how similar our trans lives are. I haven’t worn makeup or femme clothes in 2 years, and still I’m starting HRT on Monday. I just have to live as my true gender, I’m 61, my kid is 21 and I’ve made the decision to do what I should have done 40 years ago. I’m in a swoon just thinking my lifelong dream will become a reality in 2 days, I just hope I have good results with no health complications.</p>

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    • #94155
      Cathy
      FREE

      When I was a teen, I had dreams that I was a girl. They scared me but I also liked them. I knew that I had to repress all those feelings, I could tell no one. That was in the 1970’s. In the 1980’s I started hearing stories of men who had gender changing operations and I was curious, but I married young and we started having children. My first wife would have never understood my thoughts about this so more repression. After my marriage ended in divorce, I started therapy and reading self help books. I also started meditation. I started to get in touch with myself and had some glimpses of my inner self. I met a wonderful woman and we married. Early in our marriage, I told her about my dreams when I was a teen and that I was starting to think that I should have been born a girl. She understood and we agreed that I would try some crossdressing. As our kids started to grow, all of our privacy ended in our house and my dressing was put on the back burner. The kids are finally grown and moved out. I started some deep introspection and was finally able to accept my true desires and my true self. I knew what I wanted for myself and who I really wanted to be.

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    • #94087
      Stacy Ann May
      CHAT CREW

      Just starting to come to terms with being transgender was a long, difficult road. There was a lot of confusion, a lot of denial, and more purges than I can count. Even the times when I resolved to try and accept it for good didn’t stick. I didn’t even really know what it meant to accept it. I had no real mental strategy except denial and repression for decades, so “accepting” it was almost entirely foreign to me. Around five years ago I started attending a local gender support group, but after a few months regressed and purged again.

      Anyway, about two and a half years ago two things happened in my life related to being transgender. I don’t really want to go into detail about them, because I’m not proud of myself. But they made me realize that I had completely walled off this section of my identity and compartmentalized it in an unhealthy way. I just wasn’t being honest with myself if I didn’t try to make another serious effort to accept it on a positive level rather than ineffectively confronting it with negative approaches and repressing it.

      So, I started researching online, found this site and another local support group, and have been working to mentally and socially transition.

    • #91677

      reading this thread it is amazing how similar the story begins for most of us – like age 4 which is what I was, But when I was 6 my parents got me for counseling and later therapists and it went from there. I didn’t know what it was called , I just knew how I felt and it was more than just cross dressing. So I guess I am one of the lucky ones that with therapists we eventually figured out what I was while I was still young. When I was 12 started me on blockers and later on hormones. I was never big as a boy and that helped. So once my hair got long enough I made the big jump. I was 15. It also helped that once they figured out what I was, my parents accepted it so I know I been super lucky, Not always easy, but I am so happy now after 3 years of being a girl. I just wish this virus would get over in time for schools to reopen and I can graduate with my friends.

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    • #91513

      My first memories were of thinking that my penis woukd soon begin to grow. I saw my brothers and just thought i would grow up to be like them. I often told my mother, preschòol, that i would marry her when i grew up.she even caught me shaving ,lathered up, sitting on the sink shaving with my fathers straight razor st the age of 3. I always just knew i was a boy. When i started school i insisted i was Wendell not Wendy. When puberty hitand i realized i wouldnt be growing a penis i fell into a deep depression. At 16 i met and fell in love with a woman 10 years my senior who exploited my love for her alternatively encouraging and discouraging me telling me i didnt have the right equipment when we got to close to an intimate encounter. Fortunately i survived a serious suicide attempt over that realization. I did determine that someday i would accomplish my dream of becoming a man. In those days,the 70s and early 80s FRS was vertually unheard of for females wanting to become males. I was easier to pass as the clothing was more forgiving. So i dressed like a man and became a butchy lesbian. At 27 met my wondrrful wife Colleen, who altjough she idendifies as a lesbian fully supports and loves me as a man. We have our own problems with the change ive made but are working together to kèep or love alive. We both hope to find others who share even part of our story. I especially hppe to meet other ftm people of any age to share experience strength and hope with.

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    • #91508

      <p style=”text-align: left;”>A few months ago, I started college again. My first major assignment was to write a persuasive argument essay. I chose to argue for transgene rights in a correctional facility. I don’t know why I chose this topic, or what made me think of it. This topic had me researching a world I knew nothing about. It brought up memories from my childhood, of always wanting to be a boy, dressing like a male, pretending to be a male from a young age. I even remembered sitting on the counter and “shaving” my face with my dad, when I was about 5 or 6. With all the resurfacing memories and feelings, I realized I wasn’t living my true life. It’s only been two weeks since I made this decision and it’s been stressful but I believe it’s the right choice.</p>

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    • #90935

      I started my journey about 10 years ago
      <p style=”text-align: left;”> But then I became my Mother’s caretaker.  That lasted for 8 years.During that time I would dress in the bathroom and fantasize  about being a woman.Over the years I studied many tutorials  to hone my craft at being a woman. The years past and I thought all that would come of it was crossdressing . I joined crossdressing  sites and then after time realized that was not the right route.I did more research which directed me to therapy.I had a wonderful therapist.  She did a exstensive search of my thoughts and dreams , my past to determine  if, indeed , that transitioning  was in my future.Lo and behold, she said I was transgender. That was one of the happiest days of my life.  I now had a direction.She got me set up with a doctor, a trans doctor. I have been on HRT for almost 6 months.It has been a dream and I see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel more feminine  every day. Then I came to this site which is a wonderful</p>
       

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    • #86980
      Rami Love
      FREE

      About 40 years ago I considered transition, thought about it took a look around and forgot about it. Other needs outweighed my need to present as a woman. Other basic needs outweighed my need to be a woman, sleep, nourishment, exercise, shelter, friendship and love and to be accepted for myself. Up until I answered this question I did not think I needed to transition and I am 4 months into HRT. Thinking about the question I realized that in order to be accepted for myself I need to be myself.

    • #83196
      SophieFR
      MANAGING EDITOR

      Vanessa, I have just read your opening text to this topic and quite amazed, that like yourself, I would also go to be bed at night with the hopes and thoughts that I may awake the following morning as a girl. I also had many dreams where I did become a girl. All of that appeared to fade into the background, possibly due to the fact that I always woke as a boy.

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    • #83139

      Hi Hon,

      You have gotten plenty of good advice here so far so I will keep it simple. Two Spirited individuals dating back to the American Indians were highly respected people and I would dare not make a diagnosis as to your “condition”, but I would strongly suggest a “Gender Therapist” who can help you to work thru your emotions and come to an understanding as to who you are.
      I am a transexual woman on HRT and now beginning surgery. I knew since I was a child but I stuck my female feelings deep inside and tried living as a guy for too long. I was miserable to keep it simple being a guy and I eventually crashed and burned. Alot has happened in my life in the last 3 years but the best thing I did for myself was to accept the fact that I am a woman. I now live and work as a female and cannot wait for the day that nothing about me is male any longer.

      Find a good Gender Therapist in your area, You will be so happy you did!!

    • #83119
      Aria Bash
      FREE

      Most of my life that I can remember, I’ve always been Bi-Gendered.  I felt like I could navigate between females and males since I had platonic relationships with both.

      My Mom taught all four of us kids to cook, clean, do dishes, straighten up the house, sew etc.  While my other two brothers seemed cool to most of it, I just took it on as normal.  I played with dolls, action figures, played doctor (ha ha), heck, I even used to love to crochet.

      But the bug really bit when I was around 30.  My wife and I was invited to a costume Halloween Party.  We couldn’t decide on what to wear when my wife came up with the idea of each of us to crossdress.

      I was REALLY nervous but went along.  We arrived at the party and within about 15 minutes I was comfortable and sort of felt very natural.

      But the real kicker was when I was 51.  I had a major heart attack and had a Quad heart bypass.  I had lost enough heart muscle that my doctor insisted I retire due to it.

      I always had bouts of depression, but after that I was really down.  Not that I would commit suicide but if I would of died, I figured no big loss..  My wife and doctor got very concerned and suggested therapy.  I was diagnosed with Bi-Genderism ( Two Spirit) by her.  That was a little over 5 yrs ago..

      Sorry to have rambled, but things are always complicated and I felt I could not just say , ” Well I was 51,.” and let it go at that.

