When did you start to suspect you needed to transition

This topic contains 78 replies, has 49 voices, and was last updated by  Patricia Allen 2 weeks ago.

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  • #35846
     Patricia Allen 
    Participant

    FREE

    Looking back, it should have been obvious at a very young age.  I was 8 or 9 when I first experienced the definite feminine feeling of being comfortable in girls clothes.  It started with a swimsuit and quickly, nearly overnight, I began to “borrow” my sister’s clothes.  With over two hours between the time I got home and any of my siblings did, I had plenty of time to experiment with my feminine self.  I was the youngest of four in a single parent home.  After school was my girlie time, nearly everyday.

    Somehow, I never put two and two together.  Not even when I started to get a much too large of a panty collection.  Not when I couldn’t resist “borrowing” the clothes of the woman whom I babysat for.

    Somehow in the back of my mind, I thought it would all go away when I was grown up and married.  I connected the fact that my mother left when I was in first grade with my cross-dressing.  I reasoned it was the lack of feminine influence in my life that drew me to cross-dress.  Never mind that I had two sisters and that I had more interaction my five year older sister than any other family member.  (BTW,Getting married changed nothing.)

    I still didn’t put it together when my wife caught me in her clothes three years into our marriage.  That did make me get real about cross-dressing being a permanent part of my life.  Even after I forsook wearing men’s underwear in favor of panties it still eluded me.

    I didn’t put it together when at 40 something I began to speculate on how to grow boobs. (Long story on the different scenarios I imagined.  I won’t go into it here.)

    I wasn’t until my wife finally came around to fully accepting that her husband was a cross-dresser and it wasn’t just a fetish, but a part of my core being and I began to dress daily at home.  Then it really hit home that I really was more comfortable in women’s clothes.  Up until that time, going out was seldom and frightening.  But as I began daily giving myself permission to express my feminine nature daily my excursions became frequent and blatant.   Stirrings began.

    It was a couple of years that the burning desire for my own boobs became real.  I made a request to my Primary Care Physician for hormones.  I had long since been going to the doctor dressed, so I thought I had a good chance she might say yes.   She talked it over with my endocrinologist (my doctor for my hyperthyroid condition) and they said that the risk of breast cancer was too great.   So the desire was once again stuffed.

    When my PCP retired and I needed to change doctors.  I tried again and the new doctor referred me to the “Gender Pathways” clinic.  The doctor there asked me a few questions and then happily prescribed a course of treatment — testosterone blockers and estradiol patches — and referred me to an electrologist.  Just like that I was on my way to transition.  Much to my surprise, my wife’s only concern was would others be able to tell there was a difference, i.e. would my boobs become noticeable.  A moot point since for several years, I’d been wearing my breast forms 24/7.  Once that was set to rest, she has no objections.

    So, when did I first suspect?  Well, denial is not a river in Egypt, it’s the state of mind that when, in the face of all the evidence, you still refuse to face up to what’s staring you in the face.  In denial for decades, it hit me like a ton of bricks when I picked up my first prescription for blockers and estradiol at age 72.

    Even now I find myself struggling to decide just how far this transition is going.  I’ve come to the conclusion that at this stage in life I can’t really expect to grow a decent bust line.  Currently, Oregon Kaiser won’t do augmentation mammoplasty for trans patients.  An interesting situation, because in Washington, they they will, this after a lawsuit.  I’m currently exploring the idea of challenging Oregon Kaiser, citing the Washington case.  I’ve determined that Medicare  will happily cover their share, so it’s not a matter of real cost.  It’s simply a matter of policy.  If I’m successful in getting them to do it for me, then they will have to open the doors for all trans patients, not just Medicare patients.

  • #35753
     Todd Maki 
    Participant

    FREE

    I actually realized I was female when I would try on my mom’s clothes and feel more than comfortable. I would try on outfits of my mother’s and dress in secret and I loved it. In my teen years besides dressing in my mom’s clothes I would sleep in a bra and panties wishing and wishing I would become female. It wasn’t until I moved to Washington(state) in 2007 after my brief marriage had ended that I knew I was free to become the woman I had always dreamed of. Since then I have been integrating Natalia(my female persona)into everyday life. And I have never been happier.

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  • #35675
     Tiffany Alexis 
    Participant

    SILVER

    This year.

    pretty much same backstory, different person. Prayed to god to turn me into a girl at 6 years old. Cross dressed from 10 to 20. Maybe I dressed less than most from 20-43, cause in jobs in emergency services and medicine that didn’t allow the chance. But something in my head, some circuit breaker lol or something got tripped in December, cause I found myself thinking about it, and I went out and bought things to dress, which I’d never done. Only dressed two more times until the end of March, when my now ex-wife went out of town. She had asked for a divorce a couple weeks prior, and, well, I just went wild that week with dressing, and modern day Tiff was born. I also joined CDH that week. At that point, the chain of events became self sustaining, the fire lit.

    when I first put on makeup, april 9, and saw what was in the mirror, was when I started thinking maybe I was trans…cause it’s the first time I had looked in a mirror and LIKED what I saw. After that, the further I took it, the more I wanted to keep pushing it. The better I got, the better I looked, the more whole I felt.

    my first time out in public, I realized I wanted to exist like this forever. I was so happy I cried tears of joy off and on for days. That weekend is when I became certain I was trans, 5 days as tiff was good but not nearly enough. Still didn’t think I’d be able to transition tho. Reason was although my marriage was ending, no one knew. I thought it’d be the end of the world if my now ex found out.

    Turns out the apocalypse was scheduled for that coming Sunday, in the back half of May, cause that’s when she saw pictures of that prior weekend(thanks, anonymous troll spy! Hope a cactus falls on ya!). Big apocalyptic screaming ensued by the ex, and I had to rapidly evacuate my house. The 10 days in the hotel were miserable, but turns out necessary. I had a lot of time to think. Even talked to a couple of trans folks I’d met here bout all this…read a bunch too, bout transitioning and such. Figured out I’d never be happy living as a male.

    funny thing is, although the Tiffpocalypse had happened, the world kept turning….almost as if it WASNT the end….wait…it ISNT the end….I had survived, the damage wasn’t total, got an apartment, and found myself thinking about how to decorate it. Bout then, I had my epiphany (I’d make a pun but…). Apocalypse survivors don’t care if there’s pictures on the walls…guess my greatest fear wasn’t that bad…I can do this…and there’s nothing that can actually stop me…so some time in the second week of June I think is when I decided I was going to transition. Turned 44 last week, tomorrow I have my third appointment with my gender therapist. I live as Tiff except at work or with my kids. I’ll have to move in about two, two and a half years when the transition changes become too noticeable to hide, then I’ll never wear drab again.

    Tiff

    • #35717
       Pfifer Zhang 
      Participant

      FREE

      Oh my god!  Are you me or am I you?  Should I still be so unsure???

      I started asking my mom to dress me up around 5 yrs old.  At some point between 5 and 9 this stopped.  At 9 I finally decided to “borrow” my moms clothes.  It started with closet meditation and went on to sleeping in femme.  I thought I was a gay cross dresser and wanted to come out to my parents by about 10.  Certain things would make me wish I was a girl (see quantum leap season 2 where Sam is trapped in a woman’s body…yes I know it’s weird and the clothes are terrible).  At 11 I started wearing girls underwear to school trying to build up to a point where I could come out to my peers.  I believe a turning point in my journey was when my friends noticed I was wearing panties.  It was like those nightmares where you are at school or work in your underwear but it was real.  I lost a lot of friends that day and decided I had to ignore the part of me that wanted to be accepted.  However in private I still dressed up, still had events where I wished I could have been born a woman.  I thought I was home free at puberty when I couldn’t stop thinking about girls (remember I thought my urges were because I was gay).

