OMG! I forgot to wipe off the lipstick! It was the thought I had as I stood in line at the convenience store waiting to pay for my gas that morning. There was also that time when I happened to look down at the floor, and there was my eyeliner lying there; whoops. Explaining how ladies’ panties ended up in the dryer (not my wife’s) took some real creative explaining.
When I look back over the years, at how deep and dark it was in that closet, the purging of really nice clothes and shoes. Oh, the shoes. The constant fear of being found out and then finally that moment coming out to my wife and that dreadful day of fighting, crying, and heartache, along with over a year of “conversion therapy” (in the attempt to save my marriage). It’s no wonder I’m still in therapy today (but now it’s good). Like so many of those like us, I knew I was different at a young age. Trying on my mother, my sisters, and even my grandma’s clothes in private and feeling confused and guilty of a crime. The feminine feelings ebbed and flowed over the years. I got married to a lovely girl at a young age hoping to put the girly feelings behind me for good. I had some success, but the feelings would always come back.
I lost my wife of 46 years two summers ago to a heart attack and after about a year Tony was well on the way to becoming Toni. One thing for me has been the duration of my journey as I approach 70 years, things have finally come into focus! I wish sometimes I would have figured it out sooner, but I’m glad in now finding that inner peace I had been missing my whole life. I came out completely to everyone last year, friends, relatives, and customers who have now met the new Toni. I must say, on the whole, it has been a blessing. However, I was kicked out of my church, I’ve lost contact with some relatives, and a few “friends,” and the relationship with my brother and mother is especially strained, but we can still talk on the phone.
For me, getting rid of my guy clothes was a huge step, but a truly liberating one. Going “full-time” was challenging at first, but somewhat surprisingly positive. Living without the guilt and shame has been so refreshing. I will say that I’ve received some odd looks and a sideways glance or two but on the whole, it’s been fine. Maybe because I look like someone’s grandma. Being aware of one’s surroundings and planning where to go (maybe the corner biker bar isn’t a good choice) has worked out well so far for me.
Some days are harder than others. As I travel on this journey, the further I go the more convinced I am that it was the right choice. Every day, I am coming to know and love myself more fully. All I can say is; to be yourself. One is not being selfish by wanting to live one’s life as one sees it. What’s selfish is others demanding that we live according to their standards of dress or conduct. The golden rule has never been more needed than now! Treat others as you would wish to be treated.
Love to you all,
Toni
My name is Joel I turned 44 March 15, 2024 and
my preferred name is Harley. I am very grateful to have read your article I am new here but my girl or female has been around. I recently opened my eyes to who I am and have always needed to be. My therapist is amazing and helping me reach out so I can learn and understand my mind and emotions. Sending prayers and positive thoughts.
Dear Harley. Thank you for the kind words I’m so happy you have a great therapist it really helps us on this thing we call life . Enjoy exploring your femininity and my best big hug to you!!
Thank you 😊
Hi Toni,
Thank you for putting your thoughts together and sharing with us. Later-in-life transition is difficult but I can understand how it can be so rewarding.
I am working on living more openly as my femme self. I am not sure that I will ever be full time, but neither am I sure I won’t.
Kindly,
Charlene
There are so many brave and caring people in this post! I am amazed how many people have transitioned later in life or have lost loved ones and still found the courage to be themselves and keep moving forward!
Thank you all for sharing your stories! They are extremely inspiring! I love hearing all of them! This was a great post to start Toni!
Hey, you’re welcome!
My user name is Japanese from my favorite anime titled Inuyasha.
🧜♀️you continue to go girl!
Thank you for that share. I admire your bravery in the face of all the adversity: you wife’s passing, your family issues from coming out, loss of your Church, etc.
Be well, take care, and be blessed!