       

      XO

      Aria

    • #80138

      I’ve known since I was about 5 yrs old, I’d go to bed crying wishing I would wake up as a girl. I started crossdressing at age 11. Would take my moms clothes, panties, bras would stuff the bras with sock. I would shave my legs when I could. Would paint my nails and where my moms makeup. As I got older I would buy my own stuff, only too purge after a short time, then the cycle would start all over. This went on through my teens and into my twenties. I dated girls, ended up getting married, but came out as a crossdresser to her while we were dating, she was fine with it actually she liked it. We had three kids together, she made me stop dressing, but I hid it from her, started chatting with men on line Craigslist, sent pics back and forth with quite a few men. I came out to her as transgender when my 2nd child was born. She wanted two more children, I wanted one more, we agreed at one and then I would start my transition. That didn’t happen as she said. Instead was nothing no dressing I had to be in drab men’s clothes all the time. Then she caught me dressed very sexy having a nice sexual chat with a man while drink a bottle of wine. Omg I was caught. We stayed together for the kids for two more yrs, then divorce. I’m divorced now finally starting my transition am in therapy and she agrees I’m definitely transgender and definitely need start presenting myself as my true self a woman. I’m 44 now and am sooo happy to finally be myself. 35 yrs of fighting what I knew was true. To any one struggling and fighting, embrace your self be true to yourself. I’m sooo glad I finally did

      • #90873

        OMG the purging, I can think how much money I’ve thrown away, some amazing clothes I still covert now. And the dream, the dream every night of wanting to wake as I felt rather than what was fact. somany time I’d wake up and be so sad, so terribly sad. then the boring clothes and the on set of confusion at school to be a boy, but looking at the girls.

    • #80136

      Though I’d been feeling wrong since early childhood, it didn’t come together for me until I was 19. That’s when I actually learned what a transsexual was, and realized it described me too. Before that, I thought I was gay, and the stereotypes I’d been fed of gay people were so bad, I had no reason not too.

      I had a dawning realisation at uni that most gay people were nothing like me, and that led me to read around, eventually finding Caroline Cossey’s autobiography. At one point, she described an experience of also thinking she was just a gay boy growing up, not fitting into that eitger, until she met a transgender woman, heard *her* story and wrote “It was like she’d taken an X-ray of my heart”. And I thought “And now you’ve done the same to mine”.

      I think that’s how most of us learn.

      But if we don’t find an exact model, then it all gets a bit more complicated.

      What bothered me most was my later discovery that I seemed to like women romantically, in real life; yet my fantasiy life was all about sex with men, with me as the woman. And that never changed, even after I was involved with a woman for many years.

      This sort of gender/sexuality confusion also throws off a lot of us, it would seem. At least it is clear to me what I’d prefer post transition.

    • #62533

      Interesting question.   I began to think seriously about social transition about a decade ago, not long after I first ventured out into the real world presenting as a woman.   For most of my prior life, even that seemed an impossibility…I assumed I was too masculine in stature to ever be comfortable in public or interacting with other people as a woman.   Once that boundary had been crossed, I found myself dissatisfied with living my life as a male.

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    • #62225

      I actually figured it out on the CDH chat site. I went off on a girl who was talking about clothes. like seriously, I flipped. I told her it was more than just about the clothes for me, among other things. not proud of how that went down, but that’s when I realized I needed to be Olivia in real life, not just on a computer screen or hiding in a bedroom. and so far, its gone well.

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    • #54125

      I knew from my early years that there was something different about me.  I didn’t feel comfortable being around boys, but felt perfectly comfortable and at ease around girls.  As with most of us who grew up in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s, you kept your differences to yourself and learned early in life to adapt your actions, mannerisms, and thoughts toward the male spectrum.  Like an actor on a stage you needed to act the part, and do it better than other males.  I was in my early 60’s when I discovered the term gender dysphoria, began researching, and discovered that there were literally thousands of individuals who were just like me, and I realized that emotionally, spiritually and mentally I was a woman, albeit with a male body.  I began dressing with undergarments and androgynous clothing, and occasionally would go full bore with my wife’s clothing when she was not at home.  When I finally got up the courage to discuss this with my Primary Care Doctor, she eventually diagnosed me has being gender dysphoric, and her diagnoses was later confirmed by a psychologist.  At this point, with confirmation that I had a medical condition rather than a mental one, or just a fetish, I seriously began considering transitioning.  I embarked on the journey by slowly expanding my clothing styles and my appearance (slowly, because while my wife understood the medical aspect, she wasn’t thrilled with the inner me being released, but by taking it slow, it gave her time to process and slowly accept it, and eventually got to the point where she would go out in public with me for short periods of time).  I am always going to be a pre-op trans woman (I just don’t feel like going through the rigors of GCS at my age, and I don’t need it to validate who I am), I have been full time for a little over 2 years, and by the middle of January will officially assume my new name, and shortly thereafter will have my gender marker changed.  So, a short answer to the question (I know, I’ve been told that I can be a little verbose) would be when I was diagnosed as being gender dysphoric.  Peace and Love to all.

       

    • #54123

      I’m a little late to this topic. It seems I’m always late to the party. lol. I put on my first bra at around 8 years old. It was my moms. I wore women’s clothes off and on for years. It was in my late twenties early thirties that I started dressing a lot. At least twice a week. It was a need to dress. But afterwards I would take it all off and be full of shame and guilt. It went on for a while. I had a really scary experience that I thought was a sign that what I was doing is wrong. I purged for my last time. Stopped dressing for 15 years. I never stopped thinking about dressing but would tell myself its not right and suppressed everything. I had some challenges earlier this year that made me reevaluate who I am. I went to see a therapist to help me deal with my crossdressing. Well after some therapy I realized I’m not a cressdresser. I have now accepted myself now, well as far as I can accept myself. lol. I am trans woman. I never knew I started my journey long ago. I recently realized I want/need to transition. But first thing is coming out to my wife and family.

      Hugs,

      Angela

    • #54111

      I guess it was the lack of non-transitioning that made me want to go back to it.  I would compare it to purging, losing every piece of feminine clothing and wanting it all back, it was a bad mistake.   I know there are a lot of people here can relate to that.  In my lifetime, I purged four times, and shortly after, each time, I regretted it.  I mean ‘shortly’!

      I was in my 2nd marriage when I was cross-dressing heavily.  But I felt it was too limiting.  I wanted to ‘step out’ of the house in feminine mode, much against my ex-wife’s stern “NO!”  I think she was more worried about what people would think of her than of me.  I was tired of it, I wanted ‘out’, not just the marriage, but out of the closet, into the world.  Once on my own, I tossed out 80% of my male attire, keeping only things that were more male or female.  Talk about relief!   Eventually, I had gotten rid of the remaining in the years to follow.

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    • #53276

      I too knew as a young kid but had forgotten until I entered therapy this past year. When I was 5 I played with the little girl next door and we would see together, eventually realizing I had something she did not. Often, I would wear her dresses until one day I told my Mom I was really a girl while in a dress. My Mom freaked out and I was punished, so never again did I say anything until I was a teenager. As an adult I eventually purged and vowed to be all male and that lasted 20 years until last year, when those girlie feelings came rushing back. I started by dressing and it took only a couple months for me to know what I needed to do. My only regret, I wish that more information and surgery was available in my day.

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    • #52840

      Theoretically I guess the “inkling” could have been as early as 4 years old.  I felt like a girl but noticed I was different from them.  Even then at that young age I wished there was some sort of “magic” that could of turned me into something like them.  I wish my parents had been more concerned about me and less about their reputation and taken me to an understanding therapist of some sort.  I missed so many female moments.  I missed homecoming, prom, dressing like a princess or fairy, playing with dolls, and so many other fun moments.

      However, in mainstream therapy, even if a child is sure, even at that young age, they are given time to change their minds and should be given the opportunity.  I think modern day therapy has it right.  Lots of therapy to find out if this is the life that really is enjoyed, puberty blockers until they are adult, and when the child grows into adulthood and still wants a gender change it should be allowed.  The only thing I’d change about the process is I’d make it mandatorily covered by insurance.  It’s not “cosmetic”.  When it makes people suicide at unnatural rates it should be required by common decency.

      As far as when I actually made a partial transition (hormonal therapy only due to my wife who could only take a partial transition), I’d guess it happened in my late 30’s. It was a while ago, so I don’t remember the exact date or year.  I do remember I was desperately unhappy.  So much so looking at a lot of pictures of myself as a male would induce panic attacks.  I felt like there was a beautiful woman inside.  Seeing myself as a fat male got to be too much.  Luckily one of those panic attacks that felt like a real heart attack got me talking to a psychiatrist who pointed out I was likely eating my feelings and he wouldn’t be surprised if I transitioned if I didn’t begin losing weight and becoming my dream.  When I told him I was afraid I’d lose family, friends, and possibly be beaten or harmed for becoming transgender.  He pointed out that I was harming myself and likely going to die anyway, so why not take a chance? He was right.  I dropped 60 pounds now, and now when people see my pic they use comments like “You have beautiful eyes, your very pretty, your kind of cute, kinda hot” etc…

      They can’t imagine how complete it makes me feel to hear that.  I’ve always been beautiful within, according to friends, and now according to even acquaintances who don’t even know me, my outside matches my inside.  I think thats something an awful lot of us want.