      Fast forward to maybe 24 when I was in the Navy and just lost 2 friends in an auto accident.  I decided to be myself…sort of.  I started dressing up again.  It was about this time that I met my wife.  Before we were married I showed her my Hosiery but made sure she understood it was to help manage skin irritations after shaving my legs (not really).  Also before getting married she found a pair of my heels (no I will not describe them…so ugly).  She flipped and I promised I would give it up.  She wanted me to dress up but only rarely and in private (I always thought it was a trap).  There have been times when I feel like we are going to end it and part of me gets excited about the idea of starting over and embracing my gender.

      In college I didn’t dress up ever except maybe once for Halloween (the only person not in costume).  I figured I was so busy I couldn’t think about anything but class.

      Within the past few years I have been dressing up a lot.  Especially the last few weeks.  As you said when I finally got into a full outfit and makeup I was finally able to see the woman that I had buried away for so long.  I “borrowed” my wife’s corset (otherwise I am a rectangle), one of her off the shoulder fit and flair mini dresses (surprisingly I think I pulled off the exposed shoulder…I think), her contacts, some lashes (didn’t feel like cleaning the mascara off of my actual lashes), a super cute wig with a red bow to hold one side of the bangs out of my face, nude hosiery with black cross hatching, and applied makeup (took multiple hour because it went about as horrible as I had expected being the first time).  I was so happy.  I had recently been going to sleep around 10pm but couldn’t get to sleep that night until 5 am (spent some time messing around with the hair to see what I could do with it).

      the next morning I was chatting with my wife and she noticed the terrible job I did at cleaning the eyeliner off.  At first I denied it and blamed it on FaceTime.  Before we said goodbye I admitted what I had done.  At first she seemed excited.  I was so relieved I couldn’t stop talking about it and how I couldn’t wait until she got home so we could go shopping and dress up together.  Afterwards she went from sadness to anger and finally to acceptance and love.

      The problem being she thinks it is just me being a cross dresser. I tried to tell her I wanted to go to transgender therapy “just to make sure.”  I started to tell her why I think I may be trans but she started balling.  I couldn’t see her so sad and when she said “I don’t want you to leave me” my heart wrenched.  I couldn’t do it but I got as far as admitting to trying to come out at 11 and how that turned out and how much It made me hate cliques and mainstream and anything accepted as a social norm.

      Since this she has been excited. I sort of promised to expand my sense of fashion for men’s clothes.  My goal is to try to get her to fall in love with me as a woman and maybe look at the options as far as hrt… or not… i’m Not sure.  I hope we can make this work.  I can’t afford to lose my family.

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      • #35746
         Tiffany Alexis 
        Participant

        SILVER

        I hope you and your wife are able to continue your journey together and with happiness…it sounds like she truly loves you for you and has an open mind, but has fears that I think most people would have…lotta hope tho in this story. I had an abusive marriage, so it’s end was a source of great relief for myself, but I miss my kids every second of the day. The dressing has come to light since the divorce started, which believe it or not kinda helped, cause she’s quite intolerant of such things, and I had to move out, which has helped tremendously as I can actually be myself now, and I’m not constantly screamed at…she doesn’t know bout my transition tho, and til the divorce is finalized, that’s fine. I was fortunate in that I found a career that I loved, and that helped me avoid many of the early adult life struggles others have had. My desire to be female never left, but it did sleep. Btw, I remember that quantum leap episode too, geez did I spend a lot of time wishing that would happen to me…at the time, I figured if that happened to me I’d just not complete the objective and spend the rest of my time as the girl lol…

         

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        • #35747
           Pfifer Zhang 
          Participant

          FREE

          Well it sounds like you are better off finding someone that is more laid back.  I hope you keep a healthy relationship with your kids.  I would like to think your  kids would be happy for you when you transition.  I think the younger generation is less inclined to accept classical social constructs.

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        • #35748
           Tiffany Alexis 
          Participant

          SILVER

          I sure hope so, I love those two little goobers so much 😊

        • #35752
           Kathleen Meridian 
          Participant

          FREE

          Being a parent is hard enough (if you’re doing it well). No manual and on call 24/7. It’s in “the contract “. Children are some kind of understanding – treat them with respect, at any age, and they will in your corner forever. Hide things from them and, well, no matter the age, they figure things out. Is all of this any different? Unchartered territory.

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    • #35679
       Miriya Paris 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Hello Tiffany, your discovery is one most of us have made one time or another.  I am sorry to hear about your marriage troubles, how old are your kids? To me sounds like you are in that euphoric stage of freedom lots of transgender folk find them selfs in when they 1st find what being themselves truly feels like.  I am sure your therapist has told you to enjoy and take your time with this phase as it will be fun as h3ll.  My advice to add is be safe along with that.  😃 I have seen a lot of girls in this stage do the proverbial ‘gone wild’.

       

      Miriya

      😃😃😉

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      • #35703
         Tiffany Alexis 
        Participant

        SILVER

        My boys are 7 and 5…it’s mainly due to the ongoing divorce that they know nothing yet…they will find out soon enough.

        yeah, I figured the euphoria phase doesn’t last forever, but I feel like it’s still got some time to run so I’m going to enjoy it. I know there is lotsa dark ahead, but I’m not going to dwell on that. It’ll at least be the true me facing it.

        • #35709
           Miriya Paris 
          Participant

          SILVER

          Well Tiffany, as I have been around too long in a hold pattern I have noticed the euphoric phase most go through last from any from six months and up to to three years in one girl.  So you have some time to enjoy.  I myself did it twice with a 10 year or so break in between.  First time lasted about eight months when I toted the CD line, second was about a year and a half when I was truly discovering myself.  Now I am just the mooping girl who wants but can not have when I go out.

          Miriya

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        • #35704
           Kathleen Meridian 
          Participant

          FREE

          Touché Stay true!

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  • #35663
     Chris Landwer 
    Participant

    FREE

    66

  • #35227
     Miriya Paris 
    Participant

    SILVER

    This is a question dear to my heart as it is for a lot of use here.  When did I suspect.  Well… I certainly had signs when younger: Trying to be like mommy in the tub around 4 with the bubbles, or playing Barbie’s with my sister where I got to be her little sis, or playing dress up in my mom’s stuff around 7. Or even in high school where I would lay awake at night day dreaming of being magically turned into a girl.  Maybe even collage where I finally bought my own clothing and dared to go out full fem, even if in secret.

    However my very first inkling that I was transgender was when I went to the TGEA support group in DC and met others who were from all areas of the T spectrum.  I was immediately lumped into and friended by the. TS girls and brought in like a sister.  However it was only an inkling as I was in self denial and towed the CD line.  I think they just smiled and said she will come around when she is ready.  However it still was in the back of my mind at this point.  Fast forward till about 8 years ago, and the full realization struck home, after reading Helen Boyd’s books.  From that point forward I had full realization that I was the preverbal woman trapped syndrome.  Unfortunately life has it’s little trials and the journey continues.