~ Maria
Hi Toni – first my condolences for your loss. Losing a life time friend and partner is hard. Now on to more buoyant thoughts … Thank you, Toni and all the wonderful people who posted here. It is so encouraging to hear that thinking about transitioning at my age, 67, is not out of the question. I have slowly feminized my thoughts, my mannerisms, and my body over the decades but I’m at that moment in time of taking that next major step – FHT – to continue on my journey. So, my thanks you to all of you for… Read more »
Thank you April. It’s so encouraging to hear from sisters as they continue on the journey we all are on you can do whatever you put your beautiful mind to be intentional about enjoying every single day major hugs to you. Toni
Dear Dana thank you so much for your encouraging message we do have a lot in common I’m so sorry you had to go through the tough times loosing your wife I would love to be your friend take care Toni
Marvelous post, Toni! We share many points in our story: 1) age (I am 70); 2) long years of denial of who/what I truly was; 3) those painful purges, as I alternated between finding my inner girl and pushing her away in shame and guilt . . .only to restart the cycle some time later; 4) my wife recently passed away after a long bout with dementia; and 5) my wife had also been a good deal less than happy when she discovered “her" (marriage saved, but only after groveling and another long-term purge). Unlike your case, I apparently have… Read more »
Hi Toni,
Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story…many of us can relate to what you have experiaenced.
Terri Anne
Thanks Terri Anne for your support and kind words we are all on this journey of self discovery to one extent or another hugs
That’s awesome! I’m always hearing stories about people transitioning around 16 – 25 years old and I was feeling like I don’t fit in since I’m starting in my 30’s. It’s nice to hear stories about people who transition that are older than me. It’s good that your depression has improved!
That’s probably the best way to get a buzz! 🙂
Toni Floria Hi:Glad that things are going well for you! As is said:The longest journey begins with the first step.To me, that means that perhaps the important thing is the decision to start. Many here have said that they wished they had started transition sooner. However, I’ll put a different slant on that.The question is, if we had started sooner, would we have stayed the course? I suspect that in many cases we might have been put off by the Fear of the Unknown. Never having transitioned before, we don’t really know what lies on the other side. Also, we… Read more »
Toni Floria Yes, I did see FERRARI on Christmas Day. First time I have done that. Unfortunately many claim that the racing scenes were “inaccurate”. People forget that is it a MOVIE and not a DOCUMENTARY! Also, the de Portago crash was as it happened. Michael Mann consulted a historian at Ferrari and learned a lot about the crash, the Mille Miglia and the company at the time.Anyway, this added to my count of Winning, RUSH, Ford vs Ferrari, LeMans, To Please a Lady, Bobby Deerfield, The Big Wheel, Days of Thunder, Stroker Ace, Greased Lightning and maybe a few… Read more »
Like the sand in an hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Lol i Ive always wanted somewhere to say that! Lol often we hear others asking for insight as to how to, or what’s it like, or how do I. Easy, just be yourself and figure it out as you go. There is one common denominator however, the more you try the better you get. Each of us has a story. Large portions of those stories have a lot of similarities, the thrill of heels, purging, etc. but somewhere in our stories we have something unique to us.… Read more »
HeyJill. Thank you so much for the encouraging and wise words at least we can say this journey we are on is an interesting one my best wishes and a big hug go out to you
Toni, very heartwarming article. Having the knowledge of who you are is extremely empowering. Hugs, Michelle
Amen sister.
Hi Toni, Thanks for sharing your story with us. Like you, I knew at a very young age that I was different. At the age of three I knew I was supposed to be a girl, that knowledge never left me and was always in the back of my mind. I managed to marry a pretty gal and we raised two kids even while the knowledge that I felt I was female lingered in my thoughts. I told my wife before we married that I had a feminine side and she was okay with it. She passed away in early… Read more »
Dear Lauren. Thank you so much your heartfelt words it seems we are all heading down this bumpy road of life together hanging on it means so much to me to hear from my sisters who are also on this journey I would love to meet you some day. My biggest hugs to you Toni my