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    • #35846

      Looking back, it should have been obvious at a very young age.  I was 8 or 9 when I first experienced the definite feminine feeling of being comfortable in girls clothes.  It started with a swimsuit and quickly, nearly overnight, I began to “borrow” my sister’s clothes.  With over two hours between the time I got home and any of my siblings did, I had plenty of time to experiment with my feminine self.  I was the youngest of four in a single parent home.  After school was my girlie time, nearly everyday.

      Somehow, I never put two and two together.  Not even when I started to get a much too large of a panty collection.  Not when I couldn’t resist “borrowing” the clothes of the woman whom I babysat for.

      Somehow in the back of my mind, I thought it would all go away when I was grown up and married.  I connected the fact that my mother left when I was in first grade with my cross-dressing.  I reasoned it was the lack of feminine influence in my life that drew me to cross-dress.  Never mind that I had two sisters and that I had more interaction my five year older sister than any other family member.  (BTW,Getting married changed nothing.)

      I still didn’t put it together when my wife caught me in her clothes three years into our marriage.  That did make me get real about cross-dressing being a permanent part of my life.  Even after I forsook wearing men’s underwear in favor of panties it still eluded me.

      I didn’t put it together when at 40 something I began to speculate on how to grow boobs. (Long story on the different scenarios I imagined.  I won’t go into it here.)

      I wasn’t until my wife finally came around to fully accepting that her husband was a cross-dresser and it wasn’t just a fetish, but a part of my core being and I began to dress daily at home.  Then it really hit home that I really was more comfortable in women’s clothes.  Up until that time, going out was seldom and frightening.  But as I began daily giving myself permission to express my feminine nature daily my excursions became frequent and blatant.   Stirrings began.

      It was a couple of years that the burning desire for my own boobs became real.  I made a request to my Primary Care Physician for hormones.  I had long since been going to the doctor dressed, so I thought I had a good chance she might say yes.   She talked it over with my endocrinologist (my doctor for my hyperthyroid condition) and they said that the risk of breast cancer was too great.   So the desire was once again stuffed.

      When my PCP retired and I needed to change doctors.  I tried again and the new doctor referred me to the “Gender Pathways” clinic.  The doctor there asked me a few questions and then happily prescribed a course of treatment — testosterone blockers and estradiol patches — and referred me to an electrologist.  Just like that I was on my way to transition.  Much to my surprise, my wife’s only concern was would others be able to tell there was a difference, i.e. would my boobs become noticeable.  A moot point since for several years, I’d been wearing my breast forms 24/7.  Once that was set to rest, she has no objections.

      So, when did I first suspect?  Well, denial is not a river in Egypt, it’s the state of mind that when, in the face of all the evidence, you still refuse to face up to what’s staring you in the face.  In denial for decades, it hit me like a ton of bricks when I picked up my first prescription for blockers and estradiol at age 72.

      Even now I find myself struggling to decide just how far this transition is going.  I’ve come to the conclusion that at this stage in life I can’t really expect to grow a decent bust line.  Currently, Oregon Kaiser won’t do augmentation mammoplasty for trans patients.  An interesting situation, because in Washington, they they will, this after a lawsuit.  I’m currently exploring the idea of challenging Oregon Kaiser, citing the Washington case.  I’ve determined that Medicare  will happily cover their share, so it’s not a matter of real cost.  It’s simply a matter of policy.  If I’m successful in getting them to do it for me, then they will have to open the doors for all trans patients, not just Medicare patients.

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    • #35753
      Todd Maki
      FREE

      I actually realized I was female when I would try on my mom’s clothes and feel more than comfortable. I would try on outfits of my mother’s and dress in secret and I loved it. In my teen years besides dressing in my mom’s clothes I would sleep in a bra and panties wishing and wishing I would become female. It wasn’t until I moved to Washington(state) in 2007 after my brief marriage had ended that I knew I was free to become the woman I had always dreamed of. Since then I have been integrating Natalia(my female persona)into everyday life. And I have never been happier.

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    • #35663
    • #35227

      This is a question dear to my heart as it is for a lot of use here.  When did I suspect.  Well… I certainly had signs when younger: Trying to be like mommy in the tub around 4 with the bubbles, or playing Barbie’s with my sister where I got to be her little sis, or playing dress up in my mom’s stuff around 7. Or even in high school where I would lay awake at night day dreaming of being magically turned into a girl.  Maybe even collage where I finally bought my own clothing and dared to go out full fem, even if in secret.

      However my very first inkling that I was transgender was when I went to the TGEA support group in DC and met others who were from all areas of the T spectrum.  I was immediately lumped into and friended by the. TS girls and brought in like a sister.  However it was only an inkling as I was in self denial and towed the CD line.  I think they just smiled and said she will come around when she is ready.  However it still was in the back of my mind at this point.  Fast forward till about 8 years ago, and the full realization struck home, after reading Helen Boyd’s books.  From that point forward I had full realization that I was the preverbal woman trapped syndrome.  Unfortunately life has it’s little trials and the journey continues.

       

      Miriya

      🙂🙂😞

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      • #35652
        Anonymous

        My moment came much later in life. I already had accrued some beautiful things and a phase of wondering if I was more homosexual that yearned for pretty clothes. Then one day, I was sitting in an airport and across from me was this young (late teens) woman sitting across from me – actually, slouching in a chair. She was wearing tan leggings. Her legs were spread wide apart and I was drawn to that lovely flat area between her legs and knew I wanted to have that (not her). From that moment, till this moment, I keep myself proportioned so. My panties have become the defining aspect of each day – my coat of arms.

    • #34993

      I remember the first few times I was secretly crossdressing, I wondered how I could get away with wearing lingerie and female clothing around everyone.  In my early teens I was wearing it more but still secretly.  This continued for another decade, but I was beginning to have my own things, not a lot but enough to curb my ‘appetite’.  It was more of a struggle during my short brief 1st marriage.  I came out to my 2nd wife, who, hesitantly accepted it, as long as I didn’t take it out of the house.  It was okay for a few years, but she discovered it was taking over my life.  But it was keeping me at home!  The later six years of our 14-year marriage, she demanded that I keep it entirely to myself, not in front of her.  Talk about lowering the beam!  I was still dressing, but less occasionally, when she wasn’t home.  I also had a daughter to keep it from!  It was the hardest period of my life.  I wanted to be open, I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to live it, full time if I could.  But the only way to do that was living on my own – divorced.  It happened back in 1996.  Wow, what a relief it was.  But this time I had a full wardrobe of clothes, shoes and accessories that my ex had never known about.  It was only the dregs of society I had to deal with now.   One thing I learned though, it’s easier to come out (of the house) in a new area where no one knows your past.  I’ve moved several times since to make a new start, new job, etc.  I beat my old record of moving after 2 years in one place.  I’ve been at this present location five years.  I’m not happy here, I do intend on moving again and I’ll be officially retired too.

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    • #34992
      Andrea
      FREE

      For me it started at age 4 when I tried on my Mum’s dressing gown (pink, soft and quilted).  It was the result of not getting my turn in a game of “princesses” a few months earlier in which the girl I was playing with tried it on and said it would be “my turn next.”  Unfortunately our Mother’s came upstairs and told us off for being in my parent’s bedroom, so I didn’t get my turn.  That annoyed me: I wanted to be a “princess”.

      Afterward trying it on I could smell pretty scents on me which made me wonder if that is why I wasn’t meant to wear “girls clothes” because they were impregnated with something that turned you female!  (After all, there had to be some reason for boys clothes and girls clothes being different.)  Rather than panic that such a thing could happen to me, I rather hoped that it would work that way.  The sweet smelling fairy dust would work its magic.

      Going to school just cemented my belief that I was on the wrong team.  The trouble is I started to fight against my beliefs in my early 20s before spending far too long in an ill-fated marriage.

      Today after a long talk with a psychiatrist, I have been referred to a G.I.C.  Not exactly fairy dust but it is a start.

       

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    • #33971
      Anonymous

      Always loved women’s clothes. Started cross dressing as a teen.  Liked feeling girly, but automatically dismissed any thoughts of transitioning out of fear.  I’m tall (6’3″) and have a large frame/build.  I guess I just thought there was no way could pass, so I didn’t want to get my hopes up.  That was the case until just  few months ago.  I continued dressing, but it just wasn’t cutting it any more.  I felt like I needed more.  That’s when I stated questioning my gender.  I sought out help from a therapist (who I LOVE seeing) and just talking openly and having someone actually see my feminine side without judgement changed me so much!