     

    Miriya

    🙂🙂😞

    • #35652
       Kathleen Meridian 
      Participant

      FREE

      My moment came much later in life. I already had accrued some beautiful things and a phase of wondering if I was more homosexual that yearned for pretty clothes. Then one day, I was sitting in an airport and across from me was this young (late teens) woman sitting across from me – actually, slouching in a chair. She was wearing tan leggings. Her legs were spread wide apart and I was drawn to that lovely flat area between her legs and knew I wanted to have that (not her). From that moment, till this moment, I keep myself proportioned so. My panties have become the defining aspect of each day – my coat of arms.

  • #34993
     Meran Berwyck 
    Participant

    I remember the first few times I was secretly crossdressing, I wondered how I could get away with wearing lingerie and female clothing around everyone.  In my early teens I was wearing it more but still secretly.  This continued for another decade, but I was beginning to have my own things, not a lot but enough to curb my ‘appetite’.  It was more of a struggle during my short brief 1st marriage.  I came out to my 2nd wife, who, hesitantly accepted it, as long as I didn’t take it out of the house.  It was okay for a few years, but she discovered it was taking over my life.  But it was keeping me at home!  The later six years of our 14-year marriage, she demanded that I keep it entirely to myself, not in front of her.  Talk about lowering the beam!  I was still dressing, but less occasionally, when she wasn’t home.  I also had a daughter to keep it from!  It was the hardest period of my life.  I wanted to be open, I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to live it, full time if I could.  But the only way to do that was living on my own – divorced.  It happened back in 1996.  Wow, what a relief it was.  But this time I had a full wardrobe of clothes, shoes and accessories that my ex had never known about.  It was only the dregs of society I had to deal with now.   One thing I learned though, it’s easier to come out (of the house) in a new area where no one knows your past.  I’ve moved several times since to make a new start, new job, etc.  I beat my old record of moving after 2 years in one place.  I’ve been at this present location five years.  I’m not happy here, I do intend on moving again and I’ll be officially retired too.

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  • #34992
     Jasmine Fletcher 
    Participant

    SILVER

    For me it started at age 4 when I tried on my Mum’s dressing gown (pink, soft and quilted).  It was the result of not getting my turn in a game of “princesses” a few months earlier in which the girl I was playing with tried it on and said it would be “my turn next.”  Unfortunately our Mother’s came upstairs and told us off for being in my parent’s bedroom, so I didn’t get my turn.  That annoyed me: I wanted to be a “princess”.

    Afterward trying it on I could smell pretty scents on me which made me wonder if that is why I wasn’t meant to wear “girls clothes” because they were impregnated with something that turned you female!  (After all, there had to be some reason for boys clothes and girls clothes being different.)  Rather than panic that such a thing could happen to me, I rather hoped that it would work that way.  The sweet smelling fairy dust would work its magic.

    Going to school just cemented my belief that I was on the wrong team.  The trouble is I started to fight against my beliefs in my early 20s before spending far too long in an ill-fated marriage.

    Today after a long talk with a psychiatrist, I have been referred to a G.I.C.  Not exactly fairy dust but it is a start.

     

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  • #33971
     Abby Williams 
    Participant

    FREE

    Always loved women’s clothes. Started cross dressing as a teen.  Liked feeling girly, but automatically dismissed any thoughts of transitioning out of fear.  I’m tall (6’3″) and have a large frame/build.  I guess I just thought there was no way could pass, so I didn’t want to get my hopes up.  That was the case until just  few months ago.  I continued dressing, but it just wasn’t cutting it any more.  I felt like I needed more.  That’s when I stated questioning my gender.  I sought out help from a therapist (who I LOVE seeing) and just talking openly and having someone actually see my feminine side without judgement changed me so much!

    I am now 31 years old and seriously weighing my options of transitioning to female.  The more I think about it, the more I want it.  I am feeling more feminine by the day, and that’s with zero hormone treatments.

    So, that’s me (Abby)!! 🙂

    Love and Hugs to all!!!! 🙂

    -Abby <3 <3 <3

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  • #33229
     Andriana Logan 
    Participant

    FREE

    I’ve known like all of us from a very young age. The first time I remember praying for God to make me a girl/woman I was 10. It was after that I started writing stories about becoming a woman. This grew into wearing female undergarments under my “boy clothes”. I have been in public off and on through the years and every time I do it I love it even more. I have tried to stop it but can’t. The last outing I went shopping I knew in my heart I will transition to full time someday. I’ll be a late bloomer but it’s not a race enjoy life 😉 .

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    • #33773
       Kensie 
      Participant

      FREE

      I have a very clear memory from when I was around the age of four, when all my playmates were girls, that I wanted to give one of my friends my “package” because I somehow knew she didn’t have one and *I* certainly didn’t want it!

      Flash forward to our move to Florida when I was 10 or so.  As an only child in a new environment, I had a lot of time to bounce around inside my mind and to explore my mother’s closet when she was out.  A wanna-be dancer, she subscribed to several catalogs and magazines featuring pretty women and girls in beautiful gowns and pages full of delightful dance costumes from leotards on up to formal ball gowns.  I poured over those magazines wishing I could be allowed to wear these things and do what I saw those dancers and models doing!

      I collected newspaper clippings (Yes, I said *newspaper*!  Everybody subscribed back in the olden daze!) of a pretty exercise maven named Debbie Drake, who wore leotards with pretty, feminine collars and demonstrated all manner of exercise positions.  Then came the majorettes in my Junior High and HS bands!  Oh my!

      Many years went by . . . I was 42 (in 1990) before I found out I was *not* the only person of the male persuasion who had these thoughts and feelings!  By then, however, it was too late . . . or so I had thought for the longest time!  I had already been married twice, sired two kids, and had no attraction to anyone of the male persuasion.  I must be a guy, right??  Yet, the desire to own feminine things and walk around in high heels when I could continued unabated.  What was a guy to do?

      Finally, in 1997, I met the love of my life, my soul mate, and, the woman who would ultimately become my beautiful bride in early 2000.  She loved me for all of who I was and so I had no reluctance to reveal all of me to her.  For quite some time during our marriage, I continued my occasional forays into femininity but still didn’t want to expose her to it nor did I feel the need to go further than dressing now and then.

      Time passed and we had a wonderful life together.  In recent years, however, after an extended period of stress and emotional ups and downs, I proposed to her that we get the girl out of the closet and explore all that might bring to our relationship, especially as something of a distraction from the trials of our everyday life.  We had great times shopping together and building a nice wardrobe for Kensie, the name we chose together.

      Eventually, we decided to take advantage of some counseling through the local LGBTQ support group to help reach an understanding of who I really was and how we could fully embrace whatever we might find.  I still was not considering transition, especially since I’d just turned 68.  Sadly, she passed away before we could get to that meeting.

      After the shock and sadness began to subside and casting around for some direction for my life to take, I decided to reschedule the appointment, mostly out of curiosity.  About the same time, I became a regular in the chatroom on Crossdresser Heaven.

      With the revelations of the LGBTQ support folks, along with the encouragement of my new friends on CDH, I began think back to my youth and review all the feelings that I had long suppressed.  Add that to my increasing desires to spend more and more time in my feminine presentation and the seeds of transition began to put down roots.  So it was, at the age of 70, that I began HRT.