      I am now 31 years old and seriously weighing my options of transitioning to female.  The more I think about it, the more I want it.  I am feeling more feminine by the day, and that’s with zero hormone treatments.

      So, that’s me (Abby)!! 🙂

      Love and Hugs to all!!!! 🙂

      -Abby <3 <3 <3

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    • #33229

      I’ve known like all of us from a very young age. The first time I remember praying for God to make me a girl/woman I was 10. It was after that I started writing stories about becoming a woman. This grew into wearing female undergarments under my “boy clothes”. I have been in public off and on through the years and every time I do it I love it even more. I have tried to stop it but can’t. The last outing I went shopping I knew in my heart I will transition to full time someday. I’ll be a late bloomer but it’s not a race enjoy life 😉 .

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      • #33773
        Kensie
        FREE

        I have a very clear memory from when I was around the age of four, when all my playmates were girls, that I wanted to give one of my friends my “package” because I somehow knew she didn’t have one and *I* certainly didn’t want it!

        Flash forward to our move to Florida when I was 10 or so.  As an only child in a new environment, I had a lot of time to bounce around inside my mind and to explore my mother’s closet when she was out.  A wanna-be dancer, she subscribed to several catalogs and magazines featuring pretty women and girls in beautiful gowns and pages full of delightful dance costumes from leotards on up to formal ball gowns.  I poured over those magazines wishing I could be allowed to wear these things and do what I saw those dancers and models doing!

        I collected newspaper clippings (Yes, I said *newspaper*!  Everybody subscribed back in the olden daze!) of a pretty exercise maven named Debbie Drake, who wore leotards with pretty, feminine collars and demonstrated all manner of exercise positions.  Then came the majorettes in my Junior High and HS bands!  Oh my!

        Many years went by . . . I was 42 (in 1990) before I found out I was *not* the only person of the male persuasion who had these thoughts and feelings!  By then, however, it was too late . . . or so I had thought for the longest time!  I had already been married twice, sired two kids, and had no attraction to anyone of the male persuasion.  I must be a guy, right??  Yet, the desire to own feminine things and walk around in high heels when I could continued unabated.  What was a guy to do?

        Finally, in 1997, I met the love of my life, my soul mate, and, the woman who would ultimately become my beautiful bride in early 2000.  She loved me for all of who I was and so I had no reluctance to reveal all of me to her.  For quite some time during our marriage, I continued my occasional forays into femininity but still didn’t want to expose her to it nor did I feel the need to go further than dressing now and then.

        Time passed and we had a wonderful life together.  In recent years, however, after an extended period of stress and emotional ups and downs, I proposed to her that we get the girl out of the closet and explore all that might bring to our relationship, especially as something of a distraction from the trials of our everyday life.  We had great times shopping together and building a nice wardrobe for Kensie, the name we chose together.

        Eventually, we decided to take advantage of some counseling through the local LGBTQ support group to help reach an understanding of who I really was and how we could fully embrace whatever we might find.  I still was not considering transition, especially since I’d just turned 68.  Sadly, she passed away before we could get to that meeting.

        After the shock and sadness began to subside and casting around for some direction for my life to take, I decided to reschedule the appointment, mostly out of curiosity.  About the same time, I became a regular in the chatroom on Crossdresser Heaven.

        With the revelations of the LGBTQ support folks, along with the encouragement of my new friends on CDH, I began think back to my youth and review all the feelings that I had long suppressed.  Add that to my increasing desires to spend more and more time in my feminine presentation and the seeds of transition began to put down roots.  So it was, at the age of 70, that I began HRT.

        Now, at 71, I’m in the process of jumping through all the necessary hoops to undergo an appropriate version of bottom surgery to finally get rid of that “package” which I’ve wanted to do since that early childhood dream so very long ago!

        Kensie, who so enjoys being a girl!

        3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #33780
          Miss Cloé
          MANAGING AMBASSADOR

          You’re beautiful, Kensie.  I’m so happy for you and proud to have been around to witness your own journey of discovery.  Lave ya girl!

      • #33762
        Amelia
        FREE

        I remember telling my mum when about 6 years old that I thought that as part of growing up I would transform into a girl, she just laughed, and, from that point on life became  one long disappointment, interspersed with the occasional crossdressing experience. Now I am Amelia interspersed with the necessary male dressing experience, dreaming of the day when I too can rid myself of this “Junk” between my legs.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #33216
      Anonymous

      O.M.G. The 1st time I was intimate with a female. In my mind I actually critiqued her nails,hair. and clothes. I knew something wasn’t right but it didn’t hit home until 1980 in the Navy. I had my 1st bottom experience with an awesome man and it was reminiscent of being in Times Square on New Years Eve when his front thighs touched my  back thighs. it was a “OH WHAT A FEELING TOYOTA MOMENT MMMMMmmmmm

      So I started renting motel rooms and cross dressing and Here I am. world!                          Xs Tracee

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    • #33214
      Marianne Tornander
      AMBASSADOR

      <p style=”text-align: left;”>For me to answer, the question is perhaps not the ultimate one as I hitherto haven’t felt an absolute need to transition. I have however wanted to be a girl, and subsequently a woman, ever since my young childhood around the age of 6, and I have at least partly identified as one. Before the age of about 30, I had however no idea of transitioning even being possible, only having heard the odd mentioning of transvestites as something more or less tragic and disgusting. As so many others I prayed to God to let me wake up as a complete girl, a divine intervention being the only possible solution percieved to my secret longing. Then came the day I sat down by my PC, opening AltaVista, and with typing transvestite in the search field the world was changed – or perhaps not.</p>
      <p style=”text-align: left;”>As I learnt about the different possibilities to achieve the goal of my dreams I also understood that I had effectively closed the door by recently entering a marriage and planning to start a family. To begin with, I thought being in a relation and having a family would make my wish to be a woman diminish and possibly go away completely. Off course I was totally wrong. With access to clothes and shoes in my own sizes the urges only grew as I saw I could actually make a not only decent, but quite good looking woman. The care for my family and the possible social stigma from going public with my desires still held me back, and also the fact that I still didn’t know of any ‘ordinary’ persons going through the procedures. After self diagnosing having Parkinson’s in the summer of 2012 I decided I had to at least try out functioning as a woman in public settings to find out if a transition to a female role would be possible and something I really could live with.</p>
      Today I find myself at a point there I more or less consider myself a transgender woman. I am sure I could successfully transition, but the concerns for my wife and children as well as the ongoing development of my illness still prevents me from taking the step. I still want to transition but I yet don’t feel I have to – and possibly never will.

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      • #33861

        your last paragraph is exactly how I feel.
        Never been out dressed in public , would love to , just to see what is would be like. Also how I felt being dressed in public.
        thanks for you post.
        Debbielynn

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    • #31406

      After 40-45 years of hiding and denying it, trying to find relief in a life of decadence and promiscuity, relatively sure that I would “get over it” someday, I found myself living with my third ex-wife, a woman who I credit with having saved my life on more than one occasion and in whom I had finally confided that I was indeed homosexual.

      She and I had become the best of friends since our painful divorce several years earlier and on one nondescript Saturday afternoon, a few short months ago,  she presented me with two plastic garbage bags nearly full of lingerie of hers that she had initially intended to throw away but subsequently decided, in her golden-hearted generosity, to offer to me as a tender gift.

      To say that that simple loving gesture changed the course of my life would be, at best, an understatement. Apparently, she knew me better than I knew myself. Those soft, pretty garments and the fact that she had given them to me, set my heart free and it was okay to be me.

      My closet and dressers are currently overflowing with beautifully feminine articles of all types and styles. I own a pair of silicone breasts, worn frequently. I am doing my own makeup, sometimes quite nicely I might add. I own two wigs but haven’t found the right one yet. I present myself as a woman in public on occasion, though fear still limits this activity somewhat. Most significantly, I haven’t thought about killing myself in months and those insipid thoughts used to occompany me almost daily.

      I don’t know how far I will go in my transition and that’s okay, but I do know that I am at peace with who I am…finally.

       

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      • #33178

        OMG I cant believe it, the more I read of other peoples journey through life, just how near it is to mine, we could be talking about the same person me. I knew very early in life around 4 I think, most of my friends were girls and I thought I was one of them, until one day I happened to see one of the girls naked…we were playing in her house…front room…no adults around and decided we would take all our clothes off…I couldnt understand why I had this grotesque grouth between my legs and she had a slit (vagina) of course I soon realise I was a boy and boys had a penis and not a vagina. From that day forth I have hoped and prayed my penis would wither and die…alas that is never going to happen, but its so painfull, and frustrating this, as by the sound of it on this site so are many many others

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    • #29421

      Since I was in my teens , but embarrassed and only now accepting i cant fight it and need do something about it..

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #28595

      I distinctly  remember at a very young age, perhaps 8 or 9, of being envious of girls as they seemed so together, and so very attractive.

      This envy was intensified at the age of ~12, and was coupled with a very strong embarrassment when it came to my penis (penis resentment you might say).

      It was around this time I became enamored of dressing up as a girl, thanks to a kind or bored babysitter, and especially makeup which seemed to offer  an entry to a whole new world, or to be more precise a whole new me.

      The idea of transitioning for a long time was in a completely different universe, and although I was dimly aware of the possibility I never thought it terms of something possible for me.

      It was only in my late 50s that I first entertained the possibility that a MTF transition was something I could do.

      The realization was both exhilarating and frightening.

      Exhilarating because it dawned on me this possibility is one I had always secretly even to myself dreamed of, and frightening because I knew that not doing this would just be one more failure I’d have to learn to live with.

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      • #33662

        I can so much identify with your experience. Thank you for sharing

      • #33179

        Oh god yes another person just like me…I cant believe it. Youve just described me hugz

        • #33180
          Anonymous

          Ur welcome and don’t B a stranger Hun.

          Xs Tracee

    • #24670

      Good morning ladies. Im new here and was browsing around and came across this. It’s an excellent question. I can count 3 separate instances Where I’ve felt me desire to transition.

      The first came when I was very young. I can remember as early as 5 or so wishing I could figure out why I seemed so different. It struck me hard a couple years later when I realized what was different about me. I hoped and prayed every night that somehow something would magically change.

      As I grew into my teen years, I found my parents true beliefs on the topic of not only gender and gender identity, but on sexual orientation as well. Gay was a sin and god doesn’t make mistakes. Period. A family friend transitioned while I was a teenager. While I applauded her for her courage and drive to find herself, my parents exiled her. I inviting her from family parties saying “maybe this isn’t the right party for you to attend”. I was horrified at their beliefs and actions but couldn’t let anything show. So back behind closed doors I went. I hid for the next 12 years. Taking on overly masculine roles, drinking too much and struggling with substance abuse. 5 years ago, I hit a breaking point. My life was in a tailspin and I couldn’t control it. I realized what it all stemmed from  but had the sense that I could do nothing to change it. That year was my darkest time in my life. I was on the edge and ready to jump. Literally. I tried taking my own life 3 times that year. The thought of what it would do to my family was one of the only things that gave me strength to hold myself from doing anything. I also became more driven than before to discover who I really am. Taking my life would have never allowed me to see my potential and I saw what I had to do for a second time.

      Now five years later I’m happy to say that those thoughts have never come back up. I still struggle with depression and anxiety daily but I’m no longer to that level of suicide. I continued to hide still fearing my parents unaccepting thoughts. Recently I enrolled in therapy as my depression was starting to spiral again. I found myself breaking down, crying over seemingly nothing then making excuses for it. My third realization that I want to transition came last week at my session. My therapist asked that I come as Skyler. She wanted me to be comfortable and wanted to see how it made me feel. When she asked how I felt being seen as Skyler, I broke down. It felt right. It felt natural. I told her I wish I could live life this happy and confident every day. The only thing holding me back is my fiancé. She supports me but gave me the striking shot the other night. “I love you and support you. You can wear whatever you want, just as long as you don’t decide you’re transgender or want a sex change”. I have to tread lightly. My biggest fear is losing her and my son. My second biggest fear is never being abke to be the woman I know I am.

      Sorry this is so long winded. I just started typing and couldn’t find somewhere to stop lol

    • #23623

      For me it was never a question of suspecting that I needed to transition; once I decided that I was transgender my path was clear.

      Of course this didn’t happen until right before my 57th birthday and four months after I had filed for divorce.

      I remember the date and the moment when it happened for me.  It was September 11, 2017 and I was halfway through another day at my crappie job.  I had just finished reading a book by Janet Mock (love kindle) and I realized that I had more in common with Janet and the other trans authors than with anyone else in my life.

      All those little moments when I realized that the authors and I were traveling down the same road and I had only arrived at the first of many signs that I was going the right way, that I was not alone and that I too can make the journey.

      Still on that road but loving the journey.

      Love

      Meeka

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      • #23639
        Miss Cloé
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        When I was struggling with the thoughts of whether crossdressing was enough and how much or whether I should go full time I spent a lot of effort chatting with people and reading writings to get perspectives.  I really didn’t want to leave ay facet of transition life undiscovered and something I might regret no knowing before making that final leap of faith. I really do think the effort paid off in helping me to have few regrets.  Do I wish some things in my life were better, certainly.  But the goal of just being happy in myself is the guiding light that keeps me true to course.

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    • #23403
      Anonymous

      i have been fighting this life long in the last 10 yrs in the summer short jean shorts shaved legs and a tank top and ad some bling /i started to model and one thing led to the next with many changes in the look i wanted and out came me the real me i put on the nice top in my photo size 15 jeans and it was there the look i wanted the new me /i have been out in public with this look  and pull it off nice the town i live in still is backwards so i have to use good taste and not over kill /i try to find balance in my looks and who i really am pushing the boundrys some and some times the shock on someones face is priceless / i am having fun we have come a long way i was born when johnson was president it is about time after all these years we can finally just be who we are

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      • #23637
        Miss Cloé
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        It is amazing how the real us shines through when dressed in ways that reflect our spirit.  No more shroud of secrecy to keep us hidden.  It’s like a spring flower in full bloom.  You go girl!

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    • #19205

      all my life I dream of being a girl, only when my health turn did I truly decide to turn into a girl, it was a question from my doctor that open up my past and had been block from me for over 50 years. I try to fit into the world as an Alfa male only I always fail for I was still an outcast for I hated to do thing other men love to do. I have never been happy and my felling had been crush. once I discover two month ago that I had been born a girl, I knew it was time for me to go back to being a girl only I did not know how for it was only as a infant that I was girl. now 58 years later I happy learning herbs and health and making my own beauty formula that really work. I now look as If I am in my Forty and shooting to look like I am in my twenty. I have many health problem only now I am curing them one by one with herbs, vitamin, foods, and formula I make for myself. I could not afford a good weight lost pills so I made my own very cheap and have lost fifty six pound so far on a no excise diet plan. I have not yet started HRT but I near to curing my baldness and my hair is past my shoulder after two month. another formula of mine had stop over half of the hair on my face from growing back. Being a girl is fun to make myself look better every day. I reverse my eye bags and have got my eye lashes and eye brow to grow.  I cannot take estrogen because of blood clog so I am researching herbs to formulate a natural estrogen. as I look more and more like a girl I will have to learn on how to walk, talk, dress, do makeup, I know nothing about any of this.  My breast are growing because my body is product more estrogen than testosterone on it own.  my nose is becoming smaller and lip are starting to become more female like. I did not know that estrogen could do all of this. I am almost ready to get the materials to formulate my own HRT formula. my most major change is for my skin turning from very oily to very dry expectedly on my arms, hands and face. I am also getting shorter I have lost three inches in height so far and still getting shorter. so I am transition even though I have not started transition on my own by taking drugs. what I will really need along with friends is help on how to act like a girl. Brenda2222

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      • #19226
        Miss Cloé
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        Hi Brenda.  Welcome to TGH.  It certainly sounds like you’ve found some things that work fro you despite some obstacles.  We don’t advocate self medication here as it is quite dangerous to the point of potentially fatal.  At the least I would hope that you have a MD overseeing your health through your transition.
        As far as behaving like a girl, we can help describe things that helped us figure things it.  But let me say, my best teaching technique was to observe girls themselves and figure out what make how they move and speak unique.  Just don’t make them uneasy while you’re observing.  They’re human too and deserve our utmost respect.  You can try out the things you see and video yourself  too  to see if you ‘re getting it right.  Hope all this helps.

        Hugs, Cloe

    • #14073
      Anonymous

      Jennifer you are so right ! Had I been forced into therapy in 1972 when I was caught fully dressed and made up in mother’s things who knows what kind of horrors would have been tried. Just the abuse by our stepfather alone would read like a case in a psychological pathology book. So much I have had to deal with alone. So much scaring suppressed for so long. It is no wonder the crisis which brought my to my senses took sixty years to become undeniable. My walls were high and strong until I was not strong then the house of cards came down. Better late than never. And better now than in the past as far as therapy.