      Now, at 71, I’m in the process of jumping through all the necessary hoops to undergo an appropriate version of bottom surgery to finally get rid of that “package” which I’ve wanted to do since that early childhood dream so very long ago!

      Kensie, who so enjoys being a girl!

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      • #33780
         Cloe (CC) Webb 
        Managing Ambassador

        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        You’re beautiful, Kensie.  I’m so happy for you and proud to have been around to witness your own journey of discovery.  Lave ya girl!

    • #33762
       Amelia 
      Participant

      SILVER

      I remember telling my mum when about 6 years old that I thought that as part of growing up I would transform into a girl, she just laughed, and, from that point on life became  one long disappointment, interspersed with the occasional crossdressing experience. Now I am Amelia interspersed with the necessary male dressing experience, dreaming of the day when I too can rid myself of this “Junk” between my legs.

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  • #33216
     Tia 
    Participant

    FREE

    O.M.G. The 1st time I was intimate with a female. In my mind I actually critiqued her nails,hair. and clothes. I knew something wasn’t right but it didn’t hit home until 1980 in the Navy. I had my 1st bottom experience with an awesome man and it was reminiscent of being in Times Square on New Years Eve when his front thighs touched my  back thighs. it was a “OH WHAT A FEELING TOYOTA MOMENT MMMMMmmmmm

    So I started renting motel rooms and cross dressing and Here I am. world!                          Xs Tracee

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  • #33214
     Marianne Tornander 
    Ambassador

    AMBASSADOR - EDITOR

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>For me to answer, the question is perhaps not the ultimate one as I hitherto haven’t felt an absolute need to transition. I have however wanted to be a girl, and subsequently a woman, ever since my young childhood around the age of 6, and I have at least partly identified as one. Before the age of about 30, I had however no idea of transitioning even being possible, only having heard the odd mentioning of transvestites as something more or less tragic and disgusting. As so many others I prayed to God to let me wake up as a complete girl, a divine intervention being the only possible solution percieved to my secret longing. Then came the day I sat down by my PC, opening AltaVista, and with typing transvestite in the search field the world was changed – or perhaps not.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>As I learnt about the different possibilities to achieve the goal of my dreams I also understood that I had effectively closed the door by recently entering a marriage and planning to start a family. To begin with, I thought being in a relation and having a family would make my wish to be a woman diminish and possibly go away completely. Off course I was totally wrong. With access to clothes and shoes in my own sizes the urges only grew as I saw I could actually make a not only decent, but quite good looking woman. The care for my family and the possible social stigma from going public with my desires still held me back, and also the fact that I still didn’t know of any ‘ordinary’ persons going through the procedures. After self diagnosing having Parkinson’s in the summer of 2012 I decided I had to at least try out functioning as a woman in public settings to find out if a transition to a female role would be possible and something I really could live with.</p>
    Today I find myself at a point there I more or less consider myself a transgender woman. I am sure I could successfully transition, but the concerns for my wife and children as well as the ongoing development of my illness still prevents me from taking the step. I still want to transition but I yet don’t feel I have to – and possibly never will.

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    • #33861
       Debbie Lynn 
      Participant

      FREE

      your last paragraph is exactly how I feel.
      Never been out dressed in public , would love to , just to see what is would be like. Also how I felt being dressed in public.
      thanks for you post.
      Debbielynn

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  • #31406
     Tami C 
    Participant

    After 40-45 years of hiding and denying it, trying to find relief in a life of decadence and promiscuity, relatively sure that I would “get over it” someday, I found myself living with my third ex-wife, a woman who I credit with having saved my life on more than one occasion and in whom I had finally confided that I was indeed homosexual.

    She and I had become the best of friends since our painful divorce several years earlier and on one nondescript Saturday afternoon, a few short months ago,  she presented me with two plastic garbage bags nearly full of lingerie of hers that she had initially intended to throw away but subsequently decided, in her golden-hearted generosity, to offer to me as a tender gift.

    To say that that simple loving gesture changed the course of my life would be, at best, an understatement. Apparently, she knew me better than I knew myself. Those soft, pretty garments and the fact that she had given them to me, set my heart free and it was okay to be me.

    My closet and dressers are currently overflowing with beautifully feminine articles of all types and styles. I own a pair of silicone breasts, worn frequently. I am doing my own makeup, sometimes quite nicely I might add. I own two wigs but haven’t found the right one yet. I present myself as a woman in public on occasion, though fear still limits this activity somewhat. Most significantly, I haven’t thought about killing myself in months and those insipid thoughts used to occompany me almost daily.

    I don’t know how far I will go in my transition and that’s okay, but I do know that I am at peace with who I am…finally.

     

    4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #33178
       lisatremaine 
      Participant

      SILVER

      OMG I cant believe it, the more I read of other peoples journey through life, just how near it is to mine, we could be talking about the same person me. I knew very early in life around 4 I think, most of my friends were girls and I thought I was one of them, until one day I happened to see one of the girls naked…we were playing in her house…front room…no adults around and decided we would take all our clothes off…I couldnt understand why I had this grotesque grouth between my legs and she had a slit (vagina) of course I soon realise I was a boy and boys had a penis and not a vagina. From that day forth I have hoped and prayed my penis would wither and die…alas that is never going to happen, but its so painfull, and frustrating this, as by the sound of it on this site so are many many others

      2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #29421
     Lara Banks 
    Participant

    FREE

    Since I was in my teens , but embarrassed and only now accepting i cant fight it and need do something about it..

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #28595
     gail Storm 
    Participant

    FREE

    I distinctly  remember at a very young age, perhaps 8 or 9, of being envious of girls as they seemed so together, and so very attractive.

    This envy was intensified at the age of ~12, and was coupled with a very strong embarrassment when it came to my penis (penis resentment you might say).

    It was around this time I became enamored of dressing up as a girl, thanks to a kind or bored babysitter, and especially makeup which seemed to offer  an entry to a whole new world, or to be more precise a whole new me.

    The idea of transitioning for a long time was in a completely different universe, and although I was dimly aware of the possibility I never thought it terms of something possible for me.

    It was only in my late 50s that I first entertained the possibility that a MTF transition was something I could do.

    The realization was both exhilarating and frightening.

    Exhilarating because it dawned on me this possibility is one I had always secretly even to myself dreamed of, and frightening because I knew that not doing this would just be one more failure I’d have to learn to live with.

    3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #33662
       Joy Douglas 
      Participant

      FREE

      I can so much identify with your experience. Thank you for sharing

    • #33179
       lisatremaine 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Oh god yes another person just like me…I cant believe it. Youve just described me hugz

      • #33180
         Tia 
        Participant

        FREE

        Ur welcome and don’t B a stranger Hun.

        Xs Tracee

  • #24670
     Skyler Anne 
    Participant

    FREE

    Good morning ladies. Im new here and was browsing around and came across this. It’s an excellent question. I can count 3 separate instances Where I’ve felt me desire to transition.

    The first came when I was very young. I can remember as early as 5 or so wishing I could figure out why I seemed so different. It struck me hard a couple years later when I realized what was different about me. I hoped and prayed every night that somehow something would magically change.