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    • #12971

      Like many who have written or commented here the first inklings for me have been there for 20 or more years. But growing up in the 60’s through to the 80’s in a religious family meant that there was opportunity or even information that have suggested an alternative to being the gender I was born as. Even after my marriage of 21 years ended I did not associate my feelings of being different with being transgender. Experimenting with crossdressing was more as a way to break out of conservative sexual roles. My partner supported my desire to be less conservative and become a more impulsive and spontaneous person. This support led to my first transvestite experience. This singular event has given me the insight into my long suppressed feelings of being different. While that has been a revelation for me, it has not been welcomed by my partner. There are many reasons why my partner has expressed reluctance for me to pursue my preferred gender, some are personal while others related to wanting to protect me (given the environment where I worked). So I am now in the position of finally knowing that I am transgender and not being able to actively pursue my preferred gender.

      Life has also intervened and I have retired as well as moving to a new country. So I am in an enforced hiatus while waiting for what few femme items I have to arrive in my new country. I still want to explore how I feel as a woman before I can consider fully transitioning. I know that if I choose to transition, it will only be possible once my partner has passed away. Given my age and how long it may be before I am in a position to consider fully transitioning may preclude me actually achieving my goal.

      Steph

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    • #9377
      Danielle Fox
      SILVER

      Hello everyone,

      For those who knew they wer transgender, was in a marriage, and wanted to get HRT and even consider transitioning with the sex reassignment surgery, how did your wife react? Was she in denial of what you needed? Did she think it was all a phase that would pass? When it didn’t pass did she get wickedly angry and want a divorce? Did she even announce that there was a mutual decision to get a divorce? When there wasn’t. How did you react? Did you try and save the marriage by not going for the HRT and transitioning surgery and settle for just dressing up?

      I am so confused, hurt, angry, and I really love my wife. This is a third marriage but the other two didn’t know of my secret. I have nobody to talk to or turn to for advice and guidance. I do go to my first counseling session tomorrow. She, my wife, is so premature about this who meltdown so I haven’t even found out if I truly want to become a full time woman!!! I am so angry about this whole situation that I wantto just disappear, leave and never come back! Move and have I contact with my children, wife, brothers and their families nor friends! Fall off the face of the earth. Did anyone feel this way about their marriage? What did you do or how did you handle it? You need to know that my wife is on serious depression medicine and she wanted to give me one of her breasts last night…….I found out this morning when I told her goodbye before going to work. She moved into the spare bedroom two days ago. I love her so much that I would die for her and it will feel like it if I don’t move forward and it will feel like it if I let her have a divorce so I can move forward! Sorry to ramble but if I had tears to cry I’d have a river in my living room. I am so alone! I had to close out my CDH account last night abruptly or she was going to go absolutely crazy mad! I don’t even know if it had any effect on what is going on. She hate me talking about our situation with complete strangers on a website! That may be the only reason why she wanted me to delete my account. She wants to be who I am but she also wants this to be only a phase I’m going through. Wear panties to work, hose and heels with panties a couple times a month, etc. No breastforms until I grow my own, no feminine figure, no softened face, and definitely no surgery. Be drab during the day and partially fab in the evening. But on weekends? No going out, no support groups….anyway I need to finish this as she will be home soon from work and the unfriendly and antagonistic atmosphere will begin. I feel so scared…..so feminine inside so lost. Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️ to you all 💋👠

      Danielle

       

      • #9770
        Vanessa Law
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        Dear I’m so sorry to hear. This is such a tricky situation, for both of you. My first marriage didn’t survive my journey to transition, and if I’m honest, that was only part of the reason it didn’t work.

        As hard as it is, I encourage you to sit a little bit with the thoughts of all the turmoil she is going through as well. This is as challenging for her as for you.

        Dear, you are welcome here. Please know that you need friends and support for this journey, whether here or close to where you live.

        Hugs,

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #12575
          Anonymous

          I can say this never forget who you are! I love every thing about me and who I am ! My male side had a bad life of abuse from family my adopted family that is they never said a kind word to me! I was abused physically and mentally and now I fight depression daily! I try not to think about the past a all but sometimes its hard to do! I try to dress as much as I can for its my way of life I feel that I must live ! I am a kind and loving lady who does not judge anyone nor do I want to be judged by any one! Its good to have ladies like myself to talk to when I need help or someone’s advice on things!

          5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #9345

      Looking back over the years I realize that I knew then I was seven.  I clearly remember praying to god to be changed into a girl.  There were many more events like this over the years but growing up during the 60’s and 70’s only taught me how to hide it all behind a macho facade.

      It wasn’t until last year after ending my third marriage for 14 years that I started reading stories of transgender women and what their childhood was like.  I found myself saying to myself “that happened me to” or “I remember doing that for the same reason” and it slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t just a guy with a crossdressing fetish but an actual transgender person.  I was starting to believe.

      This year I started HRT and all it took was two weeks to silence the doubts of who I am.  Now I have to find out who I could be.

      Meeka

    • #8941

      Hi everyone….like so many oof us I knew there was something different  about me . I didn’t know what or why but I just sweet like the other boys. Having a father that could never accept that his son had feminine tendencies  i did what most of us did and suppressed my true self. It wasn’t till i was in my late 30’s and was invited to a halloween costume party which my now ex-wife after much resistance from me convinced me to go as a woman and she as a man. She said she would make me look great which she definately did. I wasn’t allowed  to look at myself until she was finished. When I saw myself in that full length mirror it was as if everything suddenly became crystal clear all the years of frustration and not understanding became instantly evident. Well that night started a journey I could no longer deny. My marriage ended and my femme side grew and grew. It’s the most liberating experience ever.

    • #8842

      I can remember as a young child not being able to figure out why I could not were the pretty dresses my sisters did. I was always tring to get some of the girls bras and panties to were I was not real interested in most boy stuff. So if there is a quick answer to this question I would say 3 or maby 4 years of age.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #8517

      I had always wanted to be a woman since about the age of 4 I knew I was in the wrong body. I use to go to bed hoping I’d wake up as a woman. I always had more girls as friends than guys and did girls things growing up and really didn’t have many guy friends. It really didn’t take me much thought about becoming a woman, I knew it was always something I wanted to do and it helped that my parents and family accepted me as a woman but they knew I had always want to be one. After my transition started I would get goosebumps thinking about being a woman it made me feel really good and at the end when my transition was complete you wouldn’t even notice that I was ever a man. I look like I was born a woman and I love it everything worked out perfectly pretty much. At first when I had to go to the bathroom it made me a little nervous to be going into the women’s restroom but I got use to that and now have no problem and have never got a second look not even once. I’m so happy I was able to complete my dream of becoming a woman.

    • #5734

      Was just a couple of years ago that the thought of transition started in my mind.  My wife noticed first and has been not only supporting, but has helped me to see and understand myself better.  We both regret we did not explore this earlier.

      7 users thanked author for this post.
      • #5821
        Vanessa Law
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        What a blessing dear!! I’m so glad you have someone so close supporting you on your journey!

    • #3826

      I told my wife about the clothes and she was ok if I did it when no one was in. She said if it was any more my marriage would be over.

      Over the years, I’ve had many such ultimatums from my wife.  Little by little she has accepted more of my feminine nature.  I think it’s payback for my efforts in becoming a good husband.   I’m not whipped, but I am attentive.  Do your best to be the husband she needs and she’ll, more than likely, learn to accept more and more of your trans nature.  (I think it’s a matter of fear she’ll loose you to the feminine side and end up alone.)  Don’t expect a dramatic turnaround, but an incremental, step by step acceptance.

      That’s how my wife went from just where you wife is to being OK with me on HRT.  Any surgery is still up in the air.

      8 users thanked author for this post.
    • #3808
      Tara
      FREE

      For me, I knew at a really young age. As a child, I was always friends with other little girls and didn’t really care for boy stuff. My parents and older brothers often chastised me for “acting gay.” One of my aunts (not knowing that I really wanted to be a girl) once told me that if I could kiss my elbow, I would magically turn into a girl.  I probably nearly broke my arm/neck on several occasions trying to do so.

      I had plans when I was 17 to run away and change my identity and live the rest of my life as a girl. But “love” got in the way… that and twisted religious views. What I wouldn’t give to go back and change it all now and live as a girl from a young age. If only time travel were possible.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #3819
        Danielle Fox
        SILVER

        Amen Tara! Set

        the go back machine for 30 years ago and I just left the USAF and that would have been perfect for me. Even 20 years ago then it would be me who leaves the marriage, lol! Hugs and love💋👠

        Danielle

    • #3635

      Well there’s a lot of honest and hard feelings in this thread—and that’s good. But I’ll lighten it up a bit with a sweet but true personal anecdote. When I was a child I would take bubble baths. I used to push all the bubbles to one side of the tub and sit on the other. I’d pretend once the bubbles touched me I’d become a girl. I always made certain they did. That’s probably when I knew.