    As I grew into my teen years, I found my parents true beliefs on the topic of not only gender and gender identity, but on sexual orientation as well. Gay was a sin and god doesn’t make mistakes. Period. A family friend transitioned while I was a teenager. While I applauded her for her courage and drive to find herself, my parents exiled her. I inviting her from family parties saying “maybe this isn’t the right party for you to attend”. I was horrified at their beliefs and actions but couldn’t let anything show. So back behind closed doors I went. I hid for the next 12 years. Taking on overly masculine roles, drinking too much and struggling with substance abuse. 5 years ago, I hit a breaking point. My life was in a tailspin and I couldn’t control it. I realized what it all stemmed from  but had the sense that I could do nothing to change it. That year was my darkest time in my life. I was on the edge and ready to jump. Literally. I tried taking my own life 3 times that year. The thought of what it would do to my family was one of the only things that gave me strength to hold myself from doing anything. I also became more driven than before to discover who I really am. Taking my life would have never allowed me to see my potential and I saw what I had to do for a second time.

    Now five years later I’m happy to say that those thoughts have never come back up. I still struggle with depression and anxiety daily but I’m no longer to that level of suicide. I continued to hide still fearing my parents unaccepting thoughts. Recently I enrolled in therapy as my depression was starting to spiral again. I found myself breaking down, crying over seemingly nothing then making excuses for it. My third realization that I want to transition came last week at my session. My therapist asked that I come as Skyler. She wanted me to be comfortable and wanted to see how it made me feel. When she asked how I felt being seen as Skyler, I broke down. It felt right. It felt natural. I told her I wish I could live life this happy and confident every day. The only thing holding me back is my fiancé. She supports me but gave me the striking shot the other night. “I love you and support you. You can wear whatever you want, just as long as you don’t decide you’re transgender or want a sex change”. I have to tread lightly. My biggest fear is losing her and my son. My second biggest fear is never being abke to be the woman I know I am.

    Sorry this is so long winded. I just started typing and couldn’t find somewhere to stop lol

    6 users thanked author for this post.
  • #23623
     Meeka Hawkins 
    Participant

    FREE

    For me it was never a question of suspecting that I needed to transition; once I decided that I was transgender my path was clear.

    Of course this didn’t happen until right before my 57th birthday and four months after I had filed for divorce.

    I remember the date and the moment when it happened for me.  It was September 11, 2017 and I was halfway through another day at my crappie job.  I had just finished reading a book by Janet Mock (love kindle) and I realized that I had more in common with Janet and the other trans authors than with anyone else in my life.

    All those little moments when I realized that the authors and I were traveling down the same road and I had only arrived at the first of many signs that I was going the right way, that I was not alone and that I too can make the journey.

    Still on that road but loving the journey.

    Love

    Meeka

    3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #23639
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      When I was struggling with the thoughts of whether crossdressing was enough and how much or whether I should go full time I spent a lot of effort chatting with people and reading writings to get perspectives.  I really didn’t want to leave ay facet of transition life undiscovered and something I might regret no knowing before making that final leap of faith. I really do think the effort paid off in helping me to have few regrets.  Do I wish some things in my life were better, certainly.  But the goal of just being happy in myself is the guiding light that keeps me true to course.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #23403
     gina brown 
    Participant

    FREE

    i have been fighting this life long in the last 10 yrs in the summer short jean shorts shaved legs and a tank top and ad some bling /i started to model and one thing led to the next with many changes in the look i wanted and out came me the real me i put on the nice top in my photo size 15 jeans and it was there the look i wanted the new me /i have been out in public with this look  and pull it off nice the town i live in still is backwards so i have to use good taste and not over kill /i try to find balance in my looks and who i really am pushing the boundrys some and some times the shock on someones face is priceless / i am having fun we have come a long way i was born when johnson was president it is about time after all these years we can finally just be who we are

    2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #23637
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      It is amazing how the real us shines through when dressed in ways that reflect our spirit.  No more shroud of secrecy to keep us hidden.  It’s like a spring flower in full bloom.  You go girl!

      1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #19205
     alan tharp 
    Participant

    FREE

    all my life I dream of being a girl, only when my health turn did I truly decide to turn into a girl, it was a question from my doctor that open up my past and had been block from me for over 50 years. I try to fit into the world as an Alfa male only I always fail for I was still an outcast for I hated to do thing other men love to do. I have never been happy and my felling had been crush. once I discover two month ago that I had been born a girl, I knew it was time for me to go back to being a girl only I did not know how for it was only as a infant that I was girl. now 58 years later I happy learning herbs and health and making my own beauty formula that really work. I now look as If I am in my Forty and shooting to look like I am in my twenty. I have many health problem only now I am curing them one by one with herbs, vitamin, foods, and formula I make for myself. I could not afford a good weight lost pills so I made my own very cheap and have lost fifty six pound so far on a no excise diet plan. I have not yet started HRT but I near to curing my baldness and my hair is past my shoulder after two month. another formula of mine had stop over half of the hair on my face from growing back. Being a girl is fun to make myself look better every day. I reverse my eye bags and have got my eye lashes and eye brow to grow.  I cannot take estrogen because of blood clog so I am researching herbs to formulate a natural estrogen. as I look more and more like a girl I will have to learn on how to walk, talk, dress, do makeup, I know nothing about any of this.  My breast are growing because my body is product more estrogen than testosterone on it own.  my nose is becoming smaller and lip are starting to become more female like. I did not know that estrogen could do all of this. I am almost ready to get the materials to formulate my own HRT formula. my most major change is for my skin turning from very oily to very dry expectedly on my arms, hands and face. I am also getting shorter I have lost three inches in height so far and still getting shorter. so I am transition even though I have not started transition on my own by taking drugs. what I will really need along with friends is help on how to act like a girl. Brenda2222

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    • #19226
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Hi Brenda.  Welcome to TGH.  It certainly sounds like you’ve found some things that work fro you despite some obstacles.  We don’t advocate self medication here as it is quite dangerous to the point of potentially fatal.  At the least I would hope that you have a MD overseeing your health through your transition.
      As far as behaving like a girl, we can help describe things that helped us figure things it.  But let me say, my best teaching technique was to observe girls themselves and figure out what make how they move and speak unique.  Just don’t make them uneasy while you’re observing.  They’re human too and deserve our utmost respect.  You can try out the things you see and video yourself  too  to see if you ‘re getting it right.  Hope all this helps.

      Hugs, Cloe

  • #14073
     Anonymous

    Jennifer you are so right ! Had I been forced into therapy in 1972 when I was caught fully dressed and made up in mother’s things who knows what kind of horrors would have been tried. Just the abuse by our stepfather alone would read like a case in a psychological pathology book. So much I have had to deal with alone. So much scaring suppressed for so long. It is no wonder the crisis which brought my to my senses took sixty years to become undeniable. My walls were high and strong until I was not strong then the house of cards came down. Better late than never. And better now than in the past as far as therapy.

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #12971
     Steph Di Firenze 
    Participant

    FREE

    Like many who have written or commented here the first inklings for me have been there for 20 or more years. But growing up in the 60’s through to the 80’s in a religious family meant that there was opportunity or even information that have suggested an alternative to being the gender I was born as. Even after my marriage of 21 years ended I did not associate my feelings of being different with being transgender. Experimenting with crossdressing was more as a way to break out of conservative sexual roles. My partner supported my desire to be less conservative and become a more impulsive and spontaneous person. This support led to my first transvestite experience. This singular event has given me the insight into my long suppressed feelings of being different. While that has been a revelation for me, it has not been welcomed by my partner. There are many reasons why my partner has expressed reluctance for me to pursue my preferred gender, some are personal while others related to wanting to protect me (given the environment where I worked). So I am now in the position of finally knowing that I am transgender and not being able to actively pursue my preferred gender.

    Life has also intervened and I have retired as well as moving to a new country. So I am in an enforced hiatus while waiting for what few femme items I have to arrive in my new country. I still want to explore how I feel as a woman before I can consider fully transitioning. I know that if I choose to transition, it will only be possible once my partner has passed away. Given my age and how long it may be before I am in a position to consider fully transitioning may preclude me actually achieving my goal.

    Steph

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  • #9377
     Danielle Fox 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Hello everyone,

    For those who knew they wer transgender, was in a marriage, and wanted to get HRT and even consider transitioning with the sex reassignment surgery, how did your wife react? Was she in denial of what you needed? Did she think it was all a phase that would pass? When it didn’t pass did she get wickedly angry and want a divorce? Did she even announce that there was a mutual decision to get a divorce? When there wasn’t. How did you react? Did you try and save the marriage by not going for the HRT and transitioning surgery and settle for just dressing up?

    I am so confused, hurt, angry, and I really love my wife. This is a third marriage but the other two didn’t know of my secret. I have nobody to talk to or turn to for advice and guidance. I do go to my first counseling session tomorrow. She, my wife, is so premature about this who meltdown so I haven’t even found out if I truly want to become a full time woman!!! I am so angry about this whole situation that I wantto just disappear, leave and never come back! Move and have I contact with my children, wife, brothers and their families nor friends! Fall off the face of the earth. Did anyone feel this way about their marriage? What did you do or how did you handle it? You need to know that my wife is on serious depression medicine and she wanted to give me one of her breasts last night…….I found out this morning when I told her goodbye before going to work. She moved into the spare bedroom two days ago. I love her so much that I would die for her and it will feel like it if I don’t move forward and it will feel like it if I let her have a divorce so I can move forward! Sorry to ramble but if I had tears to cry I’d have a river in my living room. I am so alone! I had to close out my CDH account last night abruptly or she was going to go absolutely crazy mad! I don’t even know if it had any effect on what is going on. She hate me talking about our situation with complete strangers on a website! That may be the only reason why she wanted me to delete my account. She wants to be who I am but she also wants this to be only a phase I’m going through. Wear panties to work, hose and heels with panties a couple times a month, etc. No breastforms until I grow my own, no feminine figure, no softened face, and definitely no surgery. Be drab during the day and partially fab in the evening. But on weekends? No going out, no support groups….anyway I need to finish this as she will be home soon from work and the unfriendly and antagonistic atmosphere will begin. I feel so scared…..so feminine inside so lost. Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️ to you all 💋👠

    Danielle

     

    • #9770
       Vanessa Law 
      Managing Ambassador

      SILVER

      Dear I’m so sorry to hear. This is such a tricky situation, for both of you. My first marriage didn’t survive my journey to transition, and if I’m honest, that was only part of the reason it didn’t work.

      As hard as it is, I encourage you to sit a little bit with the thoughts of all the turmoil she is going through as well. This is as challenging for her as for you.

      Dear, you are welcome here. Please know that you need friends and support for this journey, whether here or close to where you live.

      Hugs,

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #12575
         Anonymous

        I can say this never forget who you are! I love every thing about me and who I am ! My male side had a bad life of abuse from family my adopted family that is they never said a kind word to me! I was abused physically and mentally and now I fight depression daily! I try not to think about the past a all but sometimes its hard to do! I try to dress as much as I can for its my way of life I feel that I must live ! I am a kind and loving lady who does not judge anyone nor do I want to be judged by any one! Its good to have ladies like myself to talk to when I need help or someone’s advice on things!

        5 users thanked author for this post.
  • #9345
     Meeka Hawkins 
    Participant

    FREE

    Looking back over the years I realize that I knew then I was seven.  I clearly remember praying to god to be changed into a girl.  There were many more events like this over the years but growing up during the 60’s and 70’s only taught me how to hide it all behind a macho facade.

    It wasn’t until last year after ending my third marriage for 14 years that I started reading stories of transgender women and what their childhood was like.  I found myself saying to myself “that happened me to” or “I remember doing that for the same reason” and it slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t just a guy with a crossdressing fetish but an actual transgender person.  I was starting to believe.

    This year I started HRT and all it took was two weeks to silence the doubts of who I am.  Now I have to find out who I could be.

    Meeka

    • #9772
       Vanessa Law 
      Managing Ambassador

      SILVER

      “Now I have to find out who I could be” sent chills down my spine dear. You’ve got such a beautiful journey ahead of you!

      3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #8941
     sharri roberts 
    Participant

    FREE

    Hi everyone….like so many oof us I knew there was something different  about me . I didn’t know what or why but I just sweet like the other boys. Having a father that could never accept that his son had feminine tendencies  i did what most of us did and suppressed my true self. It wasn’t till i was in my late 30’s and was invited to a halloween costume party which my now ex-wife after much resistance from me convinced me to go as a woman and she as a man. She said she would make me look great which she definately did. I wasn’t allowed  to look at myself until she was finished. When I saw myself in that full length mirror it was as if everything suddenly became crystal clear all the years of frustration and not understanding became instantly evident. Well that night started a journey I could no longer deny. My marriage ended and my femme side grew and grew. It’s the most liberating experience ever.

  • #8842
     elizebeth Lawson 
    Participant

    FREE

    I can remember as a young child not being able to figure out why I could not were the pretty dresses my sisters did. I was always tring to get some of the girls bras and panties to were I was not real interested in most boy stuff. So if there is a quick answer to this question I would say 3 or maby 4 years of age.

    3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #8517
     Cassandra McDaniel 
    Participant

    SILVER

    I had always wanted to be a woman since about the age of 4 I knew I was in the wrong body. I use to go to bed hoping I’d wake up as a woman. I always had more girls as friends than guys and did girls things growing up and really didn’t have many guy friends. It really didn’t take me much thought about becoming a woman, I knew it was always something I wanted to do and it helped that my parents and family accepted me as a woman but they knew I had always want to be one. After my transition started I would get goosebumps thinking about being a woman it made me feel really good and at the end when my transition was complete you wouldn’t even notice that I was ever a man. I look like I was born a woman and I love it everything worked out perfectly pretty much. At first when I had to go to the bathroom it made me a little nervous to be going into the women’s restroom but I got use to that and now have no problem and have never got a second look not even once. I’m so happy I was able to complete my dream of becoming a woman.

  • #5734
     Patricia Harding 
    Participant

    FREE

    Was just a couple of years ago that the thought of transition started in my mind.  My wife noticed first and has been not only supporting, but has helped me to see and understand myself better.  We both regret we did not explore this earlier.

    7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #5821
       Vanessa Law 
      Managing Ambassador

      SILVER

      What a blessing dear!! I’m so glad you have someone so close supporting you on your journey!

  • #3826
     Patricia Allen 
    Participant

    FREE

    I told my wife about the clothes and she was ok if I did it when no one was in. She said if it was any more my marriage would be over.