    • #3029
      Danielle Fox
      SILVER

      Hello Vanessa,

      I always got along better with the girls than with the guys. I played sports and climbed trees, rope swings, dirt bikes and some of the other things a teen does. I didn’t date often, just enough to be a guy. But something was so different between myself and the guys. I didn’t feel that I belonged. I just didn’t fit in no matter how much I tried I was just not one of the guys. 4 year letterman in HS for football and track, I was a center in football and threw the javelin and shot put in track. I was not a big body but not small either. I had quick feet, a good stance and a good arm. But no matter what, I still preferred to be around the girls and, almost all of the girls in my class were friends with me. My experience with sex was quite limited because when I did date it was more as friends than for making out. I loved to dance and admired the dresses and shoes the girls wore to the big HS dances. But as sometimes happens I had to get married when I was young. Then all thoughts of dresses and being with the girls had to stop so I could raise a family. Many years later and marriage #3 I am very lucky to have an accepting and supporting wife. I am able to wear lingerie around her and I love her so much. Lately my thoughts have been very intense when I remember HS and my girl friends and wishing I could have been born a girl. I realize that before my first marriage I would have seriously considered transitioning to a woman rather go on as a guy. But that was not how things were in the 70s. A guy was a guy and a girl was a girl and a guy who wore girls things had a mental problem. But now………. If I were 20 or 30 years younger and it was this day and age – absolutely I want to transition! Life has taken a toll on my body, mind, and spirit. I don’t think I could survive the rigors of transitioning. I am happy being able to dress as a woman and even let my hair down, so to speak, and feel like a woman around my wife. I will find a counselor to help me and to really determine if I am transgender. Just knowing will put my mind at ease. Knowing that for my whole life I have not been crazy I was just born the wrong gender will allow me to be at ease with myself as I am now. No worries and life has some strange ways of working out. I actually believe that I am a lesbian at heart because I love being with the girls and being “with” the girls😁. TTFN💋👠

      Danielle

       

      <hr />

      Hey

    • #2542

      bout 5 years before the real transition. I had a terrible night when I had terrible dreams for about 3/4 hour and cried 1/4 and then it came back the same again.In the mrning I went to the acute meical station here and told about the terrible dreams. I really thought this was because stree in the job, but the doc gave me internet adresses to the TS organisations here in weden after a shoert time I tried to go back to the job, but that did not work so my employer sent me to a spyc doctor and he sent me home and that kept me off my job for about 5 months. Slowly I decided to lollow the first advice. After some time I found that there was possibly some truth in the first diagnoseA,d after about four month I got the psy doc to refere me o a TS/TG specialist. I send my paper but nothing was heard from the hospital.After two months or so I got a mesage that tole that on doctor that had helped TSTG persons earlier, bud he would return from his reriement to help me. By now it had passed 2 years since I firs had some ideas of what was to happen. And then Ll went along the standards of care from WPATH. Just a mall problem with the op that forced me to stay 2 weeks in the hospital instead of the 8 syas that ws normal.
      Ginnie

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #2514
      Anonymous

      What Jenn said is so true. My mother feminized me between four and six and I loved it from that first moment she put lipstick on my lips. She was also crossdressing my biological father. However it alienated my grandfather. And the other men in my family so she dad split I manned up. Then she married a sexual predator who raped me and my brother for seven years. This cemented the dislike of men I have had since and fueled a spate of fully dressing in my mother’s clothes and makeup from fourteen to sixteen when my brother caught me and outed me. This was the early seventies and the reaction was counseling which I barely managed to sidestep by suddenly amping the man juice by taking advanced SCUBA training and various dangerously manly pursuits which turned it into experimental behavior only, yeah right. High school social pressure kept the man juice going into my twenties and I married and worked high pay dangerous construction and demolition projects but as that marriage ended because she said I was to feminine my dressing cane back. But as I lived in a tiny rural town as a single dad it HAD to stay hidden. Then I met the woman I am in love with. She had had a lesbian relationship and is attracted to my softer side. But now that I have shed the male mask and want to physically feminize I am fearful of her reaction.

      god I apologize for going on and on. Like I said truly the floodgates are open in my heart

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #3815
        Tara
        FREE

        Maria! You are such an amazing woman. Your story is much like many of us who have suppressed our true selves and emerged ourselves in hypermasculinity to try to hide (military career for me). In the end, I think we all still have to face the truth that we can’t hide or run from our true self. I’m so happy for you that you have someone in your life who’s accepting and loving.

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #3817
          Anonymous

          Bless you my dear Tara your kind words humble me.

          💋💗

    • #2280
      ‘Eave
      FREE

      When did I know? I would say sometime between 6 and 8. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have both. I have always wanted to be both since the first time I can remember sing a person of the opposite sex nude. I think I even asked my mother and her reply was there are differences between girls and boys. I wondered why, may have even asked why but I never got an answer that I could believe in. So, when mom was away, I played with her makeup and clothes.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #2234
      Vanessa Law
      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Hi Venessa… I think I knew since I was young that something just wasn’t right, I really didn’t know what it was but I just never really got along with the boys and their interests just didn’t interest me. As I got older I stuck around the house and Mom taught me how to cook,bake and everything else. This really did nothing for the father son bonding and was told over and over by him that I had to “act like a man and stop acting like a sissy”. I prayed every night that God would fix me and make me normal. I tried so hard to be the man my father wanted, I ended up getting married and having two wonderful boys but that ache was still there no matter what I did.

      It wasn’t till we got internet that i learned about Transgender but when ever I did a search 99% of the time would come back with porn and I knew that wasn’t me. When I turned 50 is when I had enough,my deepening depression caused the marriage to break up and I had ended up in the hospital a few times,it wasn’t till my Doctor told me that what ever I was running from I had better turn and face it is going to kill you.I sought counselling and with the counselor’s help I started my transition at 54 years of age. Most Everybody has been really good my Boys and good friends just told me that they knew and were glad that I am becoming my authentic self, which is pretty awesome.

      So if anybody says they are to old to transition I say you are never to old to be you!

      Love I am so glad you found your authentic self <3 <3

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #1046

      I am really struggling with this. What started as a bit of a sexual fetish if I am honest now has changed and I’m in a nightmare of a place. I am 40 , married and have 2 young children but I now know that I want to transition. I told my wife about the clothes and she was ok if I did it when no one was in. She said if it was any more my marriage would be over. I’m now struggling to deal with everything . Hope everyone else is ok too xx

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #1075
        Miss Cloé
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        Alana, reaching out is a good step in helping deal with the struggle.  In retrospect I wish I had sought professional counseling when I reached your current state.  I’d be happy to talk to you about it.
        Hugs, Cloe

        4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #919

      When I forced myself to be honest about who I was, I felt that wearing women’s clothes was a start and not a destination.  When I allowed myself to behave naturally, it was in a feminine way.  Before transitioning, I would always have to act like a man.  Now, I never question that anything that I do is not feminine.  Right now, I am on HRT.  I am looking forward to getting surgery.

       

      Also, it is never too late.  I started in my 40’s.  There is always a way.  I am in support group where people started transitioning later than I did.  Each one of them are happy that they did.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #1073
        Miss Cloé
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        Jamie, I’m at that point of being on HRT for 6 months and with divorce about complete am finding it very hard to stop thoughts of bottom surgery.  It’s been half a lifetime since I first knew I needed to do this and finally doing something about it.  Hope to keep touch with you on our journeys.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #917

      Hi Venessa… I think I knew since I was young that something just wasn’t right, I really didn’t know what it was but I just never really got along with the boys and their interests just didn’t interest me. As I got older I stuck around the house and Mom taught me how to cook,bake and everything else. This really did nothing for the father son bonding and was told over and over by him that I had to “act  like a man and stop acting like a sissy”. I prayed every night that God would fix me and make me normal. I tried so hard to be the man my father wanted, I ended up getting married and having two wonderful boys but that ache was still there no matter what I did.

      It wasn’t till we got internet that i learned about Transgender but when ever I did a search 99% of the time would come back with porn and I knew that wasn’t me. When I turned 50 is when I had enough,my deepening depression caused the marriage to break up and I had ended up in the hospital a few times,it wasn’t till my Doctor told me that what ever I was running from I had better turn and face it is going to kill you.I sought counselling and with the counselor’s help I started my transition at 54 years of age. Most Everybody  has been really good my Boys and good friends just told me that they knew and were glad that I am becoming my authentic self, which is pretty awesome.

      So if anybody says they are to old to transition I say you are never to old to be you!

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #1070
        Miss Cloé
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        Deborah, I’m happy you were able to live your authentic life.  I met a girl last night who had FFS after 70 and GRS at 75.  She was there with her wife of 51 yrs.  It’s never too late.