    Over the years, I’ve had many such ultimatums from my wife.  Little by little she has accepted more of my feminine nature.  I think it’s payback for my efforts in becoming a good husband.   I’m not whipped, but I am attentive.  Do your best to be the husband she needs and she’ll, more than likely, learn to accept more and more of your trans nature.  (I think it’s a matter of fear she’ll loose you to the feminine side and end up alone.)  Don’t expect a dramatic turnaround, but an incremental, step by step acceptance.

    That’s how my wife went from just where you wife is to being OK with me on HRT.  Any surgery is still up in the air.

    8 users thanked author for this post.
  • #3808
     Tara 

    For me, I knew at a really young age. As a child, I was always friends with other little girls and didn’t really care for boy stuff. My parents and older brothers often chastised me for “acting gay.” One of my aunts (not knowing that I really wanted to be a girl) once told me that if I could kiss my elbow, I would magically turn into a girl.  I probably nearly broke my arm/neck on several occasions trying to do so.

    I had plans when I was 17 to run away and change my identity and live the rest of my life as a girl. But “love” got in the way… that and twisted religious views. What I wouldn’t give to go back and change it all now and live as a girl from a young age. If only time travel were possible.

    4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #3819
       Danielle Fox 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Amen Tara! Set

      the go back machine for 30 years ago and I just left the USAF and that would have been perfect for me. Even 20 years ago then it would be me who leaves the marriage, lol! Hugs and love💋👠

      Danielle

  • #3635
     Stephanie Rigoni 
    Participant

    FREE

    Well there’s a lot of honest and hard feelings in this thread—and that’s good. But I’ll lighten it up a bit with a sweet but true personal anecdote. When I was a child I would take bubble baths. I used to push all the bubbles to one side of the tub and sit on the other. I’d pretend once the bubbles touched me I’d become a girl. I always made certain they did. That’s probably when I knew.

    • #3774
       Vanessa Law 
      Managing Ambassador

      SILVER

      Oh I love this dear!

  • #3029
     Danielle Fox 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Hello Vanessa,

    I always got along better with the girls than with the guys. I played sports and climbed trees, rope swings, dirt bikes and some of the other things a teen does. I didn’t date often, just enough to be a guy. But something was so different between myself and the guys. I didn’t feel that I belonged. I just didn’t fit in no matter how much I tried I was just not one of the guys. 4 year letterman in HS for football and track, I was a center in football and threw the javelin and shot put in track. I was not a big body but not small either. I had quick feet, a good stance and a good arm. But no matter what, I still preferred to be around the girls and, almost all of the girls in my class were friends with me. My experience with sex was quite limited because when I did date it was more as friends than for making out. I loved to dance and admired the dresses and shoes the girls wore to the big HS dances. But as sometimes happens I had to get married when I was young. Then all thoughts of dresses and being with the girls had to stop so I could raise a family. Many years later and marriage #3 I am very lucky to have an accepting and supporting wife. I am able to wear lingerie around her and I love her so much. Lately my thoughts have been very intense when I remember HS and my girl friends and wishing I could have been born a girl. I realize that before my first marriage I would have seriously considered transitioning to a woman rather go on as a guy. But that was not how things were in the 70s. A guy was a guy and a girl was a girl and a guy who wore girls things had a mental problem. But now………. If I were 20 or 30 years younger and it was this day and age – absolutely I want to transition! Life has taken a toll on my body, mind, and spirit. I don’t think I could survive the rigors of transitioning. I am happy being able to dress as a woman and even let my hair down, so to speak, and feel like a woman around my wife. I will find a counselor to help me and to really determine if I am transgender. Just knowing will put my mind at ease. Knowing that for my whole life I have not been crazy I was just born the wrong gender will allow me to be at ease with myself as I am now. No worries and life has some strange ways of working out. I actually believe that I am a lesbian at heart because I love being with the girls and being “with” the girls😁. TTFN💋👠

    Danielle

     

    <hr />

    Hey

  • #2542
     Ginnie Gidlund 
    Participant

    FREE

    bout 5 years before the real transition. I had a terrible night when I had terrible dreams for about 3/4 hour and cried 1/4 and then it came back the same again.In the mrning I went to the acute meical station here and told about the terrible dreams. I really thought this was because stree in the job, but the doc gave me internet adresses to the TS organisations here in weden after a shoert time I tried to go back to the job, but that did not work so my employer sent me to a spyc doctor and he sent me home and that kept me off my job for about 5 months. Slowly I decided to lollow the first advice. After some time I found that there was possibly some truth in the first diagnoseA,d after about four month I got the psy doc to refere me o a TS/TG specialist. I send my paper but nothing was heard from the hospital.After two months or so I got a mesage that tole that on doctor that had helped TSTG persons earlier, bud he would return from his reriement to help me. By now it had passed 2 years since I firs had some ideas of what was to happen. And then Ll went along the standards of care from WPATH. Just a mall problem with the op that forced me to stay 2 weeks in the hospital instead of the 8 syas that ws normal.
    Ginnie

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  • #2514
     Anonymous

    What Jenn said is so true. My mother feminized me between four and six and I loved it from that first moment she put lipstick on my lips. She was also crossdressing my biological father. However it alienated my grandfather. And the other men in my family so she dad split I manned up. Then she married a sexual predator who raped me and my brother for seven years. This cemented the dislike of men I have had since and fueled a spate of fully dressing in my mother’s clothes and makeup from fourteen to sixteen when my brother caught me and outed me. This was the early seventies and the reaction was counseling which I barely managed to sidestep by suddenly amping the man juice by taking advanced SCUBA training and various dangerously manly pursuits which turned it into experimental behavior only, yeah right. High school social pressure kept the man juice going into my twenties and I married and worked high pay dangerous construction and demolition projects but as that marriage ended because she said I was to feminine my dressing cane back. But as I lived in a tiny rural town as a single dad it HAD to stay hidden. Then I met the woman I am in love with. She had had a lesbian relationship and is attracted to my softer side. But now that I have shed the male mask and want to physically feminize I am fearful of her reaction.

    god I apologize for going on and on. Like I said truly the floodgates are open in my heart

    4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #3815
       Tara 

      Maria! You are such an amazing woman. Your story is much like many of us who have suppressed our true selves and emerged ourselves in hypermasculinity to try to hide (military career for me). In the end, I think we all still have to face the truth that we can’t hide or run from our true self. I’m so happy for you that you have someone in your life who’s accepting and loving.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #3817
         Anonymous

        Bless you my dear Tara your kind words humble me.

        💋💗

  • #2280
     ‘Eave 
    Participant

    FREE

    When did I know? I would say sometime between 6 and 8. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have both. I have always wanted to be both since the first time I can remember sing a person of the opposite sex nude. I think I even asked my mother and her reply was there are differences between girls and boys. I wondered why, may have even asked why but I never got an answer that I could believe in. So, when mom was away, I played with her makeup and clothes.

    3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #2234
     Vanessa Law 
    Managing Ambassador

    SILVER

    Hi Venessa… I think I knew since I was young that something just wasn’t right, I really didn’t know what it was but I just never really got along with the boys and their interests just didn’t interest me. As I got older I stuck around the house and Mom taught me how to cook,bake and everything else. This really did nothing for the father son bonding and was told over and over by him that I had to “act like a man and stop acting like a sissy”. I prayed every night that God would fix me and make me normal. I tried so hard to be the man my father wanted, I ended up getting married and having two wonderful boys but that ache was still there no matter what I did.

    It wasn’t till we got internet that i learned about Transgender but when ever I did a search 99% of the time would come back with porn and I knew that wasn’t me. When I turned 50 is when I had enough,my deepening depression caused the marriage to break up and I had ended up in the hospital a few times,it wasn’t till my Doctor told me that what ever I was running from I had better turn and face it is going to kill you.I sought counselling and with the counselor’s help I started my transition at 54 years of age. Most Everybody has been really good my Boys and good friends just told me that they knew and were glad that I am becoming my authentic self, which is pretty awesome.

    So if anybody says they are to old to transition I say you are never to old to be you!

    Love I am so glad you found your authentic self <3 <3

    5 users thanked author for this post.
  • #1046
     Alana Wood 
    Participant

    FREE

    I am really struggling with this. What started as a bit of a sexual fetish if I am honest now has changed and I’m in a nightmare of a place. I am 40 , married and have 2 young children but I now know that I want to transition. I told my wife about the clothes and she was ok if I did it when no one was in. She said if it was any more my marriage would be over. I’m now struggling to deal with everything . Hope everyone else is ok too xx

    2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #1075
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Alana, reaching out is a good step in helping deal with the struggle.  In retrospect I wish I had sought professional counseling when I reached your current state.  I’d be happy to talk to you about it.
      Hugs, Cloe

      4 users thanked author for this post.
  • #919
     Jaime P. 
    Participant

    FREE

    When I forced myself to be honest about who I was, I felt that wearing women’s clothes was a start and not a destination.  When I allowed myself to behave naturally, it was in a feminine way.  Before transitioning, I would always have to act like a man.  Now, I never question that anything that I do is not feminine.  Right now, I am on HRT.  I am looking forward to getting surgery.

     

    Also, it is never too late.  I started in my 40’s.  There is always a way.  I am in support group where people started transitioning later than I did.  Each one of them are happy that they did.

    5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #1073
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Jamie, I’m at that point of being on HRT for 6 months and with divorce about complete am finding it very hard to stop thoughts of bottom surgery.  It’s been half a lifetime since I first knew I needed to do this and finally doing something about it.  Hope to keep touch with you on our journeys.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #917
     Deborah Sim 
    Participant

    FREE

    Hi Venessa… I think I knew since I was young that something just wasn’t right, I really didn’t know what it was but I just never really got along with the boys and their interests just didn’t interest me. As I got older I stuck around the house and Mom taught me how to cook,bake and everything else. This really did nothing for the father son bonding and was told over and over by him that I had to “act  like a man and stop acting like a sissy”. I prayed every night that God would fix me and make me normal. I tried so hard to be the man my father wanted, I ended up getting married and having two wonderful boys but that ache was still there no matter what I did.

    It wasn’t till we got internet that i learned about Transgender but when ever I did a search 99% of the time would come back with porn and I knew that wasn’t me. When I turned 50 is when I had enough,my deepening depression caused the marriage to break up and I had ended up in the hospital a few times,it wasn’t till my Doctor told me that what ever I was running from I had better turn and face it is going to kill you.I sought counselling and with the counselor’s help I started my transition at 54 years of age. Most Everybody  has been really good my Boys and good friends just told me that they knew and were glad that I am becoming my authentic self, which is pretty awesome.

    So if anybody says they are to old to transition I say you are never to old to be you!

    6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #1070
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Deborah, I’m happy you were able to live your authentic life.  I met a girl last night who had FFS after 70 and GRS at 75.  She was there with her wife of 51 yrs.  It’s never too late.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #12648
         Anonymous

        I’m not sure what to write. I am going to turn 70. I remember telling my older sister that I wanted to be a girl when I was 5. I First dressed at puberty in my moms clothes. We were same size and it was heaven. I have suppressed for decades and cannot make a decision. I would love to go on hormones and am trying to move forward. I love reading all your comments. Thank you so much.

  • #893
     Kerin Kelley 
    Participant

    FREE

    I think I new all along but for a million reasons chose to push these thoughts and feelings aside. I never really fit in with other boys or had common interests with them. As I got older the guys I was around would see a pretty girl and talk about how much they wanted to be with her. I played along but what I remember thinking is that I wanted very much to BE her and felt jealous of girls that they got to be who they were. I eventually conformed and married and had 3 beautiful daughters which I love but it was hard to see them grow into women like I dtsti feel I should have. I have secretly cross dressed most of my life but never feel “right” as me. Sorry for rambling and the fact that I’m not a very good writer. I am hoping to get to know some of you that have had similar experiences and see how you coped. Thanks Vanessa for the site and opportunity to get this out to

     

    6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #1068
       Cloe (CC) Webb 
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Kerin, my coping was done through wearing things underneath my drab clothes.  For 25 yrs, while rassing my family,  that sustained me.  I found I could limit it to a few panties and pantyhose.  The hose purged themselves and the panties were easy enough to hide.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #888
     Dame Veronica Graunwolf 
    Participant

    Me…..in my mid 30’s.  Never got around to it….now too old.

    Dame Veronica

    Dame Veronica Graunwolf

    3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #849
     Dame Veronica Graunwolf 
    Participant

    Jennifer….hi sweetie!  It is never too late to go for your dream. Do the research into what is required and what you will go thru….it is expensive, painful and takes quite a while to complete. You want to be sure your body/mind can take this change and physical condition and age can have a huge impact upon whether or not this route can be taken. There are many tales about those who delayed such decisions and now live with the regret of could have, should have and so on. The decision can be very damaging to family life and to friends as well. This is not to be taken lightly….once done there is no going back. Do contact your local LGBT organization and talk to as many of them as is possible before making a decision. The more info….the better.

    I am here for you if you wish to chat more about this….my door is always open.

    Dame Veronica

    Dame Veronica Graunwolf

    5 users thanked author for this post.
  • #847
     Jennifer James 
    Participant

    Hi Vanessa…I think I knew that there was something more than a an infatuation with women’s clothing when I was in college. I admired girls but wanted to be like them.  I wanted to look like them.  Then of course I went through stages of wrestling with the way I was born and who I wanted to be. My experience was similar to yours. I wished that someone would invent a pill that I could take and wake up in a new body.  Now I am older and dearly want to transition.  I can’t express how much I wish I would have done it earlier in my life.

    Jennifer

    5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #8671

      I understood it ‘s  was something         “ment-to-be special” as early as         between 3-5 year old ☺!when I was about    7-11 years I understood it better since I “borrowed” my mom and sisters cloths and my sisters dolls and toys ;-I told my mom   & dad but they always think&see it as if I was homo (a man loving another man)          It make’s me WERY,WERY SAD 😂😂😂😭😭😭😓😓😓

    • #2477
       Jennifer 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Hi Jennifer

      Unfortunately for most of us here, had we sought help at an earlier age we would have been subjected to horrendous ridicule, turned over to a psychologist for horrible mental manipulation or torture. There are so many resources for teens today that didn’t exist in our day. So there is no wonder that there are so many of us of our age trying to deal at a late point in our life. So don’t regret not starting earlier, it’s just happenstance that we were born when we were. If we hid it probably ended up being a life saver for us then. Thank God those days are going away and now we all have resources even though the path might be a little different.

      Jenn

      4 users thanked author for this post.

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