        3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #12648
          Anonymous

          I’m not sure what to write. I am going to turn 70. I remember telling my older sister that I wanted to be a girl when I was 5. I First dressed at puberty in my moms clothes. We were same size and it was heaven. I have suppressed for decades and cannot make a decision. I would love to go on hormones and am trying to move forward. I love reading all your comments. Thank you so much.

    • #893

      I think I new all along but for a million reasons chose to push these thoughts and feelings aside. I never really fit in with other boys or had common interests with them. As I got older the guys I was around would see a pretty girl and talk about how much they wanted to be with her. I played along but what I remember thinking is that I wanted very much to BE her and felt jealous of girls that they got to be who they were. I eventually conformed and married and had 3 beautiful daughters which I love but it was hard to see them grow into women like I dtsti feel I should have. I have secretly cross dressed most of my life but never feel “right” as me. Sorry for rambling and the fact that I’m not a very good writer. I am hoping to get to know some of you that have had similar experiences and see how you coped. Thanks Vanessa for the site and opportunity to get this out to

       

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #1068
        Miss Cloé
        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        Kerin, my coping was done through wearing things underneath my drab clothes.  For 25 yrs, while rassing my family,  that sustained me.  I found I could limit it to a few panties and pantyhose.  The hose purged themselves and the panties were easy enough to hide.

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #888

      Me…..in my mid 30’s.  Never got around to it….now too old.

      Dame Veronica

      Dame Veronica Graunwolf

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #849

      Jennifer….hi sweetie!  It is never too late to go for your dream. Do the research into what is required and what you will go thru….it is expensive, painful and takes quite a while to complete. You want to be sure your body/mind can take this change and physical condition and age can have a huge impact upon whether or not this route can be taken. There are many tales about those who delayed such decisions and now live with the regret of could have, should have and so on. The decision can be very damaging to family life and to friends as well. This is not to be taken lightly….once done there is no going back. Do contact your local LGBT organization and talk to as many of them as is possible before making a decision. The more info….the better.

      I am here for you if you wish to chat more about this….my door is always open.

      Dame Veronica

      Dame Veronica Graunwolf

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #847

      Hi Vanessa…I think I knew that there was something more than a an infatuation with women’s clothing when I was in college. I admired girls but wanted to be like them.  I wanted to look like them.  Then of course I went through stages of wrestling with the way I was born and who I wanted to be. My experience was similar to yours. I wished that someone would invent a pill that I could take and wake up in a new body.  Now I am older and dearly want to transition.  I can’t express how much I wish I would have done it earlier in my life.

      Jennifer

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #8671

        I understood it ‘s  was something         “ment-to-be special” as early as         between 3-5 year old ☺!when I was about    7-11 years I understood it better since I “borrowed” my mom and sisters cloths and my sisters dolls and toys ;-I told my mom   & dad but they always think&see it as if I was homo (a man loving another man)          It make’s me WERY,WERY SAD 😂😂😂😭😭😭😓😓😓

      • #2477
        Jennifer
        SILVER

        Hi Jennifer

        Unfortunately for most of us here, had we sought help at an earlier age we would have been subjected to horrendous ridicule, turned over to a psychologist for horrible mental manipulation or torture. There are so many resources for teens today that didn’t exist in our day. So there is no wonder that there are so many of us of our age trying to deal at a late point in our life. So don’t regret not starting earlier, it’s just happenstance that we were born when we were. If we hid it probably ended up being a life saver for us then. Thank God those days are going away and now we all have resources even though the path might be a little different.

        Jenn

        5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #35752
      Anonymous

      Being a parent is hard enough (if you’re doing it well). No manual and on call 24/7. It’s in “the contract “. Children are some kind of understanding – treat them with respect, at any age, and they will in your corner forever. Hide things from them and, well, no matter the age, they figure things out. Is all of this any different? Unchartered territory.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #35747
      Brea
      FREE

      Well it sounds like you are better off finding someone that is more laid back.  I hope you keep a healthy relationship with your kids.  I would like to think your  kids would be happy for you when you transition.  I think the younger generation is less inclined to accept classical social constructs.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #35717
      Brea
      FREE

      Oh my god!  Are you me or am I you?  Should I still be so unsure???

      I started asking my mom to dress me up around 5 yrs old.  At some point between 5 and 9 this stopped.  At 9 I finally decided to “borrow” my moms clothes.  It started with closet meditation and went on to sleeping in femme.  I thought I was a gay cross dresser and wanted to come out to my parents by about 10.  Certain things would make me wish I was a girl (see quantum leap season 2 where Sam is trapped in a woman’s body…yes I know it’s weird and the clothes are terrible).  At 11 I started wearing girls underwear to school trying to build up to a point where I could come out to my peers.  I believe a turning point in my journey was when my friends noticed I was wearing panties.  It was like those nightmares where you are at school or work in your underwear but it was real.  I lost a lot of friends that day and decided I had to ignore the part of me that wanted to be accepted.  However in private I still dressed up, still had events where I wished I could have been born a woman.  I thought I was home free at puberty when I couldn’t stop thinking about girls (remember I thought my urges were because I was gay).

      Fast forward to maybe 24 when I was in the Navy and just lost 2 friends in an auto accident.  I decided to be myself…sort of.  I started dressing up again.  It was about this time that I met my wife.  Before we were married I showed her my Hosiery but made sure she understood it was to help manage skin irritations after shaving my legs (not really).  Also before getting married she found a pair of my heels (no I will not describe them…so ugly).  She flipped and I promised I would give it up.  She wanted me to dress up but only rarely and in private (I always thought it was a trap).  There have been times when I feel like we are going to end it and part of me gets excited about the idea of starting over and embracing my gender.

      In college I didn’t dress up ever except maybe once for Halloween (the only person not in costume).  I figured I was so busy I couldn’t think about anything but class.

      Within the past few years I have been dressing up a lot.  Especially the last few weeks.  As you said when I finally got into a full outfit and makeup I was finally able to see the woman that I had buried away for so long.  I “borrowed” my wife’s corset (otherwise I am a rectangle), one of her off the shoulder fit and flair mini dresses (surprisingly I think I pulled off the exposed shoulder…I think), her contacts, some lashes (didn’t feel like cleaning the mascara off of my actual lashes), a super cute wig with a red bow to hold one side of the bangs out of my face, nude hosiery with black cross hatching, and applied makeup (took multiple hour because it went about as horrible as I had expected being the first time).  I was so happy.  I had recently been going to sleep around 10pm but couldn’t get to sleep that night until 5 am (spent some time messing around with the hair to see what I could do with it).

      the next morning I was chatting with my wife and she noticed the terrible job I did at cleaning the eyeliner off.  At first I denied it and blamed it on FaceTime.  Before we said goodbye I admitted what I had done.  At first she seemed excited.  I was so relieved I couldn’t stop talking about it and how I couldn’t wait until she got home so we could go shopping and dress up together.  Afterwards she went from sadness to anger and finally to acceptance and love.

      The problem being she thinks it is just me being a cross dresser. I tried to tell her I wanted to go to transgender therapy “just to make sure.”  I started to tell her why I think I may be trans but she started balling.  I couldn’t see her so sad and when she said “I don’t want you to leave me” my heart wrenched.  I couldn’t do it but I got as far as admitting to trying to come out at 11 and how that turned out and how much It made me hate cliques and mainstream and anything accepted as a social norm.

      Since this she has been excited. I sort of promised to expand my sense of fashion for men’s clothes.  My goal is to try to get her to fall in love with me as a woman and maybe look at the options as far as hrt… or not… i’m Not sure.  I hope we can make this work.  I can’t afford to lose my family.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #35679

      Hello Tiffany, your discovery is one most of us have made one time or another.  I am sorry to hear about your marriage troubles, how old are your kids? To me sounds like you are in that euphoric stage of freedom lots of transgender folk find them selfs in when they 1st find what being themselves truly feels like.  I am sure your therapist has told you to enjoy and take your time with this phase as it will be fun as h3ll.  My advice to add is be safe along with that.  😃 I have seen a lot of girls in this stage do the proverbial ‘gone wild’.

       

      Miriya

      😃😃😉

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #35709

      Well Tiffany, as I have been around too long in a hold pattern I have noticed the euphoric phase most go through last from any from six months and up to to three years in one girl.  So you have some time to enjoy.  I myself did it twice with a 10 year or so break in between.  First time lasted about eight months when I toted the CD line, second was about a year and a half when I was truly discovering myself.  Now I am just the mooping girl who wants but can not have when I go out.

      Miriya

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #35704
      Anonymous

      Touché Stay true!

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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